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Anonymous
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| Posted: Dec 20 2006 at 10:32am | IP Logged
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Over the past six months my 16 yo dd has become a terrible back stabber. When I was a child my mother told me never to talk behind another's back and so I didn't. It has never been a temptation for me, but it seems to be a terrible temptation for my dd. This was not a problem for my older sons or her older sister. She criticizes the girls on her sports team. After drama class she tears into a few of the other performers. She is very harsh about one of her sisters behind her back and now the other children are telling me that she trashes me behind my back.
She and I have always had a good relationship and this wasn't something that was a problem when she was younger. We have talked about the problem several times. She understands why it is wrong and we've talked about why people are tempted to talk behind the backs of others. We've even talked about what to do when the temptation comes to back stab. She goes to confession every other week and she told me that she does confess this. It seems that the problem has gotten much worse over the past months and it almost seems that she can no longer talk about anything else except what is wrong with specific people. This has gone on far too long. I am just heartbroken that she is talking about me to her siblings too. The ones near her age tell me that they ignore her when she does that, which is consoling. Back stabbing and gossiping are just not things my husband and I do, so I am at a loss as to why this has developed to the degree that it has.
You all seem to be such gentle women that I would like to hear how you would or have dealt with this situation. Thank you.
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Willa
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| Posted: Dec 20 2006 at 2:13pm | IP Logged
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I wish I could help. The only thing I can think of is to just stop the conversation whenever it turns to detraction. You probably already do that. TO me it sounds like a habit. She doesn't really want to but she can't help it. I went through a time period when I struggled with this temptation. I had to confess it again and again. The sacrament was efficacious. Over time the temptation diminished, though if I am not careful I fall into the same trap again.
Father Hardon has an article on detraction and calumny. He says the root of the problem is often hasty judgement, which is imprudent and also uncharitable.
I would look for the root. Possibly she is going through an insecure period and so criticizing makes her feel better about herself? Is it peer pressure? And so on. In my case it was insecurity plus a bit of self-righteousness-- I was just starting to try to live a better life so I was critical of others who seemed to fall short of my "standards". St Francis de Sales has talked about how easy it is to fall into that trap. Is she judgemental about "real" things or about frivolous things? That would tell you if she is trying to sort through some of her standards about right and wrong, or if she's looking for ANY reason to put down others.
Hope someone can give you some wisdom here!
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Natalia
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Is she angry? dissatisfied with how things are going at home? does she like homeschooling? I wonder if there is something bothering her that she can't bring herself to share with you and maybe it is coming out the wrong way.
Natalia
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Rachel May
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I also think backstabbing/gossip can be a hard to break habit, just like nail biting. I have slowly learned to stop this exact behavoir. This quote:
"Small minds talk about people, Average minds talk about events, Great minds discuss ideas"
has helped me think about what kind of mind I want to have and what I should then be talking about. Good luck. I know how hard this is. Confession and constant vigilance have kept me on the straight and narrow.
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Leonie
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WJFR wrote:
I would look for the root. Possibly she is going through an insecure period and so criticizing makes her feel better about herself? Is it peer pressure? And so on. |
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I think wise Willa is right - looking to a possible root cause can help with a solution.
In the case of one of my ds, I think it was a habit. So, we agreed to work on things together - he on being more positive ( calumny is basically negative) and me on one of my many vices.  I think the fact that we were both working on something and that we were accountable to each other helped.
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Marybeth
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Could it be she is critical of others to take attention off herself? This way their performance,manners,attitude is discussed not hers?
I agree to just stop the conversation when it turns to backstabbing.
Pray hard for her. Maybe it won't stop until she is confronted by someone whom she is being petty and ugly about..it won't be easy for her or them...but maybe it is a solution.
That said...I don't think it should be you,the mother.
Marybeth
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Dec 24 2006 at 12:01am | IP Logged
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Anonymous wrote:
Back stabbing and gossiping are just not things my husband and I do, so I am at a loss as to why this has developed to the degree that it has.
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Change "Back stabbing and gossiping" to another vice and your quote sums up one of my biggest challenges as the mother of a teen. I can sometimes get stuck on thinking "where did this come from?" or on the detached and distant feeling of "I just don't get this because I never did it." I am very uncomfortable when I feel at a loss...
I have nothing to contribute on this particular issue, but I do have a lot of sympathy for your feelings and will pray that you all find what you need to bring about an increase in virtue and peace. Here's a reassuring  .
Love,
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Cay Gibson
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I do believe age 16 has got to be the most trying period of all...for teens and parents both.  Ask me how I know. I've been through two 16-yr-olds who love to fault dear ol' Mom for their own faults.
It does get better. In the meantime, you learn a lot about humility, perseverance, consistent discipline, and prayer.
Make sure her father is backing you. This is so important in correcting this type of behavior. When mother's voice is taken with a grain of salt, father's voice can prove to be a powerful antidote.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Help with a back-stabbing teen daughter
