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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: Aug 28 2006 at 7:29am | IP Logged
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Well, here we go again. Seems we're heading into another tidal wave here. sigh. I found MANY dvds in my 17yo son's room that are R rated for s* that we would NEVER have allowed him to watch - and he knows it. They were in a shoe box at the edge of his bed. A week ago or so, I noticed that he had been putting our little travel dvd/tv in his room ALOT. It started to bother me - wondering WHY and I hid the tv in my room. I've also been nagged lately about a broken tv that 15yo ds has in his room for the playstation. DH let him put it in there about 9 months ago. I didn't know until recently that it can play dvds and now I want it OUT of there. I also read an IM 15yo ds wrote that he had watched 2 movies this weekend that I certainly didn't rent for him. sigh.
Dh will hate that I found this stuff. He hates confrontation with these teens of ours. 17yo ds will rant and rave about me 'going through his stuff' and how he can't trust ME again. Same will come from 15yo. Both will be indignant, angry and I imagine not the least apologetic. sigh.
I hate this too. It has my stomach in knots at the start of a new day and a new week. I'll be distracted all day by it. 17yo will be gone to school and then work until 10pm. 15yo is at work until about 2pm. All this will need to be discussed w/ dh first I guess but I REALLY want to go and break that little tv in 15yo room. And I'd like to just go throw out EVERY cd, DVD, Videogame in their rooms. sigh. double sigh.
ok, now to put on a smile, pray for some peace and joy and GUIDANCE and get moving with my youngers....
advice? comments?
Theresia
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MicheleQ
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| Posted: Aug 28 2006 at 7:52am | IP Logged
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Cathmomof8 wrote:
17yo ds will rant and rave about me 'going through his stuff' and how he can't trust ME again. Same will come from 15yo. Both will be indignant, angry and I imagine not the least apologetic. sigh.
I hate this too. It has my stomach in knots at the start of a new day and a new week. I'll be distracted all day by it. 17yo will be gone to school and then work until 10pm. 15yo is at work until about 2pm. All this will need to be discussed w/ dh first I guess but I REALLY want to go and break that little tv in 15yo room. And I'd like to just go throw out EVERY cd, DVD, Videogame in their rooms. sigh. double sigh.
advice? comments?
Theresia |
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OK here's what we would do (speaking from experience here  ) Take it ALL away. Every game every dvd - and get the TV out of there. Do it matter of factly and despite whatever display of emotion they show stay calm. Don't argue, it doesn't help. You are the parent. That nagging feeling was the Holy Spirit and you listened to it. Remind yourself (and you sons if necessary) that when you have to stand before God one day and answer for all things, saying "well Lord I was just trying to respect their privacy" really isn't going to cut it.
Then assign them some reading and writing. Relevant passages about purity and what we allow into our minds, from Scripture and the Catechism are helpful here. Be sure you discuss what is read as well.
Oh and don't let them tell you they don't have time to do this because remember they have no movies to watch or games to play so they have plenty of time! 
God bless!
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Michele Quigley
wife to my prince charming and mom of 10 in Lancaster County, PA USA
http://michelequigley.com
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Marybeth
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| Posted: Aug 28 2006 at 8:09am | IP Logged
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I can't offer any words of wisdom since my ds is only 6. I am going to tell you I was a bit of a brat as a teen!  
I am now much older and hopefully a bit wiser and realize my parents kept me from much harm by being strict. I didn't like it at the time and fought their rules very hard. Now I appreciate those rules and can see how they saved me from my own selfishness many times. Someday your dc will understand this...it just doesn't make today any easier!!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
My parents always attribute their daily rosary as the means to helping them make wise parenting decisions. Truly the Blessed Mother has graced our family time and time again with her intercession.
God bless,
Marybeth
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Martha
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| Posted: Aug 28 2006 at 8:32am | IP Logged
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I agree with Michele.
I would not argue over it at all. Be very matter of fact aobut it and do not even discuss it otherwise.
Everyone would leave to go do whatever and when they returned there would be vacant spots around the house.
We did this even with our young children 2 years ago.
The offenses weren't as bad, but I was just royally sick and tired of the trash on tv and the resulting attitude in the kids.
Dh went to work, a viagra commercial came on, 9 yo ds asked what erectile dysfunction meant, I got a dolly and put the tv in the garage. lol
My in-laws just gave us a big tv and entertainment ctr for it a couple of weeks ago. I hate it and keep hoping lightening will strike it. They are arguing more, paying less attention, ect.. And the commercials are certainly not any better than they were before. 
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Martha
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MacBeth
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| Posted: Aug 28 2006 at 8:51am | IP Logged
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Just out of curiosity, Theresia. Does your son know that these DVDs are off limits? I know that sounds like a dumb question, but I sometimes wonder if parents always let their kids know specifically that R rated films are not allowed, or, as some parents I know do, just tell their kids that "bad things" are off limits. I ask because I know some kids who will push that limit unless that limit is very well defined.
As for the "trust" issue, you must make it clear, not as an argument, but as a FACT: Trust works both ways. It is not automatically given, but must be earned. I think, though, that this will only fly if you have been clear about the rules.
Praying for you! 
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God Bless!
MacBeth in NY
Don's wife since '88; "Mom" to the Fab 4
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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: Aug 28 2006 at 1:53pm | IP Logged
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Our children know that we draw the line at any movie that has s*ual content or nudity. To go to the theater, I go online, check the reviews and they know they don't go to or bring home anything that is rated pg13 or r for these reasons.  My 17yo is pretty smooth though and will come up with something but really - he can't begin to believe that an unedited National lampoon movie rated explicitly for tha kind of content would be ok??!!. dh said maybe he borrowed them. I could care less-but it looks like he bought them and either way he brought them into our house. They've been warned that I will dispose of garbage. 
I do feel like I was led by the Holy Spirit earlier to put all those things back in their rooms (None of the movies were in their boxes so I imagine ds has them in his cd case). With dh's support - hopefully - We plan to do a search and seizure with them present. When 17yo gets home I hope dh will ask him to immediately hand over his cd case for inspection and same for 15yo. And actually, I picked up 15yo ds PSP while he was driving and turned it on and it had a game in it we had previously confiscated; so God provided in setting the stage for us to be addressing these things now.
They'll still be mad. Dh will still be uncomfortable with doing anything about it and I'll probably still be the bad guy,  but that element of me 'sneakin' won't need to be there and I'm grateful for that. sigh. I wish dh felt strongly about proecting this aspect of our home. Please join me in praying for him and all fathers to confidently take charge.
By the way - today is the feast of St Augustine, right? Boy could I usse his intersession!
thanks
Theresia
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JennGM
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| Posted: Aug 28 2006 at 1:59pm | IP Logged
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Theresia,
Are there TVs and Video game stuff in their bedrooms? That would be one area where I would yank it all. It's just too easy to sneak and hide. All video and game playing would be in the public eye on the main level.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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StephanieA
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| Posted: Aug 28 2006 at 2:47pm | IP Logged
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Therese,
I seem to always be the bad guy too. It would be SO much more effective if our dhs confronted these young men about their behavior though. My dh is still learning what should be OKed and what is not. (In other words, he's still getting it together himself. By #8, I hope he'll be in "charge". 
That said, my 19 year-old brought in a music CD I didn't approve of and in the trash it went. Mad? Yeah! The comment was, "I work hard for my money."
Nice try
I said, if "his" music is played, it won't be in my house. (He just started "experimenting" with iffy music).
So that leaves him listening to it in his car. If I find "his" music anywhere, I have full rights to pitch it. I have to maintain my standards, but I can't monitor him at college or in his car.
We disingaged the radio in the other car (the 1996 wagon) that the other teens drive. My oldest bought his own car, so to me, that's his deal. My 2nd oldest teen asked to reingage the radio in the wagon, because it also has the clock (which I will admit is helpful). But I just went to the store and bought a stick-on clock instead. That darn radio is too tempting and a distraction at times for young drivers.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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stacykay
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| Posted: Aug 28 2006 at 3:29pm | IP Logged
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We went through this when our oldest ds rented a movie (R)! while we were out visiting, and he claimed he had homework to do (he went to a Catholic HS.)
When we confronted him, he was mortified. It never happened again, as far as I know!
One thing I did was talk alot about the why's of certain behaviors being wrong. Dh handled the "basics." Jason Evert spoke at ds' high school, and that was also helpful.
One of my friends bought Jason Evert's book (If you really loved me) and read it out loud to her two oldest boys (I think they were 14 and 16 at the time.) Then she discussed each chapter with them.
I agree with the others about removing the tv from bedrooms. We have one, and it is on the main level. Video/tv/computer games drive me batty, so I really limit them. I think it would be harder if they had their own tv's.
I will pray for you and your sons!
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: Aug 28 2006 at 3:59pm | IP Logged
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I should clarify one thing - we don't get ANY television reception and haven't for 11 years. The TV the one son has in his room used to be our travel tv w/ vcrs when the oldest were little but broke but ds found he can hook up his playstation to it and they can play games on it. That has been bad enough-I can't imagine if he could watch tv too - yikes. That said, I AGREE 100% that that needs to come out of his room, and also hope to get all videogames and systems onto this main floor only. I REALLY need dh to be on the same page and hope - and mostly pray - he will.
thanks everyone for your comments, suggestions and PRAYERS!
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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: Aug 31 2006 at 8:20am | IP Logged
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dh an I went ot for dinner last night and talked more abou this. (Well, at least I talked ) And I told him we weren't leaving until we had a plan to deal with the media problem. He chose the kinder gentler approach - We came home, called a family meeting. Reminded everyone that yhis is God's house and we are dedicated to Him. Anything that would be offensive to God has no place here. Dh told them all he was giving them a chance to remove anything offensive from our home/vehicles and to prepare for surprise inspections that HE would do SOON. We reminded them of specific criteria. Also, he told them that the little TV for the PS2 in ds room was coming downstairs. No more media in bedrooms. So, for better or worse, we have a plan and I have SOMETHING to work with. I don't know if this was the BEST way to handle it but dh was comfortable with this and it does set the stage for intervention. There was some sarcasm on the teen's part during our discussion of all this and the littles were wondering what in the world they might have that was offensive. We'll see...
Theresia
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Victoria in AZ
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Theresia,
I sympathize with this problem. We are blessed when we trust our dh's leadership. I agree with everyone above and would add a few thoughts. I, me, personally (not saying you) tend to overreact when my kids do negative things. A friend often reminded me to remember The Fall. It helps me not to be shocked when my kids sin.
I like the way your dh handled the situation. It reminds me of the story of Noah and his sons. When his sons found Noah drunk and naked, one son walked in backwards to help his father. In doing so, the son helped to give Noah some dignity back. The other son was loud and embarassed Noah. Your dh gave the situation dignity.
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Your sister in Christ,
Victoria in AZ
dh Mike 24 yrs; ds Kyle 18; dd Katie 12; and one funny pug
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momwise
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Great point Victoria! Theresia, you are so, so blessed. Just the fact that your dh did make a decision and will follow through with it must be aload off your shoulders. It sounds to me like a very firm plan and having a man tell your dss that your house is God's house sounds very forceful to me! I hope everything goes well.
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Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: Sept 02 2006 at 8:59am | IP Logged
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Oh, I certainly tend to get way bent out of shape about things my kids do/say, mistakes they make, etc. I know dh and I are wired very differently in this area - and it can put a strain on us. I believe we both need to find some balance in this area - and it's hard to find it sometimes.
I am grateful that dh spoke to all, and afterwards though wished I'D said less. The teens tend to scoff when I talk about those things and take it much better from dh. But he is a man of few words, a convert of 8 years and really doesn't have the confidence he needs when it comes to faith and morality issues. He is an amazing example though og Godly living and I'm sure I've learned more from him than he has from me - and hopelly our sons are too! Still, wish I could keep my trap shut more sometimes. Now to pray that dh will follow through on his own without me having to remind, urge, coax, .....
rambling as sweet Annie Rose nurses into oblivion....
Theresia
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Topic: What to do when you find contraband?
