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rivendellmom
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| Posted: April 06 2005 at 8:21am | IP Logged
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I know that I really don't care what anyone thinks. But, I'm frustrated. We had our ultrasound yeaterday for baby number 5. We have 3 boys and a girl now. We found out that we are having a healthy baby boy in July!! I've never found out before but I really needed to plan as we need to switch bedrooms around. Anyway, we've gotten so much grief over the pregnancy in general that I didn't think we could get any more. My MIL actually said it was too bad that its a boy. (what?) No mention of the fact that we are so relieved the child is healthy as we've had a few miscarriages in between children. The kids all ran around the neighborhood after school and told people. I started getting calls-
"Just what you need another boy"
"I bet your sorry you kept going"
"If it had been a girl it would have been worth it"
Yikes! Am I surrounded by an unusual amount of secular negative people or is this a valid sample of "normal" people? Just wondering if anyone had a zinger or two for me? I'm off to Mass where I'll pray once again to be more patient and kind to others... Jen
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Jen in suburban Chicagoland Mom to Connor(91), Garrett(93), Reilly (95), Mary Katherine (98), Declan (05), Ronan in ^i^ 6/28/08
visit our new blog: http://recreationalscholar.blogspot.com/
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chicken lady
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| Posted: April 06 2005 at 8:48am | IP Logged
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I'm sorry Jen, "forgive them they know not what they do" I can write this because I just had this same frustration, after talking it over with our priest, this is was his suggestion to me! I will pray for your suffering, you are not alone in this persecution!!
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Karen E.
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| Posted: April 06 2005 at 8:56am | IP Logged
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I only have three kids on earth, but people still sometimes look at me as if I'm insane because I was 42 when my last one was born ... I thought that the optometry assistant was going to fall over the other day when she found out I was still nursing my 2 yo.... 
Just pray for them!
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God bless,
Karen E.
mom to three on earth, and several souls in God's care
Visit my blog, with its shockingly clever title, "Karen Edmisten."
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Kerry
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| Posted: April 06 2005 at 9:39am | IP Logged
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"Oh boy, can I ever empathize! The comment I get most often now other than, "my , you've got your hands full" is: "Are they all yours?", and my least favorite... "do they have the same father?" Ugh! On my good days, I try to just smile and respond with how blessed we feel, or "better that my hands are full than empty!),and when they "pity" me for having a 3rd boy this past time instead of a girl to keep my lone daugher company, I gently ask them which one of my adorable sons would they have me send back?
Over Holy week, I had the opportunity to watch Jesus ofNazareth, and had a moment of grace when Jesus said, "remember when they persecute you that they persecuted me first" I immediately thought of this topic. So, now when I get a negative comment (usually anytime I leave the house ) , I try to meditate on that line, and try (at least in my more pious moments) to pray for the commentators and offer up my "suffering" for my special intentions. Yet, that doesn't take the pain away...just puts it to good use!
God Bless!
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Kerry
married to DH John 8/8/98,
mommy to Daniel 8/6/99, Isaiah 7/10/01, Gianna 3/28/03, Samuel 10/11/04
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MEBarrett
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| Posted: April 06 2005 at 12:12pm | IP Logged
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rivendellmom wrote:
"Just what you need another boy"
"I bet your sorry you kept going"
"If it had been a girl it would have been worth it"
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Wow, that's amazing. It is so sad that people are not as joyful as we are when a newbie is on the way. When I was expecting number 3 my MIL could not stop saying "I hope it's not a girl, you know - for your sake" Well it was another girl and she is an angel. MIL came to the hospital and the first words out of her mouth were, "too bad it's another girl" I asked her if that meant she did not love her new grandchild. Boy did that throw her for a loop. Since then I have had yet another girl and she didn't make a peep.
I did get the feeling that when I had my miscarraige last summer (would have been baby number 6 for us) that our respective families were not as heartbroken as we were. There seems to be this "well you should be over all that now, no more babies" I even had someone say that maybe God was trying to tell me something about having too many babies (????)
People drive me nuts...
Anyway, I commiserate. Recently I was asked if they were all from the same dad.  It was the first time I had gotten that particular question. My friend and I (she has 6) keep saying we are going to write all of the rude, idiotic comments down and write a book, "Stupid Things People Say to Moms" or some other catchy title.
When I think of it I ask God to open the hearts of people like this but I have to confess mostly it just irritates me and I respond sarcastically. Maybe you should be praying for me and my big mouth
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Blessings,
Mary Ellen
Mom to seven beautiful kids
Tales from the Bonny Blue House
O Night Divine
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Bridget
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| Posted: April 06 2005 at 1:30pm | IP Logged
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Dear Jen,
Just smile and tell them boys are wonderful, then come here and talk to us and we'll tell you how great it is that God is giving you another boy!
I just rank people's comments up there with other challenges for larger families. ... Folks feel very free to comment,... we have to have larger vehicles,... when there is an illness - it's an epidemic...the list could go on.
It's just stuff we have to deal with, and it is so worth it.
The list of positives is much longer. Unfortunately, people who don't get it, usually don't see the positves either.
God Bless your family, hang in there!
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Mary G
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| Posted: April 06 2005 at 2:21pm | IP Logged
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I think the problem stems from the 20th century idea, as explained by the late Holy Father, that humans have lost sight of humans as persons!
Once you start looking at them as possessions, etc, you lose the joy of each individual -- whether it's boys, girls, twins, whatever. American society, particularly, looks on chldren as -- "well, it's ok to have 2 -- a boy and girl preferably -- but not many more than that because then the mom is not actualized and can't do her thing and goodness knows that she won't have time for trips to Starbuck's or be able to drive the Miata or whatever....." Makes sense, no?
We get this all the time too -- and now, more than ever as I'm 43 and pregnant with our 6th. WE alternate boys and girls, so we don't get the "oh, ANOTHER girl" thing, but we get the "aren't you a bit old" is a recurring refrain from our less sophisticated (ok, Catholic homeschoolers) friends!
Blessings to you all!
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MaryG
3 boys (22, 12, 8)2 girls (20, 11)
my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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Lissa
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| Posted: April 06 2005 at 2:45pm | IP Logged
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When we brought our second daughter home from the hospital, our landlady said to me, with a resigned shrug, "Eh, what are you gonna do?" She said the same exact thing a year later when I congratulated her on the birth of her fourth grandchild--all girls.  She set a lot of stock on boys. Guess it's a good thing we left that apartment before girl #3 came along...although I suppose Landlady would have baked me cookies or something when our son was born. We get lots of "So you finally got a boy! Now you can quit trying, right?" comments, which drive me crazy and make my husband see red. Especially when they say it in front of our girls. 
Sometimes people just don't think.
OK, snappy comebacks to insensitive remarks...where's Alice, she's good at this.
Jen wrote:
"Just what you need another boy"
"I bet your sorry you kept going"
"If it had been a girl it would have been worth it" |
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Hmm, to that last comment I think I'd give a big knowing grin and say emphatically, "Oh, BELIEVE ME, it was worth it!!" (wink wink nudge nudge) Heh...
"Just what you need--another boy."
You, nodding enthusiastically: "Yup, we could use another half dozen of each!"
Or you could take the disingenuous approach, which puts the person on the spot & makes them shuffle to explain what they meant:
"I bet you're sorry you kept going."
You, appearing puzzled: "Why?"
Person, suddenly embarrassed, "Um, well, it's just that you have so many boys already..."
You, beaming, "Yes, isn't it great!"
Person, now very uncomfortable indeed, "Oh, of course, I just meant..." (trails off)
You (if you really want to make 'em squirm), smiling innocently, "You just meant what?"
When forced to explain a casual, thoughtless remark, people usually recognize they were out of line and will backpedal rapidly. Relentless cheerfulness, that's my secret weapon...hee.
And Jen, by the way--congratulations!
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Lissa
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Meredith
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| Posted: April 06 2005 at 5:39pm | IP Logged
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Hi Jen, congrats as well. WE are also expecting our 3rd boy, fourth child, in 12 days to be exact, with my dd as the oldest, it's so wonderful we can't wait. I too was hit by the *ignorant selfishness bombs* when my parents came to visit for Thanksgiving. My mother actually asked if we were going to have twenty children at this rate?? I of course responded with a "Well, gee I don't think so, but if that's the plan then who knows." Mind you my mother is an aethiest married to one of the most devout Catholic men I know, my father and it just put me on edge for our very *thankful feast* we had invited them to, kwim.
So after that comment I mentioned that if my husband's parents had stopped at 2 or 3 children I wouldn't have my dh, and she of course said, "Oh that's different."  Please....
There are sooo many rude and insensitive people out there and in my case the worst offenders are my own blood (or at least one of them). We suffered a devasting and painful miscarriage between my 2nd and 3rd and before I had lost the baby we had already announced to family that we were expecting and my mother actually cried, that I was pregnant again! So when we did miscarry she had only stupid things to say, like "it's not your fault honey" and "it's all a natural thing", like she had ANY clue what I was going through.
Lissa, I love your list and may need to use some of them in the future.
Jen, you are so blessed to have another gift from our good and loving God. He has a plan for you regardless of how other people think you should be planning. They are just ignorant and living in the dark. Definately pray for them. I'll pray for your healthy delivery for July. +JMJ+
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Meredith
Mom of 4 Sweeties
Sweetness and Light
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kingvozzo
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| Posted: April 06 2005 at 9:36pm | IP Logged
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Kerry wrote:
"my , you've got your hands full"
"better that my hands are full than empty!)
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I love this response!! I get the "hands full" comment all the time, and I've only got 3. I guess just having them with me is too much for some people 
Take Care,
Noreen
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teachingmom
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| Posted: April 06 2005 at 11:44pm | IP Logged
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Lissa wrote:
We get lots of "So you finally got a boy! Now you can quit trying, right?" comments, which drive me crazy and make my husband see red. Especially when they say it in front of our girls.
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As you can imagine, when people learn that I have all girls, they often automatically assume that we have a large family solely because of "trying for that boy". It also makes me angry. Like Lissa, I do not want my girls to hear that message from others.
When I was pregnant with the 3rd through 5th girls, I was asked fairly often if we were trying for a boy. I made it a point to say that we always wanted a large family. I'd tell them that my husband is one of 10 children and I am one of 6 and that we loved growing up with all those brothers and sisters. I felt that answering in that way provided positive PR for large families and let the person know that we didn't really care if the baby was a boy or girl each time.
Oh, and I can identify with your little Mary Katherine, Jen. I grew up as the only girl with 5 brothers. Although I prayed for years for a sister, in the end, I loved being the only girl. And all those prayers for sisters? I look at my house full of girls now and realize that God has answered my prayers in a way I never could have imagined!
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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Karen E.
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| Posted: April 07 2005 at 7:26am | IP Logged
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teachingmom wrote:
As you can imagine, when people learn that I have all girls, they often automatically assume that we have a large family solely because of "trying for that boy". It also makes me angry. Like Lissa, I do not want my girls to hear that message from others. |
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My sentiments exactly. When I was pregnant with Kate, people assumed we, too, were "trying for that boy." I always replied, "No, we aren't ... we adore our girls and we'd adore another girl. It makes the hand-me-down situation so much easier."
Lissa, I love your secret weapon of relentless cheerfulness. That's how I counter the homeschooling questions, too:
"How do you do it? I'd never have the patience!" (Oh... you'd be surprised ... I didn't think I would, either, but now I wouldn't have it any other way!)
"How can you stand being with your kids ALL THE TIME?" (I love them -- we have a terrific time together!)
"I would never know what to teach!" (Oh, it's easy! You have complete flexibility and control, and best of all you don't have to scramble at the last minute to find extra toilet paper rolls for some teacher's idea of an art project....)
I'm sure we could all go on and on ...
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God bless,
Karen E.
mom to three on earth, and several souls in God's care
Visit my blog, with its shockingly clever title, "Karen Edmisten."
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rivendellmom
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| Posted: April 07 2005 at 7:51am | IP Logged
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I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. I'm so grateful to have the support of all you wonderful Catholic Moms. Its funny because I don't even think of our family as being large. We waited almost 6 years to have this baby and for a while I didn't think we would have any more. I guess I just have a different view point than my relatives/neighbors. In hind sight I could have kept the information to myself, but the older kids really wanted to know, as we have never found out before. I will take my husbands advice and not discuss names with anyone to prevent any other conflict with his mother. We've decided to just nod and smile when names are suggested. By the way, my FIL in Ireland called last night and was thrilled beyond words that the baby is healthy and didn't ask if it was a girl or a boy. He was more concerned with feeding my cravings as last time I went crazy for Hob Nobs (an Irish cookie), he said he's mailing a package this week. So, I'm not very hard to please if only everyone could be so considerate! Thanks again for all the support, I'm ready to face soccer season now! Jen
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Jen in suburban Chicagoland Mom to Connor(91), Garrett(93), Reilly (95), Mary Katherine (98), Declan (05), Ronan in ^i^ 6/28/08
visit our new blog: http://recreationalscholar.blogspot.com/
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: May 04 2005 at 8:03pm | IP Logged
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I'm doing some catching up on the Loving the Little Ones forum. I'll share this great reply that came from my 6yo ds.
Adult to me: So, do you know what it is (referring to my bulging belly.)
Me: No (big smile.)
Adult: Oh, that's different.
Me: Yes it is (big smile.)
Adult looking at 6yo ds: So, what do you want, a brother or a sister?
6yo: A baseball team!
I just kept smiling and to my surprise, the other adult laughed, softened, and wished us well .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Kelly
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| Posted: May 11 2005 at 12:33am | IP Logged
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Oh I know, I know. I've heard all these comments, and worse. My husband gets HORRIBLE comments in his work environment. When I was pregnant with my fourth, one of dh's colleagues actually asked if dh wanted him (colleague) to "kick your wife in the stomach". It is appalling what people say, and sad.
I tend to agree that the best answers to most of these negative comments is that aforementioned "relentless cheerfulness". That's probably the best testimony of all.
One of my favorite rejoinders to the inevitable "I'm glad it's you, not me" is a cheery "Me, too!" Always leaves them scratching their head. Another favorite line is "Hey, Breeders are Leaders!"
Kelly in FL
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JackieH
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| Posted: May 19 2005 at 5:12am | IP Logged
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I just found out I was pregnant with baby #4 at 41 yrs of age, and we're thrilled. I was at the dentist and he asked me, "So how much does this mess up your life's plan?" and "How does your husband feel about this?" I was kind of dumbfounded.
My mother told me she was expecting this, (after #3 she told me I was getting too old to have children.)
Another comment I've heard alot is "Were you planning this?"
Blessings,
Jackie
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Peace of Christ,
Jackie
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rivendellmom
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| Posted: May 19 2005 at 8:27am | IP Logged
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Just thought I'd give an update- I'm 30 weeks now and pretty big. My kids have started telling the strangers that ask that we are hoping to have at least 3 more kids after this one so they can be a soccer team together! My 11 year old adds," I just hope she can have them real quick, or she'll be too old!" Nice. So, usually that cuts off any questioning. The neighbors just tell me again and again how they can't handle their 1 or 2 kids and that I must be nuts. It doesn't stop them from letting their kids play at our house all weekend though. Still thinking up names in secret...
Jen
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Jen in suburban Chicagoland Mom to Connor(91), Garrett(93), Reilly (95), Mary Katherine (98), Declan (05), Ronan in ^i^ 6/28/08
visit our new blog: http://recreationalscholar.blogspot.com/
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: May 19 2005 at 2:00pm | IP Logged
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JackieH wrote:
I just found out I was pregnant with baby #4 at 41 yrs of age, and we're thrilled.
Blessings,
Jackie |
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So it is true! Woo hoo, Jackie!!!!!!!! Good, um partial, news travels fast. Someone at PE (who shall go unnamed, LOL) mentioned that I should give you a call "just because" while having that joyful look in their eyes . So, can I blab about this to others?
Personally, I think having a child in our early 40's is awesome  .
Love and many blessings to you!
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: In laws and neighbors....zingers needed
