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StephanieA
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 8:13am | IP Logged
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I can only speak from experience about teenaged boys, but probably girls need the same. I am writing this to be a bit self-serving though, reminding myself of things I have learned but need to continue practicing. I was thinking of Molly yesterday and her need to keep a good relationship going with her son. I learned years ago at LLL to keep children's emotional tanks filled and so these "no's" that we HAVE to give them won't totally empty their emotional tanks.
1. Teens need physical affection.
Some teen boys will initially reject this (I have one of these), but this doesn't deny the true NEED for physical affection. It doesn't have to be a kiss, but grabbing the shoulders for quick massage or pat on the back. Grab their hand sometime for a squeeze, smile, and few short words. My reluctant physical guy was going through a tough time recently, and I didn't have the perfect advice. I finally just gave him a good hug and told him I loved him. He let out a huge sigh. It must have released SOME anxiety 
2. Let our teens know they are appreciated.
I try to acknowledge even the little things they do (because sometimes these things SEEM to them to be HUGE undertakings  A simple thank you is often all that is needed. Sometimes a small "gift" is enjoyed. For example: My 16 year-old has been taking the middle kids to jumping roping camp this week and to the Chautauqua in town in the evenings. I thanked him last night, but he countered with, "Umm...how about a soda?" I rarely buy sodas. They are treats at family get-togethers, etc. But when my son gives a violin lesson to his younger siblings, I "pay" him with a soda (his idea). So I gave him one last night.
3. Greet them in the morning with a joyful "Good morning"
....even though we've been up with the baby or sicker than a dog with morning sickness. They can't possibly relate to this. They just see a grumpy mom. From my oldest I usually get a 1/2 way joyful response. The second and third sons are NOT morning people. Sometimes they manage only a grunt. Hey, I'll take it. I've set the tone and that's important to begin the day.
4. Bring them home something just for the fun of it
This doesn't have to be expensive. I shop 2nd hand clothes stores. I have been know to bring home a used "named brand" shirt for my teens just because. This is so "cool" to them. It may have cost me a $1-$2, but it also shows I was thinking of them. Sometimes I buy a box of granola bars to eat whenever they want. They sneak it into their rooms and enjoy them at their leisure. Again, not a big thing.
5. Be spontaneous and ready for a laugh
Be sure to laugh with them when you can. Being serious all the time can be a real drag with teens who are already facing life decisions - where to go to college, what to major in, etc. Make sure the lectures and talks we HAVE to give them are countered with simple fun talk about cars, paintballing, soccer, whatever the child is interested in.
6. Do something with just them....sometime during the year
I have limited time, just as many of you do with larger families. But at least a couple times a year, we can do something with just the teen (and maybe we DO have to bring the nursing baby. They will understand. This is a good teaching experience about attachment parenting in action). Sometimes I ask the teen to go to the grocery store alone with me. I usually go a little early and take the teen out to a deli or sandwich resturant.
Sometimes I throw ball with them in the front yard or head to a tennis court. I have been know to stop by car dealerships to oggle at the latest sports car. Whatever.
DON'T include school in this!!!! We can develop a relationship with our teens without including narrations of the latest book they are reading. They have to know THEY are important and we are intimately interested in them, not just what they are learning in our homeschool. (This was a mistake of mine. I always tried to throw a little education into the mix or make our entire trip together a contant talk on school subjects. Mistake.)
7. For the most part, teens want to do the right thing. Be gentle with them when they fail and are already remorseful.
Case in point....last night the toddler was exhausted from a long, hot day outdoors. She feel asleep on the living room floor. I went down the gravel lane for the mail. When I came back, Dh met me at the door, exasperated with our 18 year old. "He dribbled water down France's ear, waking her up!" Frances had just settled back down from crying bloody murder. She was REALLY tired. I sought out my son who was swinging on the porch swing in the front of the house. He was visibly downcast. I sat down, grabbed his hand, but before I could say anything, he said, "I dont' know why I did that. It was a stupid thing to do. I didn't think she would wake up and cry so much." He was hurt, but really he wasn't thinking. Of course, pouring cold water on someone is going to wake them up! Gee!
But he didn't need a big lecture. He KNEW he had done a stupid thing. So I said a few words like, "Well, your sister was very tired" and let it go.
This has gotten longer than I expected and the kids are up and at 'um. I hope this helps you a little, Molly. Developing a good relationship does take TONS of patience on our part, but we will reap the rewards.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 8:32am | IP Logged
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Stephanie,
I just love this post! Thanks for the reminders of ways to connect with our teens, who still need us as much as our toddlers, just in different ways. I agree wholeheartedly with all of your suggestions! 
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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Maddie
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 9:43am | IP Logged
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I'm so glad you shared with us! My 15 yo has a part- time job this summer and it has made me realize how quickly he is becoming a man. Time is so precious now, I feel breathless somedays just trying to enjoy each moment I have with him. I don't believe in sending them out the door at the magic number "18", but I know the time will come all too soon.
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Willa
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 10:21am | IP Logged
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That's very good, Stephanie! A keeper!
I need that reminder, too -- 2 sons in the teenage years, 1 just beyond, and 3 yet to come up.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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esperanza
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 10:25am | IP Logged
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lapazfarm wrote:
Stephanie,
I just love this post! Thanks for the reminders of ways to connect with our teens, who still need us as much as our toddlers, just in different ways. I agree wholeheartedly with all of your suggestions! |
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Ditto
I often have to remind myself of this and dh, too. That our teen's brains just don't always work rationally
I love seeing my ds 15 (as he is in pain and intolerant of noise)...after being quite gruff with his 2 yro brother...later...tossle his hair and say something sweet to him trying to make amends. 
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In His Peace,
Tammy Gonzalez in VA
dh-Johnny
mom to Tara-'85, Noelle-'88, Jeremy-'91, Elizabeth-'93, Emma-'96, Dominic-'99, Gabriel-'01, Elijah-03
and Jacinta-06
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 3:07pm | IP Logged
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Thanks Stephanie! That is worth printing and hanging somewhere as a reminder.
I think this is why I have such a hard time with all the email stuff, because it makes me look at him so critically. 
He actually comes to me for hugs and secret handshakes, and he is always trying to convince me that his music (?) is something enjoyable!
The alone time is probably the hardest part. My husband is rarely around and I only have one teen. If he and I go somewhere alone, well... So we don't. But I will try harder to come up with a solution.
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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esperanza
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 8:11pm | IP Logged
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Molly,
I have only had Johnny (dh) around in the evenings for the last 1 1/2 yrs. I found that staying up late once in a while with the teens is worth it..even if it is 'til 2am. Since your little one are night owls like mine.
Let him pick out some Netflix movies and have his favorite snacks or another favorite here is Scrabble. Sometimes just hanging out and being available allows them to open up and have talk time late at night.
They feel treasured and special having mom devote alone time to a dc she adores just as much as the others.
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In His Peace,
Tammy Gonzalez in VA
dh-Johnny
mom to Tara-'85, Noelle-'88, Jeremy-'91, Elizabeth-'93, Emma-'96, Dominic-'99, Gabriel-'01, Elijah-03
and Jacinta-06
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rivendellmom
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| Posted: June 23 2006 at 6:57am | IP Logged
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This is such good advice. I've noticed all of this with my 2 oldest boys. They really have moments where they do dumb things and just aren't thinking. Its hard not to be exasperated- especially while sleep deprived. Time alone is so important, but time together is too. We were planning a trip to the zoo and I assumed my oldest wouldn't go, and he turned out to be really hurt, when he thought he wasn't even invited. Teens do want to spend time with you- being upbeat seems to be the key.
Jen
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visit our new blog: http://recreationalscholar.blogspot.com/
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StephanieA
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| Posted: June 23 2006 at 7:17am | IP Logged
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<and I assumed my oldest wouldn't go, and he turned out to be really hurt, when he thought he wasn't even invited. Teens do want to spend time with you- being upbeat seems to be the key.>
Same here! Adam had planned to go to Six Flags with some of his college buddies before school began later this summer. The other kids have never been, so we told them that we were take a short family vacation there in July. Adam was hurt because we had planned to go during the week, and he would be at work. He felt left out even though he was going later in the summer. He still wants to hang out with the family.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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Cindy
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| Posted: June 27 2006 at 7:27pm | IP Logged
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Love this, Stephanie-
Reminds me a lot of How to Really Love Your Teenager by Ross Campbell. but you have added such a nice personal touch.
I especially agree with the cheerful good morning... and the not being so serious all the time. Sometimes they just want to see a smile. :)
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It Is About The Journey
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Affirming Teens
