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teachingmyown
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| Posted: June 16 2006 at 9:24pm | IP Logged
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What would you do?
Here is my situation.
We have a software program that allows us to see everything that happens on the computer, email, IM, websites, etc. We chose this instead of just a filter because we thought we could be better parents if we could see into our son's world. We knew he had a habit of lying to us and wanted to see what was really going on.
The problem that I am facing is too much information that I think that I would rather not have. Not only have I discovered things about my own child which are helpful but disappointing as well, but I am also seeing a side of the teens he knows that is depressing to say the least.
I am talking about all kinds of kids. The public school girls for the most part are downright crude and offensive. But the Catholic kids, both in school and homeschooled say things that make me want to cry and ban them from my house. I know alot of it is bravado and supposed to be funny, but it is stuff I wouldn't expect from them. Of all the kids he chats with, I can only pick out two or three that I would want him to associate with. Of course, if he weren't my kid, I wouldn't want him to associate with himself. 
Now I feel stuck. How much information do I pass on to other parents? Do I inform on their children's conversations? (I have already "busted" a couple of kids who had myspace pages behind their parents' backs.) Do I only inform if they are actually doing something bad or is their crude conversation enough cause to report on them?
As for my son, even though he knows we have the software, he seems to think we don't bother with it anymore. Actually, he seems to think that only his father can use it, so he doesn't worry as much. I feel like I am spying and that it can only damage our relationship if I confront him about things that I have learned by reading his conversations. I don't want to be a parent that buries her head in the sand, but I am starting to wonder if this is the wrong way to go about things. If I don't confront him, then I go around feeling angry and he can't understand why because he is playing the part of the sweet teenage son.
This is really getting to me, especially with my husband travelling and it left to me to keep my son in line. I just don't know what is right anymore. I want to love my son and try to build a closer bond with him, but I can't do that while I am angry with him.
Help! 
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Jen L.
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| Posted: June 16 2006 at 9:37pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Molly. I am sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but please know that I am praying for you right now. May you feel God's loving arms around you as you go through this.
Blessings,
Jen
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Lavenderfields
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| Posted: June 17 2006 at 2:33am | IP Logged
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Molly,
As always, you are in my prayers. It can be very overwhelming raising our children when dad is gone. My oldest was a challenge too. I often went through his drawers and looked in his closet and under his bed. I read through all the notes I found. I never did this when he was home, but I made it quite obvious that I had been in there, and the other kids saw me going through his things. I did find things out that made me very sad, but there wasn't anything that i couldn't live with. I used to wait a couple of weeks, then I might bring up one topic to discuss with him. Not in a accusatory tone, just in a conversationale way. Another couple of weeks, something else. My son turned 23 a couple of weeks ago and he seems to be finally learning that maybe he needs to change his thinking a little bit. I was really encouraged after seeing him on Tuesday.
I wish I could tell you something that will make all this go away. As far as the other kids involved, if you know the parents really well, you might just want to drop a concerned hint that all may not be as they should be when their kids are on the net, but if you don't know them, it probably will cause you more grief to talk to these parents think it is okay, or they don't have the time.
I will offer my Rosary for you to know how to handle this situation.
God Bless
Robynn in Lancaster, CA
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StephanieA
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| Posted: June 17 2006 at 9:52am | IP Logged
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Dear Molly,
I faced this with my 18 year-old son when he began college. We have our computer in the dining room - so no real surprises on what he does on the computer, but this isn't to say he doesn't surf at college. College students nationwide communicate via Facebook. He can email his friends that have left for colleges across the US on a special-type forum. The problem is that some of the "friends" have pathetic pictures there of themselves in tight skirts and tops. Then some of the language is not at all appropriate for my standards.
I spoke to him about this and finally put a block on Facebook on our computer. Then I called my 28 year-old brother who graduated from Stubenville, works there now, and has a good, solid moral head on his shoulders. I asked him, "TJ, what ARE guys (and you 10 years back) like that attend Stubenville? Do they...X, Y, and Z?" I was surprised at what he told me. I guess I expected minature angels.
My son wasn't any different than most and much more mature than others. That said, I WANT him to be different, but that calls for a bit more maturity than he right now. (Another reason among a myriad of reasons he and we opted for him to live at home and attend college here).
But that said, I will control what comes into my house....videos, computer, etc. But as far as kids are concerned, some are going to push the limit and beyond.
I was a very compliant kid, but I would be embarrassed to have had my parents look into everything I did as an older teen/young adult and confront me with it. I do stress the importance of obedience and confession. My oldest son now goes twice a month on his own. I can't say he has a deep spiritual life right now, but confession does bring him to the reality of sin and the importance of trying to get himself in line with God.
We have discouraged (read disallowed) emailing, MSN, etc. I find that kids that do this ALL the time lack real social skills when it comes to one-on-one talking. The talk is anything, but interesting and thought-provoking on MSN and Facebook. I'd rather have kids over to my house.
As far as contacting the other parents, I wouldn't unless the behavior is immoral (like mortal sin) or illegal. The only time (I found) that my son used crude 4 letter words was when he was emailing his cousin. I know his cousin uses this language away from his parents, but I had no clue that my son recipricated via email. I thought it best to just clean up my son's behavior and dissallow overnight stays (which were limited to 1-2 times a year anyway). This didn't go well with my sister-in-law  , but it kept my son from succumbing to what I consider inappropriate movies and boy/girl stuff.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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Leonie
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| Posted: June 17 2006 at 9:04pm | IP Logged
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teachingmyown wrote:
| Now I feel stuck. How much information do I pass on to other parents? Do I inform on their children's conversations? (I have already "busted" a couple of kids who had myspace pages behind their parents' backs.) Do I only inform if they are actually doing something bad or is their crude conversation enough cause to report on them? |
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Molly,
We had something similar recently. We are friendly with a homeschool family from interstate - we got together each week when we lived in the same state and now we communicate via email. One of the teenage girls emails one of my teenage sons.
Nnow, they are both nice young people. They are both Christian. But I found that this young lady emailed some forwards to my son that were, quite frankly, inappropriate. 
I pondered what to do. Do I tell her mum - we are friends. Or do I give her another chance, to fix up her act?
I spoke with my son and we talked about why the forwarded emails were unsuitable - he knew that anyway. 
We decided that he would email the young lady and let her know that he didn't appreciate such content but still wanted to be email friends - and then, if it continued after that, I would contact the mother.
He sent the email - the girl gave a nice, breezy reply - so we will wait and see.
I hate to be a policeman and I wonder if I was over reacting - but, then again, dh and I have a responsibility here.
Not much help, I guess, but at least you know you are not alone!
__________________
Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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Dawnie
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| Posted: June 18 2006 at 8:55am | IP Logged
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Molly,
I don't have any teenagers, but I am 29, and my teenage years are still very fresh in my memory. Also, someone very close to me has struggled with pornography addiction (most of which was viewed on the computer).
I was no angel as a teenager and it seems that teenagers are getting even more bold and brazen these days. How are we to protect our children?
Have you considered getting rid of Internet access in your home? There is so much trash on the Internet, and if you are finding that you can't control what your son is viewing online, perhaps this is a sacrifice that needs to be made for the good of his soul.
You didn't say in your post whether he was viewing pornography or not, but if he is, know that it is VERY addictive and he may not be able to stop viewing it on his own. It is extremely damaging to a young man's concept of sexuality and to any future relationships he may have. It could be the death knell for a marriage relationship. I cannot overemphasize how serious pornography addiction is. Here are some links to some sites that may help you in dealing with this. Some of them are geared towards husbands and wives, but still have a lot of valuable information.
Family Life Center
Serenellians
Sexaholics Anonymous
If I can help you in any way or answer any questions about pornography addiction, please feel free to PM me. I'll be praying for you, DH, and your son.
Dawn
__________________
Mom to Mary Beth (99), Anna (02), Lucia (04), Clara (06), and Adelaide Victoria (2/28/09)
Visit my blog!Water Into Wine:Vino Per Tutto!
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soodow
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| Posted: June 21 2006 at 9:30am | IP Logged
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Dear Molly,
Just wanted to affirm you... in that I believe you are doing right. Hang in there. It is not always easy to be "the bad guy" (as our kids sometimes see us.)
We went through a similar experience with our son who was always interested in what was "daring/dangerous.. sinful ). His teenage years were a difficult time for all of us. But...as Stephanie said,
"I will control what comes into my house..."
We weren't always friends in a way that children would define friendship, but we were responsible Catholic parents and now we are friends. 
He is 21 now and getting married in August. A real joy to his father and I. Keep up the good fight!
Sue in NH
Mom to 6 wonderful children
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: June 21 2006 at 11:37am | IP Logged
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StephanieA wrote:
I guess I expected minature angels.
My son wasn't any different than most and much more mature than others. That said, I WANT him to be different, but that calls for a bit more maturity than he right now.
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This is exactly how I feel! I am just disappointed, in him and in the kids that I thought were a positive influence on him. The behavior of the ps kids is not a surprise really, it is the homeschoolers that saddened me.
We are not dealing with pornography. Thank God. What is bothering me is the way these boys talk about girls, what they say they have done with girls or plan on doing. Guys that I thought would discourage my son from making bad choices are actually egging him on.
Meanwhile he has all kinds of girls emailing him and now text-messaging him. (We gave him a cell phone so I can keep in close touch especially when dh is gone. Of course, ds immediately gave out the number to the whole world not realizing how much money he was going to lose when the friends start calling and text-messaging and he has to pay for it.  ) Anyway, some of these girls are foul-mouthed and drink alcohol and very available.
On top of all this, we live in a neighborhood with a lot of these girls. The neighborhood is very spread out so it's not like I can look out the door and see whose house he goes in. The mothers all work. So I have the worry of not knowing that he is where he says he will be. It seems ridiculous to tell a 15 year old he isn't allowed out of the house but I don't know how else to keep him safe.
I am going on and on, and disgressing from the original question. Maybe, with Stephanie's post, I should wonder if I am over-reacting a little as far as the conversations he is having. Obviously, I still need to keep an eye on things, but am I just expecting too much from a bunch of adolescent males, Catholic or not?
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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stefoodie
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| Posted: June 21 2006 at 12:19pm | IP Logged
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teachingmyown wrote:
So I have the worry of not knowing that he is where he says he will be. It seems ridiculous to tell a 15 year old he isn't allowed out of the house but I don't know how else to keep him safe.
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I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know if this has been addressed, but could you perhaps get your son involved in other social activities that you would approve of? i.e., church youth group, or volunteer opportunities? we're lucky enough to have joined our old friends when we moved back here to cincinnati -- it's a program called "Couples for Christ" -- originally started by Filipinos, and our group here is 90% Filipino and 99% Catholic, but we have Indonesian, Japanese and American members too. it's a "womb-to-tomb" program so we have Kids for Christ (little ones) and Youth for Christ (teenagers) -- the teens meet regularly, not just for Bible study and worship but also for fellowship where they get to "jam" (as to be expected many of them are into music) and just chat and share meals, etc. Always with parent supervision. They recently had a retreat incl. an overnight stay at one of the parents' house (girls slept at one house and boys in another). if you could find something similar in your community then maybe you won't have to worry about your child spending too much time online?
we also have an open policy here -- i can get to peek and read what they're chatting/e-mailing about if i want to. i don't do it often, but once in a while, when my dd's on the PC i stop by and ask who she's talking to, actually look at the screen and spend a minute monitoring the chatting that's going on. we also have the understanding that should i want to i can ask to see her e-mail exchanges, etc. i haven't exercised this yet but i have greater peace of mind knowing that if i wanted to demand access i could do so because it's already been agreed upon. this agreement is fairly recent, BTW. it came about because we had a minor crisis with her and family overseas -- things like indiscretion, or getting/giving bad advice from people that are family but that have different values from ours, etc. we explained our position to our dd and told her that it's not that we're taking away her privacy, just that it's our job to guide her and protect her, etc. we went back and forth with this for about a month, had a few drawn-out "gentle" arguments for a while, but she finally understands.
will be praying for you.
__________________
stef
mom to five
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StephanieA
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| Posted: June 21 2006 at 3:17pm | IP Logged
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<question. Maybe, with Stephanie's post, I should wonder if I am over-reacting a little as far as the conversations he is having. Obviously, I still need to keep an eye on things, but am I just expecting too much from a bunch of adolescent males, Catholic or not? >
Dear Molly,
If you had to pick ONE battle right now, I would pick the girl battle. It's one thing for guys to hang out with a bit of "locker room talk" (although I despise it) and a whole different issue of pathetic girl talk WITH boys. We made it clear that dating or hanging out with girls wasn't an option at this age (even the 18 year old in college does not participate in boy/girl parties yet. Boy, aren't I a real party-pooper!)
His cousin had a boy/girl graduation party last month. The whole family was invited as were many other relatives. We began packing up to leave about 9:30. Adam asked if he could stay. I knew many of the girls from swimteam and others were Angela's (his cousins) friends.
I surveyed the atmosphere and decided that it would be best if he just came home. In the car, he said quietly to me, "Mom, I don't remember some of these girls being so...umm....crude." OK. I made the right decision even though the party was well chaperoned. It just didn't feel right for some reason. (It could have been the way the girls were dressed )
I would say, "Sorry, son, NO hanging out at girl's houses. Period." It's one thing to have a small, intimate party where a neighborhood girl or 2 are invited on your turf. It is a different issue of girls inviting guys into their empty homes. EVEN if there is absolutely nothing bad going on, it lowers the guy's guard. Things begin to escalate and then you do have a real problem on your hands. If the girls HAVE to come over, then it's at your house....supervised.
I am not raising backwards young men (I hope). I expect my teens to talk to any young girl or woman. Stephen was a bit awkward with this, but he is doing much better. Adam is a talk-a-holic and never has been inhibited.
This is a struggle. Teen pressure IS so strong and some of our teens tend to be conformists - despite their upbringing. I have to be the bad guy sometimes, but I try to substitute something else when I have to say "No" that may appeal to my guys as a "peace offering". Sometimes a simple trip to Dairy Queen or a movie "just for them" can smooth it over.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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StephanieA
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| Posted: June 21 2006 at 3:24pm | IP Logged
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keep an eye on things, but am I just expecting too much from a bunch of adolescent males, Catholic or not?
Just as an aside....my brother hung out with 2 Protestant homeschooling kids who were as straight as a ruler. No funny business. Just good, clean fun. One of them he ended up converting to Catholicism. The other was a preacher's son who is still a Baptist
Adam's "best-friend" is a Protestant. A group wanted to go to the movies one night. This young man was the only non-Catholic. Guess what the group decided to see? The DaVinci Code. They called Adam, but he said, "I'll just stay home. Thanks anyway." The phone ran again, and this young man had changed everyone else's mind. They ended up seeing a Pixar cartoon. (Of course, Adam had to put up with some jabbing because of his stance - but what the hey).
Blessings,
Stephanie
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chrisv664
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| Posted: June 30 2006 at 9:24am | IP Logged
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I am coming into this conversation a bit late, but my experience with my oldest daughter who is now 18 might be helpful. We have our main computer which the whole family uses right here in the kitchen where I can glance over at any time to monitor what is happening; we have filters and time limit.My husband is a computer geek and he has fixed it so the internet automatically shuts off at 11PM. We can control this from our bedroom computer, so if someone is in the middle of something, we can extend that time if need be.
It is so much work to be vigilant in this area, but that is what we, as parents must be, and not "bury our heads in the sand" as someone put it in an earlier post.
There have been several times in the past year where I felt I needed to inform the parents of my daughter's best friend of certain activities, whether online or among peers. What I have found is that sometimes parents are willing to bury their head in the sand because they feel helpless to do anyting about a situation. Now that I have seen that this, surprisingly, seems to be their approach, I feel I cannot be "the informer" any longer... my daughter has borne the brunt of my vigilance and now no longer counts this girl, her best friend since third grade, as a close friend. She has been ostracized by several friends who have said things to her like, "Why couldn't you just lie to your Mom like we did to ours?"
I have grown to love this particular friend of my daughter's almost as one of my own, and this situation has made me heartsick... deep down she really is a good person, I think just trying to break out of the mold a bit. I told my daughter I was going to back off, and unless I saw something that would endanger this young lady's health or safety, I wouldn't step in again.
The bottom line is this, I have observed the teens with the most restrictions on the computer, to just go behind their parents' back and do what they want to anyway. My approach is to allow them access and be open with them about what I see there; in turn I feel both my teens have been open with me and we discuss so many things together- things I never talked about with my own Mom! As I said, it is more work, but in the end,definitely worth the extra effort for the conversation starters it has provided!
One other thing: I think a mistake I made in letting other parents know information I had was that I assumed their source would remain hidden from their children, but I was wrong. So you might want to be sure that your identity, as a source of information, remains confidential if you need to approach another parent. Once it became known where information was coming from, my daughter suffered quite a bit. Although when I asked her, she said that knowing what she knows now, she doesn't think we could have handled things any differently. So I am comforted by her maturity in accepting the social consequences of her genuine concern for people she cared about. As college approaches for her this fall, I think we are all looking for a fresh start, and I ask your prayers for her in finding some uplifting companions in college.
__________________
Chris
Loving Wife of Dan and Mom to Kate, Jessica, Ben,
Rebecca, Thomas and Hannah
Burning The Candle At Both Ends
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Topic: Wish I didn't know
