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pumpkinmom
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| Posted: June 02 2014 at 3:10pm | IP Logged
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teenage boy? I've never been peer influenced or give into peer pressure (ok, perhaps once in a while, but not normally  ). My oldest son thinks he has to do 100% what every one else does or he will be a social misfit. His closest friend (for his whole life) is very much like me and that still hasn't helped.
Here is what we are struggling with currently (this has been a struggle since day 1 of homeschooling). I want to homeschool "year round". I can't seem to get a schedule to work for us. After much prayer I found a good solution that works for us as a family. This does not work for my son. All I'm doing is moving our "summer term" to July instead of June and taking June off instead of July. This doesn't work for my son because the public school is doing summer school now and not in July and it makes him feel different. None of his friends go to summer school! I told him that I will not stop him from getting together with his friends once we start back in July until public school starts. I plan to have our afternoons free for the pool too. Missing getting together with friends due to school has never been a problem in the past. He still can't get past it.
He was so upset with me that he has locked himself in his room. I cleared up every issue he gave me and still it is not enough. He simply doesn't want to look different than any of his public school friends. Honestly, his public school friends don't care and occasional tell him that they wished they were homeschooled. This doesn't help either. I feel for him because I know he feels like a social misfit and he isn't and no one thinks he is but himself. I've got to get this under control before it gets serious!
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
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Pilgrim
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| Posted: June 02 2014 at 4:12pm | IP Logged
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No answers, just assurance that you're not alone. Dd 13 is very easily embarrassed now, which was never much of a problem before. Many  I know very much how difficult this stage is to wade through especially with the firstborn since you've never been through it before. Oh, and she gets easily crabby over these types of things, too.
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: June 03 2014 at 6:31am | IP Logged
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My ds is 16, so that may make this different developmentally, but he is going through the same type of issues. He also gets cranky and retreats to his room and music. but the reasons for whatever make sense(even though when I explain them it doesn't seem he gets it) and after a few hours, if I give him his space, he understands and is over it.
Learning so much on this first trip through the teens. I thought I would really fail but I am having so much fun-when I am not confused. I do littles better 
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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SallyT
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| Posted: June 03 2014 at 8:00am | IP Logged
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I'm getting a lot of blowback currently from my almost-12-year-old son on the same theme. We have a lot of "but nobody else does any school in the summer" arguments, over what's not even full-on school, but roughly 10 minutes of writing and math practice daily. Or, it would be 10 minutes if we didn't have to argue about it . . .
The funny thing is that I happen to know that friends of his, homeschooled and not, *do* do some schoolwork in the summer. But never mind that! People are not supposed to do ANY schoolwork in the summer! Nobody but us does crazy things like that! Etc!
I'm just trying to power through it, to get done what we need to get done, which is little enough. Sometimes I think you just have to do that. And sometimes the pushback really is about peer pressure and/or feeling embarrassed, and sometimes it's just about not wanting to do what you want them to do, and grasping at anything that looks like a plausible argument against it. Either way, I think you just have to stick to your guns, as calmly as possible, if they're something you're really invested in.
But it's sure not fun. You have my complete and total sympathy.
Sally
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: June 03 2014 at 8:18am | IP Logged
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My oldest is not influenced this way, but I anticipate this sort of blow back with my third gets to be that age. However, even now, at 5, he is like Anne's son where things are much smoother if you walk away, let it go, and give him his space to change his own mind. He is too stubborn to change his mind in the heat of the moment.
Sally, I *know* it doesn't do any good to argue, but I imagine teenagers are much like toddlers in this respect, and as with my toddlers, I would be SO tempted. With your son, my response would likely be, "Maybe, but nobody but crazy people like us decide willy-nilly to blow off regular school days for fun," or any number of other things that he LIKES that other people really don't do.
I don't have teenagers, but some of my boyss are already lawyers in the making, and I find that I am at my best when I state my case in simple terms (so I don't turn into the adults from Peanuts--wah-wahwah-wahwah)and walk away. I cannot change their mind anymore than others can change mine. I can't recall EVER changing my own mind about something in the moment through a single conversation! But if I can summarize my reasoning on an issue into a catch phrase of sorts that I can deliver when the issue comes up, sort of like a "house rule," eventually it sinks in.
I don't know if this works with girls, but I think that it is definitely a boy thing. Lectures are NEVER fruitful! (Doesn't mean I don't ever succumb to the temptation...)
I don't know if it is actually helpful but this article by Mike Rowe on the event of his parents' 53rd wedding anniversary is at least amusing. I don't know if we are as effective in our delivery, but it is a strategy we've used  They appear to have been masters in thwarting peer influences The key, though, seems to have been starting young
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Lindsay
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St. Ann
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| Posted: June 03 2014 at 8:22am | IP Logged
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I was just thinking... remembering...
Didn't your dad or mom ever give you the good ol' "Empire State Building" line????
something like: "If Joe jumps off the Empire State Building, it doesn't mean you have to!"
there were several variations on this them... Their argument to say to me: we do things differently in our family and it is just the way it is!
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SallyT
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| Posted: June 03 2014 at 3:34pm | IP Logged
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Yes, it's very hard not to get sucked into arguments, though my line is typically something to do with jumping off the Empire State Building . . . :) I just try to be the immovable wall the person is hitting the tennis ball of resistance off of. It's no fun, but eventually they do have to give up. Or lose privileges.
There really is no reasoning sometimes -- even reminders that we're often off when other people are in school are wasted breath, in my experience.
"Because that's the way it is" is my mantra. I probably say it in my sleep.
Sally
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CrunchyMom
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Yes. I think the empire state building line is pretty versatile.
Idk about 13 year olds specifically, but in general, I feel like I owe the kids a single, simple explanation and that's it. I refuse to play ping-pong with them. Or tennis or whatever. But since it is not only the resistance that is an issue but rather his self-esteem you are trying to address, you might find some power of positive thinking type way to frame your response, one that reminds him he is not the social misfit he thinks he is. Since this seems from your description to be a frequent issue, find a way to say something like, "We do what works best for our family," as a nice succinct mantra or house rule, but you might add onto it for this son, "but remember your friends like you for you, not whether your crazy mom and dad make you do things differently." As long as my son were treating me respectfully, I would not be afraid to own my role as the crazy parent, allowing him to accept me as the misfit rather than seeing himself that way.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Martha
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I don't think parents necessarily owe their kids an explanation for why they do things the way they do, but occasionally it's helpful to give them what my dh refers to as the reorient the eyes on the ball chat.
A teen boy who always feels forced to do whatever is going to have resentment no matter how reasoned and good the whatever is for him, even if he agrees it is good for him. Makes no sense. But it is what it is and ignoring that fact just makes everyone miserable. Don't even ask how I know.
I don't necessarily change plans to suit them, but I do think it is very important to come to an agreement that you are on their team. Yes, it should be taken for granted and presumed, but you just can't do that with teen boys who seem naturally disinclined to bend to authority, even just kind reasoned good for them even according to themselves authority - just because.
So I'd be talking about why I think this is important for them personally.
What's the final goal here? When my boys feel I'm working FOR them to help them reach their goals, they still don't always like it, but a little good will goes miles in cooperation in my limited experience.
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: June 03 2014 at 8:55pm | IP Logged
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Filing that one away, Martha! 
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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pumpkinmom
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| Posted: June 03 2014 at 9:50pm | IP Logged
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Oh, I appreciate all the brainstorming, ideas, and personal stories! It's all helpful! I'm pondering, praying, and seeking feedback from a close friend who knows my son well. I have a book I want to reference too. Thanks everyone!
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
Tending the Pumpkin Patch
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JodieLyn
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You know I've done this some with my oldest daughter. Totally different approach than I take with my son.. when he gets that stubborn look (yes, I am well aware of where he gets that look from) I refer him to his father. Let the big rooster deal with the young cockerel
I think it would take a varied approach. Sometimes it needs a "that's the way life is" approach and sometimes it needs a more compassionate "you're not going to lose all your friends because we do something different" approach.
And I would apply the second when talking more intimately without other witnesses (lot of those in our house), and when I'm getting a respectful discussion rather than just having stumbling blocks thrust at me (which warrants the first)
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MelissaClaire
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| Posted: June 04 2014 at 7:30am | IP Logged
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No real advice, but the title of the post reminded me of a book I just read, "Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers". It was a good read.
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pumpkinmom
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| Posted: June 04 2014 at 7:47am | IP Logged
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MelissaClaire wrote:
| No real advice, but the title of the post reminded me of a book I just read, "Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers". It was a good read. |
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 I've read that book a few years ago and it was good. I think the advice they gave me for my child was, good luck!
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
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cathhomeschool
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Martha wrote:
I don't necessarily change plans to suit them, but I do think it is very important to come to an agreement that you are on their team. Yes, it should be taken for granted and presumed, but you just can't do that with teen boys who seem naturally disinclined to bend to authority, even just kind reasoned good for them even according to themselves authority - just because.
So I'd be talking about why I think this is important for them personally.
What's the final goal here? When my boys feel I'm working FOR them to help them reach their goals, they still don't always like it, but a little good will goes miles in cooperation in my limited experience. |
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This approach is what works best around here with most of my boys. It takes time and patience and usually involves a long heart to heart...but it's worth it. And it would probably involve less time and patience if I didn't blow my top first...
JodieLyn wrote:
I think it would take a varied approach. Sometimes it needs a "that's the way life is" approach and sometimes it needs a more compassionate "you're not going to lose all your friends because we do something different" approach.
And I would apply the second when talking more intimately without other witnesses (lot of those in our house), and when I'm getting a respectful discussion rather than just having stumbling blocks thrust at me (which warrants the first) |
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This applies to us as well. Depending on the child, the issue and the resistence (stubbornness) level, short is better than a long heart to heart.
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Martha
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cathhomeschool wrote:
This approach is what works best around here with most of my boys. It takes time and patience and usually involves a long heart to heart...but it's worth it. And it would probably involve less time and patience if I didn't blow my top first... |
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Yeah I know all about that too....
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Martha
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 05 2014 at 10:15am | IP Logged
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One thing I try and keep in mind is that while we should be sympathetic to the worries of a child.. we also don't want to create a situation where the child feels his worries are valid because of our concern, if they're not.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Mom21
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JodieLyn wrote:
| One thing I try and keep in mind is that while we should be sympathetic to the worries of a child.. we also don't want to create a situation where the child feels his worries are valid because of our concern, if they're not. |
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I so agree with this!! Sometimes I think we parents make things bigger than they need to be. (And believe me, I am guilty of this!) Our children sometimes need to carry their crosses just as we adults do and to solve these issues on their own.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How do you deal with a peer influenced
