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TryingMyBest
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| Posted: Jan 24 2014 at 6:44pm | IP Logged
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We have an elderly kitty who was recently diagnosed with cancer. We've decided not to treat since he's very old and I don't want to put him through anything painful. He's gone downhill pretty quickly and I've made the decision to have him put to sleep this weekend. I've arranged for a vet to come to our house because this kitty HATES the vet. Sweetest cat ever but always turned completely psycho at the vet's office.
I'm debating whether my daughter should be present or not. She's 4. I don't think she understands death. We've read many saints' stories and talked about how Jesus died so she's heard about death but I don't think she really understands it. I've read some things online about how it's good to have your young children present at the end. She wasn't very attached to this cat since he's been elderly her entire life and never wanted much to do with her. I will be very upset though and I'm concerned about how my daughter will react to my being upset. Maybe she'll be scared to see me cry?
Anyone been through this with a pet and a young child? Did you allow your children to be present?
Also maybe I'm a downer but I really hate the whole rainbow bridge story. I don't believe that pets have a soul that exists after their death. How did you explain the loss of a pet to a young child?
Jenn
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 24 2014 at 7:30pm | IP Logged
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This is a case where I find ignorance is bliss. When a child asks me about if the dog or cat goes to heaven I can honestly tell them that I don't know for sure and ask them what they think.. but I don't bring it up either.
I don't think that having a child there (or an adult) is either good or bad. Rather each person needs to decide for themselves and it's ok for the answer to be different even within a family.
Since she's not attached to the cat, I think I wouldn't have her in the room.
And I'd also tell her that the kitty is sick and hurting and it's making mommy very sad. But that we know it's ok to be sad.
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SallyT
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| Posted: Jan 24 2014 at 7:49pm | IP Logged
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Oh, poor kitty. These losses are always hard.
Short answer: No. I think I'd try to have my 4-year-old be somewhere else, and probably not say much, if anything, about the vet's coming. No big goodbye beforehand. I think a 4-year-old would not understand the why, and would want to prevent what would seem like a bad, mean thing. If she comes home and the kitty has died -- well, the kitty was sick, and now he's not suffering, and we can remember all the good things about him and say goodbye to him and thank God for the gift of his life.
Longer answer: We have had a goodly number of pets over the years, which means that we've had a goodly number of pet deaths, but with one exception they've all involved discovering a pet already deceased, and then having a burial service. When we had a much-loved rabbit who was clearly dying, we did have her put to sleep, but I was able to take her in by myself. I would not have taken the children, who were then . . . I forget how old exactly, but I did have two in the 3- to 4-year-old range at the time. I think there's a big difference, especially for a young child, between confronting the death of a pet and seeing it happen by human hands.
All that rainbow bridge stuff pretty much makes me want to barf. It's sappy and sentimental and untrue. What we have always said is that God knows and loves our beloved animals, and that even the fall of a sparrow is in His hands. Whatever happens to a loved animal, it will be good and right, because God cares for even tiny things.
When asked whether we'll see Penelope in heaven -- or whoever, because there have been a lot of them, as I said -- we generally say that all good things are in God, and that everything we need to make us happy, beyond our wildest dreams, will be waiting for us in Heaven, and that beyond that, we really don't know much. With older kids, we have had animal-soul-or-not conversations, but at this moment I can't remember what exactly we say. I've had conversations about whether animals sin and need to go to Confession -- there are benefits, I guess, to not having a soul in this world.
These things are hard, but they are what they are. We were stupid enough to buy our oldest daughter a fish when she was a year old (in honor of the fact that "fish" was one of her earliest words), and of course it very shortly died. She noticed at once that it was gone -- I think I took it out of her room while she was asleep, before she noticed that anything was wrong with it -- and for a long time one of the things she said obsessively was, "Fishy died." Thus began a lifetime of grief over animals large and small . . . and of course sometimes the grief has been mine, too. My kids don't like to see me cry -- it really bothers them when I get choked up when reading aloud to them, as I frequently do -- but at least they're seeing that I don't hide my emotions. Still, I try to have my real hard cry, if I need one, in private, so that when they see me, I'm more or less in command of myself. But I don't have a problem saying, "Yes, I'm crying, because I feel sad. It's sad to say goodbye. But I'll be happier in a little while."
I am sorry for your loss. It is truly hard to say goodbye to a good and faithful friend.
Sally
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TryingMyBest
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| Posted: Jan 24 2014 at 8:38pm | IP Logged
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Thanks. He's been with me almost 20 years. Through my single years. Moved from apartment to apartment. From one city to the next through grad school and my early career years. He was just always there through all of the big milestones and changes in my life; sitting right in my lap or snuggling up next to me in bed. He was my first real adult responsibility, KWIM? The first real living thing I ever committed to.
Jenn
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SallyT
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| Posted: Jan 24 2014 at 8:43pm | IP Logged
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I grew up with cats, and I know what good friends they are. 20 years is good innings, and a lot of life together. I know you'll miss him.
Sally
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 24 2014 at 9:32pm | IP Logged
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Well with no choice, I have had to have young children with me when taking a pet in. We left the room. And basically there was nothing we could do the kitty was dying and it was hurting so we gave him a shot so that he could go to sleep and die without pain. And then the kids wanted to say good bye so we did that (hard on mom who is the one who doesn't wanna).
So if you don't have a choice, it's still doable even if rather nerve wracking.
We love kitties here and with 10 kids and a very busy schedule we can love on our kitties and not worry about needing time to train and play with dogs. We'd also like dogs but we just don't have time for them now. While the kitties just need us to feed them and love on them when they wanna. 
 Jenn
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Jan 24 2014 at 10:35pm | IP Logged
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I'm so sorry you will have to say farewell to your beloved kitty. I am very attached to my cats, and I can tell you are, too.
In your situation, I would not bring my child into the room. I would take the vet to your kitty, go through that process and tell my child that the vet came because he knew Kitty was ill, but that Kitty was too old and too ill to get better, and he died. And, yes, it's okay to be sad and to miss Kitty, and Mommy feels just the same way.
I think most four-year-olds really can't understand death in the way older children can. (Most can't even understand that the person in a costume is still the same person when the costume has been taken off. It's a brain development thing.) It's fine to use words to explain death of pets. You don't have to provide physical evidence.
Also, since you know it's going to be a very sad time for you, if your husband or a trusted friend could be with your daughter so you had some private time to grieve, that would be best for you...you're the one who's going to feel the loss most deeply.
You will have plenty of time in the months and years to come to explain death to your daughter, and she will come to understand it.
I'll be praying for you.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Kids & Pet Loss?
