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Dawnie
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| Posted: May 21 2006 at 3:37pm | IP Logged
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I have been looking through previous posts here and I've seen some of you who are "Moms of Many" comment that you love the chaos of a big family. I was wondering, among those of you who feel this way, did you always feel this way? Was it a struggle to let go of a desire for quiet and order? Do any of you mothers of large families dislike the chaos, the noise, and the mess?
Dealing with noise and disorder is a cross for me personally and I was just wondering if any of the rest of you struggle with that. I do take my responsibilities as a housekeeper seriously and I generally do my best, but you all know how quickly children can undo a cleaned-up room! I try not to let it bother me when I'm not able to do anything about it, but it is a struggle.
Dawn
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Mom to Mary Beth (99), Anna (02), Lucia (04), Clara (06), and Adelaide Victoria (2/28/09)
Visit my blog!Water Into Wine:Vino Per Tutto!
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Martha
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| Posted: May 21 2006 at 3:56pm | IP Logged
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YES!
I have a natural dislike of chaos, crowds, and noise. (I believe there was a thread a while back about dealing with dhs who feel this way?) Those things are like nails on a chalkboard to me. I can handle it occassionally, but any more than that would drive me to insanity.
Some of it is our small house, there literally is no where to run and hide from it all.  It's always right there in front of me.
I've learned to cope though. Nip things in the bud before they escalate as much as possible. I'm very organized, which avoids many problem situations.
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ALmom
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| Posted: May 21 2006 at 4:43pm | IP Logged
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I love the big family - always dreamed of one. However, by temperment, I am not a lover of noise and chaos and I do get frustrated with messes occuring immediately after they are cleaned and have been known to break into tears or have a mini temper tantrum.
I used to mow the grass because it was relaxing - 30 minutes or more away from all noise but the hum of the mower and when it was done, it stayed done for at least 1 week. Due to safety, no one could hang on me while I mowed.
I have learned to laugh at myself with my dc so that my annoyance can be decompressed. As a child, I scared myself with my temper, so I am by no means an even tempered person. I laugh at all the comments about what a patient person I must be in order to homeschool all these dc. I do know that it is really important for me to have some time to chill - I guess I try to pay attention to the early warning signs so that I can get a few minutes of silence and avoid the explosion. I may give an SOS to dh and have been known to "disappear" in the backyard to have some nature moments to decompress if I cannot get to the chapel. I have even joked with dc and sent myself to my room for "attitude adjustment".
I also have to guard against over-extending myself. Many times taking care of our own family is all that we can do and I tend to feel quilty for not .... My dh suggested that we get the "Just say No" stickers to put on the phone so I wouldn't try to help out everyone who calls for it. If I am in and out of the car too much, dh has been out of town or I have had too many late nights, I can sense a creeping weight and I then become even more sensitive to noise and chaos than normal and am still working on this.
But I still love the big family and, in a certain sense, all the noise and chaos! Isn't that clear?  How do I explain how I can really love what drives me nuts!
Janet
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Erin
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| Posted: May 21 2006 at 8:13pm | IP Logged
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Dawn
I am from a large family, the eldest of eight. Our family was far more chaotic and noisy compared to my household. Don't think that my household is not noisy at times and occasionaly chaotic but it is certainly less so than the house I grew up in.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm lucky in that I am used to large family dynamics, my husband is also as he is one of seven. Yet I am a more orderly person by nature than my mother. I have a large toleration limit but at a certain point I 'snap' I endevour to maintain under that level.
I've found the secret for us is not to be out too often. From Monday to Thursday afternoon we stay at home. All activities and jobs are done in the other period. The children need to be at home to be centered and so do I. This way we can have a relaxed way of life and we can stay on top of the mess. Funnily enough the more children I've had the more organised I've gotten.
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Bridget
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I am the oldest of 10, so I grew up with a busy home. I enjoy the hustle and bustle of the children as they play, school, and work. But I do have a need for order. They do too.
Orderliness does not come naturally to them. At least not mine. It is part of my job to teach the children to clean up after themselves and to organize their work or project. It's part of my job to teach them how to behave in an orderly manner.
The process of teaching them can be slow. But I am learning to slow down and view each activity as another opportunity to teach them to clean up. Or organize their work space. Or think through the best way to do things. Of course I could sweep through and do it faster myself. Sometimes I do. However, the benefits of teaching them what to do in a situation means that the next time it is happening, it goes more smoothly.
For instance, getting out of the van when we return from somewhere. Each child is in charge of a younger child, or the diaper bag, unlocking the door, searching under van seats for bottles or sippy cups... That situation used to be horrible because they were tired and falling apart. Now we get inside with a minimum of chaos.
I noticed that when either of my daughters entered a room, it was with an excited, shrieky sort of voice. It escalated the chaos right away. I don't want to squelch their natural enthusiasm, but I have been working on teaching them to enter using a softer voice. It's working and it makes a difference.
A certain amount of mess or chaos is unavoidable. But when I stopped trying to fight chaos for my own sake, and starting teaching the children because it will help them in their lives, we started having more order and less chaos.
ETA: Chocolate helps a lot!
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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stacykay
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Dawn,
Don't feel alone! I was basically an only child (my 2sis' are 16 and 13 years older than me.) When my dad was at work, my mum and I pursued our passion for reading, so we had a very quiet and orderly home.
When my boys started arriving, I used to hate the party invitations to "Chuckee Cheese" type places (pizza places where there are a bazillion kiddies running around, screaming at the tops of their lungs  , lots of bright lights, noisy arcade games and absolute chaos, at least from where I saw it!  ) I used to take Tylenol before we would walk in the door!
I struggle daily with the mess that seems to come with 6 active boys (mud, dirt, spills -always right after I mop the floor!, smelly uniforms heaped by the door, assorted shoes- dress/athletic/play- that don't always find their way to the proper closet, and, well, you get the idea.)
The noise, I have somehow gotten used to it. For the most part. I may have a day where I take off for a walk as soon as dh walks in the door! But we also have times when one ds may be on a campout, or something, and boy, taking that one voice out of the mix, it sure seems quiet! 
I second the laughing at oneself to de-stress a situation. I can be quite a crab when I feel things whirling out of control. When that happens, it is usually due to the need for a bit of housekeeping, and my dh seems especially good at mobilizing the troops to remedy those situations.
I never anticipated having these 6 wonderful guys, and I find myself looking around the table and thinking, "It doesn't seem like a lot, it's just our boys." I try to remember how fast it goes (although I didn't have to do that for myself today, my oldest ds did it by graduating from high school this afternoon!)   
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
6 dss (18, 15, 11, 8, 4, and 1) with 2 in Heaven (David '87 and Irene '01)
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Willa
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I had to grow into it. I was the oldest of 3 and my littlest brother came later so we had a quiet household growing up. I am quiet too. My favorite place to be is a library. Well, we have the books here ~~~!
The noise I can deal with most of the time. It's so much less obnoxious than all the noise I grew up with -- school cafeterias used to knock me out completely 
The mess is difficult. I like things to stay in their places and my organizational style is intuitive. Intuitive organization does NOT work in a large family. Things have to be labelled and kept where others can find them or I end up being the family "seeker" and "finder" And things NEVER stay in their places unless they are hidden where no one has access to them, which defeats the purpose of having the things in the first place.
Sometimes I allow myself to visualize twenty years from now. I am coming to the end of my childbearing years -- my oldest is turning 20 and my youngest is 3. In a few years I won't have any mess-makers, except maybe DH. Or sometimes, alternately, I try to imagine if I had had only had the customary 2, maybe 3 children. My first 3 kids are ages almost 20, 18, and 16. They are basically grown and moving towards independence. For me, this is a poignant thought and makes me realize how tidiness and quiet are inevitable all too soon and will have quite a bit of loss mixed in with them!
It doesn't make me enjoy piles of laundry and books out of shelves and toys on the floor, but it does help me realize it isn't such a high price to pay. I guess I have grown that way over time.
The time I get most stressed by the noise and chaos is when we are out and about. Somehow, my children are a projection of my self-image. I have always worked hard to keep a low profile and with a large family and little ones, that's just not going to happen -- we are going to stand out! And it affects me personally -- I get as humiliated as if I was the one giggling or running or filling a whole aisle in solo. That's definitely a cross to bear and I know it shows a wrongness of attitude I am working to reverse. My husband is the opposite -- he loves going in public as a witness to the large family -- he probably doesn't feel so personally responsible for everything they do or don't do! Plus, he came from a larger and quite exuberant family himself.
I vacuum when I want peace -- everyone goes to separate corners of the house, the noise blocks out everything, and it's so satisfying to go after those dust bunnies with the hose attachment. They actually stay gone for a little while....
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Cheryl
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| Posted: May 22 2006 at 12:20pm | IP Logged
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Dawn,
My family isn't really large yet, but we're growing fairly quickly. The noise level sometimes drives me nuts! The oldest is quiet like me and the baby doesn't talk yet, so it's really my dh and the other 2 "talkers" as my dh and I call them, that make most of the noise. We were at a restaurant recently and my dh took the talkers to the bathroom with him. I was amazed at the peace I felt. My oldest, the baby and I sat there in happy silence.
Right now it's quiet time. I try to give myself that everyday. (It doesn't always work out though.) I have the dc go in separate rooms to be quiet for 1 hr. They can read, draw or play as long as they are quiet and stay in the room. I have one that can't control his humming. I'm getting used to it.
I don't do well with messes. I like everything to be in it's place, particularly at night when I want to relax in a well ordered space. I have more tolerence when I'm taking care of myself. I mean when I'm not tired, hungry or anxious. When I'm really relaxed and content, the outside messes don't bother me so much. I try to keep my bedroom neat, so at least I can relax in there at night when I don't have energy to do anything about the rest of the house.
I identified with Willa in wanting to keep a low profile. I've always been that way. I've been going to the house we're building regularly and wondering why it bothers me when the dc come out of the van yelling and acting like kids. I feel like the whole neighborhood can hear us. I guess I don't want to attract attention to us. My dh is the opposite, he wants the attention. He eats it up.
I like what Willa said about the twenty years later visual. That's a good thing for me to think about.
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Cheryl
Wife to Bob ('97)
Mom to Matthew 13, Joseph 11, Sarah 10, Rachel 6, Hannah almost 4 and Mary 1
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Mary G
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I'm from a noisy, loud, large family so I just assumed THAT was normal  -- but dh is from a small (only 3) VERY QUIET family. It has been a true sacrifice for my in-laws to have us here for the month of May!
But yes, to answer your question -- I always wanted a big family and wish I could have more than my 5!
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3 boys (22, 12, 8)2 girls (20, 11)
my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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Mary G
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Mary G wrote:
I'm from a noisy, loud, large family so I just assumed THAT was normal -- but dh is from a small (only 3) VERY QUIET family. It has been a true sacrifice for my in-laws to have us here for the month of May!
But yes, to answer your question -- I always wanted a big family and wish I could have more than my 5! |
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The funny thing, of my six siblings: - two have no children
- one has 1 child
- one has 2 children
- one has 3 children
- one has 10 (he's my favorite!)
Of my mom's six siblings:
- two have no children
- one has 2 children
- one has 4 children
- two have 5 children
So there's just no predicting how things will shake out.
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MaryG
3 boys (22, 12, 8)2 girls (20, 11)
my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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Erin
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| Posted: May 22 2006 at 6:13pm | IP Logged
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Dh says that I should come clean and admit that part of the reason I can handle the children's noise is I don't hear all of it.
I have a mild to moderate hearing loss (since birth) and when the children get too noisy I take out my hearing aids At the risk of sounding like Pollyanna there are benefits.
It is interesting that many of you are commenting on how much easier it is for dh's from large family's to cope than those of you from small families. Those from large families must be conditioned from birth. I have heard of this before, I know of a couple who are both only children and they have ten children and find the noise very difficult, also the sibling interaction, there are often unsure as to what is normal.
Having five brothers I don't blink an eyelid at anything my boys do, nobody could do as many dumb, dangerous things as they did. Although I have to confess the fighting is getting to me at present, dh says to chill out, they are just 'learning their boundaries'. 
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stacykay
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Erin wrote:
It is interesting that many of you are commenting on how much easier it is for dh's from large family's to cope than those of you from small families.
Having five brothers I don't blink an eyelid at anything my boys do, nobody could do as many dumb, dangerous things as they did. Although I have to confess the fighting is getting to me at present, dh says to chill out, they are just 'learning their boundaries'. |
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My dh was one of three boys. The noise doesn't faze him in the least, but his somewhat smaller family was so loud! When we were dating, I would leave his house with a headache!
The antics of boys took me a very long time to accept. I would call my dh at work to report problems, and he would say, "that's boys." I even would talk to our pediatrician, so very concerned about their fighting, and he would say that it was normal, and btw, why don't you try a Rosary to relax! (yes, our Ped. is a Catholic.)
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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Erin
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stacykay wrote:
| The antics of boys took me a very long time to accept. I would call my dh at work to report problems, and he would say, "that's boys." I even would talk to our pediatrician, so very concerned about their fighting, and he would say that it was normal, and btw, why don't you try a Rosary to relax! (yes, our Ped. is a Catholic.) |
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I've rung too, can't say I always got the response I wanted.
I have a nine year old boy at present and I find it a difficult time with boys. the other day the boys had a 'massive fight' one even had his shirt torn. I was soo upset, banished both to their rooms till dh came home. After he was informed all he said was, "Well they will learn their limits won't they'. I was NOT impressed, I was quite ugly I thought.
Two days later at soccer training one brother emptied a water bottle on another, it was cold and on dusk. I could just 'see' the scene that would erupt, as I 'jumped' on the situation another father-also a friend, told me not to worry about it, 'boys will be boys... its just testorone etc'. I really think I'm missing the point as I'm not male. 
A Rosary to relax- not bad, although I think I could be to the fifth decade before I realx some days.
I love my boys, don't get me wrong,I even do a good job of understanding them, its just that I get tired of their fighting.
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Suzy
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I am the oldest of two. My brother is five years younger. My best friend in jr high-high school had 10 brothers and sisters. At the time we hung out there were seven living at home. I absolutely loved going over her house. I loved the noise and chaos.
Now being the mom of a large family (7 soon to be 8) I still enjoy the business--most days! Some days I long to have a sane schedule that is dictated by only me! Since my first three were so close, it's almost like we have two families. They are now 18,17,16 and the others follow in at 12,9,5,2. So, lots of schedules and business to contend with.
Three things we don't do in the house...roughhouse, scream or run. The noise I can take.
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ALmom
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It's not necessarily what you grew up with. In our house, my dh only had one brother but he is not in the least bit fazed by the noise or the mess - and this despite very strong organizational tendencies and very quiet home.
I grew up in a house with 2 sis and 2 brothers. We fought, we had music going, we were crowded, etc. It was very noisy and chaotic. I did find that I never could study at the library because it was "too quiet". I guess I learned to totally block out noise like that - but in the library every whispered conversations drove me nuts (is it because I was a horrible eaves dropper and dh says I'd have made a superb spy!) He has also learned that when my nose is in a book, I truely do not hear a thing!
So why do I have more difficulty with noise and chaos. It is not a constant thing - but I do find myself getting a feeling of being utterly frustrated by it. It is usually my sign that I have been neglecting some area - either dh and I haven't had time to talk so little things get to me, or I have overdone, or not taken care of basic needs or ...
The more I learn to communicate, the easier it is. I also realize that there is nothing wrong with telling dc that mom needs a few minutes of peace and quiet and either sending them outside or requiring a bit of time. It is all balance and everyone learning to respect the needs of everyone else in the family and everyone working to find solutions. Most of the time noise and chaos are great - but if I have had a really bad day, had bad news or something, then my basic need for quiet comes to the front. My young boys are exuberant and do need to burn off energy - but they can do this just as well outside as by running through the house. (not that this isn't allowed sometimes - but they have learned to stop when I ask them to and I have learned to ask nicely). This also happens after a homeschool gathering when I need a few minutes after everyone else's dc have gone to regroup myself and I might ask all dc to give me 15 minutes of quiet. I have been known to ask a dd if she wouldn't mind practicing violin first (done in her room) as opposed to piano (done in the living area where I normally love to hear it - but sometimes just need a few minutes reprieve).
When dc were little - an outing to the park helped because the open space was calming and quieter - and as long as we had food and drink - dc often fell blissfully asleep on the way home!
Janet
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Lisbet
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I don't always love it, as I tell the kids, there is a time and a place for it. :) So, depending on the circumstances, sometimes I just roll with it, other times I nip it right away.
ACK!! I hear ya all on the boy thing. I have 5 boys, 11, 7, 5, 3, and 1. I never thought I would have to say to someone "You are NOT really a ninja"!!! Or, "fishing poles are for fishing, not sword fighting~!!"
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Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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kristina
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Lisbet wrote:
| I never thought I would have to say to someone "You are NOT really a ninja"!!! Or, "fishing poles are for fishing, not sword fighting~!!" |
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kristina
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Always felt this way?
