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kristacecilia
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| Posted: Jan 08 2014 at 12:05pm | IP Logged
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Late in the summer I started having panic attacks and fairly severe anxiety. I have some idea of what caused it and what I could do to reduce it. Basically it was the cumulative effect of homeschooling and mothering and having extremely high expectations of myself regarding them. I couldn't figure out what else to do so I put the kids who were old enough in our local public school. It's a nice little country school with a truly lovely staff. It's been a good experience for all of us.
However, I miss my kids and I have some issues with the curriculum. I like the idea of taking at least most of the kids back out and homeschooling again, but frankly, I am scared. I never want to have another anxiety attack again. It was so frightening.
I don't want to feel like I give every ounce of myself to my family and have nothing left. I felt completely lost and drained beyond belief before I put them in. I spent the majority of my days either standing over my children forcing them to finish their school work while screaming at the babies to keep them from destroying the house or curled up in a ball on the couch crying. I have no homeschooling support outside of my home. I was completely socially isolated. No friends. No time for friends because I had five kids I was responsible to watch 100% of the time. My husband works long hours and commutes. The house was a wreck because all I did was homeschool and cry and try to clean up the messes the kids made all day long. When I say I was drained I am not exaggerating. I felt like every bit of me had been given and there was nothing left.
Since the kids have been in school I have been doing things I enjoy. I have been able to get a grasp on the house, make friends and get out on a regular basis with just the two littles still at home, took up running, read books, knitted. I feel like overall our family is emotionally healthier and my relationships with my kids are more positive now. I miss my kids, though. Like I said, the curriculum is not great but the school is doing the best they could with it.
I don't know what to do. We said we would reevaluate at Christmas and I almost didn't send some of them back. In the end I did. I feel so guilty for not homeschooling. I feel like a quitter. I miss my kids. I know academically they were getting a better education at home.
I don't know what I am looking for here. Any advice is appreciated?
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God bless,
Krista
Wife to a great guy, mom to two boys ('04, '06) and three girls ('08, '10, '12!)
I blog at http://kristacecilia.wordpress.com/
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 08 2014 at 12:42pm | IP Logged
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What is your strategy for maintaining where you're at, if you do bring the kids home?
How are you going to keep up on the house? Are you going to be able to handle it being lived in 24/7? I think a lot of people run into the problem of "my house is never clean" not because it doesn't get cleaned but because it's not left alone for hours without getting messed up again. Are your kids involved in this or are you trying to do it all by yourself??
Is your oldest old enough to be left in charge for a short while, when you go for a run? or something else? Not a major chunk of time and I'd recommend having a cell phone so you can be reached but.. that will make a huge difference.
It's not like they have to transfer into another school so pulling them out can be done really at any time. Make sure you've got strategies in place though or you're just gonna fall right back into that rut you created.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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SallyT
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I think you have to do the best you can do, whatever that is, which includes caring for yourself. Whether you homeschool or not, you are your children's mother. How you school isn't a measure of the mother you are.
I have had panic and anxiety attacks, and I wholeheartedly sympathize with your desire to stay out of that bad place.
No advice. But it does seem like you have a number of factors hanging in the balance. On the side of public school: gains in the areas of your mental health, order in your home, positive relationships among family members. On the side of homeschooling: more time spent together, higher-quality education.
So it does seem that those are the things you have to weigh -- is one set of factors worth the (possible) sacrifice of the others? What would you need to do to move the positive factors on one side of the scale to the other side -- that is, what would you need to do to import the things you miss about homeschooling into your current life with public school (afterschooling, summer schooling, renewed emphasis on family time together outside school); OR what would you need to do to import the gains in your current life into a re-trial of homeschooling?
For example, if you were to return to homeschooling, what changes could you make with your children to avoid your former sense of isolation, disorder, and non-control? What responsibilities could you shift to your children, now older, in the area of housekeeping, particularly? How could you arrange things so as to maintain the friendships and self-care habits you've cultivated during these last months?
Conversely, if the children were to remain in school, how could you compensate for whatever deficits there are in their curriculum? Carefully-chosen family read-alouds go a long way, for example. Also: family field trips? A Charlotte-Mason-ish approach to summer vacation?
Whatever you do, please don't feel guilty. You haven't failed your children. You have done what was best for everyone under the circumstances, and it's a real milestone to be at a place where' you're ready to re-evaluate. And ultimately, the best decision is the one which gives you the most (in both quantity and quality) satisfactory answers to the questions above. Homeschooling is good; family health, peace, and happiness is better, regardless of how you arrive there.
Prayers for your discernment.
Sally
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Jan 08 2014 at 12:50pm | IP Logged
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Krista ... no one...and I mean NO ONE should ever feel guilty about not homeschooling! Not homeschooling is NOT a sin! DONE!
But you do have a decision to make, so how best to make it? Look at the over all picture, because most of us really can't have it all. We need to compromise some things to gain other things. So, while a better education at home may be possible, is it worth it? Is it THAT much better? Does it stack up to the costs of stress on you?
Which gets us to you. Yes, you can work on yourself and try to improve your ability to deal with stress. Personally, I find self-improvement a bit of a hobby so being in the emotional trenches related to home life works for me. But there are many ways to improve ourselves so that we can be personally stronger, more patient, kind, generous, happy... with the goal of that improved personal peace spilling over into our home and family relationships.
Which gets me to friends...you NEED them! And the TIME for them. To grow love bigger, to keep my sanity, and to just have fun... I need good women in my life. Yes, NEED!
And you are missing your kids. Me too. One moved to Washington state. The other is under my roof a few minutes here and there. The next one is biting at the bit to get out more and more. Teens. So, I'd love to brainstorm about how to handle missing our kids...and how to enjoy them to the fullest when we are together. Thanks for the inspiration!
Gotta run! Know that I'm rooting for you and know that you are doing a GREAT JOB in discerning what is best for you & your family.
ETA: I was cross-posting :)
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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kristacecilia
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Thank you for all the kind words. They soothed my heart and I am going to ponder them for awhile before reposting. <3
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God bless,
Krista
Wife to a great guy, mom to two boys ('04, '06) and three girls ('08, '10, '12!)
I blog at http://kristacecilia.wordpress.com/
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kristacecilia
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| Posted: Jan 10 2014 at 8:28am | IP Logged
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After considering everything you ladies pointed out, I have committed to keeping them in school at least until this year. I am still working on solidifying better habits and recuperating my sanity. We are also doing some renovations that will almost double the usable square footage of our house, which I think will make a huge difference. We have been seven people (with five rambunctious children under 10) in 1050 sq ft until now. Everything is cramped and loud. As a visual person I get very overwhelmed by the constant clutter and mess, and it's more pronounced the smaller the space. I really need periods of rest for my brain during the day when I am not bombarded with visual or auditory stimulation and homeschooling never afforded me any breaks so I am not surprised I was cracking up.
I just want to say that the biggest help you have given me is the reminder that it's ok to do what works for my family. I don't need to feel less than for not homeschooling. Or that I am failing somehow. It's hard not to when you start out with the ideal of how something will be and end up quitting. I am sure all mothers know this.
We are doing some extra stuff outside of school- afterschooling, catechism, read alouds. I am looking forward to a Charlotte Mason-esque summer vacation. Low stress, of course. I love that idea!
I just want to give all of you big hugs. I can't describe how much your words have helped me. I have read over them over and over and I know I'll revisit this thread when I am feeling unsure of myself again. Thank you so much.
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God bless,
Krista
Wife to a great guy, mom to two boys ('04, '06) and three girls ('08, '10, '12!)
I blog at http://kristacecilia.wordpress.com/
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Martha
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When we lived in our previous home, it could get exhausting quick. 1000sq feet for a family of 10 is constant maintaining. Toys can hardly ever be left out bc the walking space is so limited. There is no waiting to clear the table bc it's where the schooling happens. There is no leaving school projects out bc we had to eat. It was loud. Because a small house magnifies like living in a drum. It was what I had to do, but that doesn't change it was hard to do it.
I think it's smart to finish the year, especially if there are going to be renovations. Renovations are VERY stressful while in progress with or without home schooling!
In the mean time, you can start planning for a healthier happier mom with realistic expectations. And I certainly don't think you need answer publicly, but did you consider medical treatment for depression and or anxiety? If you don't need it, that's great. But it's no shame or failure to need help. Needing a corporal or spiritual mercy is not a failure as a mother or a wife.
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Martha
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kristacecilia
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Martha,
YES. That's exactly what it's like. Living in a messy drum with the constant necessary maintenance! I really couldn't have said it better. It's still like that with them in school, but not to the same extent. If I can't get to the breakfast dishes the kids can still do school. I can work my way through the mess and have patience for my three and one year old helpers while I do it. I can take breaks for rest, prayer, or an activity I enjoy. I do really like that and it makes living in this small space much less overwhelming.
I don't mind answering publicly, yes, I did go to my doctor and talked with him about how I was feeling and possible treatment. We decided to wait and see if it improved after the kids were in school and it did- the effects were immediate. I have not had another episode since and had an immediate reduction in stress. Started sleeping better, wanted to get out of the house, started engaging in social activities, started managing my responsibilities better. It was like suddenly my life wasn't too hard anymore. So we opted for no treatment with the understanding that I could ask for further treatment at any time.
Thanks, friend!
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God bless,
Krista
Wife to a great guy, mom to two boys ('04, '06) and three girls ('08, '10, '12!)
I blog at http://kristacecilia.wordpress.com/
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LLMom
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Krista,
I sent you a pm. I just wanted you and anyone else who needs to hear it, you are not a failure of a mom if you don't homeschool, and homeschooling does not determine our worth or holiness.
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Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
homeschooling ideas
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Angie Mc
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LLMom wrote:
Krista,
I sent you a pm. I just wanted you and anyone else who needs to hear it, you are not a failure of a mom if you don't homeschool, and homeschooling does not determine our worth or holiness. |
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Amen.
What I love about this board and the women here is that we grow our relationships, have an open door policy, and understand that family life is full of tests, struggles, changes. While homeschooling brought us together, it is love that keeps us together 
You go, girl!
And I did start this related post: missing our kids
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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JodieLyn
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OH my..living in a messy drum here. I just have some capacity for doing it. AND this is big here. My mom had been staying with us this past summer (and future summers) and while we're looking into renovating the house for another bedroom and bath and more space, we got a small stoage unit and manage to make a temporary room in out one car garage. Well when my mom went south to spend the winter with my sister, we kept that room and made it into a tv room.. but it's MORE SPACE and how lovely it is :D
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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CSBasile
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| Posted: Jan 11 2014 at 8:41am | IP Logged
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Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, homeschooling isn't the best option. Please don't feel guilty about it. Just say an extra prayer to Jesus and ask Him for His guidance and to give you the strength to do the right thing.
I homeschooled my now 11 year old daughter for three years. It am sorry to say it was torturous and painful for both of us. I really tried to make it stimulating, educational and fun for her, but the harder I tried, the more complaints I heard. It really wore me down and made me doubt myself as teacher. I have been a catechist for nine years and never had the difficulties that I had with my daughter.
After a lot of prayer, I sadly realized that homeschooling her was not the best answer for our situation. She needed outside teachers and I needed to return to being just her mom. (Being just her mom is challenging enough!)
She is happy and thriving in school, and I'm beginning to re-gain the confidence that eroded away while I was homeschooling her.
Even if you don't homeschool them "full time," there are plenty of opportunities to teach them at home. I'm not spending hours planning curricula and hands-on activities to help her learn. Instead, my newfound free time can be focused on teaching her skills like sewing, cooking, learning a new hobby, etc. We also do catechism at home. These are the areas where she is less likely to constantly challenge my authority.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how difficult it can be when you really want to homeschool, but it doesn't seem to work out as you wish.
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mamaslearning
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I know this is an older post, but wanted to say thanks Krista for putting this out there. This is helping me tremendously as I discern our path. It's a good reminder of how to look at pros/cons in the context of our life and goals. I too suffered panic/anxiety attacks for a couple of years and it was horrible! Definitely the body and minds way of telling us something has to change. I hope you are doing well and that your renovations are not too stressful.
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
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kristacecilia
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Lara,
I'm glad it is helping you! I still don't know what I should be doing. I'm constantly trying to figure out which is more important: a better education for the kids vs. a more peaceful mom who feels better and acts better. I don't know if I will ever figure it out. :)
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God bless,
Krista
Wife to a great guy, mom to two boys ('04, '06) and three girls ('08, '10, '12!)
I blog at http://kristacecilia.wordpress.com/
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Kathryn
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Krista,
I thought I would *NEVER* put my kids in public school. My oldest were in Catholic school through grades 2/4 respectively until I brought them home. As I posted over on Becky's new topic about whether "real learning is it attainable?", I def "feel" a need for a change of season now as we close year 5. My DS 13 (with multiple learning issues) has just exhausted me in so many ways. I actually have the paperwork to enroll him in the public school down the street for 8th grade next year. While I still feel torn about my desires for a full homeschool time with all my children, I actually feel at peace after much prayer. It's really the same peace after I felt the calling to homeschool 5 years ago.
So, whether this is just another season and may only be for 1 year, I am trying to focus more on the benefits. While I would love to send him back to the Catholic school across the street from our house, I don't think they're any better equipped to work with his multiple learning issues. I do think the public school has the most resources (without killing our pocketbook like private tutors) so it's off to public school he most likely will go. We do live in a very conversative, Southern Bible belt, non-common core state  so that certainly helps my decision. While I still have some concerns about all the potential negative aspects, I am going to work on addressing some of those over the next few months.
Anyway, I just say all that to say that I understand when your heart desires something but your head (and reality) tells you different. Just continue to pray that God will grant you His peace in your decision.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Martha
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| Posted: April 25 2014 at 12:16pm | IP Logged
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I didn't mention this before, but it occurs to me I should now.
First my disclaimers:
I have never been a particular relaxed or unschooling type home schooler. I'm not being critical if those who are, just saying this because I really do get how hard it is to feel stopping is okay.
And because I've literally spent most of my adult life pregnant or with a new baby, I do understand how large families can't always take the stance of "oh I'll let it all go for now in this brief season" because many people don't understand for some moms, moms like me, that season was not brief at all. In fact, it has been 19 years long! (Tho seeing them graduate while still changing diapers for littles is a mixed emotion of it's way too short and yet a seemingly endless marathon!). I never really felt I could take many months off for each pregnancy and then each delivery. That would have been a LOT of time off nearly every year. So I'm well aware of the worry of a break becoming life in general.
All that aside...
In any other profession, taking a much needed sabbatical is not only considered okay, but a necessary good to rekindling our imaginations and enthusiasm. Doctors do it. Professors do it. CEOs do it. They don't do it every year or two. But they usually don't wait 20 years to do it either. And neither should we.
There is a third option. And it's a big hairy scary radical option. But do consider it at least briefly. Everyone, mom and kids, just take a year off. Call it unschooling or interests driven schooling or a schooling sabbatical. Whatever. Buy ONE year out of every 6+ years is really not going to destroy anyone's life. And I'm not talking of trying out unschooling or a break, but purposely deciding to NOT do it for a year. Don't feel you have to wait 10-18+ years to have fun. You don't and neither do your kids. It won't teach them to be lazy. It will teach them that there is a season to everything (and no season should be 20 years of winter even in Canada!) and to balance and be willing to reevaluate life goals.
Anyways. I just thought I'd toss that third option out there because I didn't see it being mentioned.
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Martha
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Kathryn
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Martha, I agree that can be a good choice. Unfortunately it sounds like the dynamics for Krista (and I know for me) is really not JUST the schooling. It's the schooling rolled into the every day of life of children needing constant care (some more than others) and the dynamics of my personality with theirs and theirs with each other that is such a challenge. We are all gifted in different ways and while I don't minimize the challenge of having 10 kids, some are more naturally able to cope with those difficult times. For my almost 14 year old boy in a house with only mom and 3 sisters all day, every day, honestly, I don't think is the best fit for him at this stage of his life. He needs some other positive influences (I'm hoping for some male teachers esp for track) as well as something structured and physical to do with his time all day and the only way that will happen is to put him in a structured environment. Again, it's not my preferred choice but I don't want to send him to boot camp where they're most juvenile delinquents. He certainly doesn't fall in that extreme but I trust the teachers and school district here to provide an overall safe environment, guidance with his academics and a structured outlet for his energy with the many electives he can take but needing that hand-holding to do it.
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Martha
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Maybe you misunderstood me. I wasn't telling anyone what to do. I was simply pointing out that there is a third option and for some it might be a good option for them.
Krista was asking if she should bring them back home to school or continue with the public school for their schooling. I was only tossing in that there is a third option. That's completely up to her family.
Krista knows, or I hope she does, that I'm not going to judge her either way.
But I often think us moms start to think we HAVE to choose this or that when we don't. There's whatever third option we are scared to take for whatever reason, some valid reasons too.
And frankly, I think 13 years in any schooling system (home or otherwise) is too long without a sabbatical for the kids. Ideally, I think they should take two years off twice somewhere in there.
It's amazing how well people can get along under one roof when they realize they don't have to hold the roof up with their bare hands anymore. They can let go and lo and behold it really won't ruin their lives.
Obviously, your experience is different than mine and I hazard neither of us have the same experience as Krista.
I pray she does what her family thinks is best and that it does indeed work out wonderfully for them all.
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Martha
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LLMom
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Kathryn,
That is why I put my children in school. It wasn't just the homeschooling but my exhaustion due to special needs/mental health issues in several children, constant bickering, loneliness from being so rural, etc. It was a package deal. I sent my 4 oldest this year, and it has been wonderful. My 3 that were so unmotivated are thriving and completing homework without any nagging whereas before they constantly whined at me about doing a small bit of school work. Different things work for different people. You might want to stop by my blog where I discuss this very topic with others. See my signature if you want to participate.
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Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
homeschooling ideas
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Martha
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| Posted: April 29 2014 at 12:42pm | IP Logged
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Sigh.
This is so frustrating.
I don't think anyone here has suggested at all any disagreement that different things work for different people.
But last I checked this was a home education board and the OP asked about bringing her kids home.
It's incredibly frustrating to offer nothing more than suggestions and support for possible home education situations being discussed on a home education board and be subtly and not so subtly criticized for not being more supportive of public schooling.
No one, certainly not me, was slamming Krista or anyone else for choosing not to home school for whatever reason or for however long.
But a question was asked about home schooling on a home schooling board and I would hope, possibly futilely, it's okay for someone to answer it from a pro home schooling stance.
From *my* perspective, the brief time I had just two out of my then five kids in public school was a special kind of grueling exhaustion hell. It had every single frustration and meltdown trigger that home schooling has sometimes had only on a schedule I had absolutely no say over and with materials and teachers I had little to no choice in using. Many of the discipline issues we had didn't go away. They were just exchanged for other issues. Same goes for house cleaning and schedules. Case in point, we live in a neighborhood with tons of kids and go weeks not playing with any of them because they are never home. Many have SAHMs and it's still that way. The moms say it's a full time job keeping on top of things for their kids in school.
Now I have 4 teens taking community college classes and 3 with part time jobs and still have 2 littles that haven't started formal schooling yet. I cannot even remotely fathom adding in 4 other siblings' school schedules.
For 13 years all I've heard is that the answer to my non academic problems is to put my kids in public school. *confused* I don't understand that and I don't really need to. If it's working with people sending their kids to public school, then good for them. Really. No sarcasm there. Glad it's working for them. I just have a difficult time thinking it's as simple as that for most families. And again, I find it immensely frustrating to have it pushed on a home education board of all places. 
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Taking kids back out of public school?
