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krystab
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Help! Prayers and advice please....
We have been homeschooling for 7 years now and it is exactly what I want to be doing, but it hasn't been much of a joy for several years now. For the first 3 years my DH worked outside of the home and everything was fine. He has been working from home for the last 4 years and now nothing is ever "good" enough for him.
For example, we never do enough school. He believes we should be doing it all day long except while doing chores, until dinner time. As much as I explain that the kids don't need to do this it doesn't matter to him.
Every day he wants the kids doing extra and more school. He did 5 lessons a day in Math while he was in Catholic high school, so the kids should be doing 5 lessons. He really feels they aren't doing enough to succeed in college. My oldest is 8th grade, so we aren't even to high school yet.
He won't read anything that may tell him why they don't need to be pushed so hard and he obviously doesn't believe me as I have tried to explain it to him on many occasions. He believes in homeschooling because he doesn't want his kids being like schooled kids in attitude and faith. It seems he just can't get past the point that homeschool is not like school at home.
There are other issues as well. He complains about the messy house. We clean everything daily, but a home with 6 kids gets messy again fast. Before we always made sure it was clean when he got home from work. Now we clean before dinner every day and he complains constantly when he is in the house during the day and sees messes.
He is always butting in to our routine and giving the kids something else to do when I already have them on a task. As much as I have asked him to just let me handle it, he can't. He comes in the house from his workshop, sees something that he feels needs attending to and demands it be done.
Nearly every day I get negativity from him about the schooling or the running of the household. I have tried my best to try to do what would please him, but it never seems to be enough.
After a frustrating encounter with him again today in which he was butting in our routine yet again. I had given permission for my oldest to work on a Christmas present this am while she waited for her sibling to finish using the desk they shared. He stopped her and made her start doing school without listening to any of our explanations.
I have prayed about this many times over the last four years and today I came to the conclusion that I just need to send the kids to school. My joy for homeschooling is gone, and it is an unhappy struggle for me to run my household every day. I have tried every method I can to improve the running of the house, thinking maybe this one will make him happy and it never does. I have discussed this with him many, many times and nothing has changed. It continues to be the one thing we can't solve.
Sending the kids to school, stops the us not doing enough school issue and the house being a mess issue. Maybe it is what is best for our family due to the struggle it causes between us all. Oh, how it hurts the kids so when they finish their day of school, only to be told by dad to go do more.
So, anyone have any experience with a similar situation? Or just advice...maybe I am not seeing something else I should try. Right now the thought of sending the kids to school is giving me such a feeling of relief, but maybe it is just a case of the grass is greener. Homeschooling started for us because the kids started bickering...I hate for them to loose their close relationships.
And I am 100% positive this is a result of dad being home all day. He did work outside the home for about 4 months two years ago. During that time, all was wonderful here at home. We had everything done by the time he got home and since he wasn't here to see the messy day and kids not doing school he was just fine.
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Krysta
Mom to 6 little blessings
DD-00', DS-02', DS-04', DS-07', DD-09', DD-12'
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SeaStar
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Krysta- 
What a tough situation. I can feel your frustration. A few thoughts come to mind.
Is your dh an introvert? If so, the liveliness and clutter that comes with a house full of kids might be making him feel drained all the time.
Perhaps he thinks that giving them more schoolwork will keep them busy and then the house would stay cleaner.
Could your dh rent a small workshop space somewhere else so he is still gone most of the day? Then he can do his work in peace, and you could do yours. In our town there are several warehouses that various artists and craftsman rent studios in for their work space.
Do your kids take standardized tests, and if so, would their scores make your dh feel as if they really are getting a fine education?
Is anyone outside your household making him feel pressured about homeschooling? That could make him feel pushed to drive you all so hard.
Does he think he is being helpful without realizing how you feel about his attitude?
Finally, if you went on vacation for a week to visit family, could he do a better job of running the house and school? Could he try this as an experiment to help him see how it really all works?
I will be praying for you...
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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Betsy
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No real advice, except, my dh worked from home for a few years and it was REALLY, REALLY difficult. We always seemed to have this sort of power struggle going on throughout the day of who was in charge.
For almost a year now he has been back working outside the home and that disappeared immediately. There was some benefits to the arrangement as well, but overall it was mostly stressful. We pretty much agreed, that is wasn't a great situation for all of us to be together that much all the time, it just wasn't healthy for us.
Anyways, just letting you know that while our situation is different, we struggled tremendously when dh worked from home.
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krystab
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Betsy,
You hit the nail on the head. Big time power struggle! Good to know that others struggle with this too. I know all I need is for him to work away from the home and all would be fine again. Yes, there is some benefit to him being here, but overall it would be better if he wasn't.
So far he has not been receptive to the fact that it is better when he is not here. Maybe it is my presentation of it to him, but he always gets very upset that he is the problem and that I don't want him here.
I am going to pray & think hard about how I can approach him on him working somewhere else. He has a project in the works that would end him working at home, but I don't know how much longer I can keep up the happy face. The project was supposed to be done almost two years ago!
It is the cost of the outside shop. He gave up his shop when the economy turned south and it would be very hard to find a shop we could afford.....sigh.
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Krysta
Mom to 6 little blessings
DD-00', DS-02', DS-04', DS-07', DD-09', DD-12'
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Erin
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Kyrsta
Sending hugs and a little empathy. When my dh was home part-time for a couple of years I realised we had different approaches. And a close girlfriend has had her husband home for the last few years and it has made a difference in how she has had to approach some things. It certainly creates a different rhythm.
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Erin
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JodieLyn
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on the brainstorming... are there specific times that he comes in? So for instance, if he always comes in for a break at 10am, could you do a mini pick up at 9:45? Just plan it into your day.
And maybe a schedule that you can share with him online (cozi, google calenders) or have posted somewhere, so that when he walks in, he knows what to expect is going on.
also, usually approaching someone who works from a business perspective.. when the boss would walk through the office, would it be productive if he randomly changed what a worker was doing?
And if you know that doing something other than school during school hours annoys him, then don't do it. I understand why you'd give permission to do so, but in this instance it's just counter productive.
You might go and talk to the school and at least come home with a school schedule on how things are run, including breaks and start and end times. Then at least you can point out that if they were in school then they'd have a break or be out of school already etc. Which you'd have to still deal with if you did send them to school.
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krystab
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Melinda,
Thank you for your very thoughtful suggestions. Him being an introvert is not the problem. He is the extrovert and I am the introvert. He is clutter city and his clutter drives me mad. My job is harder because he doesn't want to get rid of anything. It is more that the kids have projects or toys out playing and they haven't picked them up and went onto something else. The older kids are pretty good at pick up, but I have a couple toddlers that like to make messes, and one 11 year old that never picks up after himself!
If we could afford a shop that would work, but convincing him that we can do that will be hard. That is really the best solution but it may not be possible.
The testing thing may help. Will ask him. One of my kids would not be on grade level, That is because he had vision issues that caused him to get behind, not the fault of him homeschooling.
No on the outside pressure about homeschooling.
He knows I don't want his help during the day....trust me he knows!
I wish I could leave for a week! If I go for a day or two my oldest just steps and does my job....so not sure if that would just happen if I left for longer. And if I am gone with her, then nothing gets done. It is like he can totally ignore what is going on at home if I am gone. If I left for a week with my oldest DD....hmmm.
I will keep praying for the patience to ride this out until he has a shop.....
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Krysta
Mom to 6 little blessings
DD-00', DS-02', DS-04', DS-07', DD-09', DD-12'
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krystab
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Some good ideas Jodi. DH is very unscheduled and is in and out all day. We don't have set school hours, we start in the morning after breakfast and when you are done with a day of school (or a little more if you have some catch up) then you are free until chore time. Honestly I am not that scheduled that I could post something for him to see and stick with it. But maybe he would like that and I can certainly do it if would help him.
Good point about the manager changing jobs!
My DD that was working on the project wasn't during her school time. We had worked out that another child would use a desk first and when he was done, then she would start school. It just made sense with our desk situation and the way the kids work. My DH just assumed she should be doing school and wasn't listening to her that she wasn't supposed to be doing school yet.
Maybe we can come to an agreement on how much school they have to do to call it a day. We get school done, they are on track to finish the year on time. He just feels they should be doing more......I don't know what I could give the younger ones to do that would fill up a whole "school" day worth of time.
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Krysta
Mom to 6 little blessings
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JodieLyn
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Look into Montessori type of stuff maybe? it's not bookwork but it could be scheduled.
And I know I don't work well on a strict schedule but if you're ready to give up and put them in school, it sounds like it might be worth a try so that your dh knows what to expect. Which is obviously not happening if he's assuming that someone should be doing something other than what they are doing.
It's not that your method is wrong but if your dh isn't happy with it, then it seems that changing to a more structured schedule that you can communicate to your dh may be a more intermediary step before putting the kids into school.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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krystab
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Jodie, I had just stumbled on Montessori this week and fell in love with what I have seen so far! I had never really looked into it because I had heard it was expensive. But then I came across a family who claimed their house was usually neat because they used Montessori organization with their little ones. And so I started looking into it. I really felt that the method would be wonderful to use and was just starting to deal with the toys in a Montessori fashion. I think heading that direction may help a lot.
Will for sure talk schedule with DH also and see if that will help....
Thanks so much!
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Krysta
Mom to 6 little blessings
DD-00', DS-02', DS-04', DS-07', DD-09', DD-12'
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guitarnan
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Montessori organization would certainly help...the whole idea is working with one item/set of items at a time. Children as young as 3 or 4 can learn to do this, with gentle, positive guidance. You won't have instant results, but over time you will see good things happening.
This is one process you can bring to your conversation with your husband...He might not be familiar with Montessori, but he will probably like the idea of putting school items away before starting the next task. (Who wouldn't?)
Praying for you as you and your husband work together to find the best way forward.
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CrunchyMom
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How tough! That sounds so very hard.
Perhaps finding a new vocabulary to bring it to him would help. Betsy's use of the word power-struggle comes to mind. As in Jodie's analogy, what if instead you said that you saw your roles as superintendent and teacher. A super intendent would not walk into a classroom and tell a student what to do. If he thought there was a problem, he would approach the teacher.
Another idea for incorporating "more" school into the day might be focusing on extras. Maybe your oldest could help you as a parr of her own lessons. Do you already do read alouds daily? Nature walks? Art Journaling? Art lessons? Handicrafts? Liturgical and Seasonal Coloring pages? Poetry recitation? Some of this could be something you do in chunks, like a big school project. What if you read a play out together? Maybe subscribe to recieive things like The Magic Schoolbus science kits or Little Passports?
In that vein, maybe you can arrange for YOU to be away more during the day. I wouldn't like it, but I would find more activities to take us out of the house before feeling I had to send them out of the house. You could go for a "nature walk" and have a shorter formal lesson but allow the children to have that needed free play without messing the house or interference from Dad. Not a good time of year for that, I know.
Do local museums have homeschool programs? The local Y?
I would be overwhelmed at the prospect of intentionally overplanning the day, but it sounds like you are aleady overwhelmed, and I would rather my day be filled with these things than the way that time is filled in schools or my time away daily spent sitting in the carpool lane with toddlers.
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SeaStar
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Krsyta-
That might be the heart of the problem right there... if your dh is an extrovert, then it is probably very hard for him to be out there by himself in his workshop. He might keep ambling inside because he wants/needs some human interaction.
I am an introvert, and my ds is an extreme extrovert who needs mega-attention. It can be exhausting at times. Ds is also not one to mind clutter, which can drive me mad at times  . He tends to hang over my shoulder, ask about everything I am doing, make lots of helpful suggestions... I can only imagine him all grown up and following his wife around the house. 
Outside work space does cost a lot, and I would hate to spend the money if my dh had a work space already at home. I like Jodie's idea of scheduling break time.
Alternatively, maybe you could send kids outside to him on a rotating basis. Could a few of the older ones quietly do math or read out in his shop? Then if they needed help, dad would be right there, plus he would have some company (for his extrovert self) and see that they really are working.
You could also schedule a dad class- is he a woodworker? He could have a shop class for his kids. Or whatever... he can teach them something!
I hope things get better for you. Living with my own extrovert, I truly feel your pain
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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guitarnan
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Melinda has a very good point. Extroverts generally don't like being alone. Working alone can be excruciating for them. (My husband currently has to spend a great deal of time alone because of his job, and it is torture for him.) He might very well be coming in to recharge (perhaps already feeling drained from his alone time).
I like Lindsay's idea of doing some things outside your school area; not only are they great suggestions on their own, but they will also help your family given your current work/school dynamic.
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pumpkinmom
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I'm lacking time to read everyone's responses. Just some thoughts that came to my mind. I suggest time alone with your dh to discuss both of your duties in the family. It looks like both of your jobs aren't defined. Are you running the house or is he? It seems like you both are trying to do it.
The other day I had to tell my dh that it is my job in our family to organize and direct (and he agreed right there and said that was my job) so I just need him to do the job I gave him and let the kids to what I told them to do, Of course I said this in a loving way.  He was trying to do something different than we normally do it and it wasn't working for me and the kids were confused.
I'm pretty sure most husbands don't want to run the house and when pushed they will back down and give you the freedom needed to get that job done.
Don't forget to see what he needs during the day to be able to work from home. There may need to be major changes to the kids and your routine that would benefit both you and your dh.
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Cassie
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krystab
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Thanks everyone for all the responses. Lots of wonderful suggestions that may help. I don't have the time to personally answer everybody right now.
Agree part of the problem may be his need for social interaction.
Cassie, you are right that we are both trying to do the same job. I have asked many, many, many times for him to let me do my job to no avail. Unlike your DH which understands the confusion and upset it causes, my DH is adamant that he will direct the kids to do what he sees they need to do. I have also asked many times to make a list of each of our duties and he is not responsive to that either. Maybe I should just make a list and then ask him to review it with me.....
I am more hopeful that we can work out something after all of your help. It was great getting input from such wonderful people! I am sure to refer to this post often while we try to work this out....
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Krysta
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DD-00', DS-02', DS-04', DS-07', DD-09', DD-12'
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LLMom
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I just wanted to say that if you do decide to put them in school, you are not a failure and it may relieve the you are feeling. HOmeschooling is hard without support from our spouse and cooperation of the children. It is not a popular opinion in the homeschool world, but school does help some children and families. I found that out when I put some of my children in school because of problems with my relationship with them. They just respond better to an outside authority. If you put them in school, your dh may see most schools aren't doing that amount of work, and remember nothing is permanent. I have a new blog (see signature) for burned out veteran hs moms, moms considering school, and former hs moms. It is to share and offer encouragement.
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Lisa
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cathhomeschool
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Krysta, I have no advice but wanted to say that I read your post some days ago and have been praying that the Holy Spirit guide you all and bring unity and peace to your family!
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Angie Mc
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krystab wrote:
| DH is adamant that he will direct the kids to do what he sees they need to do. |
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Krysta, it sounds like both of you are adamant. That might be the biggest challenge right there.
If you are both adamant (ie: intense) types, you might want to be adamant in complimentary ways so that you can build each other up. For example, if you are both adamant about your children receiving a good education but can't agree on the details, then just let him decide and go with his decision. This may clear the road for, another example, you becoming adamant about volunteer work outside the home while your husband is adamant about earning income while stationed at home. Volunteer and pay work compliment each other.
My husband and I are both intense types. While I may look more demanding, or whatever, because I'm the extrovert, he is just as (perhaps more!) demanding, but his style looks more laid back on the surface. So don't let style differences confuse the issue of intensity. When both are intense, someone needs to back off. Both of us have become much more adept at backing off of lesser things to show others love...and honestly, to gain bigger things, like happy relationships.
I'm rooting for you!
Love,
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Angie Mc
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CSBasile
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I want to second what Lisa said above. I homeschooled my daughter for three years but last spring I felt like God was calling me to look at other options. She has some learning disabilities and ADHD but the real problem is that she spent most of her energy and time arguing with me and school would take double the time it should have. I put her in public school this year and it was the best thing I could have done for our relationship. We get along better and I don't feel like a failure. I feel like I can again be her mom. I sometimes miss homeschooling--there were so many things I wanted to delve into with her -- but she would not have been receptive anyway. She is also doing much better with her schoolwork and taking it more seriously.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Considering putting kids in school
