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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Dec 07 2013 at 1:31pm | IP Logged
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you don't have kids yet! a blog post by Matt Walsh which tackles both the heartbreak of infertility AND challenging perceptions large families encounter. Warning, Matt is blunt. But members here have tackled these sufferings and we've discussed both for years. Glad to see others care  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: Dec 07 2013 at 1:46pm | IP Logged
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Yeah, that was good, Angie!
This was my favorite part:
Quote:
| I think we all know that children are conceived through s-xual intercourse. S-xual intercourse is generally viewed — albeit decreasingly so — as a private matter between two adults. A child is conceived when a man’s sp-rm f-rtilizes a woman’s egg. I’m reviewing these facts in an attempt to explain why another person’s reproduction is very much a matter that has nothing to do with you. When you ask someone, “when are you going to have kids?” you are really asking them, “when are you and your husband going to have se-ual inte-course so that his sp-rm fe-tilizes your egg?” And when you shout, “why haven’t you had kids yet?” you are really shouting, “why hasn’t his sp-rm united with your egg yet?” |
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It's so TRUE! That's REALLY what all those questions really mean and why we cringe so!
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Suzanne in ID
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CrunchyMom
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Great article. What he doesn't tackle is the also cringeworthy action of those people explaining their own private choice openly to you. While it is annoying to be probed about your own choices, it is also awkward when people feel free to share theirs, sometimes explicitly. Why is it my business that your husband had a V--y??? 
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Lindsay
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Kathryn
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Ok, I'm going to be a little bit of a dissenter but asking people "when are you going to have kids" now means the inquiring person has entered their bedroom and involved themselves in the marital act itself that produces said kids? Isn't that a bit of a stretch? Now from the commentary of his conversation, woman A didn't pick up on the hints from woman B. Maybe woman A thought they were closer friends and would have assumed if woman B had issues she would have been open about them. Obviously she assumed wrong but I don't see how the question in and of itself should be so personally offensive or reach to the assumption that she is somehow attempting to be a 3rd party to their marital relations.
Personally I see it as the same thinking that pro-choice people use to boost their case...my act, my bedroom, my body, not your business.
It just seems that if one is to take such a typically innocent question as such a personal offense, we need to realize that others do as well when they are attempting to justify their actions and we tell them they are wrong.
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Kathryn in TX
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monica4patience
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As an infertile couple, we'd been asked those questions for 11 years! Then we got the "are they brother and sister"; "do you know anything about his birth parents" questions.And then, after #3 arrived when I was 45: "Are you done yet?"; "Will you adopt again?"
There are all kinds of insensitive people out there. People who do not notice you cringing at their questions. Who don't hear that you're politely rejecting their question.
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Bethany
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I think the whole conversation would have been different if Woman A had ended it with, "I'm so sorry, that must be so difficult." Why would you not respond in that way? 
As a mom of 5 daughters who just found out she's pregnant again I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the onslaught of dumb remarks. I had come to terms with not having another baby since I hadn't gotten pregnant yet, only to be completely shocked now. To say I'm stressed would be an understatement . To then have to deal with all the "just had to keep trying for that boy" comments  . I've even got that comment at Mass during my last pregnancy!
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Bethany
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Barb.b
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Anyone ever see the movie Madagascar? In it the penguins have a funny line, "Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave"
Barb
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CrunchyMom
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Bethany wrote:
| To then have to deal with all the "just had to keep trying for that boy" comments . I've even got that comment at Mass during my last pregnancy! |
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It is extraordinary isn't it? I had a woman come over after daily mass, lay her hands ON my belly, close her eyes, and say in front of my two sons, "Lets just PRAY this one is a girl."  What would she think to see my five boys!?
It really does feel like an invasion to have someone ask, as they have upon realizing I have five, whether I plan to have more or wish to "try for a girl" or whatever.
I think perhaps these probing questions are made more awkward by not knowing the answer. It is an affront to modern sensibilities to not have planned this or the future.
It is also such a modern thing to speak openly of such things in polite society, and speaking in personal terms about one's choices is still different from speaking in the abstract.
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Lindsay
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Betsy
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I think that this is a topic that we really need to reflect on and pray about. We must treat each other with love and charity and never guess what is going on in ones heart---which is really the crux of this issue.
We all have stories, myself included. We need to realized how out words might hurt and support people rather than tear them down.
I deal with comments from both sides. From my worldly acquaintance on the baseball field that just can't imagine having more than 2 kids---and make really hurtful comments to the very holy Catholic women that sum up my age, fertility, child spacing to determine if I am a good Catholic or not AND tell me about their findings. Both are horrible and both just as wrong as the other.
I have also had friends that can't understand that I deal with chronic pain, serious chronic pain and joke about when I am going to have another child. I was confiding in a friend about one of my doctor visits that the doctor got real serious and told me that I probably shouldn't have any more kids because he was afraid that I might end up paralyzed ( I was only 35 at the time). She bluntly told me that I was WRONG to listen to him and it was wrong for me to not have more kids. 
Again, we need to find more love and compassion to our fellow women. We don't know peoples hearts. We need to assume the best and know that God has a plan for each of us. He desires some women to be barren, some to adopt, some to have between 1-20 children! A woman who has 1 child could be holier and following God's Will better versus a mother with 15 kids. We just can't know what they hold in their hearts.
I know that I am preaching to the choir here. This is such a hot button topic for me!!! Again, we need to really focus on God's Will and try to deal with each other like he compassionately deals with us!
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Erica Sanchez
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Beautifully said, Betsy.
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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mommy4ever
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I get many comments, too And I have come to a decision, and have canned responses.
Most of the time, I smile and say, "Every family is different, and we work with what we've been blessed with." Most times, people just smile and have no retort.
We have friends with 6, and she gets lots of comments, what gets me is comments behind their backs. I will respond, "Isn't it wonderful!! 6 healthy and beautiful blessings, God willing, we'll have more too." again not much response.
I do find responding in a positive way, really stops the conversation. I only have 4, I'd love more, but it's what I've been given at this time, and I'm happy with that. Maybe there'll be another when I'm least expecting it, and I'll be so thankful. It is what it is. To quite a favorite 4 yo. "You get what you get, and you don't get upset!" 
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hmbress
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I agree with everything said here! Except, that I don't think God desires anyone to be barren. I think infertility, like all forms of physical illness or disfunction, is a result of the Fall. He permits it to be, but does not directly will it. But maybe, Betsy, you were meaning to say that it could be God's will for an infertile couple to remain childless for some reason?
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guitarnan
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My best friend has not been able to have a family of her own, and adoption has not worked for her, either. She tends to see her situation very negatively (God thinks she would not be a good mother, which is not right, IMHO...she would be a wonderful parent!). Heather, I think you have it just right. God permits things to happen. He knows His plans and we do not.
I so wish I could convey this to my friend. I struggle to find the right and compassionate words. The cross of infertility is so very, very difficult to carry.
Thank you for sharing your perspective; you have helped me a great deal.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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