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sunny
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Do you ever feel selfish for homeschooling? Most of the time I celebrate the fact that we homeschool and most of time I am convinced of the benefits. We don’t have a lot of friends where we live, we have very little family around us, and my dh works 7 days, very long hours. So I sometimes I get a pestering feeling that in our case, maybe I am being selfish with their lives. I cant decide if this is a genuine concern, a form of self-pity, or what. I would love to know if anyone else has had this thought?
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Aagot
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Just a thought that crossed my mind. God made the family unit first. He did not drop Adam and Eve into a large community. If you are happy with your family dynamics, then I would not feel bad at all. If you think they need friends, why not start or join a club?
On they other hand I think one tactic for tearing families apart is to have everyone going a hundred different directions. So if you could have some kind of activity where everyone in your family is included, that would be ideal.
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JodieLyn
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I think this goes along with the myth of homeschoolers not getting "socialization". That somehow you're doing your kids and everyone else a disservice by raising your kids in the family and keeping them family-centric. It's just that "everyone else" sees all the other kids going to school and being friend-centric and the majority must be right. That kids have some need to be able to get along in a kid only, single age group environment.. sure there's supervision but it's barely adequate (ask any kid that's being bullied) it can usually prevent physical abuse but not mental abuse of kids by kids. And the kids model off of each others' behavior rather than off the adult behavior around them. Which it totally contrary to the tradiational sense of "socialization" which is for kids to learn how to act in society.. one peopled mainly with adults.. not with single age groups of kids.
Now if you're feeling isolated. Sure, find an activity that you can do. We've found swim team to be a bit expensive but while they split the kids by ability for practise, the swim meets include all ages and so it's great for a large family. Or maybe something like 4-H? We're looking at getting into the 4-H shooting sports that they've just started up in our area. Again it's one that all the kids old enough to be in 4-H (I think it's 4th grade) will be able to participate in.
But it could be something through your church.
Or if it's more that you're feeling like you dh is spending all his time at work so that you can stay home. Well maybe you need to talk with him and brainstorm some ways that might allow you to do something so that he can work fewer hours.. a job you could do just one day a week and he could take that day off to be with the kids.. or maybe babysitting.. maybe after school care so that you can get your homeschooling done before.. and maybe that would be enough to let him reduce his hours.
Generally though, homeschooling requires more of you, not less, so it's not usually selfish to homeschool though it can feel that way because of your strong (God-given) desire to have your kids stay with you.
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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jawgee
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Selfish in what way? Because your DH has to work so hard to support your family? Because your children are not with other kids as often as PS kids?
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TryingMyBest
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This will sound a bit controversial (and I do not mean to offend here) but I do think there is an element of selfishness to homeschooling. IMHO, there is an individualism in homeschooling that is troubling. With homeschooling, we are trying to save our own kids (perfectly natural parental reaction to a bad situation) and leaving the rest on the boat that is sinking. Every time a good family pulls their kids out of the public or Catholic schools, it makes it harder to save those schools. Sometimes I think that all of the energy and money that is poured into homeschooling could be put to very good use by building schools that could serve children outside of the homeschooling community. Although I'm not sure that is possible given the current climate. See this article from Crisis Magazine In Praise of Noisy Villages
With that said, desperate times call for desperate measures.
This probably isn't where you were going with your question though.
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sunny
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I am not entirely sure where I was going with my question, but all of you have certainly caused me to define my musings. :)
I recently read and even quoted (maybe from a CHC newsletter?) that the greatest threat to homeschooling is doubting our abilities. I understand that, but I don’t think that is my problem. Although it may be what has precipitated my question.
1) is there a part of me and/or my life that I am ignoring in order to "serve" this need of my children. I wonder if I am I validating my own existence/ importance through their lives.
Relating this more specifically to my situation:
1)am I avoiding getting a job and contributing financially to the stability of our family and therefore their future. If they were in school, I would have time to contribute to my husband's business and/ or work to assist in generating income.
2) Also, we have made contacts through church and homeschool groups but it isn't easy. My dc spend most of their time with only me. It isnt the same as in a large family. In school, we would have "instant" involvement/ community.
Believe me, I am not trying to talk myself into putting them into school. I feel very blessed that we have been able to do this!! But I get tinges of guilt and feelings of selfishness that darken my mind sometimes.
Reading the the article sighted above from Crisis magazine, I am not sure I agree or disagree with the premise that education is communal. I need to consider this question more. For now, I just want to ask why? Why is/ should education be communal? But I will save that for later. Right now I want to ask if the following, once again, brings into question motivation?
"To be a teacher is a noble vocation. For some it may be that being a homeschooling mother is requiring a heroic effort. One might fairly ask if this is obscuring a true vocational calling. Here too, making homeschool a social activity is as important for the mother as for the children."
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TryingMyBest
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sunny wrote:
1) is there a part of me and/or my life that I am ignoring in order to "serve" this need of my children. I wonder if I am I validating my own existence/ importance through their lives.
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I'm going to continue being controversial here...I think there is something in modern over-parenting that is about validating our choices to stay home with our children. By over-parenting, I mean all of the natural parenting choices that many of us make, e.g. cloth diapering (I CDed). Why are we deliberately choosing something that makes mothering more difficult? I did it and think that's a simplistic criticism but I think there is something there.
Our grandmothers stayed home because that was what you did. We choose to stay home with our kids and this makes us feel a need to justify it and part of how we justify it is by choosing things that are more time consuming. And are we choosing it because it is better or is our motivation more complicated? I suspect the latter.
I've just quit my job and while I think that this is in my daughter's best interest, I don't think 100% of my motivation was about her. I sometimes think that I'm making choices for her because it's the kind of mother I want to be, not because it's the best choice for her. Does that make sense?
But overall, I have a major issue with the idea that a mother must always be self-sacrificing. So a bit selfishness is not inherently bad. We live in a weird culture. On one hand, it is somewhat child-hating in that we try to avoid having them. But on the other hand, we're very child centered. We have the idea that a family is supposed to be all about the children. But the heart of a family is a husband and wife, joined through the Sacrament of Matrimony. Children are the result of that union but they're not the center of the family. I'm rambling here so this might not make much sense.
Jennifer
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JodieLyn
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Be careful that you're not dealing with fallacies. For instance, In school you can also have "instant" ostracization. Just because you're in a generic group of people doesn't mean acceptance. And being alone is highly preferable to being in a crowd of others who may ignore you or may decide you're a good target.
And as far as your finances, that really is something you need to talk over with your dh. He'll help you figure it out. It may be that he wants homeschooling for the kids just as much. That the little time he gets, he's able to spend with them because there's no school schedule that would conflict. And you may not have as much time as you think you would if the kids are in school either. Things need to be done at home.. and it's hard to do everything you can do when you're at home, even with homeschooling, when you're working which means more expenditures.
As far as that article.. I'll just say this.. God made me a Mother, therefore my calling is to be a mother, no matter what else might seem more important to "the world", and part of being a mother (parent) is the PRIMARY place in the education of our children. I can choose to have others do the actual teaching but it is my God-given, no doubt whatsoever, responsibility and vocation to ensure the eduation of my children.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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pumpkinmom
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I think the evil in the world tells us this and we need to overcome it. I could go into great detail on my thoughts on this subject but I don't have the time this morning and I worry I don't have the right words either. It's more of a in-person conversation. Just pray hard about this and stay away from media, people, events that cause you to feel selfish because they are completely wrong!
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myheaven1967
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I too homeschool and my husband works many, many hours to support me staying home and us taking care of our boys 24/7. I understand the comment about trying to fix the schools, but yes, I am selfish, and I do not want my children mixed with others. You would have to fix more than the school system to make me want to send my kids there. You would also have to fix parenting styles of other parents as well. I simply do not like other people's children that much.
I don't mean it in a rude way. I am just being honest.
when I went to public school, yes, I had some friends, but the friends are not what stick out for me. Now that I am ... in my 40's...... there is one person I speak to from school. One.
My memories are more about what a miserable time I had. How the teacher could not control the little boy that punched me in the stomach annually. How I was nailed in the head by an ice ball because some boy thought it was funny. How I sat, in the nurses office, and enduring some lovely, RUDE, nasty kid, using peanut butter to get the gum out of my hair that he put in there. Sorry.
Society does not deserve my children. I don't want them mixed in with all that. Nor do I want them pampered if they are having a problem, I want them to be proud of themselves when they work through it, maybe with my help - sure, or maybe on their own.
Yes, I raise four young boys that range in ages 10 to 3, that are with me, and only me, 75% of the time.
Yes, they have Cub Scouts, and some friends outside. But not all that many.
I don't want to share the joy of watching them learn to read, or FINALLY master the times table with some stranger. I don't want "The Village" raising my kids. God did not give the village my children, he gave them to my husband and I. That I feel is my responsibility to raise them in a way that they will be proud of when they grow up.
Society makes it a race to grow up. I am pulling in the other direction, allowing them time to grow up. Time to enjoy being a kid. Not hurry up, let's get this done so my life can move on.
So - is homeschooling being selfish? Maybe. Would I change it? Absolutely NO.
Be proud of your job. It is the job He gave you.
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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SallyT
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Some years ago, an acquaintance of ours accused us of "making idols" of our kids at the expense of the larger culture, because we didn't send them -- not only to school, not only to public school, but to some of the worst schools in the city, on purpose, as he and his wife did, as part of their family apostolate.
This was my response to that charge. It was a long time ago, but it's a position that I still 100% believe.
And I don't think there's anything wrong with doing something because a) it fits an overall philosophy of parenting (not that our grandparents really spent a lot of time sweating "parenting philosophies," but still); or b) because it something that makes *us* happier. I happen to like having my kids around a lot. That doesn't mean I'm paying tons of attention to them all the time -- I'm a writer, and I guard my writing time, which means guarding it *from them* sometimes. But then, I also think that it's good for kids to amuse themselves in big blocks of free time, so in one way my own work gets me out of their hair, just as much as their amusements get them out of mine. Their being home works for all of us that way -- we do work out both our needs and our boundaries *as a family,* rather than having them established by external demands.
And yes, I'm home primarily because I want to be. I enjoy homeschooling, I enjoy being with my kids, and while in some ways of course I do sacrifice my time, energy, and everything else on their behalf, having them home is also a convenient cover for my doing what I really want and need to do in the way of work. Not that I need a "cover," exactly, but writers can look an awful lot like they don't do anything all day long, even to themselves! Again, to me this all seems like mutually a good deal. And I think that's okay, if not actually preferable.
Sally
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Erin
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Sunny
I'm very aware that I get the better end of the deal and my husband has to put in the long, hard hours outside the home. Not to say I don't have long, hard hours but mine are far more rewarding  and too I have alot more autonomy, I decide when to take a break, when to do x,y and z etc (well as much as you can with children  ) or if too etc.
So sometimes I feel selfish in that respect, and I discuss it with dh and he is so grateful for what I do for our children, and I'm so grateful for what he does, so all good 
Selfish with their lives? No way, sure, what I do gives me satisfaction (most days ) but I'm not doing it primarily for me, I'm following this journey for God and hanging on for all I'm worth. And truly I believe that my children are getting the very best I can give them, perhaps if we lived somewhere else with other options... but we don't, in this town I'm their best option. And having graduated two so far (and 6 more to go) it is very sweet to hear their gratitude, they are happy.
It's not my job to save schools, other children etc. When I get to heaven I'll be answerable for my kids and mine alone. Having said that don't think I don't pray and fight for our education system, and on a personal note I'm well aware that my future d-i-ls and s-i-ls could well be in the school system, so I up my prayers (and worries) all the more.
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myheaven1967
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After a small discussion with my hubby about this thread, he made a very good point, our taxes, whether we have children or not, whether we use the school or not, include school taxes. So, even though we are homeschooling, we are still paying for others to attend that school.
The other side of devil's advocate....
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: selfish for homeschooling
