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NicKatMommy
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| Posted: May 08 2013 at 8:23pm | IP Logged
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My 8-year-old ds has made a new buddy on his sports team. From what we have seen of the family over the past month (grandparents, siblings, parents, and uncle have all been at the games/practice), they seem like a very loving and respectable family. My son invited his new friend over to our home impromptu after the last game and after a quick chat with the parents and learning they lived near by, the son came home with us and the boys had a delightful afternoon (fyi there are no friends in our neighborhood so it was a rare playdate). The mother picked him up and she and her son were delightful.
The family has reciprocated a playdate (the boy's family is just as happy to find a nearby playmate as his siblings are much older and don't play with him much). Now comes my neurosis ...
We have only ever had as playmates, fellow homeschoolers and/or faithful Catholics, or cousins. We have never dropped our ds off at someone's home for a playdate (I have almost always stayed). This family may have Catholic background (Catholic grandparents and maybe baptized) but do not seem to be practicing or may be Anglican. I am a nervous wreck over everything learned in the Virtus training.
Is 8 y.o. old enough to be left in a situation such as this? The family trusted us enough to leave their son at our home. Am I being irrational for not being able to do the same?
I'm out of my element here, please advise! Thanks!
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Erin
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| Posted: May 08 2013 at 10:01pm | IP Logged
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They do sound like a lovely family. What do your instincts say?
A suggestion, if your uncomfortable at this stage, why don't you invite yourself along too, get to know the family better. You could say, "You don't want to miss out on the fun, you'd love to make a new friend yourself" 
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Erin
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Kathryn
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| Posted: May 08 2013 at 10:16pm | IP Logged
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I like Erin's reply about trusting your instincts...which seem to say this is OK. It doesn't sound like they'll be having voo doo chants in the living room even if they aren't Catholic.  I sooo get it. I am the SAME way! What I tend to do b/c I can be sooo chatty is when I drop my child off somewhere (again, happens very, very rarely unless there's complete familiarity) but I tend to just talk and talk and talk. The kids go off and somehow I naturally just talk. I don't even think it's a nervous talking so much as at this one family's house she had a ton of quilts around and we got to talking about her hobby. Some would say maybe I'm too nosy and ask too many questions but really I was being curious and it's also a way to get a "feel". Although Erin's approach to simply invite yourself along might be simpler. 
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JennGM
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| Posted: May 09 2013 at 7:24am | IP Logged
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I follow my mother's example here. My husband and I established policies before anything came up, so that we could have a pat answer and know how to address these situations.
We don't do sleepovers. Period.
For visiting, we would not allow our child to go over to the house until we have been there before, and know the family well.
The child is welcome to come to my house so I can supervise, but I'm not ready to turn over without having done a reconnaissance mission or two.
I had a dear friend in 6th grade and I was allowed over to her house to do a science fair project. She was so sweet and innocent, but her father was a photographer, and there was language and images that made me so uncomfortable. That is my motivation for making these rules for our family.
From the outside they can be wonderful, but home life is very different for people, not knowing viewing and playing habits, modesty, manners, etc. We have a strict video game and TV policy, so it helps for me to be the enforcer on the first visits to establish the rules when he visits friends.
It looks like I'm a tough mama, written it looks so harsh.
I'm sure the visit will be fine, I'm just super cautious.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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pumpkinmom
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| Posted: May 09 2013 at 8:34am | IP Logged
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I don't think asking to stay at the play date is unreasonable. That is what I would do at the age when I don't know the family enough.
I've noticed public school friends will let there kids go to a drop off play date a lot sooner than us homeschoolers.
My oldest has a couple of friends that the parents morals and beliefs are not even close to ours. I limit these visits and encourage them to come to our house. If I notice ds's beliefs changing then he isn't allowed to visit anymore. Typically our kids will follow in how they have been trained at home and won't want to visit anymore if the standards are too different.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 09 2013 at 10:10am | IP Logged
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Well, I think a lot also depends on the child. How aware they are of what's going on around them. How much of a follower are they. How much they buck against our house rules on things like video.
Example, one of mine when she knew she had the right information would stand her ground even against an adult (the adult is the one who told me, because the adult found out that my child was right and called to tell me she was impressed that my child did stand her ground). This is also the child I could trust to call and ask about a movie that was rated above G.
Realize that most people aren't actively anti-Catholic, they're more likely to simply be religiously apathetic.
AND yeah, I'd hang around and chat. And once the kids ran off, ask if they minded if I stayed this time, that your child hasn't been places alone often and you wanted to be sure he was going to be comfortable.
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SeaStar
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| Posted: May 09 2013 at 12:02pm | IP Logged
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I like Jodie's line about staying to make sure your ds is comfortable  .
Sad to say that you can't be too careful these days. I've even been asked by another mom if we had guns in our house! I was not offended (we don't), but what a great question. You can't be sure how another family lives or what they allow.
I also have a strict rule about no tv/video games/electronics during play dates. When my ds was around 6 he went on a play date with a family from our HS group. I know the family well and never anticipated this problem:
the other mom put on a video for the kids- I think it was a LOR dvd- that started with a woman howling in agony during labor.
When I went to pick up ds, the mom told me that the video had frightened ds and he ran out of the room. Ds was so shaken up by this that he still refuses to talk about it to this day! 
I never would have thought this could happen. Now I believe anything can happen and you can't be too careful. We also have a strict no sleepover policy.
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Erica Sanchez
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| Posted: May 09 2013 at 12:23pm | IP Logged
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What Jenn said. That is our policy, too. And, I am fairly particular about the families we know well even. It does sound harsh. :)
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NicKatMommy
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| Posted: May 09 2013 at 4:19pm | IP Logged
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Thanks so much, everyone, that is certainly a lot of food for thought!
My ds will not go on this playdate tomorrow after all as I have to take my dd somewhere at the same time and my husband can't get home in time to take him as we were thinking he could, so that buys us a week. We will reschedule for next week, and as my dd has also been invited over to play with their younger daughter, I now have a perfect excuse for saying that I should stay as she is not old enough to be left alone for a playdate, especially since they have a swimming pool and she cannot swim.
I have to admit it's easier to say I have to stay for my dd's sake then my ds's because as they are not homeschoolers (they attend a posh private school) they may think of me as "weird" for wanting to stay with my ds who is 8, but I realize I have to get over caring if I'm thought of as weird when it comes to the safety of my children.
Just a couple of other points ... I did not feel like I could rely on my instinct in this case (which tells me they are probably trustworthy) because I feel that both my dh and I are "charmed" by this family's British ways (they moved here 2 years ago, and doesn't the accent alone make one sound so refined) and so not being sober about our judgment if that makes sense. And also, I don't feel like I can rely on my instinct anymore based on what I've learned from the Virtus training. For example, there is an older brother and where before Virtus training I would not have thought twice about that, now I see a whole host of issues to be concerned with by that.
The gun question is great - we'll add that to the things to consider if ever we leave our children with others. I did look up the state predators list to check our area/zip code as I had not done that in almost 3 years.
Thanks again!
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Marcia
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| Posted: May 09 2013 at 4:53pm | IP Logged
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loved hearing all these comments!
Thanks for sharing. I like to be conservative too!
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Marcia
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 09 2013 at 5:10pm | IP Logged
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One more point. You're more aware of what *might* happen but kids are really actually statistically SAFER now than they were say in the 1970's and 1980's. So you might also keep that in mind. We're so much more connected into a larger "community" that things that seem to happen "so much" now, even 25 yrs ago, we might not have heard about those things at all because there was so much less knowledge of things happening further from our physical community.
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Pilgrim
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| Posted: May 11 2013 at 3:42pm | IP Logged
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What Jenn said. We are very careful with our children, also, they are a gift from God to us, He places them in our care, and it is not wrong to guard them, especially while they are young. Until one goes to a home of a family, one cannot truly know how they live and what your child will be exposed to. People who seem so "nice", "friendly", "caring", etc. can have quite immoral influences in their homes. We have come to realize that the above words in quotes do not necessarily equate with a "good' person. When we were first married this was something we had to put into words and develop in our decisions on friends for ourselves and dc. One of us would say "so and so is a nice person" then we'd look deeper at what we knew of them, and realize they were not a "good" person as far as their morals went, and refined our views of how to look at what were good companions. It is of course unrealistic to expect ANY friend/family to live or think *exactly* as you do, but it is important to be careful what influences are a steady diet in childrens', and even adults live.
Glad to hear it turned out well for you, and you had an easy reason to stick around and feel things out.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Is my 8 y.o. ok on playdate w/out me?
