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Anonymous
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| Posted: Feb 06 2013 at 10:38pm | IP Logged
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Does anyone else have parents who want to have control over them and how they raise their children?
I'm having an issue that's been causing me tons of stress for over a year now. This parent wants to tell me how to raise my children, what I should do to punish, and more.
This last time we talked, I was told that if my dd lied to this person again, it was not promised that she wouldn't be 'laced', to hopefully finally cure the issue. So, taking discipline into their own hands.
Problem is, I'm not convinced my dd11 lied all those times she's being accused of. I know one for sure, believe the other was a mistake, and the other was just a wrongly perceived witness case. (But this person is convinced they were lies, and will not be convinced otherwise.)
This is causing so much stress that it takes up every waking moment of every day. Even when I wake up at night to go to the bathroom and make sure my children are covered, it's stressing me out.
This parent is easily angered, and when angered, does not have the pleasantest of vocabulary. This person also only has us for family.
Has anyone else had to make those boundaries very clear to overbearing parents? What did you say to them and how did you go about it?
TIA
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Angie Mc
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I'm praying for you, sister  .
While I don't have overbearing parents, I remember discussing the topic of how to honor our parents in general. I hope others will link to past topics on claiming our right to parent our children as we see fit - our right and responsibility.
I am concerned for you when your description includes anger and "laced" (not sure what that is) and an overall sense of entitlement and/or bullying. I encourage you to talk with someone local who can help you sort out the difference between tension that can be expected between adult children and their parents and more challenging problems (abuse, unhealthy boundaries, etc.)
You are right. Something isn't right. I'm going to pray for you and your intentions as you reach out to find peace .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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guitarnan
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Setting boundaries is hard. Sticking to them is even more difficult.
I have to say, after re-reading your post for the third time, that I would not leave my child alone with any grandparent who threatened corporal punishment. Ever. For any reason. I'd hire a babysitter or bring her with me instead. (Even if this change signified a major life change/childcare expense.)
My instinct is to advise you to take each and every step in this boundary-setting/enforcement process in concert with your spouse. Both of you must be on the same page or the boundaries won't stick. It's hard to admit that your parents (whom you love, of course) have failings that might harm your children, so your first step must be to sit down with your husband and decide together what you will do if:
More threats are made that involve corporal punishment;
False accusations are made;
Inappropriate language is used in front of children;
Unwanted advice on child-rearing is given in front of children.
All your responses might be the same, or they might be different. The key is to make sure you and your husband agree on each response and agree to carry out those responses once they have been explained to the parent in question.
You do need to set the boundaries with this parent before a confrontation occurs. Maybe you can have a talk with him/her, stating, "We've been uncomfortable for a while with the language you use in front of our child when you are upset. We also feel that your threats of physical punishment are upsetting and inappropriate, and we're asking you to stop making those threats." (Then...state consequences. Bad language = you take your child out of the room/house, for example.)
If you live far apart, this might have to happen via telephone. Do try to use the most personal form of contact so the parent can hear your voices and understand your resolve.
Then...the truly hard part...if something goes wrong, you MUST follow through. Pick up and leave. Politely hang up the telephone. Whatever you've agreed to do, and shared with that parent, you have to do it.
This is a Herculean task. I know that when I finally decided to set boundaries (after going through counseling, may I add!), I feared my parents wouldn't love me...but I discovered that they were willing, albeit unhappily, to consider my point of view. Things did get better.
Your child needs to know that you will be there for her. She's just beginning that horribly vulnerable pre-teen journey, and she needs to be able to trust both of her parents to protect her and believe in her. (My daughter is 15, and at least once a week I have to warn her about new dangers...it's scary...but she trusts me because she knows I am on her side and want what is best for her, and I have shown her this by my actions and my words.)
A final thought:
This parent is (in theory) an adult. If he/she chooses to use threats or bad language to achieve his/her ends, and you have asked that he/she refrain from this type of behavior, the consequences are his/hers to bear. Your child is only 11...not fully formed, not able to defend herself on an adult level, reliant upon her parents for everything. Who deserves your love more right now? If this parent will not accept your clearly-stated boundaries (you can write a letter, as a last resort), so be it. He or she can be lonely for a while, while you give your daughter a loving and caring environment. Setting and sticking to boundaries does not prevent you and your husband from helping out if this parent has a crisis (aside from a self-induced one brought on by the setting of boundaries).
I know - oh, how I know! - this is the hardest thing to do...put on the Adult Hat and confront a beloved parent. Prepare for whining, blackmail, threats, etc., from this confrontational person. Don't give in. (This might mean letting calls roll to voice mail for a while...that is okay.)
The good thing about setting boundaries is that, after the ranting and whining subside, they generally work.
I am praying for you, with much empathy.
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Aagot
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Your daughter only has you for parents. I don't know what lacing is but I bet it isn't good. If I was in this situation, that parent would be looking for a new support system. Why should you be living under that strain and stress when your DD needs you whole and healthy?
I agree with Nancy and Angie.
My prayers as you work through this.
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JodieLyn
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So I went and looked it up..
Lacing - 3. Informal A beating or thrashing.
I'm afraid my temper would probably get the best of me and I'd threaten in my turn about turning them into the police if they laid one hand on my daughter.
Nancy has much more useful information and what I would hope to do "in my right mind".
The more minor issues I've faced I do respond with what *I* will do if something is done. Not trying to make them do anything. I remember for example a particular type of toy that I said I didn't like and got asked well what would you do if we bought it. And I very calmly replied that I would give it away. I never was challenged on that again. I mean no it wouldn't be fun to get rid of something a child was given but it certainly can be done as long as I'm not afraid to be the bad guy.
So just like Nancy said. You're not so much prohibiting some things (like language) they can say annything they want. You will simply choose if you'll stay within hearing range of certain language or not.
And I can honestly say that your dread of what will happen is probably worse than just getting it over with. Then at least you'll know what happened and can be done with it. To go on as you are.. you'll worry over the same thing (maybe lots of different scenarios even) that just go on and on and never are finished.
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-Sir Walter Scott
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Becky Parker
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I prayed for you this morning. What a difficult issue. I strongly agree with those above, and find this issue very upsetting. I will pray that you have the courage to do what is best for your children.
Sometimes setting boundaries is so difficult! I agree about writing a letter if that is what it takes. Pray to Saints Anne and Joachim beforehand. I really believe that boundaries are so important in this situation and also that you can still honor your parent by setting those boundaries. Sometimes that will save a damaged relationship.
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Becky
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pumpkinmom
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I don't have any experience (at least not to this extreme), but wanted to offer prayers. Keep in mind that you are responsible for your child and that comes first no matter who or what. You should NEVER feel or be made to feel quilty about protecting your child. Lots of prayers and hugs! 
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Cassie
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Martha
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| Posted: Feb 07 2013 at 9:47am | IP Logged
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I'd bluntly tell her that threatening my kid(s) is an excellent way to never see them again.
Do not engage in argument. If she starts yelling and cussing and threatening, hang up or leave.
Simply state the facts.
You will not tolerate someone interfering or treating your kids like that and if she wants to remain in contact with them/you, she will have to honor that.
It's sad that it may cost her the only family that she has, but it would be far worse to let her keep crossing such a big boundary line.
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Martha
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Feb 07 2013 at 11:26am | IP Logged
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I am some what encouraged/relieved to see this topic come up, as my dh and I are having to face a similar situation with a grandparent, and it is so very hard   . I'm relieved to know that we are not alone.
In my case, one of the grandparents has always been a bully and overbearing, and this has only worsened with age. We had a bad scene while visiting over Thanksgiving, and now dh and I have had to make the hard decision not to stay as guests in their house ever again.
We will also have to limit visits with them. I have never left my dc alone with this grandparent, but I have left them at the house when both grandparents were home. Now I will no longer do this, either. The other grandparent is much beloved and is hysterical over this.
But I feel like my hands are tied here. Threatening my kids is crossing the Rubicon.
There is also a language issue with this grandparent. No amount of talking or asking for consideration has helped on that score. So I am faced with a very sad situation of limiting time spent with a beloved grandparent because of the other's behavior.
I find it interesting and helpful to know that Nancy sought counseling over this. It is a huge deal for my family- difficult on so many levels.
So I will be praying for both our families.
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stacykay
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Yikes!
I don't have anything to add, really, to what others have posted, but wanted to let you know that your family is in my prayers.
I haven't faced this extreme of behavior with grandparents, but on a smaller scale, when my oldest was a baby, we had a set of grandparents who refused to use the car seat. I understood that for the time dh and I were growing up, car seats weren't around, and yes, "we turned out just fine." But times change, we learn more about safety and how certain behaviors can have a life-long (and at times, detrimental,) impact on us, so parenting advice has evolved over the years.
We ended up discontinuing having these grandparents babysit for us.
In talking to a friend whose dh went through a whole childhood of abuse from his father, they determined, early on, that their children would never be alone with them. They made it clear to the grandparent in question that they loved them, but that any untoward behavior would result in discontinuation of visits.
Yes, we honor our parents, but, in regards to questionable behavior with your child, it is more honorable to your parent to not allow them into a sinful situation where they, potentially, might inflict pain (either verbal or physical) on your child.
And I do think our primary responsibility is to protect our children.
If it comes to a dissolution of contact, I would probably say something along the lines (not sure what might apply in your situation,) that although I love them, appreciate whatever they have done for me, and will always pray for them, we cannot see them at this time, due to their treatment of your child.
I am so sorry you (and others) are going through this! My prayers are with all.
In Christ,
Stacy in snowy MI
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Booksnbabes
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No advice, just prayers! We only have minor things, like our idea of appropriate movies being different than grandparents' ideas, but even those little things are stressful.
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Wife to wonderful DH, mom to SIX beautiful gifts from God!
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Barb.b
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1. tell this parent she is NOT to punish your kids.
2. Don't tell her anything about your kids. If she/he is giving unwanted advice and threatening physical punishment - don't tell this person anything about your kids. Really - this person doesn't need to know what your kids have done.
3. Never leave your kids alone with this person.
4. you and your dh need to be a united front and tell this person specific boundaries. Like: no advice unless you ask; they may NEVER punish; they will clean up their mouths and not talk inappropriately. . .
Praying for you. Honoring your parents doesn't mean you have to take their anger, abuse and threats. . .
This sounds terrible but - the fact that you are her only family is irrelevant. Don't let this person guilt you into thinking you have to take whatever they do because you are the only family this person has. It seems to mean - wether this person remains in contact with you and the kids is up to this parent. This parents actions have consequences.
Also, this person is bullying you as well as the kids. I wonder if that is part of their reason. . . they are trying to bully and have control not only of the grandkids but you. Just something to think about.
Barb
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Barb.b
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One question - WHO is your dd accused of lying to? I was confused as to weather your dd was accused of lying to this parent of yours or to some other person.
If this parent is saying your dd lied to them (the parent) - based on what you told us in the post about the parents anger and behavior - I would believe your dd over the parent.
I would say - the parent needs counseling before they are allowed to see your kids again.
Barb
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mommy4ever
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We've had boundary issues with the grands in the past. It resulted that if they wanted us to chose THEM over SPOUSE or child, it would result in a discontinuation in our relationships. And it did happen, for over a year, we didn't make contact, nothing. It was hard for us. But, they eventually apologized.
There is something in an Examination of conscience about parents of adult children being overbearing. This is an issue that shouldn't be occurring.
If they are threatening your child, they don't belong around your child. Have they threatened her directly? That could be why she lied(if she even did) to try and avoid their wrath. It isn't uncommon for some one with abusive tendencies to twist what they are being told to make it into something it isn't so they can punish the 'offender'.
I see many red flags here. Boundaries need to be set. Myself if those boundaries were broken, I'd break ties until they were ready to respect those boundaries, regardless of no other family or not. This isn't how we treat the young of the family.
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Anonymous
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Thank you everyone for your advice.
I finally got up the nerve today and faxed a letter stating various things, such as I will not call until this issue is dropped with my dd. It's stressing me out so much that I am getting bad headaches, sleepless nights, and I feel like my mind is going to snap.
Also said (this person) cannot come over if (this person) thinks they might take administering punishment upon themselves.
Said that I have been made to feel incompetent, incapable, and like a little girl always needing advice.
I claimed my right to parent as I see fit.
Ensured my love, but my family comes first.
Anyway --- please say some extra prayers for us. May God's Will be done.
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Servant2theKing
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I have struggled with similar issues in the past and know firsthand the pain and sorrow, as well as the necessity, of setting boundaries when family members' actions are unhealthy. May God grant you wisdom, prudence and strength in all actions you feel led to make in response to the family issues you are experiencing. May you be blessed with clarity of thought and peace of heart, mind, body and soul as you establish healthy and holy boundaries for your family. Praying for you and your entire family. May the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary lead everyone involved to do what is right and pleasing in the eyes of Almighty God.
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cathhomeschool
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Praying! I would encourage you to hold your ground and remind yourself of your duties and responsibilities to defend your children as often through the day as you need, especially if the person pressures more as a response to your letter. And based on history, I would not allow this person unsupervised even for a moment with my child even if he/she did state that he/she would not take administering punishment upon themselves. MUCH proof of changed behavior would have to be demonstrated in my presence in order for that person to earn trust.
I would encourage you to journal during the day, writing down your concerns, fears, conversations you would have, etc. Pour it all out to God on paper and tell Him that you trust that He will help you and guide you to the words and aid you need to protect your family. I've read that getting our stresses out on paper can help us let go of them enough to sleep at night.
Praying for you! St. Michael, defend this family!
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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Aagot
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Another reason to write it all down is so you don't forget. Some people have a way of erasing our memories and turning the truth around until you are so confused you cannot remember what you were upset about in the beginning. Then you start to think the whole mess is your fault.
Praying for you to be at peace and steadfast.
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kristinannie
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I am adding my prayers. I am having a much less difficult situation with a grandparent (who constantly has CSI on when my young children are in their house). I have had to start hiring a babysitter. It has cost a lot of money, but I think she really started to understand how important this is to me. She actually watched them last week and NO CSI!!!! Victory! At least for now...
That said, you need to protect your daughter. She needs to know that she is your number one priority and no one can come between her and you. I think you are right to follow your gut on this one and you have gotten wonderful advice! Praying in empathy!
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Anonymous
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Thank you, ladies.
This is a very, very trying time, since I not only have this issue with a parent, but, I know my husband is trying or is at least willing to cheat on me. I have told him one more chance and we're through. And that chance is about to be taken.
I am a basket case.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Help with Overbearing Parent
