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A-Lil
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| Posted: Oct 22 2012 at 5:00pm | IP Logged
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We just found out that our 17 year old niece is pregnant, and thankfully she is not going to have an abortion. But, my husband and I are trying to figure out how to tell our young children (ages 9,7,3)about this news. They see her quite often at family gatherings and I'm sure they will have many questions for us. Any advice about how to handle this?
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Amy
wife of Eric, mama of ds(9), dd(7), dd(4), and ds (1)
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SallyT
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| Posted: Oct 23 2012 at 12:17pm | IP Logged
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We've encountered this before, though not necessarily with a close relative. We've simply said that God's plan is for babies to be born to people who are married, but that sometimes people live together as if they were married (using "live together" very loosely . . . ), and that babies can be born that way. We emphasize the rightness of a plan which gives a baby a mother and a father and a stable home (and that God means for mothers to have husbands to take care of and protect them and their babies), but also that God can make blessings happen even out of bad situations and choices.
Not those precise words, but that is basically the outline of conversations I've had with my children at about the ages of yours.
Sally
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 23 2012 at 12:32pm | IP Logged
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That's about how we've done it too Sally. Basically, we say that sometimes people decide to act like they're married when they're not really and sometimes that means they have a baby, and all babies are a blessing.
And in general, I also try and keep empathy open.. so we might talk about how sometimes people get confused or scared and make bad choices (good for that talk on why someone would have an abortion) and that they really need our prayers.
It might also be a good time to talk about how God is so forgiving.
But I try and foster empathy rather than anger or indignation.. we talk about how *sad* something is which gives kids a different idea.. at least in my experience when we talk about something being sad, they don't seem inclined to tell the person involved how they were "bad". 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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SallyT
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| Posted: Oct 23 2012 at 12:54pm | IP Logged
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Yes. What Jodie said. It's helped us, actually, that we have a number of friends who are single mothers, and whose kids are our kids' friends. My kids have seen firsthand how difficult a life it is and been sad for their friends that they didn't have dads (at least not dads at home).
Typically how this baby conversation has come up in our house is that my kids have connected the dots -- "we've been to so-and-so's house a hundred times, and noticed that there's never a dad there" -- and then asked how this could happen. Sometimes it's because of divorce, but we have had never-married friends whose kids played with ours. In one case, the child in question was our oldest child's best friend, and we lived with her through a number of rather disastrous personal decisions on her mother's part. Just seeing some of that, more than anything my husband and I might have said, gave our daughter a serious laundry list of "I will never do" items. She and that friend have drifted apart somewhat (we moved, my daughter went to college, friend is all caught up in her high-school life), but my daughter still worries about her and the longterm effects of her upbringing.
Sally
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A-Lil
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| Posted: Oct 27 2012 at 10:32am | IP Logged
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Thank you so much for your thoughts! This will definitely be a help to us as we talk to the children.
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Amy
wife of Eric, mama of ds(9), dd(7), dd(4), and ds (1)
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Erin
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| Posted: Nov 01 2012 at 12:40am | IP Logged
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Ditto Sally and Jodie's advice, and stress that your niece needs 'our love, prayers and support'.
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Erin
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mommy4ever
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A baby is made to love and care for, regardless of how it comes to be. Be supportive of your neice, but don't take over for her, she has responsibilities to face. Let her learn to be a mother, guide her with love, encourage her to be the primary care giver allow her to assert herself in decisions for her child.
For your children, explain that sometimes people make decisions that aren't inline with God's plan for them. God meant for marriage and then children, but people sometimes make their own decisions. Let them know that a baby is never 'a mistake'. Her decision of having her baby is the right choice. All your children can do is offer her love and support. She isn't the first girl to get pregnant outside of matrimony and unfortunately, she won't be the last.
Having been 'that single mother', and been judged harshly by my family and 'friends', the only person really hurt is that baby not getting to know the extended family. That baby if you come across as condemning that mother will pull away to protect herself and her child, and deprive the extended family from knowing a truly wonderful child.
So, I always have said, there is a hard way and an easy way to everything. Being that single mother is a hard way to start adult hood. But there is life after birth. There is no reason she can't move forward as a mother and be successful. She just has to make maybe some different choices.
I went on to get married, I have 4 wonderful children, and that baby I had, is now 18 and a fine young man.
This is simply a different path, not necessarily a bad one.
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mommy4ever
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Oh, here is a link, if it helps at all. Not sure what your nieces situation. I have a friend who is discerning joining this community. They do some wonderful things there. Some great support if she needs some one to talk to
http://www.sistersoflife.org/visitation-mission-pregnancy-he lp
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Mom to 4,
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1 in Catholic school
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ardently praying for a new addition to our family.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Explaining teen pregnancy
