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Syncletica
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| Posted: Oct 19 2012 at 12:18am | IP Logged
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It has been made clear that if I don't talk to my
son(s) about growing up/facts of life, etc., they will only learn by 'figuring it out'.
I'm here to ask if anyone can give me some pointers about what to tell boys about growing up. What might be a good age? Would ten be too young? (I ask because someone had mentioned they take their daughters out for supper on their 10th birthday and tell them about menstruation and whatnot) -- I did that with my first child, a daughter, and now my second, a boy, has just turned 10. Don't want to jump the gun. Anyone been there, done that, and able to give me advice?
Thanks in advance!
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Erin
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I'm afraid there is no clear cut answer to the question of 'when' (alas), though in my experience none of my boys were ready at 10. I've found it best to tell in 'bits and pieces', and just keep the communication channels open, keep re-iterating that they are welcome to ask you with any questions they have, whenever they do.
We start with discussing hygiene, and changing bodies then let that sit for a while. Focus on being Christian gentlemen.
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jawgee
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Oh, the timing of this thread is just perfect. I've been asking DH to talk with my oldest (who will be 11 in December), but it is something his parents never did and he just doesn't know how to approach it.
I'll be watching this thread for ideas.
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Pilgrim
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One book I know others have mentioned, and my Dad used as a starting point was "the Joyful Mysteries of Life", and I purchased "Parents, Children, and the Facts of Life" a while back, and liked what I saw of it so far. I wanted to be prepared ahead of the game. My Dad usually did a day with my brothers at their 13th birthday, or sooner or later depending upon the boy, to give a talk about the bigger points of "growing up".
We have thus far taken a very graduated approach with our oldest, who will be 12 in Dec. We use the natural timing of babies being born, and all the different things that go with pregnancy, and questions that arise during such times, as opportunities to give laid back natural answers to questions. Or I even explain a little without questions when I think it would be good timing. I want our kids to be very comfortable with knowledge of how God created us, at good timing for *them*, on an individual basis, and I don't want to make the mistake so many parents do of neglecting this area due to being uncomfortable to discuss it, or the mistake of unloading too much info on someone who's not ready. If done with wise timing according to each child's readiness for any information being given, with an air of awe at how God created us in all aspects of our femininity or maleness, and with a feeling of giving them the simple information they need it seems to go well. I find praying to the Holy Spirit really helps give us peace that we're doing the right thing at the right time with our children. May He give you wisdom! 
In general I think 10 is too young for a major disclosure on the facts of life. I think Erin gave good advice on where to start at this age. 
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3ringcircus
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When are you all discussing the "mechanics"? I knew well before age 10 because I asked my Mom. My eldest asked briefly at age 6, but we were busy and it wasn't a good time. Since it's an all-boy household, they won't even have a casual knowledge about anatomy the way I did growing up w/ younger boy siblings.
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CrunchyMom
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I gloss over those questions, and often, the answer they *want* and satisfies them is more vague than I originally think. And, I don't think that there is anything wrong with saying something like, "This is something privateg between a mom and a dad, and we can talk more about this when you are a little older."
Kids are so different, but often, those moments are fleeting for my own boys while they make ME stop in MY tracks.  Often, they take the vague answer and are off to the next thing completely! Phew!!! 
I think I am biased because I was older both in learning the mechanics and going through puberty. I knew to expect my cycle in upper elementary, but I did not fully grasp how that was technically related to the marital act or my own fertility nor the "mechanics" of the marital act until 7th grade. I even remember my mother trying to explain it to me before then, but she did it so delicately, it wasn't until later that I really "got" it. Looking back, I think that one reason I didn't "get" it was because I simply wasn't ready. The information WAS there. Even once I did learn, it disgusted me. It was a long time before I ever thought that would be something anyone would desire! I learned mostly from my 7th grade science text, so perhaps if I had learned from the spiritual perspective first rather than the biological, I would not have reacted that way? Or perhaps it was simply because I was still another couple of years away from hormones myself 
So, while we will likely take these things as they come (we still have a few years, I think, before the need to "officially" address anything), I'm not sure that it all need come at once.
I really don't want to provide an answer that gives a strong associative mental image before it is necessary.
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Aagot
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My ds, then 11, caught me alone on a long drive and hammered me with questions. I would answer a little and deflect alot until I just caved. He was incredibly persistent! After all that he said, " uh, I don't think I was ready to hear that" and, " Mom, I think you ought to wait a long time before telling x " ( his younger brother by 14 months). I asked him how long and he said, " oh maybe 13 or older".
Thankfully, younger son is not so pushy!
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Erin
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CrunchyMom wrote:
| I even remember my mother trying to explain it to me before then, but she did it so delicately, it wasn't until later that I really "got" it. Looking back, I think that one reason I didn't "get" it was because I simply wasn't ready. |
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So true, recently dh had a big conversation with one of our teens and they covered many heavy topics, from the basics to many that sadly have to be covered in today's world. Dh was sure he'd covered the basics before but ds hadn't been ready to process before.
I work on the basis of giving a little information, asking if understood, do you want to know more? "no" well we'll come back later and add a little more when ready.
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Michaela
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My oldest was about 12 1/2 when his questions were very persistent. The deflecting wasn't working anymore. He knew women had the eggs and men had sp*rm, but would NOT stop with the question of how they come together. 
He is curious, more curious than his siblings who are the same age now. They are NOT intersted in the mechanics. No questions, nothing. I have one that literally puts hands over ears and repeats "la, la, la, la" to block out anything.
My oldest was more than ready for the information and not interested in my deflecting. He had searched dictionaries and the encyclopedia to find out as much as he could, but he didn't know certain words to actually look it up.  
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Like many others I believe we do a very graduated approach. I did take DD to a mother/daughter tea at age 11 b/c that's how old I was when I first started menstruation. However, at 13 1/2, she's STILL not there yet. So, along the lines of growing/changing bodies, private parts are personal, respect for body and self and each others private time in bathroom (esp. since DS and DD are so close in age) etc. is how we/(really I) have handled it. At 13 1/2 and 12, honestly I've never had ANY talks about the mechanics of anything and neither have asked. Well, they know the baby comes out "down there" as DS said one time. And we have talked on a very general, non-specific level, how babies are made with a mommy and a daddy, as opposed to just the "God put them there" talk when they're 3 or so.
Now that we'll be getting some chicks and possibly joining a 4H club, I'll be curious how rapidly they start pondering the facts of life more.
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pumpkinmom
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I guess I'm really in the minority here, but I think a good talk about the facts of life should be earlier. When I was a kid I got the completely wrong view of it because kids in school were talking about it in 5th grade pretty regularly! The short time my oldest was in public school (we pulled him out at first grade) he was already told by other students of his age about stuff, including mechanics.  Of course I feel like we live in an area that is so secular that it makes me sick at times. I hope it is not this way in other parts of the states (or world). I dream of living somewhere where it is not this way.
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CrunchyMom
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I suppose if my children were in school and spending a lot of unsupervised time with other children whose lifestyle was very different from our own, I'd have to re-evaluate my choices.
But one of the reasons I initially chose to home school was in reaction to the lack of innocence among the children I worked with directing the children's choir at a local Catholic school.
I suppose there is a possibility that my children will be prematurely introduced to the topic by their friends in our extracurricular activities (though, there are not so many opportunities for that to happen as there would be in a school setting). But I think of that as an exception, something I hope to avoid and can address should it arise. I pray I am fostering a relationship with my children where they will come to me if it does.
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Michaela
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Agreeing that discussing this subject, for me, is not so much age, but other factors including lifestyle and maturity.
I knew all the mechanics by jr. high (6th grade) maybe earlier because of friends who were already talking about or having sex. Our school included 6-8th graders. Just watching the 8th graders...smoking/drugs in bathroom, crying in the bathroom because someone 'laced' their drugs with something else, relationships, learning a clinic my friend went to for something she got while having sex, secrets from parents (she needed a ride & of course didn't ask her parents) ect...yep...my public school junior high experience I learned more about life in the halls, girls bathroom, and on the playground than from books in the classroom.
I felt the pressure about a year ago to tell my then 11yo (6th grade) twins. I started thinking about what other kids their age already knew. In reality, those thoughts were based on public school/private school lifestyle. So, for no other reason than age, I tried to have "the talk" then -- not interested.
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JodieLyn
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So much is really dependant on the child. Not only are some kids "not interested" but they may have a natural.. hmmm.. "insurmontable innocence" basically meaning that you can explain it but it won't make any sense to them. So it's sort of pointless and rather uncomfortable.
Others are ready well before you would want them to be.
And sometimes, a nice good explaination can be as disturbing to a child not ready for it as what they might hear in "on the street" would be. But because it's "on the street" they can choose to dismiss it more easily than from a trusted adult.
So really it's about what your particular child needs.
I do know that around here "girls have cooties" until around 12ish so I wouldn't want to try and have that conversation much earlier unless the child was showing me he was ready.
As for girls, menses are rarely the first sign of impending puberty, so I figure I can wait on the girl showing physical signs before worrying much about that.
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CatholicMommy
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For our family, we're with Cassie - perhaps in the minority ;)
My son knew some details of menstruation before he was 5. He called it "mommy's owie" by the time he was 3 because he'd seen the laundry and saw what he thought was "blood."
I do not intend to have a big "the talk" with him or have his godfather do it. This was my original plan (I'm a single mother), but it changed when I realized I could make these things a natural, non-disgusting, SACRED part of daily life.
One example:
So he's 8 and he is vaguely aware of the some of the more nocturnal occurrences that may happen; but
1) he is not yet making connections about what it all means
2) he knows that if he has any sort of accidents (he still very occasionally (like once a year) has a urine accident - we do NOT make an issue of it)
3) he knows it will be something that means his body is preparing for manhood
And I think that is what it comes down to. We have discussed at various times the changes that will happen - chest hair and hair in other places; voice changes; private areas changing; muscles; and inside his body will be preparing to be a man and a father.
He already got that preparation part from living in a tiny space with a single mom. He went from "mommy's owie" to knowing that this odd event that happens so routinely is part of mama's body being ready for babies if God has a husband in mind for her.
He knew more about menstruation just in that much than 2 young ladies I know before the first one even started! And then she was given FAR too much information all at once and it led to accusations of abortions towards the woman whom her father was courting at the time; fear of having been pregnant herself and miscarrying because a boy had kissed her head; and a few other rather serious confusions that could have been headed off if she'd just been given the line "This is God's way of preparing your body for being a mother later in life." (the egg and the sp*rm and the fallopian tubes do NOT need to be in the first conversation!!!!)
The fact is, as Christians, we speak about virginity and wombs at the Annunciation; wombs in the Hail Mary prayer... why do we still say that babies are in mommy's tummy? 2-3 year olds can understand there is a special (SACRED) place for babies within a mother's body - mother does not EAT her babies!
If we can focus on the SACRED, the MYSTERIOUS - it does not have to be disgusting, offending to the senses, and can be piece-mealed out from infancy, in a way that maintains innocence, integrity, dignity, privacy and respect for all involved.
I do like "Joyful Mysteries of Life" for finding a way to speak gently about these things, but I did mark up the book a bit with terminology changes - and I prepare my son even now for focusing on the dignity of his body ("Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit") without any talk of se*ual temptations or giving him ideas about where to find bad ideas. And I would not read it directly. After the topics have been covered, I MIGHT let an older teen read it. OLDER.
There is just something in me that eats away at my soul when I see even the otherwise most beautiful options giving WAY TOO MUCH TECHNICAL information mixed in with the spiritual.
Give the SPIRITUAL FIRST. Lay that strong foundation for YEARS. Feed in the technical bit by bit, as it makes sense in life. Focus on being a "gift" from God - all that has been given us a gift - and we are each a gift to one another to bring each to holiness. If we focus on THOSE SACRED concepts, developing them into a solid foundation from the very beginning, then the rest just follows, in a way that is NOT disturbing for a child.
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CatholicMommy
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That last post got long, but I did leave one more tiny point out:
We really-really-really want to avoid the discomfort and the harshness. This is all part of life; it should be sweet and gentle.
Sacred.
With tiny bits of the details here and there, keeping it totally low-key and "life as God intended it".
And I have been focusing on "preparation for adulthood" - if we can talk about it in regards to schooling and life skills, why can't we be on the same frequency when talking about our very identities?
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SeaStar
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Bumping this one up... my ds is 12, and is still in that allergic to girls phase. He is not asking any questions, and I don't want to spook him with too much information.
Should I take a wait and see approach? I am all ready with a copy of the Joyful Mysteries of Life in the house to discuss when the time comes. Right now I have him reading All Things Guy, which talks about physical changes but doesn't get into the mechanics of babies.
All you moms who have been down this road... any more wisdom to add?
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Topic: Talking to boys about growing up
