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CelesteMary
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| Posted: Sept 18 2012 at 7:38pm | IP Logged
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Hi everyone. I am having a heck of a time with my personality tendency and how it is affecting the way I parent.
Eight children ranging from 13mos to 12 years. I always love them so as littles, discipline not a problem, all seemed like it was going so well.
Since they have gotten older, my older ones in particular, my oldest girl, is so different. Out of what seemed to be nowhere - disrespect, eyerolls, getting close to my face as if she is challenging me...and on.
My second, third and fourth are following. As long as everything goes the way they want it, great. When not, I get this argumentative, negotiating thing going, even the toddlers are starting to do it.
My parent style has always been mostly verbal, explaining every little thing and why....gosh, I am sick of hearing myself talk.
I seem to be losing the upper hand and my husband isn't home most of the time. He works, many doubles so it isn't rare for him to be gone from 7am and not be seen by the children until the next morning at 7am.
I am certain that they are taking my kindness for weakness.
How do you guys get your children to respect you but still enjoy one another? or is that just it, we can't always enjoy one another if I am going to be "mom".
Sorry this letter is a bit whiny. I just can't lose the house to the older kids, this will make a loooooong time together and I really want to order my days properly so that we can enjoy one another.
What good discipline tactics do you use with your older children?
Thanks for your suggestions.
Blessings
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Wife to Jeff, mother to Abigail 00, Thomas 02, Elizabeth 03, Charles 05,Amelia 07, Laura & Walter 09, Annie 11, one Angel in Heaven 2013,baby Maria Rose due 4/26/15.
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Sept 19 2012 at 5:54am | IP Logged
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Hi Celeste,
I moved your post to Mothering and Family Life since this seemed to fit better there. I missed the line of your post where you said you wanted to order your days properly in order to address this issue at first. If you really primarily want help scheduling and planning as a means of addressing this issue, I will gladly move this back to that forum. But in terms of brainstorming this issue of temperaments and discipline style and aging children, I do think that it fits in this forum well 
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Sept 19 2012 at 8:09am | IP Logged
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Hi Celeste,
I have to be clear and up front, my temperament is probably not in the "people pleaser" category. Probably not even close.  Although I do really enjoy it when people/family is pleased - it isn't my motivator. I'm more of the bulldozer. Where I can be firm and confident easily (out of my temperament) you will need to exercise more. Where you can be kind and gentle easier (out of your temperament) I have to exercise more. Neither temperament has an advantage here - we're both working to perfect our weak areas and to express ourselves as Christ did: balanced and the perfection of all temperaments. I just wanted to be clear that I'm coming from a different place on the temperament spectrum though. Having said that, I do recognize some of the things you're talking about and have some tools that really help me in fostering an atmosphere of respect and kindness in my home so I thought I'd share.
CelesteMary wrote:
| Since they have gotten older, my older ones in particular, my oldest girl, is so different. Out of what seemed to be nowhere - disrespect, eyerolls, getting close to my face as if she is challenging me...and on. |
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This is normal for girls. Where boys express themselves physically, and it sometimes seems they're ransacking the house and surroundings in being physical, girls express themselves and even attempt to manipulate emotionally. This means eyerolling, disrespectful talking, etc. And this isn't acceptable! Both are bullying techniques, attempts to get their way as you've already rightly assessed.
CelesteMary wrote:
| How do you guys get your children to respect you but still enjoy one another? or is that just it, we can't always enjoy one another if I am going to be "mom". |
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I think both may be possible here. Respect is certainly possible, and I'd go as far as to say it is essential in a peaceful home. And sometimes, the older kids may not like your answer. Sometimes, you have to make a judgement call decision that isn't interpreted as "fun", but is best for that child or for the family. Here's where it's probably easier for my temperament than it is for yours, so I know you'll really have to work at this, but you can do it! The answer to whining or disrespect of your decision is simple: "I'm the parent, I make the best decisions I can. This is the decision, end of discussion." And mean it. Move on to another job pleasantly.
IF...an older child of mine comes to me privately about a decision and wants to discuss it respectfully, then I do!! Absolutely! I don't mind having respectful discussions! But eye-rolling and getting in my face is not respectful - it is bullying! I don't want to foster that in my home because I sure don't want to see it start to take place outside the home - so either of those behaviors would be identified VERY QUICKLY as disrespectful and if not altered quickly the child leaves the room until they're ready to come back and apologize to me.
In a boy, this looks a little different, but it has the same motivator and seeks the same end result. They slam their fist on the table or slam the dishwasher or shove things around...they're being physical with their bullying. This could go further into pushing and shoving another person around, and if it does my response is proportionate. I am extremely FIRM about being physical with another person! My reaction to the inanimate-object-shoving-around is the same: "You are being disrespectful. It either stops now, or you can leave the room and come back when you're ready to apologize."
Now...I wanted to share one more tool that I've learned with older pre-teen/teen girls: send her to the shower.
This works wonders for a young lady coming of age - or any teen!!! Young ladies, whose bodies are changing, and hormones have started working, need tools to help them because sometimes they really don't understand what's going on. They've gotten moody, sullen, pushy, irritable and they're taking it out on everybody in the family. You know this has happened when all the children in your home hide in a closet when this person comes out of their room. Sometimes this can be exacerbated by multiple siblings in the home, if she feels pressured to do her job as "the oldest", feeling like she has no privacy, or just plain feeling overwhelmed. Here's what I do:
** Take this young lady aside privately.
** Explain in very succinct terms what is going on if you haven't already!
** If you have explained before about what is happening with her body/hormones/emotions and how this can affect behavior (and you should definitely prepare her for this!!), let her know that everyone in the family would appreciate it if she would hit the reset button. The best way to do this is for her to take a little time and space...and (I'm not kidding!)...a shower!
** Send her to the shower! Tell her to take her time, enjoy getting out and being refreshed, and come back to the family refreshed!
** When she's taken aside privately like this, and mom speaks gently, understandingly to the heart of the matter, a young lady feels understood and helped rather than punished.
A shower can be a universal answer! It allows for privacy. It's calming and if a young lady just needs to let some emotions out and have a good cry, she can do so....in the shower! And it's refreshing - one cannot help but step out of it feeling refreshed. It's a clear marker of having washed off and made a change for freshness. And you've gently let her know that you understand what is going on, and while that kind of behavior is not acceptable, you're giving her a tool to help her reset.
Keep this shower-reset idea in your thoughts because with your oldest being 12, my guess is that you may need to give her this tool to help her reset on days when she (and you and the rest of the family) needs it!
Now, boys are different as I've already mentioned. Boys at this age are still allergic to showering, I'm afraid.  As they get older and move into the pre-teen years they need more and more time with dad! And since you mentioned that your dh isn't home a lot, and your boys are younger, now would be a good time to start brainstorming with dh how you can facilitate this for your boys...because in a few years they are really going to need HIS guidance, direction, and firm "dad-hand"!
As for your explaining things out of kindness, I really can't help but see that as good. As long as you don't feel compelled to explain after-the-fact in reaction to an attempted coup. If that happens in my home, I give the standard: "I'm the parent, I make the best decisions I can. This is the decision, end of discussion." And mean it and move on. If however, an older child comes to you respectfully seeking an explanation, by all means do so! I think it is engaging and respectful, and engaging doesn't mean automatically changing your mind.
I hope this gives you some ideas, Celeste!
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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CelesteMary
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| Posted: Sept 19 2012 at 1:46pm | IP Logged
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Mackfam, that's brilliant! I will print your suggestions out. Love the shower idea and can really see the benefit for all to utilize it.
My husband's OT will be over soon. My boys follow him everywhere when he is home. He is an outdoorsy woodworking type, so the boys stay attached to him outside and the girls usually hang with me. I will check the other forum, thanks for placing it in a better spot.
God bless,
Celeste
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Susana
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| Posted: Sept 20 2012 at 12:01am | IP Logged
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Storing these tips in the back of my mind for when the time comes! Thanks Jen! You are truly a blessing!
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Mami to ds12,ds11,ds10,ds8,dd7, dd4, and ds 2.
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Erin
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| Posted: Sept 20 2012 at 3:48pm | IP Logged
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Celeste
I can relate to much of your parenting style  I also explain alot and find it hard to say no, mind you I'm getting tougher, maybe it was turning 40 
Anyhow really encouraging you to draw lines in the sand. Disrespect is certainly a no go, I call them on it, "Rolling your eyes is not respectful, apology please" Then a little 'chat' about respect. Later I when emotions are calm we might talk more indepth. Really need to stamp on that one, and as you're finding it will travel down the line.
I also found that as the years rolled on I had to stop giving explanations all the time, gosh I've even said in response to a "why?" because "I'm the boss and I said so!" as a fellow people pleaser I know you'll understand the significance of that!! I find I tend to give shorter explanations to the littler ones now, or just "do it". Later I may explain more why etc.
I did discover I wasn't really meant to be their friend, not to say I can't have that relationship with my adult children, as I can see my relationship with dd19 changing. My children and I do enjoy lovely discussions and sharing, but first they need a mum, and the older they get the more I see the importance of my role.
Mmm I haven't really given any discipline tips, let's see at 12 when they want to 'get into it' and you start to boil, when I see myself doing that I state my answer/position, then when they respond etc and you can see escalation, I've really found it helpful to step back and I say, "I'm disengaging" sounds funny I know but it so helps, me and them, when I say that they know I'm a boulder.
Just wanting to encourage you you have to stop being a people pleaser, it's rather freeing (Not to say I don't still slip  )
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
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CelesteMary
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| Posted: Sept 20 2012 at 5:10pm | IP Logged
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Thanks for the encouragement Erin. I have grown so much in other ways with those outside of the home, but was thrown for a whammy when my children began to manipulate. Like, duh, children manipulate?
It's taken me a minute to get my mind around it. I try and say what I mean and mean what I say and forget they are kids, like they want their way- not necessarily what is the best for them. I don't know why it has taken me so long to see it, maybe so comsumed with these last few pregnancies I just didn't notice the gradual change in the children.
Anyway, thanks so much for the encouragement again and your perspective.
Celeste
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Wife to Jeff, mother to Abigail 00, Thomas 02, Elizabeth 03, Charles 05,Amelia 07, Laura & Walter 09, Annie 11, one Angel in Heaven 2013,baby Maria Rose due 4/26/15.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: people pleasers please....
