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misswallo
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| Posted: July 11 2012 at 5:46pm | IP Logged
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My 13 yr. old daughter was just invited by her good friend to join her and two other friends for her birthday. The parents were planning to drop the girls off at a restaurant and then the girls were planning to walk to a frozen yogurt shop after dinner. This is planned for a Friday evening downtown. Too young or am I over reacting. She has gone to the movies with friends and a couple of times she was allowed to be at the mall with a friend without parents for a little while, I'm not sure why this situation makes me uncomfortable, but it does. Maybe because it's during the evening on a Friday in our college town. I don't know, what do you think?
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KC in TX
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| Posted: July 11 2012 at 6:01pm | IP Logged
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If you feel uncomfortable, I wouldn't let her do the walk. Maybe she can call you to pick her up when the check arrives after dinner?
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 11 2012 at 6:10pm | IP Logged
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So much depends on the town and the area in the town and the distance to the yogurt shop.
You might talk yourself through it and figure out where the problem is? the resturant? the yogurt shop? the walk between the two? Their behavior? the other people out there? I would doubt they'd be accosted in either the resturant or yogurt shop so the walk would be the main problem.. maybe you could come and keep an eye on them for the walk? or offer to give them a ride between the two?
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pumpkinmom
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| Posted: July 11 2012 at 6:26pm | IP Logged
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At that age I was allowed to do that, but I won't let my kids do that. The world is a different place now. If I was really pressured to let my child do this, I would be in the area with phone in hand, if not stalking the kids.  Also, it depends on the child. Some are so much more mature than others and some can handle things that could come up while others can't.
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misswallo
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| Posted: July 11 2012 at 7:02pm | IP Logged
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I think it's the walk and the other people downtown. But the good thing is that my husband and I will already be downtown the same evening. We have plans to meet some friends for dinner, so that makes me feel better. But she was going to be our babysitter, so if we can't find anyone else she has to stay home with her siblings and join her friends for the sleepover later.
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misswallo
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| Posted: July 11 2012 at 7:22pm | IP Logged
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Ha, just got off the phone with the mother, who is a very good friend of mine. She told me she had no idea about the walk to the yogurt shop. Seems her daughter forgot to mention that idea, not being deceitful, just forgetful. Anyways, she was not comfortable with that, so she will pick them up at the restaurant and take them to the yogurt shop. I guess with my first child I second guess myself alot when it comes to things like this, I am thankful for this forum for advice and ideas.
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Missy-married in 1997 dd(99) dd(01) dd(04) dd(06) ds(09) and ds(12)
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JodieLyn
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kristinannie
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| Posted: July 12 2012 at 9:04am | IP Logged
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I say always go with your instincts as a mother. If something doesn't feel right, say no.
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JamieCarin
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| Posted: July 13 2012 at 10:26am | IP Logged
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This seems resolved but I would let my child do this at 13. Ever read Free Range Kids?
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misswallo
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| Posted: July 13 2012 at 10:59am | IP Logged
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Jamie, no, I haven't read Free Range kids. I googled it quickly, it's a blog right or is there a book as well? I'll have to look into it more. I tend to worry too much for my children's safety, especially more so when I am pregnant. That being said, our town's crime rate has greatly increased in the last 5 years..at all times of the day...attempted abductions of young women walking out of the grocery store in the middle of the day, flashers all over the place all hours of the day, shootings, mostly at night, but some during daytime hours...one happened right outside my husband's family restaurant. And now, my neighbors across the street have had a man attempt to break in two nights just this week. So I guess I'm a little on "high alert" these days. I grew up in a small town with no crime, we would leave our car keys in the ignition every night. I wish my children could grow up like I did, but that is not our reality where we live.
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misswallo
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| Posted: July 13 2012 at 11:01am | IP Logged
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Oh yeah, what is funny, the small city we live in was always rated in the top 20 places to live and raise a family, but it hasn't made the list in years.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 13 2012 at 4:54pm | IP Logged
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Just quickly to answer.. yes there is a book. You might also do a search here on the boards. I think we might have discussed it some.
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SallyT
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I think it really depends on the children and the community. I do tend toward the free-range end of the spectrum, and my 8- and 9-year-olds go with their friends to the bakery and ice-cream store on our town square on a regular basis, on bikes or on foot, without me. But then, our town is small, and our house is about five minutes on a bike from said square and from the houses of said friends. A small town is not immune from problems and dangers, but we did choose our community partly because so much of it is walkable for our children, which enables them to have far more autonomy than we would have allowed them in our former more sprawling and higher-crime city.
I tend, generally, to think that children in a group are safer than one child alone on the street (though I can also think of crime stories in which that has not been the case). In general, I think children who have been given boundaries and taught how to cope with strangers (no approaching strangers in cars, no going anywhere with someone you don't know, no accepting anything from a stranger, etc) AND are in a group are probably about as safe as -- let's be honest here -- the same group of children in a car driven by a responsible adult, statistically speaking.
Still, I can think of places where I wouldn't want my kids to go alone, or even in a group of friends. So much really does depend on the context. What my older son (now 14) was allowed to do in this town at 10 was more than his still-older sister was allowed to do in our old city at 13 and 14. So I don't think you're being overprotective, according to your context, though in *another* context I would think that a group of 13-year-olds could easily handle walking from a restaurant to a yogurt shop without adult oversight. In other words, it seems to me that the issue is not so much the age of the people involved as the reality that the context would not be that safe for anyone of any age.
Does that make sense? It seems to me that the answer isn't so much, "Yes, she's too young," as, "No, walking in this area is not a good idea."
Sally
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kristinannie wrote:
| I say always go with your instincts as a mother. If something doesn't feel right, say no. |
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That's exactly what I was going to say! 
*My* initial reaction would be to say no as well. In my opinion, they are *still* 13 year old GIRLS...not even close to the brink of womanhood or adulthood so why should they be pretending to act like they're adults by sitting in a restaurant unsupervised, having a meal (paid for by the parents I presume) so they can pretend to be something they're not.
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Adding to my above post...I think the whole "Friday evening" time frame is what wouldn't sit well with me and makes it less appealing. It's not like dropping them at the mall for an afternoon where they can grab a bite at the food court and wonder around. That's why I thought it was taken it to almost allowing them to go out on a Friday night and act like they're grown-ups.
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misswallo
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| Posted: July 14 2012 at 2:15pm | IP Logged
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Kathryn, that is how I felt as well, and a little worried about the questionable characters that hang out downtown. They just had dinner, mom picked them up after 1.5 hrs, so no walking to the yogurt shop. My daughter actually told me that her friend was really obnoxious and it was embarrassing to be there with her acting that way. She said she would have rather stayed home to babysit. She's allowed to go the mall, go running in and around our neighborhood and also take daytime walks with her friends up to a little "village" of stores and businesses a half mile from home, all age appropriate activities in my opinion. I just felt like going to dinner was a little "grown up" for a 13 yr. old, but we allowed it and it all was fine.
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SallyT
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Oh, somehow I missed the whole sitting-in-the-restaurant-unsupervised thing. Yes, I'd think 13 was a little young for a group of unsupervised diners, not so much from the safety standpoint as from the standpoint of the potential for the kids to behave inappropriately, so as to be a pain in the neck for wait staff and fellow diners. Girls in that age range can be pretty silly, especially in a group.
I could see letting them have their own table and (as the chaperoning adult) sitting with my husband or friend a few tables away, so that they could practice being "grown-up," but still have the possibility of adult intervention if anyone behaved immaturely. My oldest was 15 or 16, with older (driving) friends, before she really took off into the world of eating out with no adults along.
Sounds like your daughter was the mature girl in the bunch, too, so obviously you've done a good job!
Sally
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misswallo
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Yes, Sally, I would have preferred a chaperone as well. WE go out to eat often as my family owns restaurants, so I wasn't worried about my daughter misbehaving. I was way more concerned about the walking to another place. All the other girls were fine, just one in particular was a loud and embarrassing. I kept thinking that 15 or 16 would be a better age to try this, so now I know for sure if this comes up again that it's not a good idea and I think my daughter would agree.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: She's too young, right?
