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Angie Mc
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There. I said it. There are dumb questions. Like...
"Should I use this?" Referring to a bar of soap to wash hands. Ummm, yes.
This child (who is not little) asks many of these questions. Many.
Can you help me to brainstorm ways to break this habit?
This child is confident in general, so it isn't that he doesn't have opinions or isn't willing to state them.
He is a perfectionist, so maybe he feels the need to make sure everything is right and will turn out right.
Maybe he does it to make conversation and/or engage me (I tend to get the most questions.)
I need a plan  .
Thanks so much! I'm missing everyone here! The transition into summer is proving to be a bit bumpy. We're back from vacation and I'm eager to get us all off to a good start on our new summer routine.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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MaryM
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Are you looking for answers?
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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MaryM
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MaryM wrote:
| Are you looking for answers? |
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Which btw, is my attempt at a dumb question... 
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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kristacecilia
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I always ask them,
"what do YOU think?"
Not in a snarky way, but honestly.
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God bless,
Krista
Wife to a great guy, mom to two boys ('04, '06) and three girls ('08, '10, '12!)
I blog at http://kristacecilia.wordpress.com/
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Mackfam
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MaryM wrote:
MaryM wrote:
| Are you looking for answers? |
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Which btw, is my attempt at a dumb question... |
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I'm afraid my responses are probably not what you're looking for.
I usually look at the child, tilt my head incredulously and say, "Are you kidding me?"
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Jen Mackintosh
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Angel
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kristacecilia wrote:
I always ask them,
"what do YOU think?"
Not in a snarky way, but honestly. |
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I'm afraid the bigger they are, the snarkier I probably get. 
I'm sure that at some point I just raise my eyebrows in incredulity and they get the point.
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Angela
Mom to 9, 7 boys and 2 girls
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organiclilac
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My son has been doing this. He's always asking permission for things he does not need to ask permission for. Even for things like going to the bathroom. (I thought no hall passes was one of the benefits of homeschooling?) I've just started saying NO!
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Tracy, wife to Shawn, mama to Samuel (4/01) and Joseph (11/11), and Thomas (2/15)
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Mackfam
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| Posted: June 12 2012 at 2:11pm | IP Logged
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Angel wrote:
| I just raise my eyebrows in incredulity and they get the point. |
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Yes. Do that, too. Probably more than I respond with anything verbal.
Seriously though, Angie....
AngieMc wrote:
He is a perfectionist, so maybe he feels the need to make sure everything is right and will turn out right.
Maybe he does it to make conversation and/or engage me (I tend to get the most questions.) |
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Or maybe he's just being intentionally obtuse? In that way that boys can be when they're avoiding the obvious because it involves either (a) work or (b) cleanliness.
It seems like there are two options here:
1) His questions are motivated out of an intentional obtuse-ness.
2) His questions are more sincere and looking for acknowledging/validation of some kind....kind of like, "Am I right?"
** I think in either case, I would not engage the actual "dumb question". I'd probably work on my smile.
** If the response is intentionally obtuse I'd probably smile with a bit of reasonable incredulity, a knowing face, to let the child know that I'm not buying.
** If the response is sincere and looking for validation (this usually only happens with a younger child here), I'd probably smile in a much less sarcastic way that simply conveys my confidence that he will figure out what to do with the soap and his dirty hands.
Enjoy your summer transition time! We're transitioning OUT of our short little summer break here...so think of this as a high five as we pass each other on the court. You're on the way to the bench with your crew for a break....and we're geared up and excited to head back into the game!
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Jen Mackintosh
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: June 12 2012 at 3:38pm | IP Logged
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Thanks ladies  .
MaryM wrote:
| Are you looking for answers? |
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Very funny smartie .
Let's see...
I've done all of the above but not in a disciplined way. Sometimes I answer the question, sometimes I give the look, sometimes I say, "You're killing me Smalls!" I've even tried replying to his questions with a question like "Why do you ask?" I just kept waiting for him to outgrow this. Not happening.
The more I think about it, the more I think he is doing this as a way to engage me. What if I tried something very direct like saying, "Find another way to engage me."
I also think I'll do something daily with just him that represents our own proper engagement (mind you, I spend quite a bit of time with this child...he simply loves one-to-one time)...like a private lemonade time...where he can have my undivided attention and practice seeing our engagement as disciplined, predictable, worth waiting for, etc...
From here I could ask him, "Can this wait until our lemonade?" or become firm, "We'll miss our lemonade if you insist."
There is something tenacious and manipulative here that I don't want to be a part of - sheesh!
Am I getting closer?
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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Mackfam wrote:
Enjoy your summer transition time! We're transitioning OUT of our short little summer break here...so think of this as a high five as we pass each other on the court. You're on the way to the bench with your crew for a break....and we're geared up and excited to head back into the game! |
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We're actually with you, Jen! Just back from vacation and trying to sort out the summer schedule. It's so darn hot here in the summer that we're eager to get some studies in. I'm actually looking forward to this time after a fabulous spring outdoors, I love being indoors...cozy...with a little less baseball .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Mackfam
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Angie Mc wrote:
| The more I think about it, the more I think he is doing this as a way to engage me. |
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Then I'd say trust your instincts here! It sounds like making a conscious effort to fill this child's love tank is the way to go!
I tend to be very direct, but sometimes I tend to take a less direct approach with a child just so I can observe and allow what I'm observing to motivate the next step I take.
So, in this case, I probably wouldn't say, "Find another way to engage me." If it were me, I'd probably still smile and choose not to allow this type of invitation to be rewarded with any engagement on my part because it's manipulative and I wouldn't want to encourage that.
BUT...I WOULD mentally make note that I have clearly got to work on filling the love tank for this child today. And I'd be disciplined about ensuring that this happens in little and big ways throughout the day (I'd probably have to make a list to help myself with small, doable ideas for meeting this child's love language needs so I'd have something no-brainer to look at when I have 10 min.)
Now, my approach may be based on my experience with my children who would not get the more abstract but still direct approach of, "Can this wait until our lemonade time today?" Which means I'd have to engage more, explain myself....rather than moving quickly beyond "the dumb question" in order not to reward that type of manipulative invitation to spend time together.
BUT....I WOULD really work to reward direct invitations by the child to spend time with me with eye contact and a positive response.
CHILD: "Mom, can we sit down together and watch this game?"
MOM: "I'd love to. Let me wrap up my work here! I love it when you ask me to sit down with you and watch a ballgame! I'll bring popcorn!"
Edited to add...I'd also probably sit down with an older child and have a direct conversation letting them know I notice they've been doing "x". I'd ask if they're just looking for ways to have more conversations with me? I'd talk about healthy ways to invite conversation. I'd let them know my plan of action if presented with a "dumb question". And then I'd introduce ideas for filling the love tank for this child and give them tools/words to use to let me know they need their tank filled. This has worked well with my older kids when I notice behavior that makes me 
My two cents, Angie...but I don't think you need it! You've got great instincts here!
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Jen Mackintosh
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Angie Mc
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Awesome ideas, Jen! Thanks for brainstorming with me, all.
I'm going to chat with him and figure something out. I need to tie some of this into him becoming a man...transitioning into manhood. He needs to become more direct, be able to delay gratification, and get his needs met in ways that don't set others (me) up for failure.
I love filling his love tank...but need to be careful to not do so in a way that doesn't feed into his passive aggressive stuff. Tricky!
God bless him, he's a great kid!
Keep your help coming, friends .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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organiclilac
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Angie Mc wrote:
| sometimes I say, "You're killing me Smalls!" |
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That one gets used around here, too!
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Tracy, wife to Shawn, mama to Samuel (4/01) and Joseph (11/11), and Thomas (2/15)
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Angie Mc
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organiclilac wrote:
Angie Mc wrote:
| sometimes I say, "You're killing me Smalls!" |
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That one gets used around here, too! |
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Oh, Tracy, you made my day  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Erica Sanchez
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organiclilac wrote:
Angie Mc wrote:
| sometimes I say, "You're killing me Smalls!" |
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That one gets used around here, too! |
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My husband's favorite!
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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guitarnan
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I find myself having to make "dates" with my college-age son to go over paperwork, register for classes, etc. each semester. He clearly needs and wants my input, but on his terms (when he's ready to register, he wants me to be available to offer advice or wahtever).
Since I'm not Doormat Mom, I negotiate these times with him, and each semester is a different experience.
It took us an entire year of talking/arguing/negotiating/yelling to get to this place, where we can negotiate a time or tentative time to sit down together to go over his class choices. (I hope that by next semester he won't need me, since he'll be far away geographically, but that's why God made Skype. And moms.)
He has a love tank that needs filling, for sure, but he also needs to recognize that other people in his life have schedules, needs, obligations, deadlines (I am a freelance writer) and love tanks. We're getting there, slowly.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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stellamaris
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One of my children, who has a pretty serious expressive language challenge, regularly engaged me by repeating the same question over and over MANY times a day. I finally did directly ask him, "Do you ask me the same question (that you know the answer to) over and over again because you want to talk to me?" When he said yes, we brainstormed together other ways of initiating conversation, including the direct request of him coming to me and saying, "Mom, I want to talk to you" or "Mom, is this a good time to talk?" Then, we discussed how one can't talk about the same subject over and over! So, we decided that when he wanted to talk, if it was a good time, he would ask me and then we would have a conversation about what our conversation would be about! Then we would have the conversation!
This is probably a LOT more than you will need to do, as your son doesn't have such challenges, but the direct approach did help him understand and apply a better way to interact, plus, in our case, giving him the words to facilitate that interaction.
So, all this to say, that I do think you are on the right track, Angie, with thinking he wants to initiate conversation with you, and I wouldn't be afraid to handle it with a direct approach. I don't think I have ever told any of the other children that I DIDN'T want them to ask questions, but I did come right out and tell this one that he couldn't keep on asking me questions he already knew the answer to just to engage me in conversation. I directly practiced with him more effective ways of initiating conversation.
Sounds crazy, I know, but it did work for us. Some kids just don't naturally "get" how these interactions are supposed to flow!
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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Angie Mc
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Angel and Krista, when I'm fighting off my natural inclination toward snarky, I'll think of you .
Erica Sanchez wrote:
organiclilac wrote:
Angie Mc wrote:
| sometimes I say, "You're killing me Smalls!" |
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That one gets used around here, too! |
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My husband's favorite!
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Oh, Erica, that's funny!
For those who have no idea what we're talking about, here ya go: You're killing me, Smalls!. And I thought it was just our family .
Ladies, you have been such a help and encouragement! Last night we talked and I had him take the Love Languages for Teens and voila...his primary has changed to "Words of Affirmation" with a close second of "Quality Time". OK, so that got me thinking...
I'm asking everyone in the family to bump up their words of affirmation and for the boys to cut out the boy banter (you play like a girl  ) stuff for the week as we sort this stuff out.
Nancy, you are right on...this will take time. I have asked my ds to ask me for a daily meeting. This forces him to consider my time AND we'll see if he works better on a schedule (meeting at 4) or with flexibility (mom, can we talk now?)
Caroline, while my ds doesn't have serious expressive language challenges, he is a quiet kid compared to some of us here . I definitely want him to see that it is OK to practice "his words" such as those that you pointed out. Direct words help to avoid passive aggressive behavior and victim-hood when we can't read his mind  .
And...this is my favorite ah ha moment from this morning...He loves to interrupt me while I'm at the computer. We've tried everything we could think of to break this habit (to include me not being on too much!) and we've come up with this solution: He can hug me anytime he wants while I'm at the computer! I will hug him back then he can use direct words if needed.
Wish us luck!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: asking dumb questions
