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mamalove
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| Posted: May 15 2012 at 6:19pm | IP Logged
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I am having a tough time with my 14 yo ds. He has been homeschooled all of his life. Lately he has had personal trouble. He has told us he is bored and lonely. We live in a rural area and it requires a lot of driving to get to sports and friends. His dad has realized that he needs to do more with our only boy, so that is a blessing. They have been doing lots of activities together and working together.
My problem is his attitude and grumpiness. I want to respond with gentleness, but I just don't like him when he acts this way! I have 4 younger children (all girls) and he really takes the joy out of my days sometimes.
I feel like a bad mother even admitting this and I feel like i have failed big time.
I know it is a lesson in humility, because in the past I would be totally judgmental toward a mom who was having trouble with teens. I would think "well, should have raised them better!"
I have "done everything right" and I still have these problems, so I thank God for showing me the error of my ways...but I still don't know how I am going to deal with this.
I dread the thought of schooling him for 4 more years. I wish we could move closer to the good Catholic school, he would be there in a heartbeat. We have been unschooling since Christmas, and it seems to be good for all of the children except ds. He needs direction. He has no passions, he has no view for his future. I really want to get him a job, but to find a safe place with a man I trust is another ball of wax!
But I want to like to be with him, it makes my heart sad that I just want to send him away. But all of this energy focused on one child does not work in a large family.
I know there are lots of very experienced moms of older children here who love to give advice, so I am humbly thankful for whatever time you will give to my family's problem.
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stefoodie
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Hi Mamalove -- I've been there done that -- actually still in the middle of it -- and we're in an urban area with lots of opportunities for friends/sports. So I think a lot of it has to do with just being at teen.
That doesn't mean he should just be allowed to be grumpy all the time -- maybe insist, for instance, that at mealtimes he needs to be at least civil and try to communicate with the family.
One thing that has helped my 15-yo is letting him take charge of a lot of his education. For us that meant allowing him to enrol in virtual academy even though I would have preferred to continue designing his curriculum with him. I did insist on continuing to assign readings and books from time to time, which he's okay with.
What about Church? Are there activities for teens he can get involved in? Some service work perhaps, do things with the Knights of Columbus, or join Squires if they have a chapter there? Maybe volunteer for odd jobs at the parish for starters and then go on from there? Keeping them busy, not necessarily with schoolwork, I find, helps a lot. It keeps them from brooding and having a pity party which I thought only girls were prone to -- NOT.
Sounds like he's got a great dad though and doing lots of activiites with him like you said should help. You're not a bad mom! This is just part of the process -- I feel like my young man has been quicker to detach from me than his sister did. Not detach completely but just not needing me as much. It's bittersweet, what can I say. Maybe focusing on your mom-son relationship would be more helpful right now, and let dad take care of the career direction, motivation, etc.? Do some fun things together like go out for coffee.... Or assign chores that are more challenging, and pay him to do those? Or let him set a goal for purchasing something and then giving him 2 or 3 options/jobs that he can do so he can earn the money?
Would he be open to Consecration? This might be something that gets him thinking about how he's acting towards you and the family, about end goals (heaven), etc.
Books, maybe? If he hasn't read Orthodoxy by Chesterton, he might want to. My teens are very much into knight stories and science fiction. I've had to read a few  just so we can discuss them.
Online friendships? Yes, this can be really dangerous so I'm not suggesting going online and finding stranger friends, but are there family out of state or out of the country he could communicate with on a regular basis? When we allowed our teens to have online friendships our main condition was that we could access any and all accounts/communications anytime. I do stalk my kids online  and they know it. It's not a favorable option for everyone, but so far it's worked for us. Can get mommy-intensive every now and then though.
Just giving some examples of what has worked here. I know this age can be really tricky and I really don't have all the answers, we're still feeling our way through it and praying, praying, praying that in the end we have young men that are God- and family-centered and whom we can be proud of.
Prayers for your ds and you.  Hang in there!
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stef
mom to five
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mamalove
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I am praying about how to find him some sort of apprenticeship, not necessarily for money, but for work experience outside the home. He really needs to see that the world works in ways much different from our home!
He is very involved in church serving, but that is about all our church offers at this point. There is a Dead Theologians society, which would be another lengthy drive on Sunday, but it might be worth it for him to have another outlet with other Catholic teens.
Yes, we do some online friends, mostly his church friends. They e mail and IM, which I am ok with.
uh oh, babys crying, gotta go. Thanks for the support. Teens are HARD!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 15 2012 at 11:23pm | IP Logged
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My oldest son is not quite 14 so some of this is stuff that I've been told by kind ladies with older sons that I'm trying to keep in mind around here.
One thing that can be hard to remember is that boys are trying to be men.
Which means pulling away from mom telling them what to do like the little boys.
Having Dad step in as the main giver of tasks and checker of tasks (when he gets home) can be very helpful from what I've heard.
They want meaningful *man* work. Whether they can say that's what they want or not.
Working hard is good for them.. whatever they work hard at. Whether it's splitting wood by hand, rototilling the garden, playing a sport, doing weight lifting, running, or even more sedentary tasks that require a lot of concentrationg and hard thinking.
BUT they're lazy. At least one lady here has said that one of the traits of these boys in transition is they're lazy.
Another group you might consider for him which only meets about once a week (unlike sports) is Boy Scouts lots of men teaching boys how to lead other boys.. great group and so many options for merit badges that there's something interesting for anyone.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Angie Mc
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I have 2 teen boys right now and I'm realistic. They are men in the making which means I need to become smaller so they can become bigger. I also need to be *very* clear about how I expect to be treated...I do not allow anyone to treat me poorly if I have any options. And it is my job to ensure that my little ones are treated well. So its this weird paradox of me becoming more tough and more tender, bigger and smaller, all at the same time.
According to my boys, who I just asked, they say, "He's not doing anything that bad. Give him some leash so he can make mistakes. Let him have fun or he'll be tempted to sneak fun...which may not be good fun. The biggest thing he needs to learn is that he needs to respect his parents, not necessarily agree with them, and never badmouth them, which is pathetic. That takes time."
So there it is. While that bar seems really low from a mom's perspective, it is pretty reasonable considering that all of our young men must take responsibility for their lives and learn through experience what is most important.
If you haven't had much practice being detached and firm with teen boy shenanigans, I'm happy to brainstorm ways to deal with them. Shout out some examples of scenarios that you are dealing with and we can throw out options to consider.
I absolutely *LOVE* mothering teens (not every day mind you) because of the challenge.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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mamalove
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I am considering enrolling him in the public schools virtual school so that he can join a sport team at our local highschool.
That is basically my only option for free outside social hard work activity that will not require me to drive 35 minutes one way 3-4 times a week.
I am very hesitant though, I have a horrible prejudice against public school children, I am worried that my son will pick up even worse behavior..ect and so is DH. But maybe this is another one of those things I need to be humbled about, since my ds is not a perfect catholic angel.
your boys are right Angie, he needs to have some more fun, or he will sneak fun. He already has done something very bad that I see was him trying to have some "fun" and because of that I see how critical it is that I figure this out. For the good of the rest of my children as well as ds's soul, I really need to give him something more.
DH was brainstorming last night on things they could do together, and putting activities on the calendar for them to do, but it still leaves me with the everyday task of keeping the boy busy learning to work.
Yes, these boys are lazy. His dad gives him farm chores and I give him house chores, but he needs more. Or he needs a school program that will keep him tied up for 6 or more hours a day...I am praying so hard about all of this, and I really thank you ladies for giving me hope from mamas who have been there already.
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mamalove
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Here is the scenario last night. We have 90 broilers to feed and take care of. We send ds out there to do the evening work. You basically have to pick up every one and put it in the tractor for the evening, and that was just WAY TO MUCH WORK for ds. It just couldn't be done according to ds. And besides, hed worked "all day" (cleaning the layers coop for about an hour before lunch)
and just got home from serving Mass....unfortunately it turned ugly....but again, a opportunity for ds and dh to apologize and be humble before one another, which they did.
But how to motivate him to do the things that he needs to do to keep busy....even the idea of lots of money in about 4 weeks when we butcher is not doing it. I had visions of him really taking this job by storm since it will have a financial outcome...
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CrunchyMom
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No real advice (my oldest is 8), but have you read the temperament God gave you? How about the 5 Love Languages (I think there is one specifically regarding Teens)?
Perhaps these resources will give you some insight into some of the underlying motives (or lack of motivation, perhaps due in part to temperament) and help you understand and address the relationship aspect of all this as you brainstorm practical solutions.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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JodieLyn
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There's also a change in how you tell a teen to do something. I couldn't say what it is this morning (I'm short on sleep again), I'm hoping Angie knows what I'm talking about. It's not that you don't tell them. It's how you talk to them when telling them.. the words, the tone etc. It's just different than with the younger kids.
Also I find it much harder to get them moving on something when they've been blobs for a bit than otherwise.. some sort of inertia thing 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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mommy4ever
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Mamalove,
I am so with you! My ds is 17, about to turn 18, and he is no where ready for the world. Along with dd15, 13 and 8. So eldest of a family of girls. He wants to be a man, but really is clueless I had a really bad weekend with all of them...but it's past now, and we're working on it.
When I have the best behavior from him, is when he is working. 2 years ago he began an apprenticeship through his highschool.(I only homeschool the youngest at this point, he did a few courses this fall, and about had me ripping my hair out). When he works, he's up at 5:30 comes home at 6, his energy(mental and physical) is near spent, and he's pretty relaxed. I think it's a balance of the right amount of physical and mental work.
One of my fellow homeschoolers here, has her boys start with fairly heavy yard work, chopping wood, shoveling snow, raking lawn, hauling water for animals. I used to have ds run for 15 to 20 minutes.
It does change their attitude.
You stated that he can IM and message some friends. This is something we allow as well. However, it gets restricted for bad attitudes and lack of completion of duties and school work. I'm amazed at how quickly this changes their attitudes. Just as they would be grounded from going to hang out with friends, the internet gets restricted. We have wireless and the kids have ipods. I have no issue with them listening to music while they work, but the temptation of online is too great, so the modem gets disconnected during chore times. It is amazing how kids come in at 4 pm... this is when table should be washed and set, dogs walked, livingroom tidied, it's always been the drill... But I end up cooking alone nothing being done. I unplugged that modem, and kids are upstairs "sorry, mom, got distracted", the work is done. If the modem was on, I could call, nag, yell, get frustrated and still nothing. Just a thought.
Ultimately, 14 is teen years, it's worse than the terrible two's. Remember the tantrums then? They wanted so much to do things on their own, but they didn't have the coordination? Teens are just big 2yos. But this time, they want to be independent, and they don't have what it takes yet, either the knowledge, common sense or patience. Usually it's one or 2 of them. And it leads to frustration, which comes out as a nasty attitude, and most times directed at mom 
After this weekend we had a family meeting. We called the teens on their ugly behavior. They knew better and were embarrassed on being called on it. Dh was doing most of the talking, asking them why they would obey him, yet ignore me. He pointed out all I have done for them, giving up a career to be home with them, driving them where ever they need to be, not having time for myself like some of their friends parents do, yet they treat their mom with disrespect. 3 sets of cheeks were quite red.
Attitudes changed since... for now. They'll need a reminder. Just as dh needs a reminder with ds17 tries to do something himself and messes up. too proud to ask for help because he doesn't remember or didn't know to start with.
Unfortunately, this is our first teen, and we're all learning.
it's so hard at times, I know. I think at times I can't wait until he moves out! Then feel very sad at the thought that he may move out..lol. It's part of parenting, and learning and growing... frustrating as all get out.
__________________
Mom to 4,
1 graduated June 2012
1 in Catholic school
2 homeschooled(one considering art school!)
ardently praying for a new addition to our family.
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Maureen
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I currently have 2 dd in their twenties. What helped them the most regarding socialization was being involved with a homeschooled teen group. It wasn't Catholic. (Unfortunately their Catholic peers from Catholic and public school often did not share the same values.) Many of these families were similar to us in what they allowed their children to do/watch. They had teen parties once a month where they played outside games, board games, hung out. All parties were chaperoned by 6-10 parents. Almost never any problems at all. (Btw: no boy/girl displays of affection allowed.)
Occasionaly they had a teen dance where swing and contra dancing were taught. Again, high standards here. No bad music or inappropriate behavior. (The dances were not anything like the typical teen dance.)
Overall, we stress never compromising values or submitting to the culture. Exposure to the good, exposure to the good, exposure to the good/contrasting it with the "not so good." Always explaining the philosophy of why we choose these goods, and why we reject the bad. We work within the culture/world, but work hard not to become "of" the culture/world. This, of course, is a challenge.
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Maureen, mom to 8 treasures
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stellamaris
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You are at a very challenging age with your ds. Having navigated these waters already a few times, I can tell you that my sons all went through a period sometime around 13-14 where they seemed so lazy and uninterested in anything. They didn't apply themselves to their work and didn't seem to want to be involved in anything for a time. Looking back, I have to wonder if this is not partially a result of the rapid changes occurring in their bodies at this age making them more tired and emotional than usual. Not to say you should do nothing to correct this behavior, just to let you know that, in my experience, it's not unusual to have a bit of rocky road at this age.
One thing that helped here was to begin to discuss with them their idea of the future. Where does he want to be in five years? ten years? What does he think he needs to do to fulfill that future vision? These teen years are the years during which you will hand over the reins to your son and it should be a gradual process. The first part of that process is to get him to accept responsibility for his own future and to understand that the things he does today will impact that future. For example, if he connects earning money to being able to fulfill his vision for the future, maybe he would find it easier to work for the money.
This was also the way we handled discussing going to school with the boys (I posted about this on another thread, which I can't find here). How would going to school fit in with their future plans? They considered this and decided to remain at home.
We did send one of our sons to a local military academy (I sure wouldn't let him board there!) for a semester because he simply would not cooperate or do any work for me at all. I mean, not even write a sentence. I explained to him that being homeschooled was a privilege and that if he didn't apply himself to his work, he would be going to the military academy. Well, he decided to test the waters! Even the first day he was to attend, he said, "Mom, you're joking, right?" We told him we would discuss him coming home when he had completed at least one semester with a 3.7 or higher with no discipline problems. I never woke him up--that was his responsibility. I did drive him to school when he was ready each morning. He got a 3.8 and decided to return home the next semester. He says today (he's now almost 22) that it was the best thing that ever happened to him and it taught him that actions have consequences and that I wouldn't just tolerate his resistant behavior. For this kid, it was the right thing to do, thanks be to God!
I think often we don't realize that teens do not have the mental skills in place to think into the future. We need to guide them specifically and coach them so that they begin to see how today's actions influence tomorrow's happiness.
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My problem is his attitude and grumpiness. I want to respond with gentleness, but I just don't like him when he acts this way! I have 4 younger children (all girls) and he really takes the joy out of my days sometimes.
I feel like a bad mother even admitting this and I feel like i have failed big time. |
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I think it is perfectly OK not to like your child when they act in a disrespectful or rude way. You still love him, you just don't like his behavior! And neither will anyone else, so you don't do him any favors by pretending it's OK. You are not a bad mom . Responding with correction and even firmness or a touch of anger is appropriate when his behavior is out of line. The world will not treat him gently when he acts like this, neither will his future boss or wife, so he needs to learn the consequences of his behavior now. You have to somehow communicate the seriousness of this kind of behavior and I think that's impossible to do if you are trying to be "gentle".
I'd try to set up some negative consequences for the poor behavior as well as find some kind of appropriate activity for him to participate in, if you can.
You don't mention how your dh deals with correcting your ds. Sometimes we moms, being a bit more tender, have a tendency to step in and "protect" our sons from their fathers. Unless your dh is really overreacting, may I suggest that you don't interefere and let him handle your ds's behavior? Especially if your ds is disrespecting you? Boys this age need the involvement and the strong hand of a father. I don't know if this is a problem for you, but I do know that it has been hard for me to step back and let the chips fall where they needed to fall--but it has been the best thing for our family in the long run.
Prayers for you and your family, mamalove!
__________________
In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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stefoodie
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I'm glad you mentioned scouts, Jodie. Was just coming back here to add that. My scouts have found some very good older male role models in scouts. And the kind of peer pressure found there is the good kind for the most part. That's something maybe dh would like to get involved in too. My dh is scoutmaster of our boys' troop. Esp. now that it's spring/summer, they get to do sooooo much -- helps eliminate restlessness and boredom, which often lead to bad behavior.
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stef
mom to five
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JodieLyn
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stefoodie wrote:
| I'm glad you mentioned scouts, Jodie. Was just coming back here to add that. My scouts have found some very good older male role models in scouts. And the kind of peer pressure found there is the good kind for the most part. |
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I'm glad you mentioned this again Stef. It's worth it to point out that role models aren't just the men running scouts but the older boys too. When you're a young teen, the good example of an older teen will feel much more reachable than the example of an older man.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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stellamaris
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JodieLyn wrote:
stefoodie wrote:
| I'm glad you mentioned scouts, Jodie. Was just coming back here to add that. My scouts have found some very good older male role models in scouts. And the kind of peer pressure found there is the good kind for the most part. |
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I'm glad you mentioned this again Stef. It's worth it to point out that role models aren't just the men running scouts but the older boys too. When you're a young teen, the good example of an older teen will feel much more reachable than the example of an older man. |
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I third this  . Scouts has been great for my boys.
__________________
In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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mamalove
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my dh and another young man have been throwing around the idea of starting a scout troop. I will have to encourage them to go for it.
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guitarnan
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Scouting is wonderful, with a good team of adults to oversee things and an enthusiastic group of Scouts to sign up for campouts and other events.
My Eagle Scout son would be the first person to tell you that making Eagle and going to Philmont changed his life.
Having said that, starting a troop is a big challenge. Check out your local troops and see if your son and his friend could join one of them before going through the process of starting your own.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: teenagers
