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mama2many
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| Posted: March 27 2012 at 9:21am | IP Logged
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sigh. my 3yo son has found his boy parts.. and kinda has an obsession, I don't know how to deal with this, any time he relaxes his hands go there. He says "Mama it's BIG" he doesn't say anything about it feeling good or bad, just tells me he wants it small again...I've told him that leaving it alone will help it go back to normal.  I don't have any clue how to deal with this, and our folks aren't going to be a good place to ask (MIL says he needs therapy and my mom would say to let him at it), so I thought of you ladies.
How do I explain this to him with out giving him 1) guilt or 2) TOO much info for a 3yo?!?!
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Krystin
wife to Kevin
mama to
M (12/00)
J (12/01)
K (6/06)
J (7/08)
A (7/10)
C (11/12)
My Clones in Action
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Mackfam
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| Posted: March 27 2012 at 10:01am | IP Logged
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Don't make it a big deal or act astonished. It's natural that he's becoming familiar with himself.
This is an area I let dad handle, and for a 3yo, this is pretty basic. We choose not to give them too much information, more than they can handle at their current age, so the discussion reflects their age. Dad explains that this is not a body part to play with, it is for going to the bathroom (right now - no need to go into any more detail at 3yo). We may clean it, and sometimes a young man has to adjust position because of binding undies, or a really hot day, but that's it. It's a private part, not to be shared with anyone else (including brothers/sisters). God made it private so we have nice clothes to wear. Sometimes mom or dad, or Dr. so-and-so may need to look at private areas just to keep you healthy, but that's it. No touching or playing with private parts unless it's to help in going to the potty. Ask if he understands that?
Where I step in is in the everyday:
For handling specific situations of inappropriate touching, simply be gentle, direct, and a little quiet (don't draw attention or make it a drama for other children to participate in) and say, "No touching in private areas please." If needed, I will redirect the hand. I immediately try to invite the child to another activity: puzzle, help me cook, play with a sibling, etc. We move on immediately. No dwelling, no drama, no calling unnecessary attention to the action. Redirect simply and move on. Repeat as necessary.
Another help is to be a little disciplined in terms of clothing. If a habit of indiscreet touching is beginning to develop, DO NOT draw attention to that habit making it a bigger issue than it is, do let dad discuss very simply, do back dad up in the everyday with gentle reminders of no touching in private areas, and consider dress as a help. I find that beginning a habit of tucking shirts in pants at a reasonable age can be a discouragement to indiscreet touching and a help. Boys resist tucking in. I know!!!! But, I find that it's only necessary for a short time (the constant tucking, that is) and it makes that area less accessible.
Also, keep children in play in common areas for keeping a watchful eye.
When he's a little older, dad will need to help him understand how to make "adjustments" discreetly. These are physically necessary for a young man, especially on hot days or in the case of undies that do not fit appropriately (if you see excessive adjusting, check undie size).
Hope that's a help, Krystin.
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
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organiclilac
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| Posted: March 27 2012 at 11:44am | IP Logged
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I think Jen's response is great! It's nice to have a place where this approach is expressed. When this came up on a local (non-Catholic) parenting list, I was the lone voice suggesting that one could discourage this behavior without turning one's son into a repressed deviant. 
The only thing that I'd add re: clothing is that I noticed my son was much more aware of things when he wore loose clothing like sweatpants. He was much less likely to have wandering hands in something like jeans.
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Tracy, wife to Shawn, mama to Samuel (4/01) and Joseph (11/11), and Thomas (2/15)
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 27 2012 at 11:52am | IP Logged
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Yes what Jen said. But I've also found that for those who need it.. that having to wash your hands (like you do after using the bathroom) is an additional deterant.. what toddler wants to have to interupt playtime to go wash hands anyway? 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Claire F
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| Posted: March 27 2012 at 1:53pm | IP Logged
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I was going to add hand washing as well. My four year old was putting his hands in his pants a lot not long ago. He wasn't touching anything, really - sometimes he'd put them down the front, sometimes down the back, or the sides. At his preschool, they started having him wash his hands each time he did it, and that helped a lot. He was doing it without much thought, but this made him think about where his hands were going.
I also agree with Jen's answer. That's exactly how we've handled it - that it is private, we don't share it with others, and we don't handle it unless we need to for going potty. Well fitting underwear can be a big help. Mine tend to mess with their stuff if they are uncomfortable.
Daddy can also help them learn how to tuck it right so if it does get a little erect, they can move it so it doesn't bother them as much. My boys both went through a phase at some point when they started to notice it was sticking out and Daddy showing them how to adjust it and put it in a more comfortable position was helpful.
We've taken a very relaxed, no big deal approach - but not in a "let them do whatever they want" way either. We're just fairly open about body parts and honest about explaining that some parts are private and there's no need to mess with them. Now I will whisper to my boys, "Hands off your stuff," and they stop. 
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Claire
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MamaFence
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| Posted: March 29 2012 at 9:17am | IP Logged
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What a good idea to add the hand-washing part. I think not only is it important to wash after, but if they have to be "adjusting", they should probably wash before-hand, too.
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Gina, mother to 4
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Theology of the body.. for toddlers?
