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Kathryn
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Ohhhh...I know I've posted plenty of times about my son so may be I'm just venting but why oh why are some children so.very.difficult?!?! Why do some children require 75% of our parenting energy?!?! He **KNOWS** how to behave but he's usually smarting off his mouth, being obnoxious or annoying to someone at some time and generally creating a most unpleasant home life here. Yesterday was pretty good and he was going to get to go to a friend's house today. DH has to work today and was going to drop him on his way to work. DS was doing chores all fine and then DH asked him to pick up something that he thought was not his responsiblity and he replied in a snotty tone "not on my watch". So, now DH said he can't go to friend's house. I'm not sure who's being punished more now (me or child) since DH isn't home today to help.  I'm sooo frustrated. Why can't DS just do what he's supposed to? Why does it seem he always has to run his mouth? Why does it seem to zap so much of my energy? When I lose my cool, obviously that takes energy. Then even when I'm TRYING to be calm, that takes energy. Any which way, this child zaps all my energy on so many levels and leaves me sooo exasperated!!
Ok, so now just since I'm sitting here, I hear oldest DD ask him to bring her the hair dryer and I hear "no, I'm not getting that for you". Now here's the 4 year old saying that DS is "making me clean up the rest of the living room". Well, it's 4 year old's mess but DH said he had to do EVERYONES chores so now DD 4 is crying b/c he's being rude to her.
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Kathryn in TX
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Angie Mc
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Deep breath, Kathryn  . I'm glad you came here to process this difficult situation. I, too, so need to process, process, process in a safe place, with experienced and kind people! And my dh really appreciates when I don't process at him all the time  .
My blink response is that he (assuming this is your 11yo) mouths off because he is in the habit of mouthing off. Not mouthing off may also, not be among your family's highest priorities. While you are facing your duties today, can you think about this question: Does our family want to make "No Backtalk" a high priority and a family rule? Are we willing to work together to make this a reality?
After pondering, you may conclude that you all have higher priorities. You may want to accept this (not like it) and focus on all your higher priorities and how you are happy meeting them.
Or you (all) may decide that you want to make developing this new family habit (with a special focus on this child) a high priority, perhaps even the highest priority. From there we can brainstorm here ways to make it happen and encourage you at your work!
Why are some children more challenging than others? You know the answer  ...because God knows what He's doing! He will most definitely give you the grace you need to find peace.
Cheering for you today!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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jawgee
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When I started reading your post I said to myself "I wonder if he's around 10YO?". Then I noticed that he's 11. I just wanted to say I understand.
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cathhomeschool
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Sending lots of hugs and prayers that the Holy Spirit will guide you all, Kathryn! My first thought when reading your post was one that has brought me much comfort: God in His infinite wisdom placed you, your dh and children together as a family for a reason. I believe that often that reason is to help the parents grow in virtue and see their own faults. He knew your son would have the strengths and weaknesses that he has and that you'd be the perfect parents to help him on the path to heaven. As for practical advice, I don't have any but love Angie's thoughts. You can't tackle every issue at once so focusing on something as a family I think would help. And Lent is right around the corner so it's a perfect time to reflect on stretching! Maybe visual reminders of whatever your high priorities are would help (notes around the house, sacrifice beads or pulling toothpicks out of the crown of thorns).
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JodieLyn
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Some of it is also a stage I think.. I've seen it with my nephew and my son, though older is also starting it. The young cockeral feeling rubbed the wrong way by not being king of the roost.  It doesn't excuse the attitude by any means. But it can help to recognize that even if the boys themselves don't know why they feel that way and to start transitioning to treating them more like young men than boys. Giving them harder work (in which they must work harder physically not necessarily more complex), important MAN work. And yes, I get attitude over the everyday household chores even though they see their dad doing them too, and very little if any over asking the boys to do "man things" like chopping wood.
Yes, they still need to do their inside chores but finding "man jobs", does help. Not to mention that a physical outlet is a big thing. Giving pushups for backtalk for instance may help more than just a deterant.. it also gives a physical outlet for the aggression.. running around the house or up and down the street or digging holes.. or whatever.
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Kathryn
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I try to remember that he's one boy amidst 3 girls and try to find the "man" jobs for him but oh it's just such a struggle...everything with him is a struggle from school work to house work to life. Trying to find the highest priority things to tackle is tough because I feel like so much of it encompasses this overall BAD attitude...backtalk, mouthing, groaning if he doesn't like something, rude to siblings etc.
He's probably done 100+ push ups this past week! And DH came home a few months ago to find a few holes in the back yard. I told DS to dig...just DIG because I needed him OUT OF THE HOUSE. And then there are laps. Ohh...I can't even tell you how many laps he's done up and down our street. May be I need to just make these all incorporated on his daily to do list before breakfast, lunch and dinner to make sure he's getting that physical outlet BEFORE he gets into trouble.
I'm inclinced to have DH buy a load of wood for him to chop but then I might worry about him cutting off a body part! It's times like this I really do wish we lived on a farm and I could send him outside to roam and wonder and work!
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Kathryn in TX
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JodieLyn
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Oh but the danger makes it such a desireable job We stand over them for a good while until we're sure they understand the safety rules.
And definately try giving him physical activity before other things. At one point I found it much easier to use a run to the end of the street and back between school subjects.. kept them from getting all skittery.. and when they came in it was easier to direct to the next subject. Physical workouts certainly don't need to be a punishment but something you do just because they are good to do.
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Kathryn
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JodieLyn wrote:
| Oh but the danger makes it such a desireable job |
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Oh, yeh, I certainly know how he would love this and that's why. Always pushing the envelope....
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Kathryn in TX
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Marcia
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I bet he can seem quite a shock to your system with a 13 year old girl as your first child! (((Kathryn))))
I hope your day got better.
The only thing that someone told me was to "be the iceberg". Have very clear expectations and then stick to them. Don't try to change things right in the middle of a heated moment. (This might be why things were charged for you today). I suspect your son is a very normal boy who needs to burn off energy by doing chores and playing hard.
I hope that you and your husband can find some ideas to try for the next time!
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JodieLyn
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Kathryn wrote:
| Always pushing the envelope.... |
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But this is what boys should be doing. Challenging themselves in all ways but especially physically.. just to attempt it.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Kathryn
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JodieLyn wrote:
But this is what boys should be doing. Challenging themselves in all ways but especially physically.. just to attempt it. |
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Does it help to say I was raised by a single mom for many years before she married my step-dad (who had no children) and my brother is 9 years older?! Not a lot of male influences around me. May be that's why in some ways I don't understand it. But then DH says "I wasn't like that". But then DH has a brother that is ***JUST*** like our son. In fact, he was named after him and I've "threatened" many times to take away his namesake if he pulls another stunt copied after dear brother-in-law. 
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Pilgrim
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Many ! I have almost posted myself lately just for prayers, because I struggle with our oldest dd in some similar ways, but it is mostly related to studies. She hates studies, and it can be pretty miserable trying to homeschool.
I know it was difficult that your dh had him stay home, because then all of you at home had to deal with a stinky attitude the rest of the day, but it is so good that your husband did that, and didn't let him get away with the bad attitude. Boys really need their Dad to stand up and say, "you are not going to act this way". At first, they may really try to buck their Dad's stand against it, but over time they will usually come to respect his place of authority. Kid's, no matter which gender, usually respect and listen to Dad's authority more than Mom's, by the nature of the fact that fathers are the strength of the family, and mothers are the heart of the family.
Praying for you in this parenting difficulty, as I know how it is to have that one who is more difficult to deal with than any other. I've seen it in my own siblings, and I deal with it frequently here. And I do think some of the sassiness/attitude does develop around this age.
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JodieLyn
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It's kinda funny how discussions of boys come up at the end of winter not quite spring. About the time all of us are probably getting a bit stir-crazy and makes the issues seem amplified.
Did you join in on the discussion last year of Boys Should Be Boys? Lots of good info there that you might enjoy reading through. (I may go back and read it again myself. )
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Becky Parker
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Kathryn wrote:
I'm inclinced to have DH buy a load of wood for him to chop but then I might worry about him cutting off a body part!
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Our boys don't chop the wood, they just move the pile! It helps the grass underneath!
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10 Bright Stars
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My thoughts on boys? Think about it...traditionally, boys would have been running a farm or at least working really hard at one in the past. They led lives of extreme activity ALL DAY long. Now, they sit around doing school ro reading, maybe even watch t.v. or play video games. I can see a big difference in my oldest son, who used to be fairly agressive when he was a little younger and frustrated acting, to the boy of today. The difference? He started riding his bike like crazy and lifting weights. He is MUCH more calm now and notices if he does not exercise that he starts to feel tense or agitated. My second son NEEDS to start this exercise program as he is currently very frustrated!! Try encouraging physical activity. I would not demand it though because if he is in a difficult stage, he might just buck you for the heck of it. But, if you can find him doing something good, say, "You know, I think I am going to let you have a break to go ride your bike or jump on the tramp for a "solid 30 minutes." Then, he will see it as a treat. Also, does he have stuff to do outside?? If not, maybe think of providing him with an outlet. Chopping wood, building a fort...digging a hole to nowhere. :>) Good luck. My husband always says, "Men weren't meant to be indoors when they can be outside." Makes sense to me. He even gets stir crazy when he is home on vacation for a few days. He has to go out and do something. So outside and exercise. Also, watch artificial colors or possible food allergies.
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Kathryn
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I went and checked out the book Raising your Spirited Child that was mentioned on another thread a few weeks back. Actually I think my DD 4 is waaaay more spirited than her brother. Well, and I probably am myself which is why my reactions and frustration level tends to be greater than the norm. May be my boy is...just a BOY! It's interesting though that although I wouldn't call him "spirited" based on the concepts of this book, he is still a far greater challenge but just in a different way.
I'm really going to ensure he gets that physical outlet morning, noon and night. He usu. gets quite a bit in the late afternoon/evening when the neighbor kids come home but I need to make sure it happens during school hours too.
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Kathryn in TX
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JodieLyn
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Kathryn something else you may want to consider when looking at activities for your boy. Just playing around often isn't "hard work". If he's not sweating doing it, it's not intense/strenuous enough. Now the hard work can be play.. like playing tag or riding your bike hard or sports are a good example too or actual work like digging or wood stacking or snow shoveling. It's not just the activity level but the intensity of the play/work that makes the difference.
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SeaStar
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My ds is also a challenge in many of the ways you mention. He can be a real stinker at times.
He is 9, and I find it ironic that a few weeks ago he invented a new game that he plays with his favorite stuffed baseball mascot. it's called "Notice Me". He brings the mascot in the car and holds it up to the window trying to get other drivers to "Notice Me".
Which is all no help to you except that now we tend to call all bad behavior a case of "Notice Me", which I think it really is. Ds is put out or feels unjustly treated or just wants the world to know he is unhappy. He wants everyone to "Notice Me" and feel his pain.
We are working on coming up with ways to express feelings without being obnoxious. Some days are better than others.
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Kathryn
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Angie Mc wrote:
My blink response is that he (assuming this is your 11yo) mouths off because he is in the habit of mouthing off. Not mouthing off may also, not be among your family's highest priorities. While you are facing your duties today, can you think about this question: Does our family want to make "No Backtalk" a high priority and a family rule? Are we willing to work together to make this a reality?
After pondering, you may conclude that you all have higher priorities. You may want to accept this (not like it) and focus on all your higher priorities and how you are happy meeting them.
Or you (all) may decide that you want to make developing this new family habit (with a special focus on this child) a high priority, perhaps even the highest priority. From there we can brainstorm here ways to make it happen and encourage you at your work!
Why are some children more challenging than others? You know the answer ...because God knows what He's doing! He will most definitely give you the grace you need to find peace.
Cheering for you today!
Love, |
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In considering these words, I feel like there are so many "HIGH" priorities with this child because the habits are all so disruptive, so annoying not only to me but also to my (typically) laid back DH and oldest DD as well as everyone else. I feel like if he is causing the rise in "emotional temperature" of typically calm and easy-going personalities, it's no wonder that my high-wire personality goes into overdrive over these things. And so why do I ***NEVER*** feel like there's God's grace in getting through to this child and finding peace. I pray and seek and ask the Holy Spirit to guide me and I do get baby steps of wisdom but overall, I'm usually brought to extremes (extreme anger or extreme tears) by this child in not only his attitude but also my reaction and thoughts regarding him and his attitude.
Here are a few examples over the past week of things that bother us all and have bothered us over YEARS and yet there's never been a resolution:
1) He is *constantly* pushing buttons...literally and figuratively. Whether the tv remote control, home phone (beep, beep every sound), picking up our cell phones, turning lights on/off, the buttons on the car automatic doors, the garage door opener, the bell at the fabric counter WHILE the lady was helping us and kept looking at him after I kept saying "STOP pushing the bell, she's already helping us." Then he kept picking up all the pins in her magnet case and playing with them. The button on the kitchen faucet sprayer while we're doing dishes and therefore squirting water across the floor. Picking and poking at his sister's and their things...pick, pick, pick. On and on and on and on about things he won't STOP touching! KEEP YOUR HANDS to YOURSELF!!!!!!!!
2) ****Constantly***** redirecting him to do his tasks from basic eat your breakfast, brush your teeth to math to reading to whatever lesson at hand. He makes what SHOULD be a 10-15 minutes job, lesson etc. take 5x as long dragging everyone else down because he won't move along.
3) Turning on the tv and/or computer without permission....again, constant, constant, constant. He's had privileges revoked, not allowed to go to friend's houses because of it, not allowed to have friend's over, not allowed upstairs and yet every.single.second he can possibly sneak it by us, he does it. I've taken away the internet key (which he was taking to play his video game), I took his web cam he got for Christmas, I've taken his favorite Zoo Tycoon game, I've taken his Nintendo. Again...all his favorite "button pushing" things but when you roll out of bed and go upstairs to watch cartoons or play your video game, you lose privileges for the day. It's like he can NEVER earn privileges.
Ok...those are 3 I'll address now and see if you have any suggestions. And as always, prayers certainly appreciated.
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anitamarie
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I know your son is not autistic, but one thing jumped to mind when you talked about his need to touch things. Maybe you could keep something in his hands to keep them busy. Like some of these things.
One of my friends did this for her son, and it helped with the fidgets.
The sneaking away is just disrespect, defiance and disobedience. The deadly D's. We do essays or sentences for stuff like this. We had one child who wrote an essay on these so many times, he asked if he could just photocopy it and hand it to us. Your ds has not learned to delay gratification (like so many of us ). He will have to learn that skill. Make it more painful for him to be disobedient. If he's still doing it, it's not painful enough. One of my ds had every privilege taken away for several days last month, including Lego Club at the library, before it sunk in that school is first, chores second, fun time third. In fact, we are having to learn that again this week.
When someone is not ready to do the group work here, they have three choices: either drop what they are doing and come join us, or miss it and make it up on the weekend with Dad or take a 0 for a grade. There are two things I cannot abide : lying to me and wasting my time.
The other thing is to set a timer and start it counting upwards whenever they are wasting time. The child then gets to sit in his room or another suitably boring place (such as right next to Mom)and do nothing for every minute wasted after the schoolwork and chores are actually completed.
Just a few ideas. I have to run and corral the boys again now. He will probably be your most challenging child, but God gave him to you for both your benefits.
Anita
Some of it is, like you said above, being a boy. It has gotten cold here and my boys are fidgety and bouncing off each other and the walls. The noise and activity level is unbelievable and, for me, it elevates the stress level.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: The difficult child
