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amyable
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| Posted: April 21 2006 at 12:43pm | IP Logged
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Or is it whom? 
Maybe it is my lack of sleep, maybe it is just having four strong willed girls close in age, but I find that I am having difficulty in making choices when I'm getting input from all sides. Since I'm not explaining this well, let me give an example.
We are eating lunch, having just been to the library to get some books and DVDs. The 8yo asks if we can watch "The Life of Birds" after lunch. The 6yo says, "NO! I don't want to watch that, it's too (long, boring, whatever)! I want to watch (fill in the blank)." At this point I'm thinking, "Hey, I didn't even say we'd watch ANYTHING and now I'm going to make enemies no matter what I do...say no TV or pick one video over another."  The baby is even walking around right now with a Signing Time video and she isn't even 1yo yet!
My oldest pesters and negotiates, my 2nd sulks and pouts and make you sure you really DON'T love her 'cause you treat her so horribly...what with not letting her watch her choice of video and all ...my 3yo throws the tantrum you wouldn't believe (except maybe you Karen E, I've heard you have one of those too )...
...and I'm left wanting to put my head under a rock.
If this were an infrequent occurance, it wouldn't be so bad. But it seems to happen ALL the time and I'm not exaggerating, if Kid A picks one thing, Kid B will 95 times out of a hundred pick something else. They are just very different people. Now there is Kid C and D to think about (and hopefully someday Kids E, F, and G!)
How do you do it ladies? Do you just decide in the moment who will "win" this time or do you have some kind of system? Am I just pathetically sleep deprived and this really isn't an issue in other homes? 
I guess I feel like I need some kind of system, because this harping on me is causing way too much stress! I want to be flexible, I want to say yes as much as possible. But my yes to one child inevitably means a "no" to someone else. 
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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JSchaaf
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| Posted: April 21 2006 at 1:23pm | IP Logged
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We have this problem. Lately I've been setting a timer for 5 minutes and if they can't agree on a DVD then we don't watch anything. Problem is, I have a 5 yo who gives in-sometimes I want her sisters to agree to her choice! The other thing I've done is schedule TV time-and pick out and announce the DVD in the morning. If they don't like my choice then they can do something else. I try to rotate between what I know each girl would choose.
When they fight about the TV it drives me crazy and makes me want to throw the thing out the window!
Jennifer
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Bridget
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| Posted: April 21 2006 at 1:50pm | IP Logged
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Can you make a list ahead of time for the week? That way when it's time for a DVD, read aloud, snack or whatever, you just do the next one on the list. That way everyone has had some input and you don't have to figure out what is fair and there's really nothing to argue about. The plan is already set.
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: April 21 2006 at 2:09pm | IP Logged
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The children receive help from me about how much and when and categories (educational, entertainment) to watch tv. Then they make a list, plugging in their picks, that is posted at our tv. They mark off their pick when finished. If you have a 7yo like mine who likes to make viewing decisions at the last minute, we just plug in, "Ian picks."
The key for me is to delegate as much of this to them as possible. I tell them that if it becomes my concern then I simple turn the tv off. Now they see themselves as a team who needs to work together if they are to watch anything because as mama would say, watching tv is an extra, a privilege, something to be grateful for  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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marihalojen
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| Posted: April 21 2006 at 2:24pm | IP Logged
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amyable wrote:
| If this were an infrequent occurance, it wouldn't be so bad. But it seems to happen ALL the time and I'm not exaggerating, if Kid A picks one thing, Kid B will 95 times out of a hundred pick something else. |
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I had such a laugh with this! My two youngest sisters are day and night, black and white, we'd even use their names as opposites when learning fast and slow, stop and go...They are 15 and 17 now and haven't changed a bit. Spoke with Dad over the weekend and he said his new policy is to send the grumpy one back to bed and take the cheerful one to the beach or hiking, good one on one time.
I know this doesn't help with the DVD selection but it is so much more than that, right? I don't have a brilliant solution for you, you can plan and be super organized, try charts and timers, or even make a wooden die with their names on the sides and roll it for the answer. (Then the pressure is off Mom's shoulders!)
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~Jennifer
Mother to Mariannna, age 13
The Mari Hal-O-Jen
SSR = Sailing, Snorkling, Reading
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Martha
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| Posted: April 21 2006 at 2:48pm | IP Logged
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Each of my dc have "their days"... let me explain how it works.
I assign days to each child. Everyone gets the same number of days a month. When it's their "day", they get the little specials throughout the day. So let's say we're eating cookies and everyone had 3 and now there's only 1 cookie left - it goes to whoever's day it is. If we're picking a movie - it's up to whoever's day it is. They still have to do their chores and life as usual - they just get the little perks on their day, whatever those perks may be. This has resolved I don't know how many petty arguements for our family.
I've heard some people use a day of the week, but I picked days of the month. This way no one feels slighted for always getting Mondays or favored for always having Saturday. No trading or negotiating days!
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Martha
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Meredith
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| Posted: April 21 2006 at 2:49pm | IP Logged
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Angie Mc wrote:
| The key for me is to delegate as much of this to them as possible. I tell them that if it becomes my concern then I simple turn the tv off. Now they see themselves as a team who needs to work together if they are to watch anything because as mama would say, watching tv is an extra, a privilege, something to be grateful for |
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This tends to be my method in a round about way as well. I do not encourage any tv, so it has to really be somewhat special for them to ask to watch something.
Now with my 4 yo, he tends to get more of his choices as the one to watch as he is the most interested in his DVD's and videos, ie. Bob the Builder!!, There goes a Dump Truck, etc. Sometimes I let them watch a partial video like the Puppet Show from Sound of Music, it feels like they've had a little treat and then I go tell them to play the Von Trapps or make up their own show! Usually works, but it's not fail safe, sometimes you just can't please everyone HTH a little!
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Meredith
Mom of 4 Sweeties
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teachingmom
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| Posted: April 22 2006 at 12:11am | IP Logged
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It sounds like my girls don't feel quite as strongly about some things as you are describing, Amy, but I tend to use a combination of strategies when the girls just can't solve those sorts of problems on their own. For movies or board game decisions, it is usually by majority vote. Unfortunately, one dd in particular often is the odd one out who is most often outvoted. She finds that very frustrating at times.
In other things, I might do a rotation to be fair. That usually settles most complaints.
But thinking honestly about it, I have to admit that sometimes "the squeaky wheel gets the grease." Often my oldest dd gets her way because she has a strong personality, is very vocal about her opinions, and, well, because being the oldest lends her some authority with the others. On the other hand, my youngest (3yo) also gets her way often, because it's easier to make her happy than to listen to her being unhappy. (Boy she'll be in for a shock when she's not the baby anymore!) The middle three tend to be a bit more laid back, so they are more willing to compromise. I do the rotation method mostly for their benefit.
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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Leonie
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| Posted: April 22 2006 at 12:22am | IP Logged
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We make lists - okay, let's write down all your ideas and today we'll pick one and next time another.
That sort of thing.
Our biggest problem is with our take away dinner treats - NOBODY wants the same thing! I want Indian or Chinese, dh wants Italian, one son wants fish n chips, another fast food and on it goes.
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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Karen E.
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| Posted: April 22 2006 at 8:11am | IP Logged
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The above are all great responses.
amyable wrote:
| ...my 3yo throws the tantrum you wouldn't believe (except maybe you Karen E, I've heard you have one of those too )... |
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It's so funny I stopped in here this morning and saw this. I often don't read the "More the Merrier" thread because I don't think we qualify as a large family, and sometimes I just come away from threads sad that we started so late and had so many miscarriages. I don't mean to hijack the thread into a "poor Karen" one ... no, no, no ... just saying that I don't often stop here, and today I did and found your reference to my "unique" little sweetie. Funny.
Anyway,
amyable wrote:
| Am I just pathetically sleep deprived and this really isn't an issue in other homes? |
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You probably are pathetically sleep deprived, but this is still an issue in other homes. 
Most of my answer will sound like an echo from above, as I do a lot of the same kinds of things.
Around here, my girls are getting so much better about negotiating, but we first had to wade through the process, with me intervening often and teaching them how to compromise. When they are allowed to choose a video, if they begin to fight, I remind them that if they can't agree on something, we just won't do it. So, how do we avoid always having the strongest personality win? That's where my guidance and interference come in.  At first, I helped them negotiate all the time, reminding them of who got her way the last time, or offering ideas such as lists, rotations, etc. These days, I mostly eavesdrop on the negotiations, or only intervene if I see that they've come up with a really unfair solution. They really will get better at it, Amy. Right now, by teaching them how to compromise you're equipping them to do it more independently down the road.
A funny side note: I love how these "big words" will creep into the little one's vocabulary. My 3 yo often confuses "compromise" and "concentrate." My big girls will sometimes say they'd like to go in my bedroom to read or do math, or whatever, so they "can concentrate." Kate picked up on that and one day said, "I'm going to Mommy's room! I can't compromise in here!"
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Karen E.
mom to three on earth, and several souls in God's care
Visit my blog, with its shockingly clever title, "Karen Edmisten."
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momwise
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| Posted: April 22 2006 at 11:49am | IP Logged
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I have been wanting to post a similar complaint for some time now. I have been racking my brain ever since I saw a Super Nanny wall chart made up of little colored houses. The family members made up teams who had to cooperate to get points in their "house." Problem was, I only see about 4 min. of Super Nanny and I didn't get the details about how to work these charts.
We need something badly here. Pathetic, but even with a 14 & 16 yr. old, (or maybe it's because of them?) we have to arrange everything from seating in the van to who answers the phone (the kids actually made their own schedule for that and they stick to it like glue). Another sticky issue to throw in is one child who must get there first, fastest, best, etc. and never lets charity get in the way of winning, kwim?
I'm with Angie about tv....if you can't agree on a video, there will be no video. On the other points, I'd sure like to work out the details of these charts. One thing I was thinking was a mark for any team work but one of the dc has to put up the marks for another; instead of everyone vying for me to notice, does that make sense? However I'm wondering if the one dc who always notices everyone elses good deeds (anyone care to guess which gender that might be? ) might fill up the chart for everyone else. Oh well.....this is one idea that may not work out unless I can get it to come in more clearly. I'll be watching for other ideas!
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Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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teachingmom
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| Posted: April 22 2006 at 10:51pm | IP Logged
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momwise wrote:
| We need something badly here. Pathetic, but even with a 14 & 16 yr. old, (or maybe it's because of them?) we have to arrange everything from seating in the van to who answers the phone (the kids actually made their own schedule for that and they stick to it like glue). |
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I'm laughing about the "who answers the phone" list. I can just picture my girls doing something like that on their own. For a long time we had a written list of who got to sit next to me on the couch for read aloud each day. If not for the list, we would have spent far too much time (and way too much of my daily allotment of patience ) on deciding whose turn it was.
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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ALmom
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| Posted: April 28 2006 at 11:02pm | IP Logged
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Well, guys, around here I wouldn't be able to keep up with whose turn, etc. I read How to talk so Kids will Listen and How to Listen so Kids will Talk. It was great - and if you need to laugh heres a story from the book. The mom was cleaning out the freezer and throwing chunks of ice for her two girls to play with. Each thought the other had more and the mom was desperately throwing ice trying to even the piles until she realized how ridiculous it all was and starting laughing hysterically.
When I was growing up my siblings and I were the VERY WORST. We even tried to keep track of who set next to the window on the plane last year (and kept it up for the 7 years we lived overseas). We couldn't even really remember, let alone my parents. Folks were always worried about giving us the same gifts, etc. So we had identical nightgowns, identical dolls, etc. We must have driven my parents nuts. I knew somehow that trying to please all dc myself just wouldn't work. No one ends up feeling special.
Well, between my personal experience as a child which convinced me of the impossibility of being "fair" in terms of everything the same and the book mentioned above, we have attempted to not worry about equality so much as serving the real needs of dc. When dc fought over things like that at younger ages, I simply asked what they wanted/needed - but had them express to each other and then lead them through diplomatic questions to come to a joint decision that left everyone happy. I also found that being decisive often stemmed the tide. IE if we are going to a restaurant as a treat - dh and I chose and tell. It would take too long to negotiate through 6 people's favorites to come up with one that has food everyone likes (unless of course it is one child's special occassion (ie celebrating some accomplishment) in which case the honored child gets to chose. If it is a matter of selecting a movie - I would generally do as was mentioned above: they must come to mutual agreement and come to me with everyone satisfied with the decision. I will privately ask dc if they are content with the results - or help a younger dc communicate if there is a need but otherwise I stay out of the deal. When the boys have gotten into some major fights, I do ask each what happened and at first they usually accuse each other. Then I will ask a question : Do you know why so and so thought you did so and so? (No accusations coming from me - I really don't know anything) and generally help them get to the bottom of it. They are all reconciled with each other in short time. The questions are asked with all on the sofa so everyone hears everyone else - sometimes they just need a translator for 3 yo logic, etc. and the olders are fine as they know that I know the story doesn't always come out straight from the youngers. It takes a bit more time and patience in the early years - but by the time they are in elementary they are solving 99% or more totally without me. They get the message that we are a family and we try to come up with answers, solutions, things to do, etc. that are mutually beneficial to the family as a whole. I try to meet needs, I love them all but each in the unique ways they need.
I hope this helps.
Janet
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Deciding who to favor
