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SarahCD
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| Posted: Dec 02 2011 at 3:50pm | IP Logged
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I hope this is the right spot for this question/concern ...
My oldest daughter is 9yo. She is really going through a rough patch right now, and I am at a loss for what to do. I know I have been too hard on her, expecting too much. I do think I expect her to behave a certain way by now, and as much as she wants to be older, she is pretty immature for her age. I have this idea in my head of what 9 “should” look like, and she is not there. (You know things like wanting to help with baking, being more helpful, lending a hand to a younger sibling, reading a story to the twins.) I think this is probably unfair of me, and I am trying really hard to embrace her for where she is at ... and at the same time help her get through some of these obstacles. Here are a few of the issues we are dealing with:
* sneaking food ... and lying about it.
* bullying and teasing her younger siblings.
* not being very helpful or encouraging of her young siblings.
* resisting chores or responsibilities.
* outbursts and tantrums.
I could go on. But I don’t want to focus too much on her faults. I am trying to remain hopeful that the good girl God made her to be is going to shine through one of these days! I know she is down on herself about all of this, too, but she doesn't seem to be trying either. I know she thinks I am “mean.” Maybe I am! But I am determined to help her. But I can’t help but *feel* disappointed.
At the same time, it isn’t fair to the rest of my children to focus so much on one child. Whether it’s positive or negative attention, she is still getting a lot of it right now. So, this situation is effecting our entire family. And being that she is the oldest, I think it's dragging the younger ones down, too.
The bottom line is that my heart is breaking right now for my little girl.  I worry that I messed up somehow, and maybe I have. But I am trying to remain hopeful and trust in God's saving grace.
If you have ANY ideas on what to do or where to even begin, I would appreciate it! But most of all, please keep this situation in your prayers!
Thank you!
Sarah
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Sarah
wife to G
mom to  dd 9, dd 8, dd 6, ds 4, dd 4 and ds 1
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Elena
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| Posted: Dec 02 2011 at 5:13pm | IP Logged
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I can tell you that my oldest son acted like that when he was older and now, at age 22, he comes over to seek out and play video games with his younger brothers!
Maybe it would be best to focus on one thing at a time - I would tackle the outbursts and tantrums first - she's a little old for that at age 9 (although I just saw my 16-year-old neighbor girl have one last week!)  Focus on those first and see if maybe you can get her to come along side of you to help herself.
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Elena
Wife to Peter, mom of many!
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Maryan
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| Posted: Dec 02 2011 at 5:22pm | IP Logged
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I try to do the painful chore alongside my kids (hard with a baby though!) if they are getting despondent. They seem to like that.
I also try to make sure I'm spreading the wealth when it comes to chores and give privileges with them. For example, my oldest has to carry a bigger chore load, so he gets to stay up late to play a game with Dad every once in a while. Or watch the first quarter of a Sunday night football game.
I also try to do one-on-one dates (with all my kids) and include confession and holy hour (or part) if they are of the age.
And I love David Isaacs, Character Building book. It lays out different virtues for different age levels. It's a go-to reference/inspiration when I'm at my wits end!
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Maryan
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JennGM
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| Posted: Dec 02 2011 at 6:12pm | IP Logged
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I don't have a 9 yo, but I'm dealing with a little bit of your stuggles. Recommended by two of my sisters, I'm reading Taking Charge by Jo Ann Nordling. I'm not through the book yet, but your point about the positive and negative attention echoes something she points out. If you find a way to give attention in small ways in neutral behavior -- behavior that is neither positive nor negative, such as playing, eating dinner, reading, just normal daily stuff -- this helps the child be reassured of love and attention and not try to seek out attention.
It made a lot of sense. So just giving a love pat, a smile, etc. in these times can fill the child's "emotional bank account".
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
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Angie Mc
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Sarah, you are not alone  . I was in a similar pickle with my oldest at that age. She is 19 now and doing really, really well. What I learned is that God is truly in control. My children are HIS children. He will provide all graces needed for the salvation of all of our souls.
So be gentle with yourself. You are a great mom! You don't need to be a perfect mom - no such thing. *You* and your example of love, devotion, and humanness is exactly what your girl needs.
Try not to worry about her future. Try to find ways to enjoy her each day...to really meet here where she is at. Try not to be surprised by her behaviors (I'm SO guilty of this). Just keep handing her over to God...over and over.
I need to go pick up my son from baseball practice. I didn't have time to go into practical helps, but will ponder and hopefully come back to post. If I don't, I thought the most important thing was to give you a big and assure you of my prayers.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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SallyT
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| Posted: Dec 02 2011 at 9:48pm | IP Logged
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Nine is a tough age. I have a nine-year-old son right now, and . . . whew. But he's another story.
What I wanted to say is that for girls, particularly, nine is when you often begin to see hormonal turbulence which certainly doesn't help a girl's attitude any. My oldest daughter, who's now 17, away at college, and mostly really delightful, was kind of a horror show at 9. We had a lot going on in our life at the time, which I think exacerbated a number of acting-out behaviors, but in general she was probably at her lowest point in terms of being a Nice Person to Live With. She was merciless to her next-younger brother, criticizing everything he did; fortunately the other children were a toddler and a baby, and she doted on them, which was a saving grace. We didn't have a lying issue with her, but aside from her behavior to her brother, she did resist pretty much anything we wanted her to do, and her angry outbursts were frequent and pretty explosive.
The good news is that as I'm writing this, I feel as though I'm writing about some other child than the one I've known for a good many years now, who is as a general rule very nice, very loving to all her siblings (the brother she used to pick on is now her best friend), very responsible and trustworthy. The bad news is that I don't really know of anything that I did as a parent which made her turn out this way, except to keep loving her and try to remain calm. She was a fairly early developer, physically, though, and began her cycles at 10, so I really do think that that hormonal unsettledness had a lot to do with how difficult she was at the time. I think that the year or so (or maybe even more) leading up to the onset of puberty is far worse for girls than the actual onset -- it just seems like endless PMS. Nine to eleven were the toughest years for my daughter; once she hit 12 or 13, she really evened out, and her teenage years have been largely a cakewalk. Again, I really can't take credit for this and have no useful advice. All I can say is that maturity seems to help more than just about anything else.
Meanwhile, I guess I'd repeat what Angie says: look for things to love in her daily, respond to the good things you see in her, and do your best to Keep Calm and Carry On. And be hopeful! What you're seeing in her is *now.* It's not her future. That's in God's hands.
Hang in there!
Sally
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SallyT
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Oh, I also wanted to say that I think for many, many children, nine is difficult because they're so betwixt and between: they're not little kids any more, though they sometimes kind of still want to be, and they're not teenagers, though they're close enough that they either see what older kids can do (I've seen this in both my middle kids so far) or if they don't have older siblings, seem to have some instinctive sense that they *should* have more freedom and autonomy, even if they have no clue what they ought to do with freedom and autonomy.
You know how books about babies and toddlers always focus on those points when a child is about to master a new physical skill: sitting up, crawling, walking? And how their frustration levels peak at those times -- the Gesell Institute books use the term "disequilibrium," which I've always thought was perfect. Nine seems to me, in my experience with three nine-year-olds so far, to be the older child's version of an intense disequilibrium period, when they're on the brink of bigger and better things, but not really ready for them yet. Even if they don't know what it is that they want to do, they seem to have a drive towards something, in the same way that a baby is driven to pull up to stand, even in the middle of the night, and is fussy and cranky until he masters that milestone. The nine-year-old is often the same way, it seems to me, but on a nine-year-old level, which is a lot more sophisticated verbally and cognitively but still not very good at self-control.
I know that it helps me to deal with my older children at these stages to pull out the kind of thinking I used when as babies and toddlers they were being sort of unbearable to live with (in their cute baby and toddler way, of course), and to remember that a lot of what goes on with them now still has its roots in something developmental. Typing this, in fact, is serving as a useful reminder to myself to look at my current nine-year-old this way . . . it would help both of us a lot if I did!
Sally
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Erin
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I found nine the hardest years with my oldest dd, now my second dd is 10 and we have days that are rather deja vu. Nine is a difficult age for girls in my experience. Passive aggressive behaviour that drives me wild.
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jawgee
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| Posted: Dec 03 2011 at 7:08am | IP Logged
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I could have written your post. Other than the lying, we deal with all of those things.
No advice, since I'm in the midst of it, too. I can commiserate, though!!
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Monica
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Jenn Sal
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| Posted: Dec 05 2011 at 10:07am | IP Logged
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Sarah, are you sure you're not talking about my 10 yo daughter?  You describe her perfectly.
Only have time to say..YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I will try to get back with some support. I don't really have answers, but very glad you started this post.
I will offer up for you today, with each challenging moment. 
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Jennifer, Texas
Wife to Mark, Mom to Cora 13,Kade 10, Sarah in Heaven 12/05, Colette 7, Corin 5, & Kieran 2
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SarahCD
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| Posted: Dec 08 2011 at 2:45pm | IP Logged
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Thank you so much for your words of support and encouragement! I am sorry I haven't replied sooner ... I can tell you that I read your messages often, and they are a source of strength and comfort to me. It is hard when a child is struggling ... It truly breaks a mother's heart. I can't help but wonder "How did this happen?" I am trying to meet her where she's at and simply embrace her for where she is, encouraging her in the important things of life ... But it is exhausting and discouraging more often than it is hopeful. At least at the moment. I think some of what I posted about here has to do with the tone she is setting for the rest of our family (as the oldest). Of course it's not all her fault. We're all part of this family, and we all contribute at some level. The Lord knows I have made plenty of mistakes as a mother! (Ugh!) But our family unity is broken right now, and it is hard to be enthusiastic about home education when it seems like most of what I am focusing on during the day is discipline. I do not want to give up, though, because I think I would be running away from what I truly need to do: get our family back on track! The Lord can use all of this for good, and I trust that He is allowing this tiny suffering to show us how important it is to run to Him with everything and trust in His saving grace. Thank you again for your prayers and your understanding. Advent blessings of peace and joy to all of you!
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Sarah
wife to G
mom to dd 9, dd 8, dd 6, ds 4, dd 4 and ds 1
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Dec 08 2011 at 4:05pm | IP Logged
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Thanks for replying, Sarah . I know you are FULL!
I did ask my 19yo dd for some practical tips for you. She said 2 quickly:
Ask, "How is this loving?" I must have asked my dd this a million times connected to her less than kind behavior...and honestly I didn't think it sunk in much then. Now she teases me with, "How is that kind and loving, Mom?" Somehow it meant a lot to her. Who knew?! Perhaps you are repeating some special thought to your dd right now that is planting a seed of love and you don't even realize it?!
Teach her (and the whole family) how to make amends. I wrote about how our family does it here on my old blog in 2006.
And here's another tip from me. Hang with people who get your dd. My dd is very intense, spirited, quirky, and difficult. Seriously, she was born that way. And I praise God that she was/is! I'm a much more humble mother/person because of her. For years I thought *she* was all about *me*...and what I did or didn't do. I was wrong. She was/is a very special person and God made her this particular way for His purposes. Who am I to worry about that? Children aren't clay we mold (although we can do our best to help them be like Christ) as much as people to love. If it wasn't for my dd, I'm sure I would think I was a fabulous mom with all the answers because my children after her were relatively a breeze. Now I know the truth  .
Keep fighting the good fight...the one for your family's souls! I'm cheering you onto victory because we, too, spend the vast majority of our time on character formation. I'm OK with that now  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: 9yo Struggles
