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CrunchyMom
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How do you keep yourself from taking things personally and reacting defensively. Lately, I feel like every question out of my boys' mouths is an accusation.
For example, I was just cleaning the kitchen and trying to put away the leftover cookies from the potluck last night (which I can't eat anyway because they have dairy--I MADE cookies I can't eat, yk? It is what moms do.) And my 5 year old asks if he can have a cookie, I say not right now, then he says, "who is going to eat all the cookies?" and I HEAR "are you going to eat all the cookies, mom?" So, I snap back, "I'm just trying to clean the kitchen."
Often, their statements are more clearly accusatory (which, I think is why I've started hearing most of their statements like that). For instance, I eat the last whatever that they've all had lots of, and they ask "who ate all the x."
But I do feel like my flash of temper reactions are often related to my feeling like they are accusing me of something or that whatever the problem is relates to a deficiency of mine.
Like whining about being hungry when I'm trying to get dinner on the table, but its a little late and I'm already stressed because dinner's late.
Or, asking repeatedly if we can do the thing I've promised we'd do, but asking when the baby is once again crying and fussy.
It makes me feel guilty. And then irritated. And then defensive. Which makes what I say come out very nasty
Any tips on how to A)break the cycle in yourself, and B)teach your children their "place" without breaking their spirit.
Truly, I cherish my children as persons who have a natural curiosity, but it doesn't seem right to have them "questioning" so much as if I have to justify my choices and actions to them all the time. Or is it just my misconceptions based on my own feelings of guilt?
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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JennGM
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I have a few thoughts, Lindsay. I am sharing these because you practically described me.
Food and kitchen issues I do get defensive. And when I was on an elimination diet for my baby's health that I could eat only a few things, I would get really defensive. I was hungry, and when I could find something that I *could* eat, I resented (yes, I use that word) when others would eat it up.
So, I did have that natural reaction. I cooked and baked things I couldn't eat, and there were many times (especially when my blood sugar was low) that I would snap and be on the defensive. I know I wasn't doing it for recognition, but constantly denying myself did get tiresome.
I'm working on just pausing one split second before I respond to ask for graces to be calm and not reactive. I am in a bad habit.
The second thing is to stop the child and explain that talking to your parent like that is sassy. They may not realize it, so this is the time to gently correct. I say things like "You may not realize that your words sound very disrespectful to your mother. This is how you could phrase your question in a more respectful way...."
And practicing that for a bit, then instead of giving the example, ask them how could they say this in a more respectful way.
Because on the other side, my boys are incredibly sassy and smart aleck.
We're weak in both departments.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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JennGM
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And, I'll just add, when I can't have eggs and dairy, especially eggs, your options for complete protein and the other vitamins and minerals found in these foods are extremely limited.
I was eating meat and fish and nuts, but gosh, my body missed eggs in the morning.
So I did find that I was a bit on edge all through my elimination diets when I was nursing.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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SallyT
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No advice, but you're describing me, too. *sigh*
Sally
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DominaCaeli
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Me too. 
I received much-needed advice just a few weeks ago from a priest during Confession. He reminded me to adopt the "Little Way" of smiling at the moments when I am most tempted to frown, staying silent at the times I am most tempted to yell, speaking sweetly at the times I am most tempted to snap. Little acts of heroism--so hard to make, but so rewarding and so pleasing to God. I have tried to keep this in mind over the last couple weeks but have failed many more times than I have succeeded. Still, though, I think it has made for a more peaceful home.
That said, my children need to learn how not to get on people's nerves, especially when they're doing so on purpose. My two 5yos can be especially "good" at this.  I often ask them to rephrase their questions or comments, and I remind them (sometimes more sternly than I should ) that some questions do not need to be asked. I get that accusatory tone sometimes from my children, and frankly, it drives me nuts. So when they're doing it knowingly, I really try to nip that kind of thing in the bud--time outs, sending the child out of the room, telling them that I will not speak to them until they talk in an appropriate way. Maybe it's just my pride but I really don't want to see any signs of disrespect from my kids. I emphasize that there are certain things that children just don't say to adults.
And then on to me: I also get very snappy when I'm hungry or rushed, so I do try to make sure I eat regularly and leave myself enough to time to handle my tasks...basically, I treat myself like a toddler.  The times that are most difficult for me is like you said--when they want me to handle something while the baby is obviously fussing and needing to be fed... Or on fast days.
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Celeste
Joyous Lessons
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JodieLyn
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Jenn's idea's are very good. Especially, stopping and having the child rephrase. Even if the words are not disrespectful, sometimes their attitude or tone can be.. so you may be reacting to that even if you can't identify why.
Or you can just try being totally unrepentant.. Yep I ate it  or You ate "all the _____" I just ate the last one.
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seeker
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I really needed to see this thread today! I have no good advice, just thanks for helping me know I'm not alone. 
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MichelleW
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I came to our marriage with a quick temper. Within a short time, I realized that I needed to change. I asked the Holy Spirit to give me a moment, just a moment, to pause long enough to make a decision about how to respond. He did this, and though I didn't always make the right decision, the Holy Spirit definitely helped me to become much less reactive.
The other thing I had to do was to learn to respond to the words and not anything I perceive underneath. In retrospect, my perceptions were very dependent on my moods and not always accurate. When I focused on the words, I could respond with other reasonable words and the ball was now out of my court. If the person I was talking was trying to be huffy, they needed to be more specific because I am ignoring anything not clearly stated. This was a difficult exercise, though one that has paid off in a big way-mostly with teenagers and adults.
So, I need to learn to be in control of my reactions *but* I also need to train my children. I believe that children's behavior originates in the heart so often I am trying to train them before we get to the behavior. This means I *do* have to listen beyond the words. I suppose it might be more accurate to say that I try to listen before the words. This is quite impossible to do when I am having difficult day (due to blood sugar, hormones, etc.). Here is a shortcuts I have come to lean on: If child uses a tone that bugs me and I can't tell why immediately, I ask the child if he/she is being respectful. Usually the child self-corrects by apologizing and trying again.
As to the specific example you gave, I wonder what is at the heart of your ds's question? I find it hard to believe that he really thinks you are going to eat all the cookies yourself. Is he afraid he won't get a cookie if he waits? Does he struggle with possessiveness in other areas? Does he think that you withhold good things from him generally? Just some questions I would ask myself--but I tend to overthink things. Please ignore if none of this sounds like your situation.
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Michelle
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Angie Mc
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Oh goodness, I want to come back to this topic when I have time to reply. I'll be thinking on this and here are a few of my go-to comebacks:
"Do you want me to make that true?" (Often connected to exaggerations.)
"Are you trying to ______ me? (anger, judge, disobey, etc.)
"That was insensitive." Then explain why.
"Women need______." I often have to remind my boys that women need quiet, order, etc. more than little boys.
"Are you being ______?" (ungrateful, impatient, demanding)
Lindsay, I'm with you!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Mackfam
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JodieLyn wrote:
Jenn's idea's are very good. Especially, stopping and having the child rephrase. Even if the words are not disrespectful, sometimes their attitude or tone can be.. so you may be reacting to that even if you can't identify why.
Or you can just try being totally unrepentant.. Yep I ate it or You ate "all the _____" I just ate the last one. |
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I do this!
I either ask for a rephrase if someone asked something with an attitude...OR...I totally claim it. "YEP...ate the last of the "x" - tasted great!"
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
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Erin
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At times I have realised my children are mirroring their father but it sounds totally different from their mouth. To better explain, dh may say something to me in fun, and it is fine from him. Spouse to spouse, adult to adult, but the children mirror that sort of comment and it doesn't come out the same way, at all.
Dh and I have had to be careful in what we say as a joke to one another in front of the children, as we realised some of the 'sassiness' stemmed from that. Not sure if I've explained well?
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CrunchyMom
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Well, I must admit I sometimes feel defensive with my husband, too. Not sure if it is the same type of comments or just the same feelings.
It usually happens when I get upset about something, try to say something, end up mumbling in some misguided attempt at not making a big deal, and when some version of, " I don't understand what the big deal is" is said, I get very defensive. It is usually related to feeling like my efforts in some area were wasted, and others' insisting it isn't a big deal just piles on that feeling. Everything escalates quickly and out of proportion to the incident, but at that point, I'm more upset about my feelings being dismissed than I am about whatever is was.
It is probably related in some part to being the only woman in a house of men/boys. I get defensive, and they have no clue what is really upsetting me, regardless of how much I explain.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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hylabrook1
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I often feel that the way someone else is talking to me is an accusation or attack. What I"ve figured out is that I am most likely to get that sense when I am especially busy, multi-tasking, overwhelmed. Then just about anything that anyone says sounds like, "You're not doing enough. Whatever you are doing isn't good enough, is *too little, too late*." I've come to think that what those feelings of being accused are really about is that I am chastising myself for not being able to do everything all at the same time and enjoy it all too! It's kind of like my own heart and brain are filtering things in a way that *hears* things more harshly than they are actually said. As much as it seems impossible not to multi-task and not to have my thoughts running toward everything I need to do in the next several hours, I'm trying very hard to stay focused on the present moment. When I'm able to calm my thoughts, I hear much less of that negative/rude sort of comment. I'm honestly not sure whether less is being said or the same is being said and I'm just hearing it differently because I'm not so *keyed up*. Maybe when I'm more at peace inside, the atmosphere around me is more peaceful, which makes for calmer kids, who then act *nicer*.
Which is not to say that there aren't times when I need to point out that something wasn't said in an appropriate way and ask for a re-d0.
Peace,
Nancy
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JodieLyn
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Maybe you just need a set response to the upsetting comments.
Like..
It doesn't matter that you understand. It IS a big deal for me and I'd appreciate some consideration.
Just something that breaks the argument about if it's a big deal or not.. a person's perception is their reality.. so it doesn't matter if it's real or not.
Is a child less scared of the dark just because you know there's nothing there? Their perception is their reality, and you get a lot further in helping them calm down when you don't deny that they feel scared.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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CrunchyMom
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This is true. Though, I think sometimes I need to check my perspective in order to break the cycle in myself and guard my peace and reactions. I can ask for understanding, and I might get it, but it really would be childish of me if I couldn't recognize that my perceptions are, in fact, sometimes NOT the reality.
I just realized, too, that by personality, I am very, very perceptive and rely on that a lot for how I process information. This is okay, but it is probably not healthy when I am stressed, hungry, or hormonal to allow myself to react to that without some sort of reality check.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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mamaslearning
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I've been thinking about this all day, and just can't quite pull together a cohesive response; but I'll try!
I am so with you on this one! My hubs has told be since we've met that I'm too sensitive about everything and that I hear differently than other people. I'm the one that cries over commercials, I can empathize with most anyone to the point of making myself sick with whatever they are experiencing, and I am always looking for the hidden meaning in the words and tones people use when they speak. Not only am I senstive, but I am a perfectionist that has high expectations when dealing with other people. Obviously, most people will fall short of my expectations so I distrust what I'm being told from the get-go.
So all that to say that I know what you mean. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice. I am working on myself, in that I'm trying to clean out my interior with prayer and reading (Saints bios, faith books, self-help, a few trips to the therapist every couple of years, etc.). I tend to project my fears, worries, and other garbage onto my family, so that's why I tend to hear tones and meanings that aren't really there. An example regarding my hubs: I am disappointed with how I manage our home. I think I can do better, but I haven't made the necessary changes to actually do better. So, I'm already mad at myself, but I project that onto my husband and *assume* he is also mad at me, even though he hasn't said a word. Then, if he makes an innocent query as to where his black socks are I go into defense mode. I know that I'm slacking with the laundry, I know that I could do better, I know that it makes it frustrating for his socks to not be in the drawer, SO he's asking about his socks to let me know how unhappy he is with my housekeeping skills. An innocent query starts a snowball of interior belittling which results in me being defensive and snapping out a response (or sometimes I give way to a crying spell).
It happens with my kids as well. Even if they are being a bit sassy, I overreact because I put so much pressure on myself to ensure my kids know right from wrong. I can't seem to be okay with them making mistakes because I internalize it to mean that I must be doing a lousy job as a parent.
I know that my sensitive nauture is a gift, I just haven't figured out how to harness it yet. 
I'm loving the responses you are getting and hope to apply some of the practical advice. I wish I had more than commiserating to share!
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Lara
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JennGM
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Nancy and Lara, you really hit it on the nail with me.
In the spiritual life we're supposed to be detached and do things out of pure love.
But because I'm not a saint, or even close, I do things feeling stressed, wanting to be a good wife and mother. I think I have pure intentions, but I think when I snap it's because I'm feeling inadequate and don't want to be criticized...and I'm also looking for some kind of recognition. When it seems like all I get is fault-finding or criticism, I over-react.
Believe me, I spend lots of time discussing this in confession.
That's just me.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1 '03 & ds2 '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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CrunchyMom
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mamaslearning wrote:
| I am disappointed with how I manage our home. I think I can do better, but I haven't made the necessary changes to actually do better. So, I'm already mad at myself, but I project that onto my husband and *assume* he is also mad at me, even though he hasn't said a word. Then, if he makes an innocent query as to where his black socks are I go into defense mode. I know that I'm slacking with the laundry, I know that I could do better, I know that it makes it frustrating for his socks to not be in the drawer, SO he's asking about his socks to let me know how unhappy he is with my housekeeping skills. An innocent query starts a snowball of interior belittling which results in me being defensive and snapping out a response (or sometimes I give way to a crying spell). |
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Exactly!!
JennGM wrote:
Nancy and Lara, you really hit it on the nail with me.
In the spiritual life we're supposed to be detached and do things out of pure love.
But because I'm not a saint, or even close, I do things feeling stressed, wanting to be a good wife and mother. I think I have pure intentions, but I think when I snap it's because I'm feeling inadequate and don't want to be criticized...and I'm also looking for some kind of recognition. When it seems like all I get is fault-finding or criticism, I over-react.
Believe me, I spend lots of time discussing this in confession.
That's just me. |
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Me too.
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Angie Mc
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CrunchyMom wrote:
It is probably related in some part to being the only woman in a house of men/boys. I get defensive, and they have no clue what is really upsetting me, regardless of how much I explain. |
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It is definitely related! Definitely!! I call it "male mutiny". I'm not all that emotional to begin with but when all these men are being...men...well its as if I'm being sensitive for ALL of us!
I say things like this...
"Please be gentle with me."
"I'm sorry I can't explain my feelings better but I hope you can see that I'm suffering."
"This may or may not be a big deal, but it feels like one to me right now."
"OK, I can see that I'm off track emotionally. Can you help me to be reasonable?"
Obviously, I'm dealing with 2 male teens and a dh so I'm not sure all these words would work with boys.
Lindsay...I thank God for women friends, like you .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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seeker
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mamaslearning wrote:
I've been thinking about this all day, and just can't quite pull together a cohesive response; but I'll try!
I am so with you on this one! My hubs has told be since we've met that I'm too sensitive about everything and that I hear differently than other people. I'm the one that cries over commercials, I can empathize with most anyone to the point of making myself sick with whatever they are experiencing, and I am always looking for the hidden meaning in the words and tones people use when they speak. Not only am I senstive, but I am a perfectionist that has high expectations when dealing with other people. Obviously, most people will fall short of my expectations so I distrust what I'm being told from the get-go.
So all that to say that I know what you mean. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice. I am working on myself, in that I'm trying to clean out my interior with prayer and reading (Saints bios, faith books, self-help, a few trips to the therapist every couple of years, etc.). I tend to project my fears, worries, and other garbage onto my family, so that's why I tend to hear tones and meanings that aren't really there. An example regarding my hubs: I am disappointed with how I manage our home. I think I can do better, but I haven't made the necessary changes to actually do better. So, I'm already mad at myself, but I project that onto my husband and *assume* he is also mad at me, even though he hasn't said a word. Then, if he makes an innocent query as to where his black socks are I go into defense mode. I know that I'm slacking with the laundry, I know that I could do better, I know that it makes it frustrating for his socks to not be in the drawer, SO he's asking about his socks to let me know how unhappy he is with my housekeeping skills. An innocent query starts a snowball of interior belittling which results in me being defensive and snapping out a response (or sometimes I give way to a crying spell).
It happens with my kids as well. Even if they are being a bit sassy, I overreact because I put so much pressure on myself to ensure my kids know right from wrong. I can't seem to be okay with them making mistakes because I internalize it to mean that I must be doing a lousy job as a parent.
I know that my sensitive nauture is a gift, I just haven't figured out how to harness it yet.
I'm loving the responses you are getting and hope to apply some of the practical advice. I wish I had more than commiserating to share! |
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 When did you find the time to sneak over here and crawl around in my skin for a while?? This completely describes me!
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Mom on the Defensive
