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misswallo
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| Posted: Oct 17 2011 at 12:13pm | IP Logged
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Ladies, I am not sure what to do about this trivial situation, can you please give me some suggestions? The situation involves my second daughter. My friend's daughter really enjoys being with her, she calls all the time wanting to get together, she is an only child. My daughter really does not care to be around her, they play very differently and are interested in different things. We have had several playdates even though my daughter is less than enthused about them. I want to teach her to be charitable, yet I feel bad about making her play with her. She has called several times since Friday wanting to play this Friday morning. It turns out that she has a birthday party to go to in the afternoon, but she has no way to get there because both of her parents are working. So from what I understand, she wants to play in the morning and then have us get her to the birthday party that my daughter is not invited to. We do not have anything going on, so we have no reason to say no other than the fact that my daughter really would prefer not to. Not sure how to handle this.
Updated below
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Missy-married in 1997 dd(99) dd(01) dd(04) dd(06) ds(09) and ds(12)
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Oct 17 2011 at 2:22pm | IP Logged
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I don't think you have to offer a big explanation; you can just say your daughter is not available that day and her parents will have to find another friend to take her to the party. (Grrr...this is that "you homeschool, so you must have oodles of free time thing"...IMHO, for what it's worth, it's presumptuous of her parents to assume that you would want to take their daughter to her events!)
My next-door-neighbor's daughter is fairly close in age to my dd. They played together as preschoolers, but when we moved back here, my dd and this neighbor had grown in very different directions. After a couple of get-togethers, we moms tacitly decided not to try again; our girls just had nothing in common except a street address.
If they persist, you can start saying things like, "You know, (name) is much happier playing on her own; please don't take it personally, but she's really not all that interested in hanging out with most people." That might be enough of a hint to at least reduce the playdate requests.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Michaela
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| Posted: Oct 17 2011 at 3:04pm | IP Logged
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Like Nancy suggested, I'd keep my response brief by simplying saying Friday isn't going to work. Period. You don't have to have a reason why. Really, it's so freeing! You don't have to come up with an excuse.
If you say you have plans, they might ask what plans.
Just let them know Friday isn't going to work.
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Michaela
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misswallo
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| Posted: Oct 17 2011 at 5:27pm | IP Logged
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Thanks ladies, we have been having to deal with this for awhile now. In the last week she has called wanting 3 separate get togethers. We were also invited to their Halloween party. I do need to come up with a tactful way of declining this and any future invitations. I do not want to hurt any feelings, it is just not going to work out anymore.
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Missy-married in 1997 dd(99) dd(01) dd(04) dd(06) ds(09) and ds(12)
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Oct 18 2011 at 6:47am | IP Logged
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guitarnan wrote:
If they persist, you can start saying things like, "You know, (name) is much happier playing on her own; please don't take it personally, but she's really not all that interested in hanging out with most people." That might be enough of a hint to at least reduce the playdate requests. |
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I think that this kind of response is a good one- it is honest but not offensive, plus it gives the other family an understandable end to it all. Some kids just don't click, and most parents realize that (even though it can be frustrating at times). Saying no all the time without giving at least some reason is stressful for everyone. The calls keep coming, you have to deal with the situation over and over.
While it is hard to tell someone that your child would rather be alone than with theirs I think the other parents would rather have an honest answer.
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misswallo
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| Posted: Oct 19 2011 at 7:45am | IP Logged
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This is going to more difficult than I thought. I did tell this family that Friday does not work for us and also the same thing for their Halloween party. I was too wimpy to tell them that my daughter is not really interested in hanging out with most people. Her emailed response was that they will look at their calendar to find another date for a playdate because her daughter really enjoys my daughter and the busyness of our household. I really thought after declining several play day requests in a row that they would get the hint, now I guess I need to be more blunt. I hate these type of situations.
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Missy-married in 1997 dd(99) dd(01) dd(04) dd(06) ds(09) and ds(12)
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Oct 19 2011 at 8:08am | IP Logged
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I always find it is easier to say the blunt thing after I say something complimentary or positive.
For instance, you might respond,
Quote:
| We are so flattered that [name] enjoys dds company and finds the busyness of our household enjoyable! It is always nice to know when people appreciate your family. However, all that busyness is starting to catch up with us, and we find that we need to scale back on social commitments. Dd, especially, finds she craves time on her own to recharge lately more than seeking out others socially. Given this, I hope you will not be offended if we decline setting up any playdates for the time being. We would hate to think we might hurt [name]'s feelings, but it is a choice we find necessary as we try to slow things down a bit and keep the peace in our home. |
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Lindsay
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Oct 19 2011 at 8:11am | IP Logged
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Missy,
In these kind of situations, I like being firm and positive. We, as a family, set our own boundaries. And these don't change unless we, as a family, decide there is a good reason to change our boundaries.
Have peace! I think you can handle this without it being difficult and without causing discomfort to yourself or this other family by being more blunt.
IF....she doesn't call back, fine. Great.
IF....she calls back to arrange yet another play date, I'd be gracious and light. Smile and keep control of the conversation by making statements and not saying things like, "I guess..." or, "well, I don't know, but...". You can be firm AND positive. This is about YOUR calendar, YOUR family boundaries. Period. Thank her kindly for the invitation and for thinking of you/your daughter, and then kindly state that you and your husband have carefully considered your calendar and outside the home time, and have discerned that family time is a priority right now. Because of this we've decided to keep the kids close to home so that our family time is guarded. Thanks so much again for calling and asking *daughter* to play. Bye-bye. Big smile.
IF....she rebuts with, "Great, well then our daughter can come over to your house then!" Keep smiling (even though inside you will be fuming at the presumption and you are definitely allowed to have a big VENT session afterward!) and just reaffirm your statement: "As you know our home life is very full right now and we're looking to guard our family time. I'm sorry you didn't understand - my husband and I have discerned that what is best for our family right now is time spent with our family exclusively." Big smile. And moving on in peace.
 Setting family boundaries is not always easy, but it has been one of the most instrumental exercises in guarding our family peace. It doesn't always have to do with a playdate situation eithe. Learning how to brainstorm healthy family boundaries and communicate them in a positive and firm way to others keeps us working together and attentive to each other and then we can work outward from a place of happiness and security, serving, playing and enjoying others around us.
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Oct 19 2011 at 8:12am | IP Logged
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 Cross posting with Lindsay, but I think we're saying essentially the same thing! 
Good luck, Missy!
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Jen Mackintosh
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misswallo
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| Posted: Oct 19 2011 at 12:52pm | IP Logged
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Thank you ladies, I am going to,print off these responses and the next time she calls or emails(which is usually how the mother communicates with me), I will have these ready. These are my exact thoughts, but you two articulated them so much better than I am would be able to. I appreciate this board so much.
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Missy-married in 1997 dd(99) dd(01) dd(04) dd(06) ds(09) and ds(12)
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misswallo
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| Posted: Dec 07 2011 at 6:59am | IP Logged
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Good morning,, can you help me out yet again. We are still dealing with this even after I explained our need for more peace in our household. They have not asked for any playdates, (well, except she did call to see if my daughter wanted to go have pizza with her family), but the young girl calls ALL the time just wanting to talk. She leaves messages explaining how much she misses my daughter and just wants to share with her what she has been doing. Sometimes we are not home, but sometimes we are and we let the voicemail pick up the call. My daughter has not called her back, and I am not sure if I want her too, but also feel it is not nice to ignore her. I have assured my daughter that if she does call her back out of politeness, we would say no to playdates and I would limit how long she can be on the phone. I am afraid that this will just give this girl "permission" to keep calling, so not sure if I want to do this or not. Do I need to have a frank discussion with her mother, I was hoping I could avoid this. 
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SusanMc
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Wow, it does sound like a one on one talk between you and the mom may be in order. Its hard to hear that someone doesn't want to play with your child (for whatever reason) but if I were the other mom, I'd want to know to help manage expectations of my child.
At the same time, it does sound as if this child is lonely and/or a little socially clueless. Poor dear.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How to handle this?
