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Kathryn
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| Posted: Sept 07 2011 at 8:17am | IP Logged
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Should there be a consequence for every infraction? Seems like way beyond even a full time job to so help me here b/c constanting reminding them is driving me batty. 
So, I'm making a list of the things I'm constantly repeating to my big kids (11 and 12 1/2). Things they SHOULD know to do but yet I'm still reminding. So, on the list, I was going to have them sign it plus keep it posted as a reminder. My question is whether I put a consequence for each thing they don't follow? For example, so you have an idea of what I'm referring there's clear instructions for getting ready on time in the morning and what needs to happen, being in bed on time, HOW and WHERE their shoes and clothes are to be every night and when they are allowed to use electronic devices.
For my oldest, there's also 2 lines about interrupting other's conversations as well as eavesdropping on adult conversations and last, not following directions! Re directions, it's not b/c she didn't hear me, it's b/c she is deciding something different. May be this is all pre-teen stuff but it's becoming a problem esp. with the not following directions because this has never really been an issue before. So, are there consequences for these?
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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kristacecilia
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| Posted: Sept 07 2011 at 10:11am | IP Logged
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I only have kids under 8, but it seems like most of their infractions are really some sort of disobedience. They have been told a rule, and they chose to break it after that. I don't know if that helps, but you could have one general consequence for disobedience. I am a big fan of natural consequences... I am not entirely sure how that translates to pre-teens, but at least with the electronic devices, I would be tempted to say that if they can't remember WHEN the appropriate time to use them is, they can't use them AT ALL.
Or, if they can't remember WHERE their shoes go- and I have to pick them up- they will belong to me and they will have to work to earn them back. Otherwise they will be leaving the house in other shoes or shoeless.
Etc.
Feel free to completely disregard this as the ramblings of a woman who has no experience with preteens.
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Krista
Wife to a great guy, mom to two boys ('04, '06) and three girls ('08, '10, '12!)
I blog at http://kristacecilia.wordpress.com/
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hmbress
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| Posted: Sept 07 2011 at 10:27am | IP Logged
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I was recently given a children's money management system that also happens to help form good habits. Basically you set up your morning routines, clearly posted on paper. The kids get age-appropriate allowance each time the ENTIRE routine is completed on time, without complaint, reminder, or dawdling. For example my 8yo has the following routines:
MORNING
- Dressed, clean underwear  , bed made, PJs put away, all BEFORE coming downstairs
- Scoop cat litter
- Eat breakfast, clear dishes, put away food (milk, cereal, etc), clean up any mess
- Take meds
- Chore (ask Mom)
- All must be done BEFORE any toys or reading, without reminder - he can consult the posted chore chart if he needs to remember what all needs to be done.
DINNER
- outdoor toys put away
- before dinner job (rotates: set table or help mom cook)
- after dinner job (rotates: clear/wipe table or wipe down counters and stove)
EVENING
- books/games/toys put away
- PJs on, clothes put away, take med
- ready for family prayer and story/snack by 8:00
- brush teeth
- in bed by 8:30
Throughout the day I use checkmarks to record each time an entire routine is done according to the criteria (on time, without complaint or dawdling or reminder (once I tell them it's time for dinner or evening routine). On payday he gets 30 cents per checkmark - older children get more.
NOTE: He is NOT getting paid for doing the work. Everyone in the family has to help with household chores because we are a family. He is getting paid for HOW he does the work, as training for his future ability to be a responsible worker and support his family someday.
The system also incorporates an envelope system. On payday certain percentages of the max potential earnings for the week go to church/charity, long term savings (i.e. college and car, this amount is matched by mom and dad), and his financial responsibilities (at his age this is saving to buy family birthday and Christmas gifts - an older child gradually is given responsibility for even more things), and the rest is his to spend as he likes. So the upshot is, he learns that if he consistently does his routines according to the criteria he ends up with more money to spend on whatever he wants.
All of this is clearly written out, signed by the child and parent, and posted.
Hope that helps - perhaps it will spur an idea that will work for your situation!
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Heather Rose (ds13, ds10)
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Sept 07 2011 at 10:43am | IP Logged
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the bedtime consequence is easy and "painful" for older kids.
if you're not in bed on time, you'll have to be in bed earlier the next night.
But yes part of this is being pre-teen. Do you like to be told every little thing to do? or do you like being treated like you might know something and being given a job with the ability to choose yourself how to do it?
They're looking for more independence which of course brings with it responsibility. So you might also ask yourself... am I being unecessarily controlling and can give some of that control to the kids or is it really necessary that they do this exactly my way?
And of course there's always the brain-pickling properties of adolescent hormones. They know what they should do, they know how to do it, but their brain just went on vacation without them for a bit. This is usually characterized by some chagrin that they didn't do it right or that they really forgot. So sometimes it's nice to just cut them some slack if they're at the point where they usually do it.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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MommyMahung
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| Posted: Sept 07 2011 at 5:01pm | IP Logged
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I have let all my kids dirty their rooms, leave their stuff about the place and go without doing their chores. I will ask them once to clean up and do what they're supposed to. If they don't do it, I get out the garbage bag and broom and start cleaning it up. This gets them moving because they don't want me to get rid of their things. If they don't do one of their chores, they loose time with something they enjoy doing. One the other hand, I reward them for doing what they're supposed to and more! The rewards are priceless to them. It could be something as simple as getting an extra scoop of ice cream, extra one on one time with me, extra time doing what they enjoy most. This works really well in my family, from the elder children down to the 2 year old.
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Sept 07 2011 at 9:58pm | IP Logged
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So, we had a family meeting tonight and at least it's not me just TELLING the bigs kids what to do and telling dad what I decided. I asked for everyone's input so hopefully "fun" dad will be a little more helpful in moving esp. the nighttime routine where it needs to be.
kristacecilia wrote:
Feel free to completely disregard this as the ramblings of a woman who has no experience with preteens. |
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Oh I never disregard anything, Krista. Sometimes it's much easier to see clearly when you're not in the midst of something, so thanks.
Heather...we def. need to get back to the accountability check-list. So, you do the checkmarks for the kids? That's an idea. I guess I've always left that to them as well and well...they fall off that wagon too. LOL We do monthly allowance and I thought about having them turn in their "time card" I like to call it because that's what you would do at a job. Then before they receive their allowance we can discuss these habits of accountability, responsibility etc. Same like you that they receive allowance not for doing the work but just for being a member of the family.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Sept 07 2011 at 10:05pm | IP Logged
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Jodie,
You're so smart in the child-reariung dept. You should have about 10 kids!  Praying for you while you're on bedrest and your health and your new baby and all the other family waiting anxiously for you at home.
You're right sometimes it's control but I think with the oldest she doesn't do it really out of a disobedient heart but rather she really thinks what I've asked isn't either do-able or she has some reason why she did the opposite but she doesn't want to "talk back" so then just does the opposite. We did talk about all this today. 
Plus we are almost finishing week 3 of getting back to school. Their brains are prob. still in Summer mode as we pretty much took off all Summer this year so I suppose I should cut them a little bitty bit of slack for a few more days.
Mommymahung...I prob. should think of more rewards too. Sometimes I tend to look at too much of what's NOT done as opposed to what IS done. I need to work on that.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: Sept 08 2011 at 12:03pm | IP Logged
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Kathryn wrote:
Jodie,
You're so smart in the child-rearing dept. You should have about 10 kids! |
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ROTFL!!!!!
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Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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MamaFence
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| Posted: Sept 12 2011 at 10:35pm | IP Logged
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I am getting good ideas from this thread...keep it going. I have no advice to offer...my oldest is 6 and I need all the advice I can get for this part of life!
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Gina, mother to 4
DD 7yr (11.04)
DD 5yr (6.06)
DS 3yr (6.08)
DS 2yr (11.09)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Consequence for every rule broken?
