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mamaslearning
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| Posted: Aug 08 2011 at 5:06am | IP Logged
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I feel so trapped! This first year with a newborn always makes me feel this way, and the older I get the worse it feels. I especially feel guilty that my older kids are feeling trapped in this house as well. My third boy is very physical and will not listen to me, so going out without a helper is extremely frustrating and filled with anxiety over his behavior. I cannot wear the baby like I have all the other children in the past, so I'm stuck with a stroller which I'm struggling with feelings of guilt for using. (  not sure why) The weather is hot, hot, hot so going outside is not an option. Money is tight, tight enough that dh is working a second job, so we cannot go any place that costs money, like a museum, to get out of the heat and play. I also still struggle with panic, some weeks are better than others, but it limits our outings. I just feel burnt out on life in general.
With dh new job, we've missed two weeks of Mass and I feel horrible. I will not go with all the kids by myself because of the wrestling match that ensues with the toddler and baby, and Mass is the last battleground for my panic attacks. The entire Mass is spent either battling the kids or trying to talk myself down from the urge to run out the door. I usually cry most of the time as well, and that's with DH next to me.
Now I'm questioning my whole approach to parenting. If God would just send me a checklist for all the gray areas, it would much easier!  Every decision seems like life or death to me. "She's 7 and didn't do what I asked of her" becomes "OMGoodness, my kids do not respect or love me, I'm a failure, they are going to hate me, I give up". See, very dramatic around her for some reason.
Sorry, just rambling. Long weekend. Could use a shoulder to cry on.
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
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hylabrook1
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Lara 
First, know that I am praying for you and your family; I have lots of empathy for you.
Are there any parks you can visit that have an indoor nature center with air conditioning? Library story hours?
Do you have a basement? Does it have enough space for kids to play active games, do somersaults, jump on a mini-trampoline, get the wiggles out? Your library might have some videos, even movement-oriented ones, that your children could do in the living room. Or you could teach them to Dance the Hokey-Pokey.  Nerf tennis?
Obviously, I don't know your family routines, but structuring at least part of the day might help channel everyone's energy. Having some one-on-one time with your toddler while the baby naps might alleviate some of the *negative interaction* between him and the baby.
Can you find a little time to pamper yourself - like soaking in a warm bath after the children are in bed and your husband is home? I know with the ages of your children it is very tricky to find time for yourself. At the risk of seeming to add one more thing for you to *have to do*, I urge you to find even little snatches of time throughout the day to recharge your own energy.
Are you eating good food? Taking vitamins?
One minute, one hour, one day at a time...
Peace,
Nancy
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Taffy
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| Posted: Aug 08 2011 at 8:42am | IP Logged
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Are you getting enough sleep? Getting your vitamins in? Those are the first two things I'd look into. Sleep deprivation makes everything tougher.
I'm worried by your comment about your son, that he will not listen to you. Is there a reason for that and what can be done to remedy it? Can you contact the woman's group at your parish and see if someone would be willing to help you with outings? Or maybe your husband could ask for you? Going to a mall to window shop would at least get you out and about in air-conditioning. Or the library. Have your husband ask around.
Things will get better. Watch the Mass on TV or online for some spiritual communion and don't be afraid to plug the kids into some DVDs so that you can rest. After all, if mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy!
Wish I lived closer and could help you out more but for now, my prayers will have to suffice.  Praying that you'll feel better soon!
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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CrunchyMom
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I agree with Taffy. Be sure you are getting your vitamins. What about cod liver oil or fish oil? Omega 3s work wonders for mental health post partum.
I completely understand your feelings of guilt about not wearing your baby. I threw my back out with my 3rd around 6 mos and had to stop wearing him completely, and I very much feel the loss of freedom with this time around as I have a 5 month old that must still be held a great deal requiring my sitting and holding a lot. At times, I feel very, very stuck in that chair! This also means that disciplining the 2 year old is much more of a challenge as well!
I don't know the specific challenges with your 2 year old, but sometimes my toddlers act out more when I'm not able to "fill their cup." It is hard to be as present to them when juggling an infant. Perhaps simply trying to reconnect with and engage your 2 year old more will help with the power struggle? Reading a picture book is something you can do when the baby is calm or nap-nursing.
One affordable thing we did to beat the heat was to build a pvc sprinkler for the kids to play in. I think it cost around $10 to make. Something like that might help your physical boy burn off some energy outside.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Aug 08 2011 at 9:39am | IP Logged
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I am praying for you, too! I can really empathize with your worries about Mass attendance. My dh is in the military and he deployed when dd was only a few months old. Mass and grocery shopping almost drove me insane, and there was no one around who could really help (I was nursing - often!). I dreaded Sundays. It's really, really hard to go to Mass with littles, even in a child-friendly parish, and I can appreciate that money worries and your dh's job schedule make it nearly impossible for you to hire a sitter or trade off going to Mass.
I wish God sent checklists, too - but you have 4Real, a safe and friendly place to be a normal parent rather than SuperMom (who does not exist!  ). It's okay to question one's parenting once in a while, but dwelling on it can be very frustrating. I encourage you to look up past posts here about physical toddlers, coping when dh isn't available, and anything else that worries you. I think you'll find that you have plenty of company here, and there are some great tips from moms who've been around the block a few times.
I love the sprinkler idea. If you don't have yard space, a water table is a good substitute. (Take a large plastic container - like a storage container - and place it on a sturdy base. Fill with water. Add toys and containers for pouring. Have dry clothes ready.) I used water tables with my daycare boys (3 boys age 2 and younger...they always had energy to burn!) and they loved their water table time. "Painting" with water on the sidewalk is fun, too.
Please remember that most of us were not worn by our own mothers...and we seem to have survived. If you can't wear your baby, it's okay. I'm sure you love and cuddle him as much as possible. It's perfectly fine to put him in the stroller to keep him safe and close to you.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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JodieLyn
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Any shopping malls or fast food places with indoor play areas? When we lived in AZ that was my big thing.. my kids were all smaller but I could go and walk with them in the stroller etc in the mall in the a/c and just getting out of the heat (because you know the house while cooler than outside is nothing compared to commercial a/c) was SUCH a relief.
Not to be nosy or tell you, you should wear the baby. But there are ALOT of different carriers out there and if it's really bothering you and you simply can't carry with the type of carrier you're used to. Well there might be a carrier that you could use.
But while I carry my babies I also use the stroller.. I love my stroller.. and while I love carrying the babies.. there are times when knowing I can put them in the stroller means whatever we're doing will be easier than carrying them, we're certainly more likely to do it if it's easier for me
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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JodieLyn
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Oh and on the fast food play areas.. you don't have to buy a full meal for everyone to be a customer. I could usually wrangle up a few dollars and get french fries for us to share.. or a pack or two of the little cookies or something..
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Aug 08 2011 at 11:53am | IP Logged
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Also, some of the malls in my area have play areas in the center. Lots of times I see fathers there, minding the kids so mom can shop in peace. The area is enclosed and gated, so you can let the children play without worrying that they will take off out of there to other parts of the mall.
Peace,
Nancy
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Angie Mc
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Lara, when I have been sleep-deprived and overwhelmed, I try to pay attention to my thought processes. I practically have to wrestle them into submission, to not let my distorted thoughts trigger strong emotions and irrational behaviors. Here's a discussion summary of How We Think. I know it is a lot of information, but you might find some relief finding just one or two things that are your thinking tendencies and ways to talk yourself down. God bless you, dear .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
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stacykay
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Lara! Like Nancy wrote, most of our moms didn't wear us, and we are ok! I did hold my boys and cuddle them a bunch, but I also didn't think twice about putting them into a stroller for walks, or even sitting them in a playpen with some toys while I cleaned - or went to the bathroom! or putting them in their high chair while I prepared meals or picked up the kitchen.
I don't know how hot your early mornings are, but could a very early morning walk be fit in and then you all could nap or rest in the hotter afternoon?
If you are fortunate to have air-conditioning, could you pick up a kiddie exercise video from the library for you all to do, or make up your own stretches and aerobic routines to music?
As for Mass when I had littles, I didn't even plan on being able to sit through it at all, and was usually found in the back (we were fortunate to have a vestibule that had a glass window and speakers, so I could sort of catch snippets of the Mass.) At that point, I think it is more of getting the littles into the routine of Mass every Sunday.
It's unfortunate that this first year for your baby has been coupled with this incredibly oppressive and hot summer!
I don't have much to add other than this, please be gentle with yourself!!! The others have mentioned, there are NO perfect moms out there. I read someone's blog a while back about how so many blogs show the perfection of the moment and not the screaming fits of the hour before or after (or something to that effect.)
I will pray for you!!!!
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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kristinannie
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Lara, I am praying for you in empathy. I know everyone's situation is different, but here are some things that have helped me. I used to suffer from severe anxiety and occaisional depression (especially while pregnant or nursing). One day, I just realized that those feelings were a form of attack on me from the Devil. Now I know that isn't true for everyone, but it really was true for me. Once I realized what was happening, I could pray for God to help me and those feelings would disappear.
As for the practical side of your situation, I totally understand. My husband works two weekends a month so I end up taking the kids alone to mass. Of course, I only have 3 kids though! I have found for my oldest 2 (5 and 3) coloring books work great. I ordered Catholic coloring books from CHC for about $1.25 each. Those have saved me a lot of grief! The main problem I have in going to mass is that it takes a lot of work to get everyone out of the door ontime. It seems like there is a different issue every time. I try to plan to leave 20 minutes early so I can get out the door without screaming at everyone! I am still often a couple minutes late to mass, but God forgives! We only have sporadic daily mass in our area so I often watch mass on EWTN. I put it on my DVR and watch it during naptime or any other free time I have (which definitely doesn't happen every day).
It sounds to me like you need to get out of the house more. I get super depressed when I am stuck in the house a lot. It is often easier to just stay at home instead of going through the trouble of getting out of the house, especially when the weather stinks. There are lots of free play areas inside at the mall or fast food restaurants. Do you have a friend that you could call for a playdate? I actually have a friend of mine who is willing to sometimes watch my kids and I sometimes watch hers. This really helps if I need to do something without the kids. My husband's hours are really strange as well. He works at a hospital and the hospital never closes!
The biggest two things that have helped me are: a monthly mom's night out and a daily meditation and prayer time for myself. I know that time is short, but I have found that when I make God a priority, things go better. I make sure that I get at least 15 minutes to myself a day. I pray the rosary or read scripture or read a theological book or whatever. It centers me. Also getting exercise and eating right REALLY helps. I have been very bad about that lately and I can really see the difference.
I am sorry to ramble on so much, but this is a topic near and dear to my heart. This is a season in our lives that is extremely challenging. I try to wake up every morning and offer up my day to God. Everything I do that day (whether mundane, frustrating, difficult, fun, whatever), I offer it up to God. It gives meaning to my life. Washing dishes for the 3rd time in a day means more when I offer it up to God.
I wish I lived closer and could help you out. I know your husband's schedule is crazy, but maybe you could try and get a couple of hours a week to yourself to take a bath, go for a walk, meet up with a friend or read a book. I am sending up my heartfelt prayers to Mary to intercede on your behalf. She knows and understands the struggles of motherhood. Please let me know if there is anything I can do, even if it means FedExing your kids to me for a week!
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John Paul 8.5
Meredith Rose 7
Dominic Michael 4.5
Katherine Elizabeth 8 months
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Taffy
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I once watched an interview with Paula Dean as she discussed how she overcame intense fear and anxiety. It's kind of morbid but I've found it helpful myself so I'm going to risk sharing...
She said that she used to worry about her sons getting into a car accident or that something terrible would happen and she would lose them. Certainly every parent's nightmare (at least it's mine). One day, while praying, it occurred to her to think through what would happen if her imagined worst case scenario did happen. She realized that they would be in God's hands and she felt comforted with the knowledge that God loved them (and herself) more than she possibly could.
So, she decided to act as if her children were dead already. Not quite as bad as it sounds, of course she knew they were alive and interacted with them etc. But, she realized that death is inevitable for all of us. It's out of our hands, so why worry?
I hope this all makes sense. I have found this mindset comforting at times. Maybe it will help someone else.
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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mamaslearning
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| Posted: Aug 09 2011 at 9:38am | IP Logged
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taffy wrote:
| I'm worried by your comment about your son, that he will not listen to you. Is there a reason for that and what can be done to remedy it? |
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Yes, it's a product of a stressful pregnancy and post-partum. I did what I call armchair parenting (aka yelling) for a long period of time when he actually needed physical redirection. So now I have to retrain him.
crunchymom wrote:
| , and I very much feel the loss of freedom with this time around as I have a 5 month old that must still be held a great deal requiring my sitting and holding a lot. At times, I feel very, very stuck in that chair! |
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Loss of freedom is weighing heavily on me this time around. I think the lack of ability to wear the baby has me more stuck than with previous littles. Since my littles usually nurse exclusively for most of the first year, that means I'm constantly in a chair throughout the day.
I was rolling this around yesterday and finally tied it to being midlife. I feel heavily the weight of the years and the shortness of life, which I think underlies a feeling of "wasting" my "precious" time sitting in a chair. Now, I put those in quotes because once I drain the emotion I can see the silliness of that feeling. I'm actually spending time in the most precious of vocations - holding and nurturing a babe. I just need to remind myself that it's not a waste, it's just different than what I had imagined my life would be like right now.
AHA! Vitamins and supplements! I completely fell out of routine these past couple of weeks and stopped taking my supplements. I'm sure that is having an effect on my mood. Thanks for reminding me!
Another change in routine is that I am not getting my morning quiet time for bible reading and prayer. It's been almost a month, and once I look rationally about my thoughts I can see the detrimental effect this is having on my peace and joy. It's amazing how our soul craves conversation with our Maker and if neglected, it begins to demand it with these bouts of emotional turmoil. At least that has been my experience.
Taffy, I liked your Paula Deen story. My therapist had related a similar sentiment that helped bring me out of extreme daily panic attacks.
Thank you all so much for all the wonderful words of wisdom. I want to respond personally to everyone, but I'd take up way too much space! I spent much time inhaling the fragrance of experience, love, and acceptance in your words yesterday. There is so much hope shared that I don't want to let even a little bit escape my notice. I will continue to ponder and pray as I stumble through this rocky road.
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
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Taffy
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| Posted: Aug 09 2011 at 10:55am | IP Logged
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Ah yes, armchair parenting. Very familiar with it and went through the same thing with my almost 4 year old daughter during my last pregnancy. Once I started with consistent and real consequences for misbehavior (as in, physically put her in her room instead of yelling for her to get there) things improved quickly, within a week. She still has setbacks but is progressing nicely.
Glad to hear that you are feeling better today!
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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juststartn
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| Posted: Aug 10 2011 at 9:37am | IP Logged
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Lara....I can't offer anything on the baby wearing (I haven't done it with any of mine, and so far, they all seem to be okay)...but I can certainly commisserate with you on the heat and not being able to go/do....our solution (since it has been over 100 for close to two months straight) has been the library twice a week. We go to the library with some friends, exchange our books/DVDs, visit a bit, and then we all go over to the local McDonalds and play in their indoor play area (the only indoor one in town). I will usually get a large drink (since you get free refills, and any size is a $1). Normally, I wouldn't eat there, but this summer's reading program through the library offers coupons for free food as a reward...so we'll save them up and use them on those days when we are in town (we live 20 miles away from the closest town/McDs/library of any size, and have one non-a/c'd car...trips to town are reserved for Mondays and Fridays ).
I had to couch parent when I was expecting the twins, and while it did take some time to get myself back in gear, all is generally well now. I will ditto the vitamins. Also, check and see how many carbs you are eating. I have found (since going LC) that eating too many makes me depressed, exhausted, short tempered, etc. NOT good mommy traits! Losing weight (slooooowlllllyyyy) also helps with my mood (don't know if that is a concern for you, but it definitely is for me).
((HUGS))
Rachel
__________________
Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Early Morning Thoughts
