| Author | |
Syncletica
Forum Pro
Joined: June 11 2007
Location: Canada
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 450
|
| Posted: July 10 2011 at 11:10pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
when the person in the wrong or the right cannot be proven guilty or innocent?
"He pushed me!"
"That was because he pushed me first!"
"I did not!"
"Yes you did!"
Just one typical example....
__________________
http://www.casciabooks.com
"Live as though your judge were to meet you today, and you will not fear Him when He does come." - St. Augustine
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
zookeeper9
Forum Rookie
Joined: June 27 2010
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 66
|
| Posted: July 10 2011 at 11:38pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I think it depends on the outcome your want to have in the long run. Do you want to stop the he said/she said, the tattling, ot the behaviors all together?
In our house that type of arguement would result in both of the children having a time out. And when that was over, depending on the age, they would have to either write an apology to the other or speak the apology.
Then I would have a discussion with both of them as to why the pushing occured and what could have been the better choice at any point in the incident. I have even been known to have them act out the correct choices several times to hopeful role play the better response.
__________________
Donna
Wife to Richard (25 years)
Mom to Liz (21), Mandy (19), Douglas (14), Becky (13), Emma (13), Patrick (13), Abby (6), Maggie (6), and Marian (6)
Plus one saint in heaven Andrew 1/22-7/5/2005
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
MichelleW
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 01 2005
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 947
|
| Posted: July 11 2011 at 1:14am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Ultimately, I am trying to build a culture of honor and respect, an atmosphere of encouraging and building up, so that is what I tend to put my energy into. We don't have very many arguments like the one you describe. When the kids were little we did things like: the first person to push forward or demand the first piece of pie got the smallest piece. The patient child who let others go first got the largest piece. Very obviously largest piece. For this, no lecture was needed. The kids figured it out pretty quickly. If child A brought child B a napkin we would praise both children in this way: "Wow A that was so thoughtful I am so proud of you for thinking of B. B you must be pretty special for A to show love to you in this way. A loves you so much!" We also spent a lot of time thinking about each other and talking about each other: "What do you think A might like for his birthday?" or "Since we are buying ice cream at the grocery store today anyway, what kind should we buy that A would really like? Let's surprise him!" or "We need someone who is a good runner (or good at drawing flowers, or good at finding things, etc.) for this task, who is a really good runner...B is? B did you hear that? A thinks you are a really good runner. Can you do this task? Great job! See? A was right about you, you are a great runner!"
Whenever anyone accomplished anything of note--finished a workbook, scored a goal, got a present--we all celebrated by having a treat reserved for just these occasions. We wanted our kids to get used to the idea that a sibling's good fortune was a blessing for all.
My kids are normal kids, and they are far from perfect. This has worked for us. There is only so much of me to go around and I am too tired to be putting out fires all the time. It works better for me to put my energy into training so as to prevent the fires in the first place if at all possible. The key is to train for attitude more than for behavior.
__________________
Michelle
Mom to 3 (dd 14, ds 15, and ds 16)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: July 11 2011 at 8:27am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Some personalities will simply rub each other wrong and it can cause some arguments that if they weren't so annoying would be silly. I mean kids that can literally argue over the time (if one clock is slightly different than another) or over the exact shade of color of an item or.. 
These children I've found are most helped by discussing the problem with them. When they're not in the midst of an argument but at another "good time". Usually seperately as well. But I have 2 girls that do this and a lot of it is because of their similiarities.. not because of differences. They can be truly the best of friends and giggle and talk and share with each other.. or they drive each other (and everyone else in hearing distance) up a wall.
So with them a lot of the time, yes all I do is require that they STOP. They know the problem. They know the solution. But they get caught up in the general irritation with each other and just need someone to help them remember that they can just not say anything.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
CrunchyMom
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 03 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6385
|
| Posted: July 11 2011 at 11:42am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Syncletica wrote:
when the person in the wrong or the right cannot be proven guilty or innocent?
"He pushed me!"
"That was because he pushed me first!"
"I did not!"
"Yes you did!"
Just one typical example.... |
|
|
For this type of situation specifically, I respond in a way where it doesn't matter who is guilty.
For one thing, I think that they should learn to deal with many of those differences on their own. Sometimes, I can tell that a particular child is in a "mood" where he is the instigator, and I will sometimes address that particularly, but for the most part, I'm vague. "Both of you know not to push--its rude and annoying."
AND
"We don't tattle. I don't care whose fault it is. You boys know how to behave, I expect you to treat each other kindly and find ways to settle your differences without pestering each other."
If its the umpteenth time its happened that day, I will tell them they will have to play separately if they can't play nicely. Usually, that fixes things because, as much as they might bicker, it would be worse to not have each other  . If it doesn't, separating them helps keep the peace for a while. I'll tell them, "okay, you both need to go find a book to read..." and instruct them where they can go read. That way, no one "gets" to stay wherever the source of the problem was.
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Aagot
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 06 2010
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 649
|
| Posted: July 11 2011 at 6:24pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I have to chuckle about the no tattling rule.
During my first week of kindergarten at a Catholic school a boy punched and pushed me down while we were on the play ground.
I went in and told the teacher and was informed that there was a no tattling rule. The punishment was to wash my mouth out with lava soap. I took my punishment silently and proceeded to beat the blazes out of that boy when I got outside again.
From that point forward I never tattled again but I always finished any fight that someone else started. All by myself. This proved really helpful in 7th grade when the new kid was dared to slap my face. Poor guy, never new what hit him but he never did it again.
As far as the original question, I usually put them both in time out (out of arms reach but within sight of each other). Of course the time starts over if any comments are made. They learn pretty quick not to continue the arguement.
I love Michelle's approach--wish I had it in me. Somehow I think I learned way too much in Kindergarten, LoL.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: July 11 2011 at 9:18pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I have never had a "no tattling rule".. I want to know when someone is in the freezer (not my house, not my child but it was my child that came and told), or on the roof of the shed or whatever.. coming and telling me nonsense, piddly type stuff just doesn't get a response so fades away. More often than not I have to tell my kids to come and get help with a situation than I have to tell them to not tattle.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Shari in NY
Forum Pro
Joined: Nov 23 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 358
|
| Posted: July 12 2011 at 7:34am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Honestly? I just tell them to knock it off. If it gets really bad I give them the "if you can't get along with each other....no playing with other kids, no sports, no trips anywhere...(whatever works for that particular kid)" lecture.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SuzanneG
Forum Moderator
Joined: June 17 2006
Location: Idaho
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5465
|
| Posted: July 12 2011 at 9:01am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Shari in NY wrote:
| Honestly? I just tell them to knock it off. If it gets really bad I give them the "if you can't get along with each other....no playing with other kids, no sports, no trips anywhere...(whatever works for that particular kid)" lecture. |
|
|
Yeah....that would probably be the standard response here too.
And the ol' love-and-logic-sing-songy-"uh-oh" works too. "Uh-oh....I hear kids arguing!" >>insert raised eye brow look<<
And, stopping whatever you're doing and getting them set up with some sort of chore could work too.
Argue....argue...argue....mom gets up and says, "OK, sounds like we need a change of scenery, so Madeleine you can come over here and fold this laundry, Erika you can clean the sink and Dorothy Jo, you can sweep the porch. Come get me when you're finished. Thank you!"
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
juststartn
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 17 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1321
|
| Posted: July 12 2011 at 9:05am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Oh, that's when I dish out the "wow, you have so much energy for pushing, I know just the thing to wear it off! Here's a chore for each of you to go do!"   There are *always* chores to do (we have 10 acres, a flock of chickens, two dogs, a cat, etc, etc), either inside or outside. There comes a point where they realize that tattling isn't going to do EITHER of them any good, so they just shut up and leave me out of it.
Fortunately, we don't have to deal with tattling very often....
Rachel
__________________
Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
jawgee
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 02 2011
Location: New Hampshire
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1415
|
| Posted: July 12 2011 at 11:45am | IP Logged
|
|
|
juststartn wrote:
Oh, that's when I dish out the "wow, you have so much energy for pushing, I know just the thing to wear it off! Here's a chore for each of you to go do!" There are *always* chores to do (we have 10 acres, a flock of chickens, two dogs, a cat, etc, etc), either inside or outside. There comes a point where they realize that tattling isn't going to do EITHER of them any good, so they just shut up and leave me out of it.
Fortunately, we don't have to deal with tattling very often.... |
|
|
I do something similar. I say "Oh, apparently you two need more practice working together as a team. Here's a chore that the two of you need to complete together". Oh, they don't like that. LOL.
__________________
Monica
C (12/2001), N (11/2005), M (5/2008), J (8/2009) and three angels
The Catholic Cup on Facebook
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: July 12 2011 at 1:59pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Oh yes, these situations are like gnats ruining a pleasant day out! Here are a few things that have worked for us:
"I expect you to work out your problems as best as you can without me. If you bring a problem to me, I will get both sides of the story. I will judge truth to the best of my ability. There will be negative consequences for all involve if I feel my time is being wasted."
"It is your job to tell the truth. It is my job to believe you."
"I'm having a hard time believing this. Can you help me to believe?"
"This is a time-waster."
I'm very serious about my time, a gift from God, not being wasted. I've charged money for my time wasted. I've sat kids out of activities for my time wasted. It's up to me to protect my time and not play into time-wasters.
Praying for you!
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Do you have a way to deal with arguments
