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mama2many
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Joined: May 28 2010
Location: Georgia
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| Posted: July 09 2011 at 7:42pm | IP Logged
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We are ttrying to de-clutter, but I feel like that's not enough. We're not speaking nicely to each other, there's a ton of bickering, and basically, it's lord of the flies in here!!
I'm thinking of getting managers of their homes (see thread in ordering our days) to help with a plan, I know that *I* have to implement it.. but I was a schooled only child of a single parent, I have NO SKILLS HERE!
Anyway, I'm looking for help, I feel liek the TV is a HUGE problem right now, they're all addicted to that "magic box"!
Any guidance you can offer I would appreciate!!
Thanks and God Bless
__________________
Krystin
wife to Kevin
mama to
M (12/00)
J (12/01)
K (6/06)
J (7/08)
A (7/10)
C (11/12)
My Clones in Action
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Mackfam
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Joined: April 24 2006
Location: Alabama
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Posts: 14656
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| Posted: July 09 2011 at 9:18pm | IP Logged
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When it starts to feel like this it helps me to sit down with my best brainstormer --> my husband! I confide all that I'm overwhelmed with: areas I'm struggling and need to exercise more discipline, habits the kids need to work on, routines that need firming up, areas of the house in need of attention. I confide it ALL. It tends to all come spilling out in a big flood of emotion and I need that to happen so I can then begin to process less emotionally and with more of an eye toward order and intuitive solutions.
Then...
We brainstorm.
We start to break down and identify areas or groups that need work...like:
Me --> identify major areas that need self discipline. Identify vice. Identify opposite virtue. Brainstorm ways to set myself up for success. Identify a simple goal to work on and write it down somewhere (I like to do this in my planner on a monthly journal page).
Refresh my commitment to daily prayer -- freshen prayer books, tidy prayer basket, locate novena that might help with virtue habit I'm working on.
Husband --> Identify areas I really need his help. How can I help him make good use of his home time to help me more? Are there any special chores that only he can do that need to be done around the home? Prioritize these on a list! Ask him for accountability checks.
Kids --> Identify the habits that need to be developed. Only list 1 - 3 per child. Prioritize the list and pick the top habit for each child that needs work. Write down each child's name and the list of 3 habits that most need work in my journal/planner along with my goal/virtue (this is not for public viewing...only for dh and I). Now, if you have more than one child, you'll need to prioritize which child's habit you work on (because you'll need to drop almost everything and work that habit and it will be really overwhelming if you try to do too much at the same time), but chances are, all the children will benefit if you're working on, say for example, right away obedience. More below on home chores which the kids should be doing...suffice to say --> responsibility BEFORE privilege <--
Home --> Now it's time to look around your spaces and be reasonable as well as VERY HONEST. You cannot manage a home if it is NOT MANAGEABLE. This requires a time investment. Painful at first? Yep! Payoffs? More than I can count!!! Do this with your dh because even though I sort of vent /confide emotionally at first, I'm probably getting emotional again and dh helps me remain rational. I may WANT to take a sledge-hammer to the tv or throw out every single toy, BUT the tv and the toys are NOT the problem. The problem is with family routines and habits, and those are my responsibility to identify, address and enforce. This part may take some time.
Grab a clipboard or spiral notebook so you can take notes. Use one page for every room in your home. Take your dh and walk through your house one room at a time. Stand in a room and ask yourself:
What is the purpose of this room?
How does it need to function for our family?
Are there things in this room that aren't helping this space/room work for us? Identify and list.
In what ways can furniture/objects be rearranged so this room works better for our family?
Does this room contain an element of beauty? Is it enjoyable to be in?
Does this room lack order? Is finding the tools in this room intuitive?
You're ONLY MAKING THE LIST ON THIS WALK-THROUGH!!! Do NOT pick up anything, rearrange anything, move anything! Stay focused. Go through every.single.room. Use one page per room (if you are an out of sight out of mind person, make post it notes and line a hallway with them!!! Use the tools that work with the way YOU WORK!!!). Make your list. In the same way you identified priorities for habits for you and the children to work on, now identify a prioritized list of rooms. If it were me, I'd work on those spaces that get lived in the most first, but YOU and DH decide what is important to you. Set a REASONABLE goal for working through ONE ROOM AT A TIME.
Sit back down because you now have a plan!!! Time for wine and a deep breath!
An approach to your one-room-at-a-time plan?
First, take EVERYTHING out of the room that doesn't belong. Put them in big rubbermaid bins if you have to. The goal is to get the stuff that doesn't fit with the purpose of that room O-U-T!! If you're going through your whole house, it's helpful to have a landing zone for all that stuff (garage, line the hall with rubbermaid bins, bedroom or bathroom you can lock down for a bit). You don't need to go through the stuff you remove, just get it out of a space if it doesn't belong.
Next, look at what you have left and begin to ask yourself if the placement and order is INTUITIVE for your family! Example: everyone else has silverware in a tray, but it works better for your family if silverware is standing in a caddy. FINE!! Your home is full of TOOLS, and your family needs those tools to be useful and ordered so you can make the best use of them. Store and order your tools in ways that are intuitive for your family!
Reality check --> do you have a gazillion can openers? dollys? magazines? clothing? plastic cups? A few of a kind of thing can be a help. A gazillion is just a recipe for clutter and mess. Give yourself permission to keep the best tools you have and put the rest in your landing zone.
When you've purged a room, and ordered the room, (if you're not on your first room), you might want to go through your landing zone piles to see if anything in those piles really belongs in the room you've just ordered. BE CAREFUL --> DO NOT ADD BACK *STUFF* JUST BECAUSE!!!! You only add something back if it's needed. Example: you've cleaned out the girls room, but you found that they have no working reading lamp. You check the landing zone and there is a lamp there. Great! It's needed!
Go through every.single.room that needs this until you're done. You will likely (DEFINITELY) have a huge pile of stuff in your landing zone by now. Sort all that extra stuff. Give yourself permission to pass along unneeded tools to bless another family. Keep the stuff that is sentimental, but be reasonable here...don't overdo it! Call the local thrift store for pick up!
************ MAINTENANCE ************
Chores --> You will be amazed how easy this is once you've really taken the time to order your home. Set up a detailed chore chart. This is NOT rocket science. Make a list of kids, consider age and abilities, consider jobs that need to be done around the house, assign tasks. Assign buddies to littler people to help them learn. Kids should be helping significantly around the home; this assists them in understanding responsibility and avoids a child growing up with a sense of entitlement (everything is owed to me because I have a right to something). Children are capable of exercising responsibility and we do them a dis-service by not training them for responsibility and expecting reasonable work from them when they are in our home.
QUICK TIDY --> all week long, every day. Spend 10 minutes every day tidying spaces. Everyone (including you) run around and put things away, return room stuff to rooms, socks to dirty clothes (yeah...I know how that works!!), books to book tables/baskets. Everything back to its place. It should be easy-peasy to do this to every room except kids rooms in 10 - 15 minutes (I don't require kids rooms to be cleaned up until Saturday, but that's easy too because I only let kids keep 3 - 4 toys out at a time. We have a big closet we treat like a lending library and once rooms are cleaned a child can TRADE out a toy for another toy. I have thoughts on toys!!  ). And, quick tidying is what keeps spaces in order for the long haul!
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Now, I know this was a long post, but the point is that this is totally doable with the skills and the helpers you have. I don't have Managers of Their Homes, it could be a wonderful and inspiring book/program...so I'm not trying to dissuade you from looking further into it! As a Catholic though, I am grateful and inspired because Holy Mother Church offers us much wisdom when it comes to detachment from *things* (we need less than we think we need), letting us know that material blessings can be good tools in raising our families when we are being good stewards in discerning those tools and making use of them, and God ever reminds us that He is a God of Order. He does not operate in chaos or disorder or confusion. As an Image of God, what a worthy and noble pursuit to align our domestic church more closely with order, discipline and the virtues.
I hope there is something here that is a help!  Good luck to you!
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Struggles with the chaos!
