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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: July 09 2011 at 11:41am | IP Logged
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My one and only child will be turning 6 soon. We had a very, very special celebration for him for his 5th bday and I explained to him that his 5th, 10th, 15th, etc. would be bigger than others. Now let me qualify what I mean by big: (we do not do the big celebration at an expensive birthday facility, ever - why? money, we always live on a budget because we have to) So last year as we did the year before we had the extended family party at the our community pool and it always falls on the big swim meet competition day at some other pool and so we have the whole thing to ourselves. Great! and it cost us like $25.00 for admission plus food, great! And we have a pinata filled with candy and back at the house we have cake and ice cream, we do this every year eiterh the sat before or after his bday. And then on on his bday last year we had a little kid party for him (with the remaining foods and cake) at the house and then had an initimate party for just the 3 of us in the evening and went to the pool again. We do that every year for the past 2 years. Well the little kid party was an add - on upon son's request and it cost nothing so it was fun and fine. So what is the difference from last year from the year before that I do not want to repeat again this year? Its going to Party City. Last yr I spent about between cake, food, party city stuff, pool admission probably $300.00! That is a lot of money for us! We can afford it but it all adds up. My hubby and I do not want to spend that kind of money again this year, he will be 6. 2 yrs ago I baked the cake, it was a simple round chocolate cake with the hard sugar happy birthday words placed on it. But last year we had a theme to his birthday and party city provided it and we had a theme cake too provided by the grocery store. So hmmm now that I have upped the anti sort of I wonder about this year. Many thoughts go around my head about this...
am I creating a birthday-zilla? (like bride-zilla) (he being an only child he does not have to wait for things and so recently I noticed a marked poor response from him when dealing with disappointment (like no free cookie at the grocery store) or contribution (like me asking him to pick up his toys, etc.) and so we have been dealing with disappointment and contribution to teh family with grace and I have to say he has really really really improved markedly, I am very impressed!
at some point the parties will evolve into kid only parties as opposed to extended family ones I believe - and it should be less taxing and expensive I believe, I hope at that time - any advice on transitioning to this and best time to do it? We did it when I was kid after we moved to timbucktoo so it made sense and I was 7 but that is not the case here.
I just have a gut feeling that birthdays are such a greedy time, I cringe as I write that. I know in some other cultures birthdays are about a time of thanking others for being in your life and actually giving to the guests instead of the birthday boy or girl getting things - I know this would be OVER the top and I would not do it but I just cannot articulate what I feel here. I just don't want to contribute to brathood if that is a word for my son. You know what I mean?
As an only child it is so easy to give him things and he gets a lot and does not have to share and as I said before I recently put a stop to it to help him work on disapointment and contribution to the family with grace and he has made great strides.
Also because I have an only I able to (maybe this is the really where the source of my angst is coming from) really focus with my son on what gifts he wants. Because I have an only we can go to the toy store and we can focus on what toys he wants. What we have been doing for Birthday past 2 yrs is we go to the toy store and play what I call 'trade up' Meaning he picks out 2 toys that are reasonably price and puts them in to the shopping cart. If he likes a 3rd then he must 'trade up' one of the ones in teh shoppingcart and put it back . Then when we are all done I make a mental note of what he likes best and we leave without purchasing anything. Later on I buy what he wants and surprise him. through this my husabnd and I feel that we get to know him even more in a way because there are some toys that we think for sure would be the most awesomest of all toys and we would have loved loved loved htem if we were his age but no he likes them but he likes what he likes and it is different - so there is the good thing from playing trade up, since then we play trade up on-line but certainly not all the time and I just bookmark what he wants. But still it bugs me. I cannot articulate why exactly.
I recall Michael Medved saying on the radio that his barmitzvah was a time of greed for him, it was all about the loot he got. he was a kid and he is recalling his demeanor at the time.
My son often things Christmas is a 2nd bday for himself! or at least in the past and I wrote a short story about His favorite character, THmoas the tank engine who thinsk that too et. cetc. and in the end he learns it is not about his birthday but about Jesus' and so my son knows that too now. But I just am bothered by this.
And then there are the relatives and of course I always take photos and scrapbook them and recently the son of a boyfriend of our neice was not in the grandchildren photo at my mil's 80th bday party. I didn't think to include or exclude him, he just wasn't in the picture, whatever, but someone's nose is all bent out of shape so to speak about it. ridiculous. my sil had begged me to scrapbook events of her child (not related to the neice or her boyfriend or his son) and so I did but I will not anymore. The story of upsetness came through 4th party and it kept changing and to me it sounded like a 'hate Rosemarie' party. So that's it. I will take photos of my son at his party and that is that. The others oh well. I will photograph that they were there but that is that and I am not giving out scrapbooks as presents any more. Too bad for them. (and I am the in-law but I was begged to do it andso I did for my mil's 80th as well and no complaints from her, whatever.)
I know its not about me, my son's party but what I would like to do is something simple - a kid party maybe at the pool, photograph and scrapbook it (I do it digitally and so it costs me NOTHING I love love love it!) and I would like to try my hands at making the cake in a special way and NOT go to party city and pay their high high high prices but instead get theme plates, napkins, and table cover only and a few presents from us of course and of course the pinata, we do that every year, the kids love it.
Your thoughts, thank you!
ps. some in the past have said to get around the problems I experience by having more children but i had my son late in life. I had cancer as a younger person and this is teh child God has given us and I am very grateful. we looked long and hard at adoption but it is not in the cards for us for various reasons. We are now in our late 40s also.
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JennGM
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| Posted: July 09 2011 at 12:30pm | IP Logged
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Birthday parties or anything with family is going to be wrought with hurt feelings and frustration. Undoubtedly someone is going to be offended, but you can't please all.
We don't do huge parties, and some years have been more elaborate than others. 5th birthday was knights themed, with some jousting in the backyard. The following two birthdays we continue to set up the jousting, just because it is fun.
Anyway, do the little less birthday at your pool. We do the pinata and extended family for a meal and cake and ice cream and just fun play.
My family always tries to keep things in focus -- remember, you're not taking these people in to raise, it's just a celebration of YOUR son's birthday. You don't want it to become a "ME, ME, ME Fest", just to have fun and enjoy everyone's company. Your reasoning is just perfect -- the "5s" birthdays are the big ones. Period. And go on with the simple planning.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: July 09 2011 at 2:02pm | IP Logged
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We started a family tradition of making cakes at home...it wasn't too hard. We have made R2-D2 cakes, Power Puff Girl cakes, Star Wars Y-wing cakes (with help from some Lego figures), etc. As our children got older they got more involved with the decorating - sometimes with interesting results - but it was their cake and they loved it. And other than cake ingredients, frosting and food coloring (and sprinkles...gotta have those...) it didn't set us back much. I usually set them up on a big piece of cardboard covered with foil. No need for a pricy cake tray.
If there's some kind of dollar store near you, perhaps you can look there for party supplies. You can also save a bit by choosing themed plates but a solid color tablecloth and napkins that coordinate.
Your son will grow out of the "all about the presents" phase, especially since you are so careful about forming his character. I wouldn't worry too much about that part. He's pretty young still...and part of it is just that he wants to be like cousins and friends his own age, and they all get birthday gifts.
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kristinannie
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| Posted: July 09 2011 at 7:30pm | IP Logged
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I find that I do spend a little too much on birthday parties, but my kids are so young and the day is really important to them. We usually go somewhere else so I don't have to deal with the mess afterward! This year, I ordered my party supplies from Oriental Trading Post. It was a lot cheaper than Party City.
While I do work on the greediness of the whole thing, I think it is normal for kids of that age to be a little greedy. I think it is a good idea to have the child give some toys away to the poor before receiving his new toys.
I don't think you need to explain to us why you only have one child! I think anyone that would say you will act differently if you have more children is ridiculous.
If you can afford it, I don't think there is anything wrong with a little splurge for a birthday party for a child that age. As they get older, they will want to have smaller parties that will be a lot cheaper. Enjoy this time in his life. It goes by so fast!
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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: July 13 2011 at 10:11pm | IP Logged
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thankyou all for your responses, they are very very helpful. I'm afraid I need more advice. We are going ahead as I said above, a lesser expensive bday where we have the saturday pool party for family and then a friends party the day of and followed by an immediate family (husband, son and myself) All is well and we will be skipping party city and we will be making the cake too. Yay!
here is the rub... relatives inviting guests to the pool party, it would not be such a big deal if it was not a child my son's age who is very badly behaved. The only time we met them was at family halloween party thrown by sil. The boys family is like us wehre it is only mother, father, and son, who is about my son's age if not exactly. So what's the problem? he is slightly autistic, still not a big deal, and he does not listen to his parents at all. He was very badly behaved at the party and my son started to get into his antics too. My sil has been pushy at first giving me her phone number and asking if I called her for a play date but thankfully they live like 5 hours away so I've been able to make good excuses. It has not been brought up again until now. THey want to invite them, they liked us and wanted to be around us - oh of course I did not mention that the mother came to the party as a (are you sitting down?) a pregnant nun! My husband's eyes were like saucers so she took off the belly part and we talked and she apologized. I think they are catholic I guess but that is not the question - what a mom! I don't want her kid there, period. My son is going to learn bad habits and hten he is going to get yelled at at his party. I don't want them there. How do I get out of it? Help please.
Thank you! Really help my husband to word it right. We can use cost issue like oh we cannot afford it - lame excuse - my husband should just say - he is very badly behaved and say it just like that, what do you say? Thank you!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 13 2011 at 10:16pm | IP Logged
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a child that is autistic is not like a child that is misbehaving on purpose or do to bad parenting.. they tend to be like a younger child plus they can be very hard to handle.. especially in difficult situations.. party situations are often difficult for them. Normal methods of child training often don't work. They're probably hoping for the opposite.. that your son will help their son learn more normal behaviors.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: July 13 2011 at 10:38pm | IP Logged
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I grew up with a developmentally disabled aunt who also has cerebral palsy...and spend a lot of time with her disabled friends on Saturday mornings as a child.
If you sit your son down and clearly explain what autism is and how autistic children behave, he'll get it.
Having said that, it sounds from your description as though your SIL is inviting someone else - not family - to the party. If this is the case, you are well within your rights to explain that the party is for family and your son's close friends only, and you'll have to get together with this boy and his parents at another time. It's your event. You get to do the inviting. If your SIL does not like that, well...there are choices here, but I think if it were me I would want to maintain control of my guest list, just on principle.
It would be a kindness to invite the autistic boy, his parents, your SIL and her family to another event (pool, park, something inexpensive) at a later date...but you don't have to let your SIL change your plans for a birthday party.
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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: July 13 2011 at 10:45pm | IP Logged
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thank you, the autistic boy and his family is not a member of our family or extended family, they are friends with my sil, that is all. the mother of the autistic boy likes me a lot and wants to be friends with me but she lives so far away and I don't like how little control she has over her son, yes he is slightly autistic, I get that, but also just the whole situation, thank you! any other advice please? I really don't want to get together with that boy or his family AT ALL. I have always been very polite to them even though. Thank you!
I can see from my earlier post that one would think that the autistic boy is a family member but he is not, he and his mom and dad are friends of my sil, that is all. sorry for the confusion.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: July 13 2011 at 11:04pm | IP Logged
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In that case, I'd just tell your SIL that you're working within a budget and can't expand your guest list. True and tactful.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: July 13 2011 at 11:11pm | IP Logged
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guitarnan wrote:
| In that case, I'd just tell your SIL that you're working within a budget and can't expand your guest list. True and tactful. |
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It is rude to invite oneself to a party (under most circumstances.) You can add that this is a "By Invitation Only" party. If this is your dh's sister, I would hand the whole situation over to him.
Praying all goes peacefully!
Love,
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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: Aug 03 2011 at 9:31am | IP Logged
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Thank you all for your great advice. We had the party this past saturday and all went TERRIFIC. And it was my dh's sister that was doing the extra inviting and he handled her and she understood.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Aug 03 2011 at 9:43am | IP Logged
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Oh how WONDERFUL! I love a happy ending  . Your dh is the best  . Thanks for the update, Rosemarie.
Love,
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Angie Mc
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: preparing for my son's 6th bday
