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Grateful in VA
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| Posted: June 21 2011 at 3:21pm | IP Logged
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My oldest (8yr old) is constantly trying to correct my other children. He even goes so far as to try to control the younger ones interactions with each other.
He feels that since he is the oldest and therefore expected to do more chores around the house, somehow, it became his right to boss around the younger kids.
I'm afraid that since we do ask more of him and give him a few perks(being able to stay up later and watch movies we still find innappripriate for our younger kids) he has developed a sense of entitlement.
How do we put him in his place while still rewarding him for the extra help he is capable of giving?
Help!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 21 2011 at 3:36pm | IP Logged
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umm by putting them in their place? I've had numerous conversation that go along the lines of "you may not _________ your siblings. You are NOT the parent".
Remember as the oldest they are also figuring out how to be the oldest sibling and the only person they have to copy is you so it's natural that they'll try and parent instead of help as an older sibling. Often it doesn't take consequences per say.. just correction. No you may not do _________ you may come and get me (this is always an option for all kids), you may.. whatever else you feel they can do. The greater the age difference the more likely I am to accept a child correcting another with gentle correction.
Think of it as teaching them to be an employee/employer/team member.. for instance.. on chores.. teaching them that they will get cooperation by working themselves and asking for help on specific tasks AS LONG AS they continue to work. It worked when I was working in college.. I could get way more done than a lot of the managers because I would be working on something and ask someone to please do __________ while I'm doing ________.
The consequence is that the helpers don't help and then they're likely to lose the helpers when they start getting frustrated and yell. And the reward is that when you do follow it.. that the helpers help.. and mom gives out compliments.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: June 21 2011 at 4:28pm | IP Logged
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I read somewhere, I think on these boards, someone say that oldest children are going to be bossy, no way to change it, so our job is to make sure they are bossy and loving/charitable.
That helped me realize I couldn't change my oldest's natural inclination.
But, I also have many conversations like Jodie describes. I think that just like I have to remind my second to "do his duty" and help out, I have to remind my oldest that he isn't the parent and not to attempt to punish/boss his siblings.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 21 2011 at 4:37pm | IP Logged
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reminding them does work.. along with teaching them how to direct as an equal.. after all you'll probably work with many more people in your life of whom you're an equal than a superior.. and the good news is that the same skills work when you're in charge of someone else as well.
My oldest has figure it out.. some of the time.. and my second oldest is just starting to remember and seeing some results from doing so as well.
The thing that helps is that you're giving the skills to get others to work with you.. that isn't "bossing". And they'll use that many more places than in the family.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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jawgee
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| Posted: June 21 2011 at 5:06pm | IP Logged
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CrunchyMom wrote:
I read somewhere, I think on these boards, someone say that oldest children are going to be bossy, no way to change it, so our job is to make sure they are bossy and loving/charitable.
That helped me realize I couldn't change my oldest's natural inclination. |
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As the oldest of 5 kids, I totally agree. I have to fight the urge to boss everyone. LOL.
My first-born is also bossy. I know that it is his nature and that he is a born-leader. I try to encourage him to be kind when he is directing the littler ones and patient with them. Being a natural leader will serve him well when he is an adult if learns now that a leader and a dictator are two different things. 
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Monica
C (12/2001), N (11/2005), M (5/2008), J (8/2009) and three angels
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 21 2011 at 5:17pm | IP Logged
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*snort*  I'm an oldest, my dh is an oldest, we have an oldest girl and an oldest boy.. and then personality-wise I have at least another 3 that act like they are oldest.. and 2 to be determined (well 3 if you count the one due in Nov)
there are way to mean "oldest's" in this house.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Grateful in VA
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| Posted: June 21 2011 at 6:04pm | IP Logged
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Drat. I tried to post a reply quoting from more than one of you in one reply but I couldn't figure out how to do it.
Anyway...your responses help put his reactions into perspective. I think I was just looking at the individual trangressions and getting annoyed without taking in the bigger picture.
You guys are awsome.
My husband is older than his only sibling, a sister, by 10 years. I am the younger than my only sibling, a brother, by 2 years. We have no experience with a multi-sibling hierarchy.  Having only 1 sibling and that one being of the opposite sex creates less conflict in the chore department.
My second oldest (6 years old) likes to sit on his rear and watch his big brother do all the work. It drives us crazy that he doesn't chip in unless we threaten taking away favorite toys etc. I find it pretty interesting that Crunchmom has the same problem with her second.
Honestly numbers 3 and 4 (twin 4 year old girls) don't like to do much without a lot of persuading.
Our youngest(3 year old boy) is happy to do whatever we ask him.
Of course, this is all more complex than chores. There are all kinds of conflicts over toys too
Hmm, any insight from the multi sibling pros out there? What have you found to be the biggest challenges with your kids based on oldest, middle, and youngest? How have you tackled these problems.
Maybe I should have started another topic. We'll see how this goes.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 21 2011 at 6:23pm | IP Logged
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give specific tasks to each child.. it's the best way to make sure that the oldest isn't having to do everything or get into trouble because it's not done.
I can't remember anything as frustrating as being given the responsibility for making sure jobs got done and no authority or backing up if my younger sister didn't get her share done.
I fix it by giving them each specific tasks within a job if they need to be sharing it. Like one child washes the dishes and the other dries and puts away.. easy to tell which child isn't working 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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jawgee
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| Posted: June 21 2011 at 6:42pm | IP Logged
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Grateful in VA wrote:
| My second oldest (6 years old) likes to sit on his rear and watch his big brother do all the work. It drives us crazy that he doesn't chip in unless we threaten taking away favorite toys etc. I find it pretty interesting that Crunchmom has the same problem with her second. |
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Ah, my second child is like this, too.
I was the oldest of five, and the next-in-line in my family growing up was like, too. I remember a high school friend saying "What are your parents going to do when you leave for college? There's no way they'll be able to get your sis to do all of the chores you do." Ah, how right he was.
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Monica
C (12/2001), N (11/2005), M (5/2008), J (8/2009) and three angels
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 21 2011 at 6:43pm | IP Logged
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Another thought.. he will also probably apply rules across the board. If he has to always hang up his jacket he may be thinking that it's always been required of him and so might think that the 3 year old should be expected to do the same thing.. and yes he'll apply the rules across the board but not the rewards
So when you're correcting him you might also give some ideas on child development and what's normal.. it's normal for a 3 yr old to be messy when they eat. A 6 year old knows how to use a napkin and sit nicely.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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MichelleW
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| Posted: June 22 2011 at 12:28am | IP Logged
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Well, I don't know if this would work for you, but what I have done in my home and in my Girl Scout troop is train the bossy one. I consider that person a natural leader, so instead of trying to break him of his natural bent I try to give him the tools he needs to manage the tasks he has. In our family we ARE responsible for each other and reminding a sibling that we don't stand on our chair at the table IS a good thing.
Before beginning any given task I will take the "leader" aside and tell him, "You have been given some precious jewels. The first one is your brother, he is good at XXX, how could that help you in this task? How can you encourage that skill in your brother. Your sister is a thinker, and she is going to move more slowly. What job can you give her that will use her skill best?"
I also rotate who is in charge of what task.
Your son is still young, but should be able to notice that his siblings are good at certain things. Give him the task of affirming those traits in his siblings. Spend some time with him noticing what things his siblings can do for themselves (so that he doesn't teach helplessness by always taking over) and what things they need that are still too difficult for them.
And then relieve some of his burden. I know that you haven't put it there, but he feels responsible for his siblings. Let him know that he does play an important part in who they will become, but that God is holding all things in His Big Hands.
I am afraid I have been very obtuse, but I really want to encourage you that a family can run beautifully by embracing those quirky personality traits.
Blessings,
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Michelle
Mom to 3 (dd 14, ds 15, and ds 16)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: bossy eldest child
