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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: May 23 2011 at 9:09am | IP Logged
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Dawdling makes me crazy. Crazy I tell you.
I've tried setting time limits so that they need to have a job done by x time.
And they don't.
So, when they don't have the job done by then, what?
Mom gets mad. I don't think they care.
Morning chores, which I think are VERY reasonable took them an hour and a half this morning with me yelling from behind the nursing baby the whole time.
It is unacceptable, but I am at a loss for how to fix it.
I tell you what is maddening is that when you have a new baby, the time when you need help the most, is the time they take advantage the most.
So, A, what is a reasonable amount and time for chores?
B) what is a reasonable consequence for dawdling?
C) Any other insights into addressing this issue would be appreciated. It is the sort of thing that drives me towards insanity. I mean, there is NO way to do school when it takes all day to do the most basic tasks.
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Lindsay
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JennGM
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| Posted: May 23 2011 at 9:28am | IP Logged
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We're struggling so much in that area right now, Lindsay. Seems my boys have a great imagination and are distracted so easily!
I take away little pleasure things -- no Tintin or Asterix for a day, no reading at night before sleep, no video, dessert for the evening.
I know what you mean about nursing and feeling so frustrated. BTDT!!! The hardest thing is that you can't follow through or check up on the boys when you are pinned down.
The biggest factor for me, which won't apply well for your situation in nursing right now, is to walk through the jobs with the boys, showing them how to do it. I think they need refresher courses. Then after doing that, check up after being done.
And then there's the timer. It can be a race against the clock...who gets done first, or the timer is the enforcer. Not done, consequence will ensue.
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DominaCaeli
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| Posted: May 23 2011 at 9:51am | IP Logged
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I certainly think that some personality types "accidentally" dawdle--one of my children in particular just gets distracted if I am not watching him complete the task and works extremely slowly, without meaning to disobey. I think that's a personality issue and an age issue (my oldest two are only 4), so it's to be expected. That doesn't mean it shouldn't be addressed and worked on, of course. But part of the problem there is my fault--I need to be constantly supervising when I am working on forming their habits (a la Charlotte Mason), and often I am not. And as you said, they often take advantage of that.
CrunchyMom wrote:
Mom gets mad. I don't think they care.
Morning chores, which I think are VERY reasonable took them an hour and a half this morning with me yelling from behind the nursing baby the whole time.
It is unacceptable, but I am at a loss for how to fix it. |
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THIS is the part that absolutely drives me crazy--it happens here too.  When I get the sense that my children genuinely don't care that they aren't acting properly, I up the ante, so to speak. If morning chores are tied to breakfast, for example, I would say they cannot eat until they're finished with their chores. And if they don't finish it the time allotted and it runs into breakfast time, then they miss breakfast. I don't think that would be too harsh (but maybe I'm a meanie?  ). For my kids, missing breakfast would be a good motivator, but I'm not sure what currency would work for your children, obviously. If they do morning chores after breakfast, I would have them skip their free play time later to finish.
Some other ideas--probably things you have tried, but just in case:
:: Do you have the morning chores listed out step by step and posted on a sign or list for them to refer to during chore time? This will cut down on excuses and the time they waste thinking about what is supposed to be next. I'm thinking too of Maryan's lanyards--maybe something like that?
:: Could chore time be broken into two shorter chore blocks to keep their interest fresher?
:: A talk from Dad might be helpful since you're dealing with boys--that seems to work well for my son.
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: May 23 2011 at 10:01am | IP Logged
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Yk, right now morning chores are after breakfast, but it might be better to say that we're eating breakfast at a particular time, and if you don't have chores done by then, you don't get breakfast. I don't think they would really miss many breakfasts.
I'm rethinking our morning routine anyway because my husband's office hours are changing. So, that gives me a bit more leverage to work with!
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Lindsay
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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jawgee
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| Posted: May 23 2011 at 11:25am | IP Logged
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I'm not opposed to bribery.
Right now my oldest (who is still in school this year) has a chart going. If he has his morning chores done and is off to school on time every day until the end of the year then he gets to go to a lazer tag party with his cousin. Usually it's not something that extravagent, but we were desperate - and I knew that he had been dying to go to the lazer tag place with his uncle and cousin. (By the way, it's been three weeks and he hasn't been late yet!)
My youngest knows that there is no screen time until his chores are done. He's only 5, and he works his tail off every morning to be able to watch a show.
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Grace&Chaos
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| Posted: May 23 2011 at 11:30am | IP Logged
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I can completely relate to your frustration. I'm constantly rethinking our daily routine. My boys (and girls) can be so easily distracted. I don't know what it is about us moms but dads (at least around here) are so much better at getting them to just do it. 
I'm starting to get better at follow through of consequences (this has always been my weakest area). I try to find times right before big things like lunch time, snack time, going somewhere (they love riding in the car) or free hour time (they pick any electronic device to play with/watch) to get them to do certain chores in their rooms and bathroom. I'll give a reasonable time before the good part is suppose to happen and then they are to go get it done or miss out. I end up doing a lot of count down, " 15 min...10min...5min.. final minute!"
Other routine chores are just plain and simply done at the moment or something special gets taken away (dessert, free hour, ...) Things like clean up table after meals, sweep under table, clear up learning areas after we're done, living room area is always to be clear of toys and clutter (they do a pretty good job of this, if you're not playing with it or reading it put it away).
We don't watch tons of television but I'm starting to use those not so often times to get them to help with laundry. They stall alot but it gets done. The little boys bring it to the couch from the dryer, the girls fold and they all put it away.
I always joke with my dh that by the end of the day I feel like a drill sergeant and should add military experience to my resume . And all this said, I still deal with tons of dawdling 
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 23 2011 at 11:45am | IP Logged
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A list of what they need to do will help.
I've also considered but haven't managed to implement (early pregnancy and TIRED) a chart that if done on time a job gets a full credit.. and if done but done late.. only half a credit.. and they'll have to have a certain number of credits to get to do any of their fun things. For instance if your morning and afternoon chores aren't done then you can't play with friends.. but that could even be.. you have to have one and a half credits to get to play.. that means they might be done late with one job (job=set of chores) but they can't be late with both to get to go play. Or scouts that happens once a week.. maybe they need 9 credits in the last week (since the last scout meeting) and we don't count weekends when Dad's home to give out other jobs. that means they can miss getting credit for one job that week or have 2 late jobs only.
I just haven't figured out exactly how to manage it yet myself.. 
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 23 2011 at 11:46am | IP Logged
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oh and as far as being "tied down" with nursing.. do yourself a favor and figure out how to get up and move.. at least a little.. or to nurse in a sling or something.. or even just let baby scream a moment.. because it only takes a couple of times for the kids to learn that mom will get up, even from nursing the baby, to deal with disobedience/delays/etc.. for it to happen much less often.
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: May 23 2011 at 12:02pm | IP Logged
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I do move some with the baby. I used to wear my babies all the time, but I've pretty serious back problems the past few years, and having my back out means I'm completely useless, and I'm trying really hard not to let that happen again. These last two babies have been so much heavier, too, and those extra few pounds early on really put a lot of extra strain! This little guy is pretty needy, and I already let him cry a lot more than I ever did any of my other babies. He's perfectly content if held/nursing and rarely content if not. He's a catnapper, too, and does not sleep well. I'm sure that my juggling the new baby is a big factor in not getting a handle on other issues around the house, this included.
Also, that is so true, Jenny, about how Dad has a little more clout.
Another benefit to making the early morning requirement before breakfast is that they would have to have their early morning chores done before Dad leaves the house. Dad isn't much of a morning person, but it might help us start the day on a good foot if he's around to help enforce discipline during the first leg of the day.
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Aagot
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| Posted: May 23 2011 at 4:07pm | IP Logged
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I live by this, "You waste my time, you owe me time."
How does it work? I have an index card for each school aged child. Number from 100 down to 80 or more if necessary. After one and only one warning for any bad behavior (interupting, disrupting class, not doing chores etc.) they lose a point. There is a consequence attached to the number of points they lose. For example, for each point, they owe me 10 minutes of ... time out, or an extra chore etc. After 5 points they lose computer time (they get 2 hours per month). After 10 points they lose movie time (we have a family movie each Sunday afternoon). I have never had to go past that but I am sure I could think of something.
Why the index card? Well, I'm getting old and I can't even remember what they did wrong let alone what I threatened them with for more than a minute or so.
Honestly, I haven't had to keep up with this for longer than 2 weeks. The cards are still there if I need them but usually the kids get it that I am serious and I only need to bring it out again if they start slipping or think of something new to drive me crazy with.
And yes! I think breakfast after chores is a great idea as long as you can endure their pathetically hungry faces the whole morning
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SaraP
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| Posted: May 23 2011 at 9:30pm | IP Logged
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CrunchyMom wrote:
| Yk, right now morning chores are after breakfast, but it might be better to say that we're eating breakfast at a particular time, and if you don't have chores done by then, you don't get breakfast. I don't think they would really miss many breakfasts. |
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This is the policy around here. I wake everyone an hour before breakfast and they have chores that take about 15 minutes and I still I have one who misses breakfast more mornings than not. Then I have a hungry, distracted kid during lessons - not ideal. But I haven't come up with anything better because otherwise nothing. gets. done. 
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KackyK
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| Posted: May 23 2011 at 10:35pm | IP Logged
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Okay this probably isn't helpful but...
Our mornings were a disaster with morning chores, so I've just made prebed chores. Yes beds are not made in the morning, but oh well. In the morning now all they are responsible for is getting dressed and brushing teeth. All clean up was done the night before. It's easier for me to get some kiddos moving in the evening than in the morning.
I don't know what your morning chores are, but can any be done in the evening instead??
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: May 24 2011 at 7:56am | IP Logged
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Well, this morning, we initiated before breakfast chores, and it worked pretty well. It helped that dh was on board. They still had kitchen chores after breakfast, but the baby miraculously slept for 20 minutes while I cleaned the kitchen alongside their chores, so that helped.
As a side note, I think I'm just going to have to face the fact that my baby is a catnapper and put him down for the 15 minutes here 20 minutes there that I get. I think the hardest thing about nursing an infant is that loss of momentum that comes with sitting and having all that oxytocin and prolactin relax away all motivation to do much else
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jawgee
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| Posted: May 24 2011 at 10:15am | IP Logged
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CrunchyMom wrote:
| As a side note, I think I'm just going to have to face the fact that my baby is a catnapper and put him down for the 15 minutes here 20 minutes there that I get. I think the hardest thing about nursing an infant is that loss of momentum that comes with sitting and having all that oxytocin and prolactin relax away all motivation to do much else |
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Ah, yes, I had two of those babies. I would sit down to nurse and then I would have to fight to make myself get up. LOL.
Glad things went better this morning!
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herdingkittens
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Another vote for finishing up during free time....
I have a MEGA-dawdler, and it is a genetic makeup thing for him. He is especially dreamy during after dinner helps, so I started setting up a game to play for anyone who finishes their helps before the timer goes off. Excellent motivator for him, plus, it forces me to stop running around at night and play and have a little fun.
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| Posted: May 30 2011 at 4:19pm | IP Logged
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I second the take the time to get up from nursing and show them mom means it. IAs stated before, it doesn't take long for them to get the idea that Mom means it, they just have to test it. I am speaking from very recent experience. The twins are starting that tesing stuff, definitely more with me than dh. A few times recently they have given me the test of what I was going to do if they did not obey me. Dh was actually very close at hand, I was nursing, and so wanted to just ask him to enforce what I had said thwe said 2yo. However I thought, if Dad is always the one enforcing what I say then theny will think that when Dad's out of the room, they can push the limits and not listen to me. So... I got up from my "just sat down to nurse on the couch, and enjoying a short moment of sitting spot", laid baby down and dealt with defying offspring, then went back to my nursing spot. They have learned to obey, knowing Mom WILL get up from behind the nursing baby and enforce what she says. 
This is aa great topic for me, we have dawdlers around here, when allowed to, and I know exactly what you mean when you say "how in the world are you supposed to get and studying done when it takes so awful long to even GET TO those studies!"
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Servant2theKing
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Pilgrim's mother and grandmother of her precious "childwuns" chiming in. Pilgrim was my first little dawdler, far too many years ago ~ my own dear mother used to always see the positive side of Pilgrim's own relaxed nature ~ she even gave her a lovely Holly Hobby plate with an encouraging sentiment like "Stop and smell the roses"! Now that I'm able to see things from a grandmother's perspective, as well as still dealing with them from a mother's perspective, I can actually chuckle over things like having to leave one's roost to flutter after an errant toddler! Just the other day Pilgrim was sharing with me over the phone how one of her "twinners", who shall remain nameless & blameless, was repeatedly putting dirt down the back of their slightly older brother's pants, while he remained completely oblivious ~ now that I'm older I see the humor in their antics far better than I was able to when mine were so young! My point in sharing all this is to give you all hope that dawdling and day dreaming are so much easier to view from the farther side of parenting ~ or perhaps we just get too old to care! With our younger dc I've definitely learned to relax a little more and I try to take every opportunity I can to stop and smell the roses!!!!
ETA: Our "dawdlers" have become our most detail oriented family blessings. Our sprinters often miss the extra details our dawdlers notice while they're blithelyl meandering along life's pathways! Lots of love and encouragement to all dawdlers, and mothers of dawdlers. It take all kinds of personalities and temperaments to make a family truly complete!
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Dawdling, timer, consequences
