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knowloveserve
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| Posted: May 18 2011 at 12:24pm | IP Logged
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Our oldest son is very self-oriented. I'm not sure if our parenting has contributed to that but the fact is that his world revolves around him and he has a very hard time thinking of others.
We talk a lot about virtues. I get the idea that he thinks the term "selfish" is an action... not necessarily a characteristic trait.
Even in acts of service (e.g. altar serving, donating to the poor etc.) he seems to do it out of a sense of self-glory or self-righteousness rather than a true concern for others.
Do you have any ideas on how to begin changing his frame of mind into one that considers others first?
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Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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stellamaris
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| Posted: May 18 2011 at 12:48pm | IP Logged
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Ellie, this really depends on his age. The process of becoming more selfless is a lifelong journey, but younger children are just beginning this pilgrimage. Doing unselfish things is a step in this process. Also important is the affirmation of parents for the child, which establishes a strong, healthy emotional life, and his own life experiences of suffering/need, which help us all learn to empathize with others.
Not knowing how old he is, that's about all I can say that applies generally. I'm sure your example of service will influence him. Also, don't be overly critical--we all struggle with mixed motives unless we are truly saints.
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Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 18 2011 at 12:49pm | IP Logged
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what age are you talking about? Sometimes it can have as much to do with the age/stage as anything else.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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stellamaris
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| Posted: May 18 2011 at 12:51pm | IP Logged
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Sorry--cross posted with you, Jodie!
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Caroline
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knowloveserve
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| Posted: May 18 2011 at 1:06pm | IP Logged
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Oh, sorry, it used to be in my signature. He's nearly 9.
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Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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jawgee
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| Posted: May 18 2011 at 3:44pm | IP Logged
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knowloveserve wrote:
| Oh, sorry, it used to be in my signature. He's nearly 9. |
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Sounds like my 9YO in a lot of ways. I really think it is the age.
My 9YO is very helpful around the house and is a great big brother. He also loves altar-serving. He does somtimes forget, though, that he's not the only child in this house.
On the other hand, I can see that he is a born-leader and very self-sufficient. One step at a time...
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stellamaris
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| Posted: May 19 2011 at 2:31am | IP Logged
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Children are born selfish. It is inherent in all of us. A baby doesn't care a bit about whether he wakes you up during the night to give him his food...nor should he, of course! Throughout the childhood years, children remain very self-centered. They can begin to do active works of service (as you say your son is doing) that move them outside of themselves, and this is a great start to the process of maturity. However, this process takes YEARS. I'd say the majority of my older children didn't really even begin to consistently express mature types of "selflessness" until they were in their later teen years (not that they didn't do a lot of service projects, etc. and not that they were selfish per se...just kids, that's all!). The expression of selflessness begins with small acts of service and little moments of empathy for others' pains and sufferings...such as when they help a younger brother or sister in some way.
When you talk about "selflessness", you are really talking about emotional maturity. The ability to place the needs of others truly on par with our own is the definition of a mature person. So, it is not surprising that your son, who is only 9, has not reached this level of maturity. Most adults have not reached it!
The best foundation you can give your son to assist him in growing into this maturity must contain these elements:
Clear instruction on morals and virtues
Examples of intercessory prayer
Opportunities for service
Affirm him by accepting and loving him as he is
It seems you are already doing the first three  ; the last one is important also and perhaps you are already doing that one, too. It can be difficult to strike the right balance, though, because we want to encourage our children to grow and mature, but at the same time in order to do that they need to know that we love them for who they are right at this minute...imperfections and all. Sometimes they only hear the "you've got to change..." part and not the "I love you right now just as you are" part. So, I would encourage you to be aware of this area.
Finally, recognize and accept the service your son does do as a positive good. We don't always have to FEEL selfless, but our Lord calls us to serve others regardless of our feelings. He will not say, "I was hungry and you felt like feeding me," but, "I was hungry and you (ACTUALLY) fed me." It is the action that Jesus focuses on here, and I think for good reason. We can will the action, not necessarily the feelings. While perfected motives are truly the hallmark of a saint, our Lord only calls us to obedience which involves the actions which are under the power of our will, not the feelings over which we rarely have complete control.
So in this area, I think you need not worry right now how your son is "feeling" about the service he is providing to others...just doing it is a positive good and will eventually help mature him toward more charitable feelings, as well.
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Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 19 2011 at 10:34am | IP Logged
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And really, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the service you give to others. My kids like getting to go out and shovel snow.. so they'll go up and down the block helping anyone who lets them.. Sure they're ecstatic when someone pays them, but they still help those that don't.
My kids enjoy serving the lunches/brunches at the Senior Center here in town. Pure service you might think. But the older people love having them there and so they chat with them and compliment them for their work. My kids come home feeling GREAT. But they have done service and I think the older people really enjoy them as well.
Really there's nothing wrong with feeling good from externals when you do service. We all like those feelings. And when most service does feel good.. then it's actually easier to do those things that go unnoticed.
But really, learning to do service, the feelings will mature with it. For instance, I have strict rules with the kids that they may help shovel snow but they may not ASK for pay, but they may accept it if offered. Encourage them to accept that they may not get any reward and they need to do it because they want to help. But don't object to them recieving the rewards that are offered. A lot of times, the people offering those rewards would be very hurt if they were refused.
And I don't deny the kids those good feelings.. what I do is typically expand on them.. That what they're doing is giving good feelings to others, that isn't it nice when we can do what we should be doing (helping others) and if feels good to us too.
Ask yourself seriously if it doesn't feel good when you help others.. isn't there some sort of satisfaction or good feeling from doing what you know is right even if it doesn't come from others. 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Topic: Curing the inherently selfish
