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Becky J
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| Posted: April 13 2011 at 12:55pm | IP Logged
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I am part of a parish moms' group, and an older mom at the parish recently sent the moms' group this message" "Enjoy every moment with your munchkins and your amazing group of mom-friends! It goes so fast..."
That sentence has been weighing on me because it makes me realize how overwhelmed and stressed out and anxious I am at this stage of my life, with 3 small kids, when really this should be such a happy time in my life. I am very blessed to have good health, stable finances, a loving husband, healthy children, and a good home. This really is the time in my life when I should be happiest. I wonder if I am going to look back in 30 years and wish I had tried harder to forget my worries and enjoy this blessed time in my life.
But how do I do that? Does anyone have advice from your own situation? I can't let my house go to pot, my children's education go to pot, our finances etc., but it seems like all those concerns are crowding out my enjoyment of my family.
Please help!
Thanks for your time!
Becky
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JodieLyn
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make time for counting your blessings.. think like you have a camera in your hands.. stop when you see one of those "pictures" and just enjoy it for a moment.
It sounds like you might need some work on a routine or schedule so that you aren't always worrying about getting to the next thing.. when the next thing has it's own time to happen you don't have to worry about getting to it. Like instead of trying to deep clean every room at once.. when you know that tomorrow is the time to mop the kitchen.. you can just ignore those minor spots today because it'll get cleaned tomorrow.
If you're trying to keep everything *perfect* all the time.. remind yourself that you're living in your house and most people with perfect houses have them because most people are out of the house most of the day, 5 days a week. That it's ok for the house to look lived in.. because it is.
Make times with your kids that isn't about keeping up with whatever school is supposed to be.. consider doing a nature walk with them regularly but not as part of school but as a time to share with each other.. you don't have to stop and look up each item you find.. you can just look at it and marvel about it and talk together.. or not talk at all just watch it.. and have that be enough. You've had time to enjoy being together.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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kristinannie
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| Posted: April 13 2011 at 1:30pm | IP Logged
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I completely get where you are coming from and I have recently been in the same boat. I have three kids (my oldest just turned 5). I'm not sure about the ages of your kids.
I realized one day that I just wasn't enjoying my kids enough. I was too busy doing a lot of useless things, especially for their preschool (the time commitment for pointless things such as goodie bags and snacks is truly incredible). I was also in the middle of putting our house on the market and moving. I just was "busy" all the time. The kids would ask me to play with them and I would just say I was too busy.
One day, I just realized what I was missing. The kids only grow up once. Of course, we have to cook and clean and teach. That's obviously not going to change. I made a schedule out and realized that I had more time than I thought. I was wasting a lot of time (especially on the computer  ). I decided to limit that time (it was mostly just 10 min here and there, but it really adds up). I also made bedtime a little earlier so I have free time with DH in the evenings. After dinner, we have family time almost every night. We play games, we do math manipulatives, we sing and dance. It is so wonderful to have that time. Even if it is only 30 minutes, it is such quality time.
I have also cut down on outside commitments that don't mean a lot to me. I was taking way too much time doing pointless things for the preschool to keep up with the other moms and I just put an end to that.
When I pray the rosary before bed, I have started really focusing on how blessed I am to have my beautiful children. I thank God for them several times a day in those quiet moments. I found this book very helpful when I read it a couple of weeks ago:
The Domestic Church: Room by Room
Just know that everyone goes through that. People are always telling me how fast it goes and I completely agree. I have just made the conscious decision to enjoy this process and this time in my life. If it means a few dishes in the sink or putting off vacuuming until tomorrow, so be it!
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John Paul 8.5
Meredith Rose 7
Dominic Michael 4.5
Katherine Elizabeth 8 months
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: April 13 2011 at 2:00pm | IP Logged
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What do you mean by enjoyment? I'm not sure that life has to be a walk onn the beach for us to enjoy it, and I certainly wouldn't enjoy life much if we had no clean clothes to wear, food prepared for meals, or ragamuffin children.
I don't think we can stop the working. But, we would probably enjoy the work that is part of our vocation if we fretted less.
Perhaps what she meant to suggest was revisiting priorities? We still have to serve meals, but perhaps we make the choice not to worry about the spilled milk and mass of crumbs. We can try to look at the messy table and floor as a joyful indicator of the toddler's presence, lol. We can't have the cute toddlerisms without the messes. Enjoying this time means focusing on the good things of this stage of our life rather than wishing it away or longing for the day when we don't have so much work. When the day comes that we have less work, we'll realize the work isn't what we'll remember, and we'll wished we focused more on the good things.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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JamieCarin
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I agree with whoever mentioned a household schedule if you don't have one already. And I would sit down and talk to your husband about what he thinks about how the house and kids are kept and what his priorities are. I was shocked to find out that my husband thought the house was by far clean enough and his only priority was that dinner was planned and made on time. I can do that! And so between that and a good schedule I can prioritize easier and get that enjoyable time with the kids.
Just try to slow down and appreciate all their little ways etc.
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Wife to Claudio for 9yrs, Mom to Ben (4), and Annabella (almost 3), and Beatrice (born 1/17/12)
Ad Silvam Ibimus
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SeaStar
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| Posted: April 13 2011 at 3:47pm | IP Logged
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I also have been there! 
What I have done (and periodically repeat) is to consider all aspects of my daily routine and try to pinpoint exactly what is making me feel most stressed and anxious.
Time and time again I realize the fact that it's not the kids that are stressing me so much as all the stuff we have. Stuff gets out, gets the house messy, takes time to organize, put away, weed through, etc.
Stuff robs me of a lot of time and peace.
We have too much stuff... and it's mainly my fault! I enjoy bargain shopping and garage saling, and so it is easy to accumulate lots of stuff.
I continually work on this- and it is hard. I think of how much the kids would enjoy such and such or how cute this skirt is, and it's only a quarter! and there I go again.....
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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atara
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Well let's face it - most of motherhood is grunt work and trying to set an example of joy in my daily work. There are moments of bliss but most are of two year old in their room because they refused to eat snack and pitched a fit. LOL 
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DominaCaeli
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I can definitely relate. On Saturday mornings, my husband takes care of the kids for several hours while I go for a run and take care of weekly errands. When I get home, the kids report back to me all the books he read, games he played, and fun they had. Sometimes I'll ask him, "How did you fit all that fun in while taking care of them all?" But as he reminds me, he wasn't trying to clean the house, make dinner, call the insurance company, type up homeschool plans, or any other of the zillion tasks I have to cram into a given day. He was *just* taking care of the kids. (And it shows--my time away on Saturdays usually means an extra half-hour of clean-up from Daddy's fun!  )
For me, a lot of the stress of being at home with four little ones has to do with balancing my obligation to meet their needs (and they seem so very needy at this age--especially the baby!) with the other obligations I have as a homemaker: making sure everyone is fed, the house is clean, my husband has what he needs, paperwork is handled, etc. Add homeschooling in there too, and sometimes things can get hairy!
I definitely feel like I don't take enough time to just enjoy my children. Getting organized is one way to overcome that, like Jodie mentioned. When I feel like I am in control of the housekeeping, menu planning, etc., I feel like I can take those extra moments to play. Discipline is also part of it, since I have to be disciplined to both stay on top of that "work" of life and to choose extra time with my children over other things I can be doing. And I really like what Lindsay said too: letting go of some of the little messes, making those kinds of choices in order to put the big picture first...keeping things simple really does help. I am such a work in progress.
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Blessings,
Celeste
Joyous Lessons
Mommy to six: three boys (8, 4, newborn) and four girls (7, 5, 2, and 1)
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SuzanneG
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Becky J wrote:
"Enjoy every moment with your munchkins and your amazing group of mom-friends! It goes so fast..."
That sentence has been weighing on me because it makes me realize how overwhelmed and stressed out and anxious I am at this stage of my life, with 3 small kids, when really this should be such a happy time in my life. |
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Becky (and everyone)....
If y'all have a subscription to Mater et Magistra....Jen's (Mackfam) article in the most recent issue is ALL ABOUT THIS! It's really great and you all must read! It's Joy In The Small Moments on page 10.
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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Devoted21
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I can completely relate to this. I recommend Ann Voskamp's blog - www.aholyexperience.com. She blogs a lot about gratitude, and how it brings joy and fulfillment to everyday life, even in the midst of sinkfulls of dirty dishes and household drudgery (and beyond that, even in the midst of pain and tragedy). I've begun a gratitude journal like she suggests, and I write down every teeny thing that happens - or that I notice - that is a blessing. My 3-year-old's adorable, chubby, peanut-butter-covered cheeks; rainy afternoons; a friendly neighbor .... it really seems to slow time when you stop and appreciate these little things. It's in the writing down - the naming -- of each gift that you acknowledges that it's from God. Since I've begun, I feel less hurried, less overwhelmed, and more grateful. I find that I can look at my children and feel the warm fuzzies more often than I look them and sigh b/c they're still in their pjs at 3 or they haven't cleaned their rooms or whatever. I wish I could find a particular blog post that talks about this. Her book - 1000 Gifts -- is about the same thing. She explains this concept way better than I do. 
Ironically, she speaks of this as "Eucharistic living," and I think that we as Catholics are in a unique position to appreciate that. True sacrificial living, and finding joy in the process.
HTH!
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10 Bright Stars
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This thread is JUST what I needed to read! I have been feeling VERY wrapped around the axle, really for a few years now, but lately, it has been terrible. I think I may actually BE depressed and find it hard to enjoy the sweet little moments of life. I am burnt out on homeschooling, burnt out on having to juggle so much with such a big family, and I sometimes feel as if I am pretty useless around here (even though I am always working) since I often seem to be shuffling junk or doing "the grunt work" as someone mentioned, while everyone else is "living". So, ironic too that someone mentioned to have a gratitude journal because my husband and I had JUST talked about doing this to keep our middle aged depression in check!  So, I will definately get going on that! (I do actually think it may be hormonal with me because I have never felt so out of sorts and blue. (I am 41).
Today, I spent the WHOLE afternoon (since my afternoon is very broken up by childcare and nursing) cleaning up a small wee corner of the larger homeschool room to set up school for the littlest children. The bigger kids have sort of kicked us all out of the classroom due to their noise. This is understandable because they DO make it quite difficult to concentrate. So, once I got the whole little area cleaned and organized, I had the realization that it was just not going to work with so many littles in such a small area, and I could not see my toddler very well due to a wall, which would make me nervous. (He might escape upstairs unbeknownst to me and get into all sorts of things .) Anyway, I felt so upset that I had wasted the whole day when time is in such short supply. I felt depressed that I have to do school on the kitchen table, which seems like an odd thing to be depressed about, but that leads to a bunch of books off the table, then books on the table drill for each meal....crayons all over when the meal is trying to be served. And, now I have to go through all of their things and see what I have to bring upstairs and leave everything downstairs that is lower priority, which might lead to something getting lost or ruined dragging it all around. These are things which would have been a no -brainer in the past and would have taken me maybe a few hours, but I just can't even seem to think about it, and I only see the problems with school now instead of the buzz of excitement I used to feel. We have been doing school for several weeks now, and the little ones and I have already (well, they have with my help ) memorized "The Puffin", The Angel of Fatima prayer, learned to tie their shoes, and there have been several successes. We hav schooled in the family room more informally and then outside on a table on pretty days so my toddler could play outside and be watched. So, it all sounds as if it is going well, but I still feel restless. I tend to get really distracted by "where" we are though, and then there are the needs of the little ones which are obviously the top priority. Does anyone else feel this way? Overwhelmed by the messes and does it take more time to do things than it used to? Maybe I am too worried about the "where" and the environment instead of just doing SOMETHING and not worrying about all that. I can't seem to get past this lately and wonder why that is? My husband has graciously taken over most of the schoolwork of the two highschoolers because he wants me to focus on the younger kids as mom and then teacher since I used to feel as if school took up too much time. They work as independently as possible during the day, and then after dinner, he goes downstairs, mainly till bedtime, to go over all their work, teach them their math lesson and is doing a great job. A small little part of me is sad about this too!!! I feel sad that my involvment with their schooling has become so limited due to needing to care for the little ones, which is the most important thing because they do need me as a mother more, but I used to really enjoy school with the older ones, and so far, they seem to be doing fairly well with just Dad's help. I should be happy about this instead of depressed, but I do feel a tinge of sadness, and sort of "not needed". Is this just the beginning joys of menopause rearing it's head perhaps?? So far, it is a real bummer!! 
Well, I will take my "Eeyore" mood and thank you all again for a timely post! It was just the refreshment and calibration I needed. I intellectually recognize this whole experience is a real blessing and privilege. I just wish the hormones or emotions would get with the program!
__________________
Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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Mackfam
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God bless you, Kim! You have a heavy load, and I recognize it!! Goodness, this vocation is not for the faint of heart! It is HARD WORK!!!! Every.single.day. And every day you are up and answering the call and putting in effort and looking for the joy, and that counts for so much, friend!
Now, I don't have the number of children you have, nor the spacing, so please forgive me if I attempt to brainstorm an answer with you. I'm going to trust that if something is completely off the wall, you'll just simply look beyond it, chalk it up to my inexperience, and move on. Ok? 
So, I read through your post and I'm going to try to identify the biggies you pointed out:
10 Bright Stars wrote:
1) I have been feeling VERY wrapped around the axle, really for a few years now, but lately, it has been terrible. I think I may actually BE depressed and find it hard to enjoy the sweet little moments of life.
2) I often seem to be shuffling junk or doing "the grunt work" as someone mentioned, while everyone else is "living".
3) I felt so upset that I had wasted the whole day when time is in such short supply.
4) I felt depressed that I have to do school on the kitchen table,
5) I tend to get really distracted by "where" we are
6) I feel sad that my involvment with their schooling has become so limited due to needing to care for the little ones, |
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These are big issues - and stepping back further from these main points I see two glaring at me:
BEING A GOOD STEWARD OF THE GIFT OF TIME
A SENSE OF ORDER IN YOUR ENVIRONMENT
This sentence of yours in particular caught my eye:
10 Bright Stars wrote:
| I often seem to be shuffling junk or doing "the grunt work" as someone mentioned, while everyone else is "living". |
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You have got St. Martha down to a "T" good friend. I know, because so do I! Merciful heavens, I see needs and I want to tackle them, disorder and I want to steamroll it, challenges and I want to find solutions! I can relate so well to the scene in the Bible when we read of St. Martha scurrying about, "distracted by much service." That's how I feel sometimes. Distracted by much service. And then I realize, I'm not at His feet. I'm not being a good steward of time *in the moment*. I think I'm being a good steward because I'm working-working-working! But, St. Mary shows us that it is in having the eyes to recognize the small, still moments when He is present (in our children, our husband, our neighbor) that we live out the one thing needful. It is knowing when to stop and be present to Him. It is in these little moments in which we sit at the feet of Christ (present in our children...husband...) that we find joy, that we feel like we're living.
General brainstorming from your post:
** Have you checked the physical side of this first? Vitamins and guarding your rest time - nap with the littles if needed! Checked your thyroid? Other medical issues? That would be a place to start, and good rest would be PRIORITY #1! Beyond that and continuing on, I try to give myself permission to take care of myself through making my needed rest time a priority, eating well, getting out of doors with no agenda at least 10 minutes a day, and staying faithful to a daily prayer routine, which provides the proper context for that gratitude!
** When things seem out of control here, I pull WAY-WAY back on my expectations to the simplest form of existence. This helps me heal my emotions and how overwhelmed I feel, and then allows me to slowly fill back in, one thing at a time. This simplest form of existence for me equals: sleep, meals, clean clothes, safe environment. Can you take a short break from school to take a deep breath and rethink some routines? (I ask this because you mention you've been rolling for a few weeks, so you might have the luxury of breaking for a bit.):: Involve the big kids: communicate! Ask them to identify weak areas of the day. Where do they envision their help as being the biggest help to you? To the family? Bring them your ideas for making use of their service to the family.
:: Communicate again with your husband. Does he have any input? Sometimes husbands can zing their insight right to the heart of the matter in a very logical, matter of fact way. I really appreciate this so much when I'm looking for solutions! Seek his counsel and keep using his shoulder and ear as you continue to work this.
:: Nail down some basic ideas on paper - who does what and when. And run with it! Live it a bit, and meet again in a week. Invite feedback, respect ideas, revamp routines to reflect what works best for the family and run with it again! ** Streamlining school so that it is an efficient delight - You have 5 school age children, and 4 kids under 5!!! That is just plain hard work, Kim!!! Big kids --
:: It sounds like the big kids are pretty independent already, is there anything you can brainstorm that hands their education to them in more concrete ways? For example, some kids do really well checking their own math.
:: Can you ask them to send you written narrations of their work rather than doing other tedious summaries of work? This may save some time with dad and it is a FANTASTIC way to stay connected to what they're doing!!!
:: My big kids are entirely self-educated. I direct nothing except their booklist and a basic lesson plan which serves them, me and their day (in other words, it helps them steward their time). This self-education which my big kids accomplish does not leave me out - I so enjoy remaining connected through their narrations! This simplifies everything in such an amazing way, it almost seems unbelievable enough to dismiss. They narrate their work - I stay connected through their narrations. It's an efficient use of time and really helps me be a good steward of all our time!
:: I'm wondering if you could look for ways to streamline big kid schoolwork so that Dad's time working with them is minimized and you still have a way to connect? Little kids --
:: So...the littlest is obviously in arms or nursing. That takes care of 1 of them, right?
:: You're right to try to tackle this challenge by creating safe spaces to work with your littles, Kim!! You're right on track! I can't see your house, or I would definitely give you some more specific pointers, but this would be worth some significant time and effort on my part in brainstorming! When there are a number of children in the works, and we're working as hard as we can during the day, making as much of our work a prayer as we can, we need those spaces to WORK FOR US!
:: Think smaller and less of it. If there's too much (of anything) don't be overwhelmed by it...scoop and dump into any container or closet you can....just get it out of your way for now.
:: Get those big kids to help you! Sometimes they have great ideas in coming up with small areas for little people!
:: Do you know what works really great here? A tiny blow up swimming pool I pull out a few times a week! It's a defined space, a little bit exciting, and easy to clean up and easy to store.
:: Can you corner one chair, and one bookshelf near a fairly sunny window? I use a rocking chair and it's in my kitchen (gasp!!) because we like being near the sunny windows! Don't be afraid to put your chair where you need it - even if that seems out of the box!
:: Then, and I think this is VERY important to you and your sense of feeling you have a special and ordered space in which to work, gather up the things you need for working with your littles each day. Use shoe boxes, old ice cream buckets, whatever containers you have (!!) and gather your crayons, scratch paper, little books, reading books, read aloud, a FEW bits of craft materials, a little glue and put it together on a small bookshelf. Come on!!!! I KNOW that any mother of 10 with kids 16 and down has a *little* bookshelf SOMEWHERE IN HER HOUSE! Reclaim it for your little space!
:: It can be a part of your day to ask the littles to be your special helpers - ask them to help mommy put all the little crayons back in their happy box - be sing-songy about it! It's a happy chore - time to help mommy tidy! Now time to help mommy drag clothes to the table for folding....now time to help mommy clean the sink - everyone gets a scrubbie! I hope I didn't oversimplify this in any way, Kim! I recognize that you have identified some biggies and it takes time to brainstorm them, time to prayerfully consider and work out solutions that meet needs, and the ongoing gift of time to lather, rinse, repeat as family dynamics grow, change, mature, shift, bloom. This kind of brainstorming and work is a part of our vocation, an ongoing part, not something that is worked out once and done. It is living, just as the education we seek to impart. It grows and breathes with the family.
Getting back to enjoying motherhood....sheesh, Moms! I'm going to be honest, this is just plain hard work and sometimes I can be content that I've worked as hard as I can and leave it there for Our Lord. Working hard as part of a life of service (which is what our vocation is: a life of service -- my life for yours) means that we must be vigilant about not becoming distracted with much service as St. Martha was. We must be watchful for the little moments where joy lives, and give ourselves permission to sit at the feet of Our Lord in that child, that husband, that neighbor and find refreshment for our souls in the one thing needful...in those little, quiet moments that come in the everyday.
to each of you! You are all such faithful examples to me of a life of service in the vocation of motherhood and home education!!
St. Martha and St. Mary, pray for us!
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Sept 05 2011 at 9:41pm | IP Logged
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SuzanneG wrote:
Becky J wrote:
"Enjoy every moment with your munchkins and your amazing group of mom-friends! It goes so fast..."
That sentence has been weighing on me because it makes me realize how overwhelmed and stressed out and anxious I am at this stage of my life, with 3 small kids, when really this should be such a happy time in my life. |
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Becky (and everyone)....
If y'all have a subscription to Mater et Magistra....Jen's (Mackfam) article in the most recent issue is ALL ABOUT THIS! It's really great and you all must read! It's Joy In The Small Moments on page 10. |
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Thanks! Glad it was enjoyed!
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Sept 05 2011 at 10:23pm | IP Logged
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Mackfam wrote:
SuzanneG wrote:
[QUOTE=Becky J] "Enjoy every moment with your munchkins and your amazing group of mom-friends! It goes so fast..."
That sentence has been weighing on me because it makes me realize how overwhelmed and stressed out and anxious I am at this stage of my life, with 3 small kids, when really this should be such a happy time in my life. |
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Becky (and everyone)....
If y'all have a subscription to Mater et Magistra....Jen's (Mackfam) article in the most recent issue is ALL ABOUT THIS! It's really great and you all must read! It's Joy In The Small Moments on page 10. |
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I second this. For those new to the forum, (if I'm allowed to offer a complete unsolicited sales pitch  ), GET THIS MAGAZINE! You will be amazed with the vast amount of material. Worth.every.penny! I originally had a 1 yr subscription and just renewed for 2 yrs Sat night.
__________________
Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Enjoying motherhood
