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mom2mpr
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| Posted: March 07 2011 at 7:56am | IP Logged
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There are a host of issues that relate to this in my particular family but I am wondering--how do you serve your family, yet also train your children TO serve? I do just about everything and I am not sure I am doing my kids a service/or dis-service. I feel taken advantage of. I my hoping my example rather than nagging will work 
I fear for them in their marriages and even when visiting friends. I want them to step in and help with dishes. I want them to be a set of extra hands when the basement floods(as it did yesterday and they went out shopping with dh  )
I was "nagged" and I "got it" I am not sure they are going to and it is just going to mess up our relationships. I don't have the teachers in school telling them what to do all day--it's ME!
They even said last week, "the only time you say our names is when you want us to do something." Well, if they did it the first time I asked......
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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amyable
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| Posted: March 07 2011 at 9:49am | IP Logged
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Listening with big ears. I wonder this constantly! (sorry I'm no help!)
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 07 2011 at 1:08pm | IP Logged
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I am going to suggest that.. regular chores will not harm your children nor preclude you from serving them. And will be of great benefit to your children. Plus you can step out of the "nagging" role and point them to things like schedules and routines vs just mom's whims of who does what.
I do think "serving" can be taken to the point where they simply believe that mom does everything and why should they.. they're children, they're self-centered. Plus imo everyone should be contributing to being a family. Dad makes money, mom is in charge of schooling, why shouldn't they also be contributing to the family, they get the benefits of being part of the family, why not some of the work/responsibilities?
Plus, once they have jobs that they're doing regularly then it's much easier to model the idea that you can pitch in to help someone with a job "just because".
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: March 07 2011 at 1:29pm | IP Logged
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Jodie,
I agree, it is how I was brought up. I recently assigned them "jobs" had a chart, and I STILL had to tell them what to do every day. Then they were tired of doing the same things every day and they decided they wanted me to give them things to do based on "mom's whim." Its not working either. I am always pulling teeth. I am ready to "shut down" and not take kids to ballet and running practice. I don't want to as I paid for these activities but I am getting desperate.
I am going to have to dig deep for a looong time to get this to work, I think.
Thanks for your input.
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 07 2011 at 1:35pm | IP Logged
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I have a friend who talks about things like mom has a finite amount of energy and time. If the kids want to use mom's time for things like lessons and practises and such.. then that time and energy has to come from somewhere. And usually it takes refusing to do things because you've been doing their jobs before it sinks in.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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wahoo92
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| Posted: March 07 2011 at 4:22pm | IP Logged
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"I don't want to as I paid for these activities"
Ahhh. But, you don't have to. If they miss the practice due to not completing chores to your satisfaction (or whatever task was agreed upon) they pay for the missed class. It doesn't hurt for them to have to be the one to notify the teacher/coach as to why they had to miss either. If they don't have any pocket money, they might have to sell something or figure out a way to raise it.
Give the problem to them. Easier said than done, I know.
Good luck.
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Sarah
Ellie,11, Madeline, 8, Lucy, 5, Evelyn, 1
herdingturtles101.blogspot.com
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: March 07 2011 at 4:24pm | IP Logged
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What we did at one point as a way of keeping it *interesting* was to switch up chores based on the roll of the die. Seriously. The day's jobs were divided into what could be done by more than one of the children, according to age. So, if sweeping the kitchen after lunch needed to be done, but could be done by dc1,2,or 3,we would have the children pick a number, write it down on a scrap of paper, roll the die, and the job went to whoever had that number, or, if it was just 2 dc who might do the job they would call odd or even. This process took place in a 10 minute morning meeting. It was really very quick and simple. Each child wrote down the jobs assigned to him/her on an index card so they wouldn't forget them.
If your children still want to have some amount of surprises (Mom's whims), keep a couple of jobs out of the list of choices every day and make one of the chores "come see Mom for another job", and then just dish it out!
Another thing is, do the children know what the job consists of and when it needs to be done? Often children avoid doing a job because they don't really know how to approach it. It's often helpful to have training sessions on one chore at a time. They watch you do it, they do it with you telling them each step, they try to do it on their own with reminders from you, they do it on their own with inspection by you to follow. Writing out the steps of the job helps the children, too. They might benefit from some sort of external motivation - something cheap and easy, like a Hershey's kiss for each job completed. This might not be terrifically motivating to older kids, but the idea of the reward makes it almost part of a game, which keeps the mood a lot lighter and more positive than not being allowed to do something as a punishment for not completing a job.
I would also recommend having a family meeting at which Dad points out to the children that a family is a unit that works together, children need to learn to do jobs and to be responsible to those jobs as training for *real life*, etc. It's not about what Mom wants done, it's about a much bigger, broader concept. Maybe something fun for the whole family could follow a week in which everyone does a great job (not necessarily a perfect job  ).
Just some thoughts...
Peace,
Nancy
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Serving and training
