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jillian
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| Posted: Feb 13 2011 at 11:08pm | IP Logged
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So my previous post regarding our fertility issues is linked there.
Anyway, adoption, how did you know this was a valid option or something that God was calling you to pursue this path?
I brought up to DH last night (kind of suddenly I admit), that if we ever get to the point where they tell us at the REI/Infertility clinic that IVF/IUI/etc are our only options we are saying no. I can't do it, not just because of my beliefs but emotionally/physically/etc can't do it.
Then I said we could pursue adoption at that point. And mentioned that I was sort of gathering basic information about it. Initially he was like I'm not sure about it. Later he told me he wasn't comfortable with the idea in any way.
Those of you wonderful women who felt that you were being called to adopt, how did you broach the topic with your spouse? I am still gathering information (that's it, no contacting anyone or any agencies or anything) just to see the options--both domestically and internationally.
I searched here and found a lot of good information but a lot of it was specific for the situation at hand.
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mavmama
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| Posted: Feb 13 2011 at 11:42pm | IP Logged
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Jillian,
First, let me say I'm praying for you. This is a very hard place to be, and I know it very well.
We became parents through international adoption, but my husband was not very open to it at first. My miracle and certainty from God was this: One day I asked dh how big was the place in his heart that was open to adopting. He put is thumb and index finger about an inch apart and said nothing. I let it go and said nothing. That was the first part of the miracle, because I rarely let something go without trying to get him to talk. I asked him again about a month later and he said, "Yeah, that would be a good thing."
11 years later, we have been to India 3 times and have four beautiful children; the exact ones God had planned for us.
I will keep you in prayer.
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Liz
Blessed by 4 wonders
dd11, dd911, ds9, ds8
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 14 2011 at 12:00am | IP Logged
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We haven't had any experience with that at all. But I think I'd try and get my dh to talk to me more.. I'd want to understand why he wasn't interested in adoption. Not necessarily to change his mind but so that by understanding I wouldn't feel resentment toward him. And I'd tell him that.. that I wasn't pressuring him that I just wanted to know what his thoughts were so that I could understand his position.
But if in doing so, something came up that I could check out and say.. hey that's not how it is.. then I might also bring it up to him.. I found something that is different than you were thinking.. can I share that with you. Because I wouldn't want him to feel like I was nagging or pushing at him. But that I wanted him to have good info for making a decision.. and if that meant he changed his mind for whatever reason.. good but if not that would be fine too. But I'd need to get into that mind-set that we could share and discuss and find information but that it would be ok either way.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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LucyP
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| Posted: Feb 14 2011 at 2:37am | IP Logged
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For us, we always knew that we would become parents only through adoption and DH knew that from when we met as teenagers. But as far as timing and initial desire went, it was always me who felt it first - and in whom the drive to become a parent was strongest. Apart from prayer and patience, I don't know what else to say. If it is from God, it will happen, in his timing. Not because of DH but because of social services in our area, we waited for ten years to finally become parents but it was 100% worth it.
Adoption is such hard work, both in the period of applying and waiting, and then in the time of introductions, and as we have found out for years and years of trying to parent damaged children (no matter how much we love ours and believe they are meant for us by God) that you both need to be 100% on board, in my experience.
I would gather information and resources, share them, especially first hand accounts from parents about how even despite the hard parts it is a blessing (and maybe especially if you have meetings locally where adoptive parents speak to would-be adopters - when we have done this locally, many of the less convinced potential parents have said it has encouraged them. But don't "talk him into" something his heart isn't in - it isn't fair to you, him or the children. I have seen a lot of disruptions and/or divorce among adopters.
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mamalove
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| Posted: Feb 14 2011 at 7:16am | IP Logged
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We have not yet adopted, but it is something we feel called to do. I have read many books on the subjuct, and I recently read Dr Rays book called
Adoption Choosing It, Living It, Loving It.
again, I can't speak from experience..but I think of something I heard him say once on the subject regarding loving those children as much as ones I have given birth to.
We love our spouses, and they do not come from our bodies. I can love up someone elses child who comes to me for a playdate, or a little child at Church who comes up to me and gives me a hug. 
Prayers that you and your dh will discern Gods will for your family
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Feb 14 2011 at 7:25am | IP Logged
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I think it's important to remember that husbands grieve as much as we do over the loss of fertility, even if they don't have the fertility issue that is preventing you from becoming parents. It may be too soon for your husband to really consider adoption. Perhaps he's grieving for the children he'd imagined having and needs more time to think about other possibilities.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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LucyP
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| Posted: Feb 14 2011 at 7:28am | IP Logged
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One can absolutely love a person who is not biologically related. I burn with passionate, devoted love for my own sweet (adopted) darlings. I have no biological children but I cannot imagine it being possible to love more ardently than I love our little ones.
BUT it is hugely different parenting a damaged child. One of my children in particular is a struggle to parent. This child's brain was damaged by what was experienced in the first year and half of life - which was pretty mild neglect, attempts at parenting by people who had no empathy and frequent moves and changes of carer - at 18mo, we were the sixth move.
In the UK it is usually said that 1/3 of adopters will report no problems, 1/3 will report problems that impact on their lives and 1/3 will report catastrophic struggles that cause illness, divorce, disruption and great emotional pain to all concerned. So I think one absolutely needs to have eyes wide open about that, and about that it does take more than just love and faith and "normal" parenting skills to help a child who does have issues. For us it has taken a level of commitment beyond that of our friends with biological children, and while we felt instant love through the grace of God, for lots of adopters it seems that it takes months and years for love to grow and many are open about not feeling the same love for their adopted children that they have for their bio kids, even years and years post-placement.
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jillian
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| Posted: Feb 14 2011 at 8:21am | IP Logged
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Thank you for the responses.
Yeah I will admit, part of what I am scared of is getting in over my head with a parenting situation. Part of my degree has been in discussing all the trauma/problems/etc of children in situations where they can be adopted (I am a Marriage and Family Therapy student). Not so much that I am scared about the trauma a child may have but more scared of the ability to love another child that isn't mine like I love dd (hope that makes sense, no coffee yet this morning).
I know part of the issue too that dh has is that I kind of sprung it on him. I think he too is afraid of not loving a child that isn't part of him as much as we love dd.
I have been praying about all this and that's all I can do at this moment. God will open those doors
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LucyP
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| Posted: Feb 14 2011 at 9:12am | IP Logged
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A lot of adopters say that the love is just different from their love for their biological children. In this country adoptions are usually of children over 2, and many much older, so there isn't the baby cuteness. And the child doesn't look like you/your loved ones, doesn't sound right if they are speaking as they may have a different accent from your family, doesn't smell right - that part was really hard for me, during the period where either they were starting to smell like us or we were getting used to their smell. And as I said many will say the love is always somewhat different - but equally lots will say the love is the same quality/quantity just a different type - and there are people like us who loved our children and claimed them passionately before we actually even got to meet them.
I think - isn't worrying you might love a second child as much quite normal? I know I couldn't understand how I would love our DD as much as I loved DS, but I did - and my friends have said they felt the same about their biological 2nd/3rds too.
Will remember you in our prayers. I think it was the hours of prayer before during and after adoption that helped us most and have helped our adoptions to be so successful despite the issues. Don't know if you know but St Thomas More, St William of Rochester/Perth and St Clothilde are all patrons of adopted children, and we have asked their intercession before now.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 14 2011 at 11:23am | IP Logged
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A lot of people worry about loving another child as much as their first, whatever way the child comes into the family.
I forget where I've read it, a parenting book somewhere, about children demanding "do you love me as much as .... " They don't really want to know that your love is "equal" what they really need is to know that they're loved *particularly*, for themselves, and since every child is different, every child is loved differently anyway.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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DominaCaeli
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| Posted: Feb 14 2011 at 5:03pm | IP Logged
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I would definitely suggest giving him some time. I agree with the others that your husband surely needs time to mourn the loss of your shared fertility as well, if it does come to that, and for some men, that might mean not jumping into alternatives right away. I would also strongly suggest taking your concerns and hopes to St. Joseph. He is, of course, the patron of husbands, but he is also a powerful patron for adoptive parents and children. We personally entrusted our adoption experience to him and he worked everything out in the most perfect way. 
I also wanted to add that as both an adoptive and biological mother (we adopted my oldest son, and our other three--with another on the way--are biological), I would definitely say that you can most certainly love adoptive children just as much as biological children. Truly. My love for each of my children is particular to him or her but no less strong and not at all related to whether he or she was adopted or not. I love my adopted son with the same love I have for my biological babies--most of the time, it does not even occur to me that he is adopted.
Our situation was an easy one in that my husband was on board with the adoption idea from the start. But I would encourage you to wait until your husband is ready too. Adoption can be an emotional and difficult experience, and you really do want to be working as a team. 
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Celeste
Joyous Lessons
Mommy to six: three boys (8, 4, newborn) and four girls (7, 5, 2, and 1)
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jillian
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| Posted: Feb 14 2011 at 5:20pm | IP Logged
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Yes, we definitely aren't rushing into anything. I am one of those "research forever in advance" kinds of people so I am just trying to get a feel for things ya know? I have been praying and will continue to do so and leave our fertility and the expansion of our family to God.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Adoption/Adopting
