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jillian
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 9:22am | IP Logged
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So as some of y'all know we have been struggling with fertility issues the last couple years. So far everything is coming back with nothing to be concerned over. DH is doing his "testing" again end of this upcoming week. I have another test to plan for hopefully next month, a hysteroscope test (insert a flexible camera into the uterus to look) because I have some dark shading areas that they can't explain. It just feels like every time I go there is something new for them to "test" without me getting any answers.
I just am really struggling with the idea that we might never get to add to our family via the "traditional" way. I have so much anger when I see or hear about situations where x, y or z person-in-a-bad-lifestyle-situation gets pregnant or someone completely abuses their baby in utero with drugs or alcohol or whatever. I get upset seeing these 14, 15 and 16 year old girls get pregnant by accident. My heart breaks over shows like "16 and Pregnant" on MTV (the fact that there is a show like this is a whole other post though).
I have been feeling so cheated lately out of getting to have a family. That's the horrible part, I have a wonderful family with DH and DD and myself. It just doesn't feel complete. I fear that my family won't ever feel complete without more children.
I am angry at myself and if I admit it, at God too, that I am having these struggles. I blame everything on myself and feel so broken.
How do you work through this kind of thing? How do I stop feeling angry at God for our infertility issues?
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Lara Sauer
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 10:27am | IP Logged
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Dear Jillian,
I am praying for you in your pain.
I think the very first thing that you do, is to let yourself grieve the loss of a future dream without beating yourself up. The pain that you feel is real. It is legitimate. The disappoint that you feel hurts.
The second thing that you have to do is to acknowledge with your reason, that in spite of this pain, you still know that in all things, God is good!
Praise him in your sorrow. Meditate on those women in the bible who cried out to him for children, and know that you are not alone.
You have my most sincere sympathy. Please be comforted by the fact that our Lord never sends a cross with out sending a St. Simon to help carry it.
Praying that you will find MANY St. Simons to assist you in this Via Dolorosa.
May God grant you His peace.
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You can take the girl out of Wisconsin, but you can't take the Wisconsin out of the girl!
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violingirl
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 10:29am | IP Logged
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I am so sorry you are hurting over this. Infertility has been one of the great struggles in my life, and I so identify with everything you are saying.
It took us almost 5 years to have our first son, and our second son is 3 1/2 and I haven't conceived again... The first time around I really took a hard road by choosing to focus on the infertility instead of my marriage. When we finally did conceive and had our first son my marriage was in peril and it took time to recover that.
This time around I've been trying very hard to focus on the blessings of my marriage and my two sons. I'm trying very hard to trust that God gives us the children we are meant to parent and that even when medicine says we cannot conceive that is not always true. After having my first son and all the complications we were told we would never conceive again without medical intervention. But a year later we were pregnant with our second. And yet this time we're at 3 1/2 years without conceiving.
I won't say it isn't hard. I still struggle with this, as both DH and I feel that we want more children, but the change in perspective has really helped me with the process of grieving a bit each month we are not pregnant.
I hope something in there helps you. Again, I'm sorry that this is an issue you are working through - for me it has been one of the most painful. (((hugs)))
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Erin
DS (2005) DS (2007) DD (2012)
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 10:50am | IP Logged
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The cross of infertility is so very difficult to bear, and it does seem that when you're dealing with secondary infertility so very many people (well-meaning, of course) say such useless, hurtful things, not understanding that your great love for your child does not preclude you from grieving over miscarriages and failure to conceive. The stress of testing adds to the burden, too.
May I suggest turning to the Blessed Mother for consolation and intercession? She had an "only," too, and one can only imagine the strange things people said to her over the years.
I can't say that the pain ever goes away, but God does work through family and friends to provide supporting St. Simons over the years, and He grants peace and acceptance, too.
You're in my prayers...I think you'll find that many of us here have carried this cross and will hold you in prayer during these difficult times.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 11:17am | IP Logged
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Jillian-
I also know that pain. 
Have the scope done. It will give you answers, possibly solutions and hopefully a sense of peace. I'm pming you
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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jillian
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 11:17am | IP Logged
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Thank you everyone. DH doesn't quite get my feelings. I am trying to not dwell on it and enjoy the family I have. I hear all the time that "at least you have one child" or "you can get pregnant again, just relax you did it once already".
I appreciate the prayers. The hardest part is getting my hopes up at the end of every cycle and hoping and praying that this month will be it. DD was easy to conceive so it feels like a slap in my face.
God is good and he is love and we aren't given anything we can't handle but sometimes I just want to give up and say forget it all, but that thought gives me so much pain in my soul and heart.
Thankfully we haven't been told we absolutely can't have other children but it feels like it won't happen. I really do appreciate the prayers, and it hurts me to be angry at God, that's not a good place for me at all.
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RyaneM
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Hi Jillian.
Hugs and prayers to you. I will pm you when I have more time but I wanted you to know that I also dealt with secondary infertility for 4.5 years following the birth of my oldest. During that time we felt that God was calling us to adopt and in 2009 we brought our little boy home from Ethiopia. He is 2 now and is the absolute joy of our lives.
I also wanted to suggest that you check out the blog of one of my IRL friends. It is called All You Who Hope. She has been blogging for several years now and has developed quite a network of Catholic women who are carrying the cross of infertility. It can be such a lonely road, especially for Catholics. It is nice to connect with some others who are experiencing similar struggles.
You will be in my prayers.
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Ryane in NY 
Mama to ds (3/05), ds(1/09) and dd (4/10)
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Angie Mc
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Jillian, I know your pain and I applaud you for wanting more children . Since you have asked, I will tell you what I've learned, having wrestled with these concerns for many years. I may come across as blunt, but my intent is not to be insensitive but rather to tell my truth and to be clear. What has helped me...and it has taken a long time for me to process and accept, is:
1. None of us are entitled to having a child. Whether biological, foster, or adoptive, none of us is entitled to any child from any avenue.
2. Each child is a gift from God. He chooses in His perfect wisdom where to place a child. His decisions for me and others is very mysterious and not for me to question.
3. God does not give out children as a reward. This was especially hard for me to accept when in well-intended Catholic circles there is a sense that "if you just trust God enough then you will be rewarded with a child." The opposite of this is the sense that one isn't being trustful/faithful/Catholic enough if one is not "rewarded."
4. God does not withhold children as a punishment. There may be natural consequences to choices that lead to not having children, but that is not the same as a punishment.
5. Being open to having children is what I control and what pleases God.
6. I can be sad and must grieve over the loss of children and not being able to have more children. Not having children IS a loss...a profound loss...a heavy cross to carry.
7. I am wrong - off track - if I am angry. I am twice as wrong if I take my anger out on anyone else, especially my dh or children.
8. An inability to have children is a test of a lifetime! God loves me enough to ask me to suffer and test me in this manner and He is cheering me onto a closer relationship with Him via my sheer and utter dependence on Him. I may not get what I want on this earth but I am confident that He is working on the salvation of my soul  .
I am praying for you mightily and with great hope! God loves you very much .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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hmbress
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Jillian, my husband and I had primary infertility and went through all you are experiencing. I don't really have anything to add to what others have said - so much wisdom there. I especially agree with all that Angie said while also finding all of it EXTREMELY difficult to accept. I also felt angry for a while. I mean, here we were, teaching NFP for goodness sake, and unable to conceive! I chuckle a bit now at my thinking at the time.
Grieving the loss, as Lara said, was what allowed me to finally move forward (we chose adoption). I just couldn't get past wanting to conceive and bear biological children until I sat down and wrote out a list of all the specific things I would not get to experience. I allowed myself to have a really good cry about those things, then wrote out a list of all the things I WOULD get to experience through adoption, and that helped me to become more open and willing to pursue other avenues.
I have come to believe that God specifically wanted me to be the mother to the two wonderful boys He brought us through adoption. If we had been able to conceive, would these boys have been able to grow up in a healthy, loving, Catholic family? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that I cannot imagine my life without them, and while I know I would have loved biological children just the same, I'm grateful in a sense to have experienced the infertility so that I could be blessed with THESE particular boys.
I know not every couple experiencing infertility, primary or secondary, is being called to adopt. There are many ways of being open to life, being life-giving, and I do believe that through prayer you will eventually discover what God is calling you to do. But the process is so very painful, I know.
Hang in there and I'm praying for you,
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Heather Rose (ds13, ds10)
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mamalove
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We have a miracle baby at our churh via the innercession of St Gianna.
I am so sorry for this cross you bear.
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jillian
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 2:36pm | IP Logged
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Thank you everyone.
Angie: Thank you for being blunt, I do REALLY struggle with the idea that I am "not good enough/worthy" to be blessed by a child. I know that's inane and ridiculous but I struggle with that a lot, especially lately.
DH and I have discussed whether adoption is on the table at any point. We have agreed that if the time comes we would be willing and hopefully blessed to bring a little one into our family even if it isn't through my own body.
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stefoodie
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Praying for you, Jillian.
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stef
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Feb 18 2011 at 12:07pm | IP Logged
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hmbress wrote:
| I especially agree with all that Angie said while also finding all of it EXTREMELY difficult to accept. |
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I couldn't agree more, Heather....very, very, very difficult to process. It takes a loooooooong time and ongoing care to find and guard acceptance - like I need to reaffirm my acceptance...my trust... each day/minute?
jillian wrote:
Angie: Thank you for being blunt, I do REALLY struggle with the idea that I am "not good enough/worthy" to be blessed by a child. I know that's inane and ridiculous but I struggle with that a lot, especially lately.
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Thank you for reassuring me, Jillian, that you read my words as I intended them. You are more than good enough...you are more than worthy, for all that God has in store for you.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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JennGM
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Jilian, As I mentioned to you before, I have been in your shoes. It is very hard, and I am praying.
We have a special section above the We Pray to the Lord Section called A Mother's Garden of Sorrow. I wrote the section on infertility, and maybe it might help a bit?
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Jennifer G. Miller
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jillian
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| Posted: Feb 18 2011 at 12:41pm | IP Logged
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The last week or so has wrought a lot of changes in my thought process. I am a little more grounded in what's going on, I feel less out of control. Perhaps it was after prayer and seeing what the Church actually says on infertility treatments I was able to make a hard/fast decision on where we will stop. We won't go through years of failed artificial reproduction technologies, we won't do the birth control pill to "regulate" or as my specialists tried to say in not so many words to "make my cycle more convenient for them". It felt good to have a say in something you know?
I will check out that infertility section too. Thank you everyone. 
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mamaslearning
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 We were married 10 years before conceiving and it was very difficult. Now the first few years of marriage I didn't want children (I was not Catholic at the time), but later on I blamed myself for not being able to conceive. I really thought I was being punished for my past actions. It was tough. I'm so glad the Lord found me and didn't let go of me during that time. It took a while to heal, but healing did happen.
I'll keep praying for you!
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Lara
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