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Vanna
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| Posted: Oct 07 2010 at 11:11am | IP Logged
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Last weekend we (me, husband and two sons) attended a BBQ at my mother's house. My mother and step-father have no religious beliefs (atheists). My step-brother, his wife and their 4 children were among the people at the BBQ (they are Catholic, children attend Catholic schools).
We walk in and my step-brother's 14 year old son (a few months younger than my son) was sitting on the couch, with his arm around his new girlfriend. I was REALLY upset. My oldest son said he was really uncomfortable. Everyone was acting like this was fine and normal.
I do not approve of this. I think it is SHOCKING that a 14 year old would feel so comfortable being physically intimate with a girl in a room full of people, including his grandparents. I think that is an obvious sign that when no one is around, there is FAR more going on.
I will not bring my children back to my mother's home if this girl (whom I am sure is a perfectly nice person, but that is besides the point) or any other girl is going to be there.
My husband thinks that my step-brother and his wife are overcompensating because they were very "uncool" growing up and to have a son that is popular is intoxicating to them.
Should I tell my step-brother this? My mother? Or just call ahead, see if this is happening and don't show?
Am I overreacting??
Advice PLEASE!
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Wife to K  Mommy to B (ds18) and G (ds8)
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Gracesmom
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| Posted: Oct 07 2010 at 1:10pm | IP Logged
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If you haven't already, maybe this is a good opportunity to talk to your son about feelings towards girls and why you have to wait before dating, and how important it is to keep your first kiss and affections for the person you wish to marry, etc etc etc. Maybe explain to him that 14 is just too young to be doing this as you have to be 18 to marry, and going 4 years with these extremely strong feelings would be too dangerous etc.
I'm sure if your step-brother and his wife are already comfortable with their son in this situation they probably won't care that it makes you guys uncomfortable, but maybe bring it up that it does. Maybe they will tell their son to "lay off" when you guys come around. Maybe it will open their eyes a little bit into the dangers that are lurking.
Maybe the when you're invited to the next family event ask if your nephew is planning on bringing his girlfriend and if she is that you are too uncomfortable with that...and see what happens...you might not be the only one...
Sorry...I went on and on...I'm kind of scatterbrained lately, and usually only have under 2 minutes to type something out ;)
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Michaela
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| Posted: Oct 07 2010 at 1:43pm | IP Logged
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Gracesmom wrote:
| If you haven't already, maybe this is a good opportunity to talk to your son about feelings towards girls and why you have to wait before dating, and how important it is to keep your first kiss and affections for the person you wish to marry, etc etc etc. Maybe explain to him that 14 is just too young to be doing this as you have to be 18 to marry, and going 4 years with these extremely strong feelings would be too dangerous etc. |
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 This is EXACTLY what I did after reading your post, Vanna.
I turned to my 14yo ds and we talked about what we would do if this happened in our family.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 07 2010 at 2:00pm | IP Logged
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I would be careful to not be overreacting. I would not describe "his arm around his new girlfriend" as "physically intimate". Depending on what you're used to, your personal space boundaries.. I know that this can just be "friendly" as in friends walking along together, certainly something that is ok for fathers/daughters, mothers/sons to do as well.. basically it does not mean that any more is going on than you can see.
And I would be careful no to hurt family relations over something that I wouldn't feel is an over display of affection in public if it wasn't someone related to me.
Now perhaps there was more to be seen than you chose to say.. which of course might make me revise my opinion 
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G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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insegnante
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| Posted: Oct 07 2010 at 10:49pm | IP Logged
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I agree with Jodie. I don't like the idea of a 14yo having a "girlfriend," but the arm around her isn't my idea of intimacy. It seems rash to assume they have crossed the line to worse behavior because of that. It really doesn't seem worth a falling out with family members, especially if you are able to talk to your son of similar age about your and your husband's stance on dating and related issues (as it sounds like you would be since you said he said he was uncomfortable with it.)
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Theresa
mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
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Vanna
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| Posted: Oct 08 2010 at 9:34am | IP Logged
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Thank you for your comments.
I just feel (from my own experience..I was pregnant at 17 years old) that if you start off holding hands/arm around each other/practically sitting on top of each other, soon, just like a drug, that will NOT be enough.
I did discuss this with my child and he know that I am not only speaking as a parent but as someone who made these sort of decisions (I mean, he CAN do the math, and he knows I am only 17 1/2 years older than him).
After much prayer, I have decided that I will speak to my step-brother about this. If I had walked in and my 14 year old nephew had been sitting there drinking a beer, I would have said something...and I feel this situation is just as dangerous and wrong as that.
Thanks everyone.
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Wife to K Mommy to B (ds18) and G (ds8)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Advice needed please...
