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glinNC
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| Posted: Sept 28 2010 at 9:15pm | IP Logged
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Can anybody please give suggestions on how best to meet your firstborn's girlfriend for the first time?? How do you get to know them without acting like you are prying?
My son, age 20, is a bit rebellious towards the faith right now after living out "in" the world.  He hasn't felt comfortable bringing her around, which hurts me tremendously; but his father invited him to bring her by. Now I want to be sure I don't "embarrass" him and possibly lose him.
I was always taught to make conversation you ask a person questions about themselves (and not talk about yourself). As I think through questions in my head to ask her about herself, I can envision my son getting all annoyed ... and I'm stressing over it!  Any suggestions (and prayers)would be very appreciated!
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Sept 28 2010 at 10:57pm | IP Logged
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I will definitely pray for you!
I was in a sorority many years ago and went through conversation workshops which have been of immense help to me over the years. The objective of the workshops was to help us learn to get to know people without making them feel uncomfortable or "put on the spot". Here are some suggestions from those workshops.
1. Ask open-ended questions that don't lead straight to a "yes" or "no" answer. They don't have to be about the person, specifically; they can be about hometowns, sports teams, majors/careers, pets, vacations, whatever. I know I feel a bit threatened when every single question in a conversation is about me, me, me.
2. Include everyone in the room/at the table in the conversation, not just the new person. If possible, try to relate something the new person has said to something you know she has in common with another person at the table...but try not to stretch the connection too far.
3. Ask your son ahead of time about his girlfriend, in very general terms. Is she Catholic? If not, does she have a faith tradition that is important to her? (This will help you avoid sensitive topics and serve the right foods. You can bring allergies into this discussion, too.) Chances are that your son will give you some info you can use as conversational hooks later on.
4. If circumstances seem right, ask her to help out a bit. ("(Name)," I'm a bit overloaded. Would you mind carrying this tray into the kitchen?") She might notice something in your home that she likes, comment positively and initiate a conversation that way.
5. Remember how hard it was to be in her shoes. She may not say five words the whole evening because she is shy or worried.
6. Be yourself, without going overboard. If you normally talk about saints and parish activities, there's no reason why you should change that.
7. This is not a test for you or for her (or for your son, for that matter). It's a social occasion. If your son's girlfriend thinks she can't ever get along with any of you, it's not your job to fix that, as long as you are friendly and polite, which is obvious from your post here. It's your son's. (See #5.) Relationships take time to build. You don't have to love each other at first sight.
Although I've not yet encountered this with my own son, I did host my dd's college-age godbrother (son of her godparents) and his very-very-serious girlfriend at a lunch one day last year. It was interesting, to say the least - good practice for the future. (Godbrother and girlfriend broke up later....I was not surprised.) I just tried to serve guest-friendly food (didn't work out well - Tip: men don't always ask the right questions of their lady friends re: food) and be friendly and positive. We had a nice afternoon, all in all.
I hope this helps. I'm not the voice of direct experience, but after 25 years of marriage to the military, talking at social events with strangers is pretty routine for me. All those conversation workshops in college that I thought were useless...God knew I'd need them! 
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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glinNC
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| Posted: Sept 29 2010 at 8:21pm | IP Logged
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Thanks, Nancy, for taking the time to share such concrete examples. They are very helpful!
I chuckled to myself after posting this to the group, thinking how I am a very talkative & welcoming person, able to make conversation with people (I'm the contact person for incoming home schoolers to our community!), so why did I have to ask this question? Because it's such a touchy subject here right now that I don't want to handle it the wrong way.
Tonight I found out that she's not Catholic, but Christian. I am happy to hear that she is religious but now worry if it should lead to marriage ... I was told a while ago that parents of Catholics should not attend their children's weddings if they are not being married in the Catholic Church. If anybody has any words of wisdom on that, I'd love to hear it! That would be so unsupportive, but is it Church teaching? I've got some research to do.
Thanks again ... and thanks for the prayers, too! That means a lot!
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anitamarie
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As long as the Catholic party receives a dispensation from his/her Bishop, the marriage is recognized as valid by the Catholic Church, and it would be perfectly fine to attend. Good luck with meeting the girlfriend. I've got a few years before I face this, but I'm already thinking ahead and wondering what it will all be like.
God Bless,
Anita
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Sept 29 2010 at 11:08pm | IP Logged
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What Anita said.
And, FWIW, I've told my co-op students (high schoolers) from past years to pray for their future spouses...so I think it would be okay for me to suggest that you pray for your son's future spouse, too, especially for her to be open-minded about your son's faith and family.
This young lady might not be the future spouse, of course, but prayers are answered...ask my mom! She prayed for her future spouse and for mine, through Our Lady's intercession, and I think I can speak for my dad (and definitely for myself) and say we are glad she did.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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glinNC
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| Posted: Sept 30 2010 at 5:32am | IP Logged
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Thanks, Anita, for the clarification on Church teaching. I will research that some more to be education and prepared in the event I need to be concerned.
guitarnan wrote:
...so I think it would be okay for me to suggest that you pray for your son's future spouse, too, especially for her to be open-minded about your son's faith and family.
This young lady might not be the future spouse, of course |
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Yes, that's true ... she is 6 years old than he is, too, so I don't know what the future will bring.
I have been praying for the right person to cross his path, but I will pray more specifically for his future spouse ... for all my children's future spouses.
Thank you so much!
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florasita
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| Posted: Oct 04 2010 at 11:10pm | IP Logged
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how did it go ? is it over yet ?
I can't answer as my first born is a dd
however I can say being the wife of a man who was/is the only son in a family with 4 sisters all my advice is
Be Kind
I am maybe now 26 yrs later maybe good enough for my mil son just maybe because frankly I'm all he's got now kinda like it is to late for him to change his mind so she just gave up
my mil was really anti catholic as my fil was from a huge catholic french family .
anyway to my mil & my dh grandmother I just never meassured up
never mind how horrid I was that I became a convert and had thier ds marry me in a catholic church !!
maybe your ds is bringing home a catholic girl ? maybe he isn't going to be rebelious maybe he is bringing her because he feels she will meet your approval if the visit is over I'm really hoping that was the case and he is over his rebelion 
if not may I also say you mentioned your first born , keep in mind we are always tougher on the first borners by the time #7 comes along we are a lot more lax in our expectations etc.
honestly dh and I are nearing retirement we just are way more laid back compared to with our eldest children .
I do hope it went/goes well ,
when in doubt & stressed say a hail Mary & make cookies & tea
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May I rise & rest with words of Gratitude on my Breath
May I have the Heart & Mind of a Child in my Depth
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May Peace Love & Hope be My Sight
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glinNC
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| Posted: Oct 09 2010 at 7:14pm | IP Logged
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It hasn't happened yet ... I know she isn't Catholic, but she is religious, which helps me feel better that he hasn't rebelled too much!
Thanks for encouraging words and prayers!!
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stacykay
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| Posted: Oct 11 2010 at 11:32am | IP Logged
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I'll be praying for you, as I am in somewhat the same boat. Although I have met my ds's gf twice, they just weren't circumstances that allowed much talking or really "getting to know you."
And Florasita...as far as your mil goes, well, I have an idea that no one your dh brought home would have been the right one in her eyes! I went through that with my mil. Dh was her oldest of 3ds, first to get married, they are very devout Catholics, I was a convert (not "born" Catholic, so I could have "defected" at any time!,) etc., etc., etc. (Please excuse all the etceteras-just watched "The King and I" this past weekend!)
florasita wrote:
| ...when in doubt & stressed say a hail Mary & make cookies & tea ... |
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I like this plan!  
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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florasita
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| Posted: Oct 12 2010 at 9:42pm | IP Logged
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Stacy you cracked me up " could defect anytime " and pie also works
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May I rise & rest with words of Gratitude on my Breath
May I have the Heart & Mind of a Child in my Depth
May I forever remember to be a Light
May Peace Love & Hope be My Sight
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Oct 12 2010 at 10:02pm | IP Logged
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LOL Stacy...I can hear that Yul Brynner voice now!
Family story...my mom prayed through Our Lady's intercession for her own future spouse...and then she prayed for mine...and my parents will celebrate their 50th anniversary next year, God Willing. (I guess I'm old - we celebrated 25 years this July!)
I've encouraged my Co-op students to pray for their future spouses, too.
Roxie's right...a gracious heart, a bit of refreshment and lots of prayer will help you get through this stressful weekend...
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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glinNC
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| Posted: Oct 27 2010 at 9:25pm | IP Logged
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glinNC wrote:
It hasn't happened yet ... I know she isn't Catholic, but she is religious, which helps me feel better that he hasn't rebelled too much!
Thanks for encouraging words and prayers!! |
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Well, it happened ... last week ... without warning! He called to come by and pick up something, and she was with him. The funny part was that it was the only day of the week that I stayed home all day, so I didn't do my hair for public viewing , put on make-up or contact lenses! AND my one eye was swollen from the previous day's irritation with the contact lens! Besides that, it went well as it was extremely brief (less than 5 mins. as they had to go). Not much was said between us, but she gave me a hug goodbye after my son had.
The sad part is that today my son called to tell me that he wanted me to know that she was 10 years older than him, divorced, and had 3 kids.  He said that he is sorry to disappoint me ... I told him that I was glad that it came from him. What can I say? What can I do? All I know is that I am praying hard for my son and his future spouse ... wherever she may be!
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mamasue
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Pray for her! She might need it more than you know! Imagine- divorced with 3 kids at the young age of 30! How terrifying! Invite her and her children over for dinner! With the kids around there will not be as much tension to break the ice! I know the age is a big difference but she's probably a lost soul trying to find her way in the world. You could make a difference in her life, in her childrens lives
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Grateful in VA
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Oh glin, what a difficult position for you.
16 years ago I was your sons age and in a situation much like his. I started dating someone before his divorce was even final. He had 2 children. At that point my parents were both still fallen from the church(as was I) but still held on to many of their core beliefs. Needless to say they were most unhappy with my choice.
I'll tell you how I wished they had handled the situation.
I wish they had taken the time to lovingly voice their concerns and then support me no matter what my decision and no matter how uncomfortable it was for them. I wish they had embraced him even though he was full of faults(aren't we all). I wish they had accepted his children for what they were(innocent).
They did none of these things. I ended up moving in with him just to avoid their criticism and judgment. They would not visit me or allow me to visit them unless I was alone.
The rift with my parents grew bigger for the next 2 years so when my relationship started to crumble I had no where to turn. I stayed with him 2 more years before I finally felt I had no choice but to crawl back to my parents in shame.
It took a long time to mend the damage done. 18 months after moving back home I met my husband (One year younger than me  ). We have since had 5 children. I came back to the church when my twins #'s 3&4 were born. My husband converted the next Easter and my mother came back to the church a year ago (we are all working on my dad). I found out only recently that even through our estrangement my mother never ceased praying for me.
I still mourn those lost years.
We never know God's plan.
Never stop praying. Love your son. Trust God's Will and in his Mercy.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers as you navigate this difficult time.
God Bless.
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CatholicMommy
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Grateful in VA wrote:
I'll tell you how I wished they had handled the situation.
I wish they had taken the time to lovingly voice their concerns and then support me no matter what my decision and no matter how uncomfortable it was for them. I wish they had embraced him even though he was full of faults(aren't we all). I wish they had accepted his children for what they were(innocent).
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That estrangement can make us run even further away can't it?
I wish we all could live like this. I know even with my own son (he's SIX!) we are working on the pattern where, when he has done something naughty for the UMPTEENTH TIME I don't go off the deep end, but try to be patient, while also doling out the consequences necessary to the particular moment (sometimes, the consequence naturally happen without me!). And always be ready to hear his apology and move forward.
If we can set that pattern when our children are young, perhaps we can head off just such situations as you've described when they are older.
I know I have been the "girlfriend with problems" that don't set well with "boyfriend's" mom and dad, even when said boyfriend has as much or more baggage than I do! I never, never, never want to put someone else through that.
For the original post - my advice is to be gentle, loving, open, when needed firm with the rules of your house without crossing into her parental territory when it involves her children. Do get to know her. The fact that she is willing to date someone aged 20 when she already has 3 children who need a father ready to handle them (I don't know the maturity of your son, so am NOT saying anything there, just speaking generally), says that she is likely confused and needs someone with a strong faith to look to. It doesn't have to be an overt role-modeling. Just be loving.
He's probably looking at the situation as one where he can feel grown-up and responsible - I'm not sure how that relates to the above, but it's a thought that keeps playing through my mind.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Meeting your oldest child's girlfriend?
