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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: Sept 23 2010 at 12:52am | IP Logged
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I have made a lot of connections with my catholic homeschool group to set up playdates for my son just now. I hope all will go well. In the past my son has had a problems making friends on the playground. Many kids don't want to play with him. I wonder if it is because of his race?! I am white and my husband is hispanic, light skinned. My son is very handsome (well all kids are) but he also tans very very well and we spend a lot of time at the pool in the summer. 1 child in the baby pool area at one time wanted to play with me but not my son and I asked why and she said because his face was too dark!
I think my son's problem on the playground stems from not having older siblings there and from not knowing other kids and from being darker. My husband always says that all the standards were and are higher for him because of the color of his skin. He feels it across the board.
After a library story and craft time I asked the other moms at our craft table if anyone was heading out to the playground and they ignored me (except for 1 mom who had a new born and said she could not go because of that!) Wow. Its tough in NJ. Northeast people are snobby!
Either no one is at the playground or the kids there don't wnat to play with him, in general that is how it goes. At 1 homeschool picnic I asked some of teh kids if they would play with him since he does not have other brothers and sisters and didn't know any9one and so they did. But in the local playgrounds after public school lets out that line doens't seem to help at all. Oh well.
I guess we'll find our way. Some have said that more things will open up for us once he is older. I see where many many of my catholic homeschool acquaintances either stay close to home with all their kidsa nd don't want to leave their house and don't have time for us and others make playdates with their college buddies but we are older (mid 40s) and know no one from prior years. And I have had to reach out to everyone. My son is complaining a lot about lack of friends recently. He really wants friends but like some but not all he can be bossy too. So he will have to learn ot be flexible like he wants to play star wars all the time now on the playgrond and complains if theothers don't want to. Oh well.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Sept 23 2010 at 7:18am | IP Logged
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It does take time - lots of time - for some people to feel comfortable making new friends. We move often (military) and sometimes it's taken the whole two years for my kids to find friends, and other times it's been much easier.
Another thing to think about is that young children have to transition from parallel play (think two babies sitting next to each other, playing but not really interacting, sharing, etc.) to group play. This involves many developmental processes, which happen at different times for different children. It sounds as though your son is very group play-oriented, but some children his age might not be ready for that yet.
I wouldn't over-stress about the skin color issue. This is another thing young children have to learn about through experience. (Children aren't born racist, either - they just don't understand why skin tones differ from person to person.)
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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LucyP
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| Posted: Sept 24 2010 at 12:14pm | IP Logged
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At our local playground I see the kids who know each other from elsewhere (ie school, or mums being friends) playing together. My kids usually play with each other, and only rarely connect with other children - but that is the pattern I see with our children in their age group (below 7).
I find home ed groups very cliquey - both among the mums and the kids, and we have not formed any real friendships. I do talk to my 6yo about how to show people he is ready to play and be friendly - but I think it is experience that will bring that. I know, as a child who had siblings and went to school, that I found it hard to make friends. It is a skill or talent, imo - just like being artistic or musical and some people are naturally more gifted than others, but everyone can learn it to a degree.
One thing that I have seen work (at parks and home school meetings) is to take some cool toys that your child is ready to share. It is a great icebreaker and can help kids start to talk to one another, without mom-mediation, or with just a little help from you can pull kids over to check out what you have and interact with your child. Little things like balls, bubbles, frisbees, pool toys, water soakers, juggling stuff, stilts, diablos, a bag of toy cars or soldiers or dinos or whatever.
Another thing that can help, in my experience, is to start a game with your child/ren and some others and then step out so they continue on their own. My son often misses the "play with me" cues, so I may stay near him and when I notice a child who wants to play, I will involve the child - say my son is pretending to be driving a car at the park, I would say "oh here is a passenger for you to pick up, taxi man" and then when the two childre are in the car, ask where they off to, and melt away, leaving them to sort out what happens next - which is sometimes a cool, sustained piece of play, and sometimes is a 30 second interaction. 
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MelissaClaire
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| Posted: Sept 24 2010 at 12:41pm | IP Logged
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I think in general kids and adults have a hard time getting out of their own comfort zones.
I know at the playground my kids will immediately pull back from kids that come right up to them and try to latch on and get in their space and ask a million questions. Especially if they've just stepped foot on the playground or they've got some game of tag or something going on and someone arrives and wants to take control of the play.
They really just want to run and play. If someone wants to run and play next to them they'd love it--but if someone gets too much in their space or tries to control play too much they will walk away. My kids are mostly shy so they need a gradual warm up to stuff and some kids can't read those cues and immediately want to be all in their business. I know race is not an issue for my kids at all. We're in a very multicultural area so color doesn't faze them at all--but they wouldn't care if the kid was green or purple--but if she wasn't giving them some space to warm up to playing with them--they'd shut down.
I think the suggestion to model the type of play on the playground and gently invite another kid into that play is a good one. Also I think a couple little toys would be a good idea. We never think of bringing matchbox cars to race down the slide, but sometimes at the park I notice other people do and my boys certainly want to go play with those kids!
And I think patience would be good in this situation--teaching him it takes time to build friendships and that to make friends you need to be a good friend--being a good listener, a good sharer and making sure the other person is also having fun.
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Melissa
Mom to a dd ('02), ds ('03), ds ('05), dd ('07) and baby due 9/01/09
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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: Sept 25 2010 at 9:36pm | IP Logged
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Thank you so much for all your great ideas! I will start to take toys with us to the park, great idea! it works at the pool, why not at the park? Why didn't I think of that?! Thanks!
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: playground problems
