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UK Mum
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| Posted: Sept 04 2010 at 12:56pm | IP Logged
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I have 2 girls, aged 5 & 7
Several months ago we had new neighbours move in who have a 10 yr old son. He was very polite kind & mannerly. He has played many times in my home & I have had no problems.
Then the problems began
My 5 yo adores snails & collects them from the garden as her 'pets' Twice he has smashed them up infront of her. since then, there has been a whole catalogue of events - I wont go into the all of the details - but this is since the summer holidays & the local children all playing outdoors together. He has punched another little girl & regularly uses bad language. The children are all just left to roam from dawn till dusk. My children had been allowed to play with them outside at the front of my house for up to an hour.
I have now told them they cannot play with him. I have told him to stay away from my girls. (was this a bad move???) he has been involved in putting graffitti on a local shop & throwing stones at a neighbours window. These children are not the children I thought they were : (
(the children involved are the boy I am talking about, two other boys & an 11 yo girl)
I hope I have put this accross clearly - I fear not - I hve had a lot of interuptions whilst trying to type.
My thoughts are just to rein my girls in & just allow them to play in the garden. But then I feel sad that they are not being able to be part of the neighbourhood (but, then I do not want them involved with children committing such horrid things)
I would appreciate your thoughts ladies.
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Lynn
“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”
Michelangelo
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Sept 04 2010 at 1:22pm | IP Logged
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I have no problem keeping my younger children away from older children who exhibit behaviors that are distressing to my children, are objectively wrong, or are simply inappropriate due to the difference in ages.
You can do two things at once. Protect your younger children as you see fit AND you can treat the older children with respect. You are protecting your children's youth, not judging the older child. I say things to older children like, "My little guy would like to play with you, but you are a big kid and he is little and needs to do little kid things right now." Another example would be when older kids curse around my young children. I will say something like, "Please keep the big kid talk away from my little kid's ears. Thanks."
For neighborly relationships, and to be Christ-like to young children who may need healthy boundaries and an example of courtesy, being respectful can pave the way for good relationships when these children become teens. Praise God I'm "in good" with all the teens in my neighborhood, including some pretty troubled souls.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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LucyP
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| Posted: Sept 04 2010 at 1:35pm | IP Logged
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I have seen some lovely teenage boys playing beautifully with little ones and babies, but they tend to be home edded. I wouldn't want my 3yo and 6yo playing with a 10yo unless it was in our garden or they were very well known to me, just because there is such a gap between the average 10 yo and the average 5 or 6yo.
I think you did the right thing. As Angie says you can be respectful of the children's human dignity but not expose your children to a child who kills their "pet" snails and is involved in vandalism.
We live in a less salubrious area of an english city and have kept our children away from the local kids, precisely because of situations like this. When I grew up, lots of sad and bad things happened in the mixed age group of local kids out playing out the back of the houses - I saw and experienced things I wouldn't want our two to, and that was 25-30 years ago. I do feel sad at the kids missing out on the nice, social side of things, but when I see 8yos snogging and smoking I am relieved...
There are lots of great opportunities for mixing with less risk to your children, and when they are older and need "street smarts" to cope with the charms of modern British life, I am sure there will still be lots of opportunities to practise!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Sept 04 2010 at 1:37pm | IP Logged
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Also, sometimes just an adult presence and the older kids will behave without you having to do anything.. so you might see how they act if you're right there with your girls.
We've been around some older kids and I've been an "attentive presence" and not had problems.. even though I know for a fact that the older child in question was getting into trouble elsewhere. It makes me sad because the older child obviously knew how to behave.. but just wasn't motivated to do so.
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Kathryn
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I'm afraid I would prob. do as well and let them only play in your garden area away from these influences. Seems sad but yours are so very young and the actions of these somewhat older kiddos (same age as my older 2) is very shocking to me.
If you wanted to continue to allow your children out front play-time, I certainly wouldn't allow any unsupervised interactions with any of these older children so if you're able to be there out front and within earshot that would prob. alleviate those negative influences.
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Syncletica
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| Posted: Sept 05 2010 at 11:35pm | IP Logged
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Here are some encouraging words and sound advice for you from Saint John Bosco:
"Listen to the wise words of the Holy Spirit: 'He that walks with the wise shall be wise: a friend of fools shall become like to them.' Fly from bad companions as from the bite of a poisonous snake.
If you keep with good companions, I can assure you that you will one day rejoice with the blessed in Heaven; whereas if you keep with those who are bad, you will become bad yourself, and you will be in danger of losing your soul."
My prayers are with you... 
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"Live as though your judge were to meet you today, and you will not fear Him when He does come." - St. Augustine
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UK Mum
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| Posted: Sept 06 2010 at 2:21pm | IP Logged
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thank you to all for your words of encouragement.
Angie - i think my deepest regret is in how I have handled this. I reacted badly & I now fear i have made an 'enemy' of this child. I truly believe that he is the kind of child who is very easily influenced.
Lucy - i think i have been very foolish to allow them to play out of my home with this boy - even though they were at the front of my house - somehow the 'rules' change. Where do you live, btw? I am in Lancashire
Jodie, i agree 100%
Kathryn - yes, I too was very shocked by this type of behaviour coming from a 10 yo. It has really taken me by surprise.
Syncletica - thank you for those words & *thank you* for your prayers
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Lynn
“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”
Michelangelo
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Sanveann
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| Posted: Sept 06 2010 at 9:23pm | IP Logged
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I would definitely not let my kids play with this boy, either. (Any chance his parents would be receptive if you shared your concerns? I'm guessing not, since it sounds like he basically runs wild.)
My own mom had no qualms about telling me that she didn't want me playing with such-and-such a kid when I was younger, because she felt they were a bad influence. It was a little awkward, but I think she did the right thing.
I agree with the others that I would have your kids play in your own yard only (at least they have each other to play with!), and set up play dates with friends who are better companions for them.
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hylabrook1
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There were a couple of neighborhood kiddos where we used to live who seemed to bring trouble/bad behavior in their wake. Even though I secretly believe that they were the ones leading my dc down the primrose path, my kids were also responsible for following them. Sooo, I told all of the kids and the mother of the other kids that I didn't know exactly what it was, but there just seemed to be some sort of *bad chemistry* when our kids played together, and I thought she would agree with me that having them play together was not in anyone's best interests. She said, "I see what you mean." Amazing agreement and cooperation. The kids went their own ways and we were all much happier. What I'm suggesting is that you talk with your dc, the other mother, and the other child and say something kind of non-specific and non-blame-assigning. It's just not a good situation. Let's avoid it. Amen.
Peace,
Nancy
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How would you deal with this?
