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KC in TX
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Location: Texas
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| Posted: Aug 16 2010 at 2:41pm | IP Logged
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is home without giving up MY home?
My parents will be moving in with us within the next year. My husband and I have always talked of this and agreed we'd be the ones. Well, for various reasons, it's happening earlier than anticipated.
How can I keep my autonomy and independence without making my parents feel like guests? Just to give you an idea, my mother started talking about all the things she had planned for the backyard. I don't want to say that she needs to have my permission to do things, but I want to be able to have a say in what she does to change things around the house.
Any advice would be appreciated.
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Aug 16 2010 at 2:47pm | IP Logged
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compromise..
Maybe be able to say hey mom.. you've got some great ideas but we need to agree on which things we do..
also if you can.. give her her own space to do with as she wants.. so if she wants a pretty flower garden type look.. give her a space that she can do that.. and still leave other spaces open for playing games without worrying about trampling flowers or for trucks and cars and digging in the dirt. 
And remember if you start by telling her positive things.. like how great her ideas are or ones you particularly like.. then it'll be easier for both of you to discuss the others without getting defensive.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Aug 16 2010 at 8:18pm | IP Logged
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I think about this a lot as my parents age. I"m always looking around my house thinking how I would handle the space issue if they moved in.
One thing I keep returning to is the idea of giving them their own space within house. Most likely my dh and I would give up t he master bedroom for them. That would give them a good space to set up however they wanted.
I'm fine with a smaller bedroom; I don't get to spend much time there, anyway. 
Also, I try to focus on the ways we could help each other. My mother loves to cook, and though I admit I'm not a huge fan of all the things she makes, it would, in honesty, be a joy to have help in the kitchen. She would then want to organize things her way, and then I would have to be GRACIOUS. I would have to look at the big picture... does it really matter which drawers the spoons are in?
I feel like I would really have to change my way of thinking: not my home, but our home. I lived in her home for years and years and made all kinds of messes and didn't even appreciate all she did most of the time.
Those are just some thoughts,,,
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Aug 16 2010 at 8:28pm | IP Logged
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It's a challenge, for sure. Many of the most successful arrangements I've seen have involved setting aside separate spaces for parents and their adult children.
KC, one point you might want to make early on is that you, as a military wife, really value the chance to make your own home "yours" and appreciate that wish in your mother, too. Then, offer up the space in the garden or house that would be hers to play with...with the rest under your purview.
Two thoughts, based on my experiences this summer, might also help. First, using positive words to describe relationships and experiences (as opposed to complaints) should be the rule of the day. Your parents are beloved family members and everyone should try to remember that. Using "I" messages instead of "Grandma always..." is a constructive way to express feelings.
Second, consider establishing a weekly block of time for appointments for your parents, especially since you teach your children at home. Unless there's an emergency, all medical/hair/dental/shopping/etc. driving appointments that require your help could be scheduled in pre-determined blocks (every day before 10:00; only MWF afternoons, whatever works for you). This will prevent your parents' schedule from pre-empting your home learning plans.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How to help parents feel like this
