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SeaStar
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| Posted: Aug 09 2010 at 6:08pm | IP Logged
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My parents just turned 75 and thankfully are in fairly good health and mind.
However, they are older and do need more rest... which brings me to my concern and questions.
Over the summer, my parents have not even had one week without company.
Family, friends, and even people they don't even know (friends of friends) have stayed at their house, which has really drained my mom's energy. Her blood pressure has been steady for a long while, but now is up again.
My question is this: how can I (or should I) discretely put out the word that Granny's house is not a hotel? They do love to see family and friends and enjoy having visitors, but it has really gotten crazy.... people wanting rides to the airport at all hours, coming for a couple of days and staying a week, coming back multiple times over 2-3 months... my mom can't even catch her breath. One groups leaves, she cleans house, and then the next groups arrives.
My parents would never turn anyone away, but I am concerned that all this "busyness" is exhausting them.
For those of you who have been there with your aging parents, how did you handle this?
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Aug 09 2010 at 6:35pm | IP Logged
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How about instead of telling people not to stay.. you send out the word that they NEED HELP.. And if someone wants to stay that they should be cleaning house and doing yard work and the like 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Aug 09 2010 at 8:48pm | IP Logged
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I'm assuming that your mom and dad are in the habit of having an open home...and that others are in the habit of enjoying their hospitality. It can be hard for all involved to see/accept that things can change. If this is the case and your mom and dad aren't up to negotiating this change on their own, can they redirect calls to you? For example, Cousin A calls and says, "Can we visit next week?" Your mom can reply, "We love seeing you! Melinda is helping us with our calendar right now. Can you give her a call?"
Love,
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Angie Mc
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Aug 09 2010 at 9:13pm | IP Logged
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You also want to be careful trying to limit these visits from the "outside"..
If it is part of them, and if they actually like it even if they get tired now from the extra work.. limiting or eliminating may actually make them feel sad/depressed/ignored/neglected etc.
So if they want to limit the visits, and you're just offering to them to be the heavy.. that's great. But I would think twice about "getting the word out" that they can't have as much company as usual.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Aug 09 2010 at 9:23pm | IP Logged
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Jodie is right. It really doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" thing. Sometimes just having a few minutes to think it over give everyone involved a chance to look for good options. For example, if mom has always cooked for company and that is draining, perhaps company can cook or take everyone out while mom bakes the dessert. To go from cooking everything to cooking nothing may not be necessary and can be sad for someone who loves to cook. Hopefully, with you all working together, you can help your parents to keep doing what they love, while leaving behind what is unnecessarily draining.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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crusermom
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Have your parents expressed any concerns? I know that my mom is 85 and if I ever "put the word out" concerning anything about her house she would get pretty grumpy with me. She had a big family and still loves the busyness of lots of company. Even though it is exhausting, she prefers this to the lonely lives that many elderly are living. You might talk with them and find out where they are on this.
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Mary
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Erin
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Can anyone else help out with the airport trips? I'd think that could be quite a strain.
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Erin
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leanne maree
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To ask the reliculous, have you talked to your Mum about your concerns?
Sounds like they are the most hospitable people.
Bless them
Leanne 
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Leanne
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Aug 10 2010 at 6:17am | IP Logged
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Thank you all- you have all brought up just about every concern I have.
They do enjoy the company, but my mother has come to me and told me that she is tired. Also, when some of her company has stayed longer than planned, I can tell she has been frustrated and felt somewhat trapped.
Now, they do love company and would not want to that to stop, but my mother is an introvert at heart and just needs periods of quiet to refresh herself and enjoy the next group of visitors. This summer she has not been able to have more than a few days to herself without company, which I believe is causing her stress and the rise in blood pressure.
I just can't figure out if I should say anything or wait and see if the fall brings a break in their schedule. I have talked to her and suggested that they at least stop offering to house the friends of friends.... people they don't even know! It is kind to be hospitable, but I think that is just too much considering all the other company they have.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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Erin
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Melinda
Sounds like you mum has such a big heart. Considering their age I think it rather much that they are hosting strangers! Wow!
So that's a great parameter, if she has come to you it sounds like she may like you to help discuss her parameters' Could your mum state to people that she is available say the first and second week of each month (rough sketching here) but not for the other weeks. And I truly would look at the airport driving, people may just have to take a taxi.
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Karen T
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| Posted: Aug 14 2010 at 1:35pm | IP Logged
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No helpful ideas here but I just can't believe complete strangers ask to stay with people they don't know! Whose idea is it? Do your parents' friends (who also seem to mooch) then offer it to other friends? I would never presume to go and stay with someone that I was not close friends with unless they specifically invited me.
Karen
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Caring for Our Parents
