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StefA
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I am now almost 10 months postpartum, and my fertility is showing signs of returning, so DH and I have started talking whether we need *more* child spacing or not. Right now, we don't have any more room in our car, so we would need a van if we became pregnant again. I fully believe God provides, as He has provided for us so far, but we struggle financially, so I've been thinking about the concept of "responsible parenthood" with regards to that. Now, for us, babies don't really cost anything, since we use hand-me-down clothing, breastfeed, and co-sleep. But obviously they cost when they are older. So, if y'all don't mind sharing, what are some of the main things you and your DHs consider when growing your family? Are their any here who don't use systematic NFP at all, and just let the children come as they may? Just looking for some thoughts and advice. 
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~Stef, wife to Tsion, mother to Keegan (2-15-07) and Gianna (10-01-09), stepmother to Jayden (5-3-01)~
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SeaStar
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Stef-
This is a good question and also a very personal one for each married couple. I can only speak for my household.... I love the idea of letting the babies come as God sends them. My dh feels differently as we have struggled with the heart ache of having a child with a chronic illness, plus labor/delivery has not gone smoothly for us either time.
I find myself having to be respectful of his limits in the same way you are conscious of financial limits. I think the best thing always in this situation is to take it to prayer and ask the Lord to clearly show HIs will for your family.
God created families of all sizes. The Holy Family was a mom, a dad and one child, and that was His perfect will for that family. He has plans for all of us in different ways.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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zookeeper9
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Stef,
As Melinda said it is personal question each couple must determine for themselves. In my 23 years of marriage it has changed, especially as our faith grew. I was more of a "cafeteria Catholic" in my younger years.
Have you been trained in NFP? If not, that would be place to start -- finding a local NFP teacher. After that you can make your decisions.
DH and I are now letting the babies come as God sends them, but considering my age I do not know if any more will be sent.
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Donna
Wife to Richard (25 years)
Mom to Liz (21), Mandy (19), Douglas (14), Becky (13), Emma (13), Patrick (13), Abby (6), Maggie (6), and Marian (6)
Plus one saint in heaven Andrew 1/22-7/5/2005
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StefA
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We weren't trained in NFP, but I'm self-taught and fairly confident in my ability to read my fertility signs, however, I'm not sure how to chart before my period has returned.
I know it is a personal decision between the couple and God, though, I was just wondering what other people's thoughts were on the matter for them. :) Ultimately, we are leaning towards we *don't* have a grave reason to abstain, but this is first time we are really in a situation of having to think about this, so it's a little scary.
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~Stef, wife to Tsion, mother to Keegan (2-15-07) and Gianna (10-01-09), stepmother to Jayden (5-3-01)~
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JennGM
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We look at the emotional, physical, financial factors.
Emotionally -- is the adjustment for babies close together very hard? Post-partum depression? Has it been difficult to transition in pregnancy and postpartum with the other members of the family?
Physically -- are your pregnancies hard? Recovery difficult? Bedrest? ETA Do you have children that have extra medical or other needs? Nursing problems?
Financially -- I thought you laid that out well. Obviously a new car would be a concern for you.
Then I look at the dynamics of our family. Are there children that require more personal attention and mom time? Is this baby needing more wearing time than others?
But like you said, Stef, those are some factors that we bat around. It's a hard decision, and now even with serious medical reasons it's not easy.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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SuzanneG
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What are our concerns? What is holding us back from feeling ready and willing?
With those answers from the above quesitons, we look at the specific concern or worry and think of it/them in TWO WAYS:
1. Practical - things WE CAN do, remedy, improve, change. Is God calling us/me/dh to make changes and stretch me/us in "practical ways." Just mentioning this, as sometimes God was calling us to be open to making changes in US or our family IN ORDER to make us more willing, ready and happy to accept His gift of new life. Sometimes it wasn't about saying YES to a new baby AT THAT TIME, but about saying YES to something else in order to give us the faith, joy and confidence to say yes to a new baby later.
2. Spiritual - these would be the ever-present TRUST, Faith, Gratitude, etc...........are we just being called to have more of these NO MATTER WHAT our present situation?
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Suzanne in ID
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Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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LucyP
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We adopt and that is the only way a child can join our family so we are in a different position. That said we have been ardently praying for a new child for almost 2 years and so far we have not been blessed, but we have not been actively looking either. Lately I have been sensing that we may be meant to be a family of 2 children. We are discerning whether we should take active steps to pursue a third child or just wait and let God send one through one of our bio families having another child and us being approached to take the child. My main concern is less financial (because truthfully we can barely afford to have two if you really look into it) but more emotional - one of our children is very very hard work emotionally/behaviourally and so I am wondering how much stress that child can take and how much we can take of that child's reactions. Also for us, we adopt children at greater than average risk of mental health issues and so I am aware that every child we add increases the odds of us having a very seriously ill child at some point. So I am considering how likely I am to handle that calmly.
Ultimately, in God's will and knowing He will not test me beyond my strength, I know it will all work out. But I am still thinking and pondering...
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JodieLyn
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Quote:
Ultimately, we are leaning towards we *don't* have a grave reason to abstain, but this is first time we are really in a situation of having to think about this, so it's a little scary.
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I'm a convert, just so you understand a bit more where I'm coming from.
But it was quite the light bulb moment for me when we were able to shift from the birth control mentality of you prevent (even using only NFP) until you decide you're ready for another child.. and the freedom, scary though it is, of not doing anything unless you have a need to space.
But anyway, just wanted to let you know that I agree it can be scary to turn away from the trend of society and rest in your trust in God.
As far as how to start charting.. just start.. you'll be able to see how things are looking after you get into it a while.. but the thing is to just start.. there won't be any definitive point to use unless you wait on a cycle and depending on how long of natural spacing you get you could be pregnant before you start to chart if you keep waiting. 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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knowloveserve
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Not anything brilliant to add to this discussion regarding how WE decide. But I wanted to add a reflection.
In discussions like this, I've caught myself and other really good Catholics discussing the topic of more babies in a way that borders pretty much secular thinking. Charting this, planning that, avoiding this, aiming for that...
We all say with great meaning: "Babies are blessings!" But how many of us actually consider the depth of that statement? Are blessings planned, charted and asked for only when the time is right for us? Or are blessings freely bestowed on us by the Creator and accepted with the gracious attitude that knows HE knows our limitations and capabilities?
Becoming pregnant is more than doing the right (or wrong depending on how you look at it) actions at the right time. Becoming pregnant isn't something that just happens on a biological level when the science adds up in Phase II.
It is God who opens and closes the womb.
And if we firmly believed that He "knew them before He formed them in the womb"... we wouldn't agonize so much about the economy of babies.
That said, I firmly acknowledge that every family has a God-given right to discern this on their own and I don't pretend to understand or judge anyone's motivations whatsoever.
I just know that for me, NFP discussions can very easily stray from the holy, prayerful discernment into the unhealthy economizing and compartmentalizing of fertility and family size. So I thought I'd share.
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Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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JennGM
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My answers did sound like a colummn to check off tick marks, and it was incomplete of the spiritual side. To type it out sounds so calculating and planning, like I'm the one totally in control and I must have it my way.
We do have to take care of ourselves and we do need an element of taking an honest look. There are many good and serious reasons to practice NFP. It is a gift the Church has given us.
After taking the tally and we see there is no significant reason, we can open ourselves to be stretched spiritually. We trust in God to send what He pleases.
Practicing NFP still means being open to whatever happens...and it does.  And it's not an easy thing to do. Oftentimes serious reasons happen to be the family being "stretched"...so it's not like we're closing God out.
Taking from Bishop Sheen "Three to Get Married" it takes three to decide these things....
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1 '03 & ds2 '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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knowloveserve
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Jenn,
To clarify, I wasn't pointing out any flaws in your post at all. I was merely offering food for thought on an issue that I think sometimes gets overlooked... with no particular person in mind, except myself maybe.
Three to Get Married is a brilliant book!
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Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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JennGM
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knowloveserve wrote:
Jenn,
To clarify, I wasn't pointing out any flaws in your post at all. I was merely offering food for thought on an issue that I think sometimes gets overlooked... with no particular person in mind, except myself maybe.
Three to Get Married is a brilliant book! |
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No, I know you weren't. I've just been thinking a few days about how lopsided it seemed. So it wasn't in response to you directly, just fleshing out more thoughts.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1 '03 & ds2 '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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Mackfam
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Hi Stef!
There are as many right answers to this as there are couples. And thanks be to God! Holy Mother Church gives us language and boundaries in which to exercise our cooperation with the Holy Spirit, the Giver of Life. What a good and generous Mother she is!
As a couple, as a family, our considerations and prayerful questions/pleadings may not be appropriate or applicable in your family. What is serious in my family may not be serious in yours. There are just so many variables and individual circumstances.
I have no clear answers for you other than prayer - prayerfully and faithfully seeking His will for your family.
I might suggest that if you are uncertain or find that you are not at peace with your prayerful monthly discernment that you consider spiritual direction from a trusted and holy priest that can consider your circumstances, situation, needs, concerns, and all the variables that make your family so beautiful, individual, and pleasing before God. May God bless you for faithfully seeking out the answer for your family that lies within His Plan!
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
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Mackfam
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Mackfam wrote:
There are as many right answers to this as there are couples. |
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I just wanted to make sure to clarify and make sure you all understood that I meant - answers that are found within Church teaching. You all knew that's what I meant, right?  Just wanted to make sure I said it!
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Jen Mackintosh
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JodieLyn
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As Ellie pointed out so nicely.. we certainly don't want to exclude God.
I think perhaps we just get to talking about our part of things so much it seems like we are.. but God's part doesn't change so much so it gets talked about less.
I will point out to Protestant friends who comment on NFP not trusting God.. that while the Bible does say not to "deprive each other" it also says "except perhaps by mutual consent for a time to be free for prayer".. and then I usually point out that if you feel the need for NFP for spacing you probably also feel the need for prayer so that these can go hand in hand quite nicely.
And the integral part of NFP, the openness to life, for us means that we're willing to be "overruled" by God either way.. that when we're not planning spacing we're also not necessarily *trying to get pregnant* but just letting the normal way of being.. be.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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SuzanneG
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JodieLyn wrote:
| I think perhaps we just get to talking about our part of things so much it seems like we are.. but God's part doesn't change so much so it gets talked about less. |
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Right. Good point, Jodie. WE change and we are being asked to change, to grow in virtue, to trust and have faith in different ways. So, of course, we are talking about OUR PART more.
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Suzanne in ID
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Lisbet
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We have always taken Suzanne's approach. Rather than looking at our situation and determining that it was not a good time for another baby, we have looked at our situation and thought, "what can we do to grow and stretch if God were to bless us with another baby." Ellie's post was beautiful also.
In 16 years of marriage and 11 babies, we have had babies that have come at what ourselves, and certainly the world, would consider a 'bad time' for one reason or another. But, ultimately, it's turned out to be the perfect time for that baby after all. God does indeed know! :) Go figure!
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
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Martha
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Quote:
Are their any here who don't use systematic NFP at all, and just let the children come as they may? |
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That would be us. We completely abstained for nearly a year after our last baby, but that was for the sake of my physical health. I say abstaining, but the reality was that it was a nonissue during that time.
Lisbet wrote:
We have always taken Suzanne's approach. Rather than looking at our situation and determining that it was not a good time for another baby, we have looked at our situation and thought, "what can we do to grow and stretch if God were to bless us with another baby." Ellie's post was beautiful also.
In 16 years of marriage and 11 babies, we have had babies that
have come at what ourselves, and certainly the world, would consider a 'bad time' for one reason or another. But, ultimately, it's turned out to be the perfect time for that baby after all. God does indeed know! :)
Go figure! |
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This is exactly so for us too.
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
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Betsy
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SuzanneG
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Betsy wrote:
| My biggest frustration with the discussion of this topic is that it truly is a personal decision between Husband, Wife and God. Each family will be different. |
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This has been stated several times in this thread, and, Stef, the OP, asked the question in a very good way that fosters a respectful conversation about it:
StefA wrote:
| So, if y'all don't mind sharing, what are some of the main things you and your DHs consider when growing your family? ..........Just looking for some thoughts and advice. |
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Not everyone has a spiritual director, or a priest who will guide according to Church teaching about this. Not everyone has friends with whom to discuss. It can all be overwhelming when searching for how this applies in YOUR family. So, Stef is looking for considerations in the discernment process for her and her husband, which is certainly within the boundaries of this board, taking into consideration Prudential Decisions.
We aren't here to "debate" but to offer our own considerations during the discernment process. We can ask practical questions seeking brainstorming about prudential matters and expect to receive practical help. This is not a topic that everyone will feel comfortable joining - and this is fine. We all work within our individual sensitivity levels when posting.
This kind of discernment is done before God through on-your-knees-brainstorming with your husband. So, understanding that Stef will take this to her husband, prayerfully brainstorm this together seeking God's will for their family, we can offer some practical helps and questions that might be considered.
I have some examples of questions I/we might prayerfully consider with Stef's van example.....back later, time permitting!
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Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Can we talk determining family size?
