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StefA
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| Posted: June 16 2010 at 5:35pm | IP Logged
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Ladies, my heart hurts right now. I feel like a complete and total failure as a mother and a human being. A simple act of discipline/teaching went completely out of control tonight and I spanked my son in anger and screamed at him. Looking back on the whole situation, now I'm not even sure if he was deliberately defying me or not, which means I never should have spanked him to begin with, let alone when I did it again in anger.  I completely lost composure, and certainly didn't react with a meek and quiet spirit. I am so scared of being a mother and the responsibilities it brings- I'm so scared that my children will grow up to resent me and reject the Lord. My family life was not pleasant, and I am terrified that I am just repeating the cycle. I tell myself I am doing things differently, that I am walking by faith and living with grace, but then nights like tonight happen and I just break down.
I'm sorry to unload like this, and I'm not even sure what I'm asking for, but I needed to get this out in a safe space.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 16 2010 at 5:52pm | IP Logged
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oh Stef... making a mistake only means you're human like everyone else 
What will make the biggest difference is what you choose to do now.
A simple appology can make all the difference in the world in how your continue on, in how your kids feel about the situation.. just everything.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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StefA
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| Posted: June 16 2010 at 5:55pm | IP Logged
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Oh, I definitely apologized, I just can't forgive myself. I'm just so afraid he's going to remember this, that all I'm going to look like to him is this huge tyrant, not a loving mother. I want to teach my children not to be slaves to their emotions, but I don't think I know how to do that. There are lots of things I want to teach them, but in the practicalities of things, I don't know how to. It's like, I have these vague concepts of values in my head, but no idea how to actually instill those values.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: June 16 2010 at 6:44pm | IP Logged
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Forgive yourself, Stef .
Jodie is right. Entrust the past to Divine Mercy and please choose trustful surrender to Divine Providence. Be not afraid, dear. God provides you with all that you need in this moment.
How old is your son? From here, we can brainstorm ways to translate the values you have in your head in age-appropriate ways.
I also hope other moms will share how they keep their cool under pressure.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 16 2010 at 6:50pm | IP Logged
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Something you might want to consider.. perhaps, while there's nothing inherantly wrong with using spankings wisely, this is something that you should make off limits for yourself. A time out in the bedroom instead for instance, will give you an alternative discipline to use and also give you time to calm down before addressing it.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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StefA
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| Posted: June 17 2010 at 6:37am | IP Logged
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Jodie, perhaps you are right. I used to be against spanking. Then I found that a prudently used spanking is really effective. I believe I am most of the time in control of myself, but last night, after trying to outlast for about 45 minutes, with dinner getting cold, I just lost it.
Angie, my son is 3 years old.
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: June 17 2010 at 8:42am | IP Logged
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Stef, I have had more than one priest tell me that temper and anger issues is the top issue they hear about in confession with mothers. I was always thought to be patient my entire life and never lost it. What a shock to learn that I have a NASTY temper now that I have children to try my patience??!!
Just yesterday, after three days of "potty bootcamp" where I kept my temper and controlled my frustration over and over again, I lost it last night when my 4 year old had YET ANOTHER poop accident. I worked SO HARD for the past three days to fix this, and well, he did the same. old. thing.
So I lost it. Really lost it.
Then I went to be by myself, forced myself to pray and reflect as much as my mind would allow.
And you know what I realized? I have poop accidents too. Well, not literally  . But my outburst could definitely be described as such given the awful things (more in tone than words) which spew from my mouth.
And it helped me relate to my son, who is very weak like me (my husband and oldest seem so very strong in comparison sometimes!).
So, I resolved to once again try to be gentle with my son and he will resolve YET AGAIN to go to the potty to poop. But really, that is what holiness is. My pastor often reminds us that holiness isn't perfect, but rather, ALL OF US are holy if we are TRYING to conquer sin and don't give up.
My greatest temptation when these incidents occur is to despair. The hardest thing in the world to do is to begin again to pray and start over. Satan tells me lies like, "you'll never get better, you may as well give up, see what you did? you're worthless, etc..."
I think it was JennGM who told me once that her mother used to pray every evening that her children would not suffer from her mistakes (or something like that!). Pray for your children and beg for grace to make up for your failings!
And I think it was Laura Berquist who said that her younger children simply don't know the "angry mom" that her olders did. This testimony gives me such hope!
Anyway, Stef, I think you must be gentle with yourself and ask for the grace to begin again! Sounds simple, but it is SO HARD! Hugs and prayers to you!
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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StefA
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| Posted: June 17 2010 at 12:26pm | IP Logged
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Lindsay, I *so* hear you about despair. Honestly, I think that is one of the biggest sins I struggle with lately- despairing of God's mercy because I'm not yet perfect and don't live a life of sanctity the way the saints did.
I struggle so much, because I didn't have a good example of parenting, with either worrying I'm too lenient, or, like last night, being not just too strict, but a tyrant. My greatest fear is that my children will grow up and feel about me the way I feel about my parents. Don't get me wrong- I love my parents very much, but they are so mentally ill and so far from the Truth (despite attending Mass every week), that I struggle really, really, hard with what "Honor your father and mother" means, especially when I have children to consider.
__________________
~Stef, wife to Tsion, mother to Keegan (2-15-07) and Gianna (10-01-09), stepmother to Jayden (5-3-01)~
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: June 17 2010 at 2:07pm | IP Logged
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Stef, you are a dear to want to do right by your children, dh, and God. Your 3 year old will remember the whole of his childhood, not a list of isolated events. Developmentally speaking, few 3 year olds remember events. God knew what He was doing giving them this gift of forgetting  .
Strive to be the mother you want to be over time. No one is perfect. The saints understand this - are patient with others and themselves. They strive to become Christ-like while accepting God's will for them in the moment - which may be to accept the cross of ineptitude, confusion, and frustration.
Try to isolate your own issues with your past and be *the mom* now in front of your children. Be confident in yourself, in the fact that *you* are the mom. God gave *you* these children. He provides *you* with the grace you need to do what is right. He understands that *you* are learning, making mistakes, and making them right. He desires the salvation of *your* soul as well as those of your children. Stand tall! Not because you are perfect, but because you are HIS!
(On the topic of honoring parents, you might find this topic helpful. For dealing with your conflicting thoughts, this topic might help.)
Being a family is messy. Being a mom is hard. This is not to discourage, but rather, to reassure! Humbly accept your inexperience as just that, inexperience. Be patient and hopeful that time will take care of many of your concerns.
And a story...
When my first child and dd was 4yo (I remember it like yesterday) I totally lost it on her. Totally. Then I plunged into despair because I sooooooooooo wanted to be the best mother, a perfect mother, for her. Well, my dd is now 18 and she STILL doesn't have a perfect mother  . But what she does have is a very humble mother, a real mother, a mother who sympathizes with her blunders and rejoices in her triumphs. She doesn't remember that day, but knows the story. We laugh about it now, not that losing it is funny but because it took years for me to laugh at myself and my unrealistic expectations - to lighten up. Sometimes I'm still tempted by the allure of motherhood perfection. But not as often. Rarely, actually. Praise God!
Stef, yes - read books about mothering and come up with a plan for discipline and consider your temper and how to deal with it and give some time to figuring out your past and... and... and... If you haven't yet, do something nice for yourself right now. Eat some chocolate. Take a long pampering bath. Watch a funny movie. Then get back to your work, knowing that you are not alone in your struggles...and that I'm praying for you .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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StefA
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| Posted: June 17 2010 at 2:29pm | IP Logged
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Sometimes I think some of the mothering books I read make things worse, because the advice is so straight forward, when I can't apply it properly I feel inept again. I try though, and I guess that's all I can ask.
As far as doing something for myself today, I actually did. I got a hair cut, for the first time in at least a year, and developed a new appreciation for my naturally wavy/curly hair that I had never had before since it always seemed to just go willy/nilly. I am trying to just take one day at a time, but the guilt is eating me up. I need the grace of confession, I think.
Thanks for all the advice, everyone. Perhaps I will become more patient with time and lots of prayer.
__________________
~Stef, wife to Tsion, mother to Keegan (2-15-07) and Gianna (10-01-09), stepmother to Jayden (5-3-01)~
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KauaiCatholic
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| Posted: June 17 2010 at 2:36pm | IP Logged
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just saw this and sending up sympathetic prayers for you and all of us who struggle with this mantle of motherhood at times. (and I imagine that's everyone except Mary ...)
Stef, you sound like a wonderful mother!
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 Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 17 2010 at 2:56pm | IP Logged
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On mothering books.. some are good fits.. others are not. Ignore the "anyone can do this method" stuff.. if it doesn't fit how you normally do things.. and that normal isn't really a bad thing.. skip it. Find some that fit how you already tend to do things.. and use the additional information to think about why it works for you and to help forsee circumstances and how you could deal with them. Often, having a plan makes things work much better.
Now I'm not saying you can't learn new methods.. BUT why reinvent the wheel.. why change everything if part (most) of what you already do works.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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lovebeingamom
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| Posted: June 18 2010 at 1:03pm | IP Logged
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I really needed to read this thread, came at a perfect time in my life!!!!
I am really trying to practice the grace of patience right now with my DC 3.5 and 1.5 while I am expecting our 3rd - hormones seem to have the better of me right now.
Thanks ladies for making me feel *normal* - you all rock!!!!
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12stars
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There are so many great points in this thread. I too suffer from impatience with my children mostly my two boys. They are a handful. I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes. Reading parentings books only made me realize the fact that I am so undisciplined to follow through with what I read and I really felt the poverty of my parenting. In theory it all sounds wonderful, in pratice it can be very daunting. Throw in hormones and tiredness, it can become pretty exasperating quickly. Which would and does make me feel discouraged at times. Everything sounds great when it is in a book.
I have realized that reading books and others experiences helped me tremendously though, I am not throwing them out the window just yet. I take what I know will work and try to apply it as often as I can, sometimes imperfectly. Trying and always praying, knowing that everyday is new, every moment is new, even if it is just one minute at time. We still have the opportunity to change and grow from our mistakes.
My heart goes out to you and know that many of us don't have the benevolence we so desire. Divine Providence works even through these moments of chaos, and our brokeness.
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Claudia in Southern California
Wife to George,
Mom to DD 14, DD 10, DD 7, DS 4, DS 2, 1 in heaven, and now due 5/11.
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SusanMc
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Hey Stef,
I can totally relate to your posts. I have a 3yo a 1.5yo and a 12yo stepdaughter--heck I even have curly hair and can't remember the last time I had a proper hair cut!
I know that awful feeling that lingers when I've been "moster mom" and not been living up to my own parenting principles. It can be so hard to let go. Then the words of Jesus come forth to mind, "Go forth and sin no more." Going to confession also helps as does prayer. Most of all I keep in mind that the more I dwell on my past bad behaviour I prevent myself from being fully here in the present for my kids right now.
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StefA
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| Posted: June 21 2010 at 2:40pm | IP Logged
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Thanks, everyone. It is so hard, sometimes, to let go of the mistakes and keep living for the present moment. I know intellectually that my son will look at his childhood as a whole and not as a few isolated incidents, but I still worry. I fear that I will repeat the same mistakes that my parents did, and because of that, I fear my children will abandon the Faith. I had abandoned the Faith for a while, and it was only by the grace of God that I returned.
__________________
~Stef, wife to Tsion, mother to Keegan (2-15-07) and Gianna (10-01-09), stepmother to Jayden (5-3-01)~
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herdingkittens
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i have been there more times that i care to admit. one time i cried to my husband about it feeling horrible for hollering at a wee one, and he lovingly said, "did you say sorry?" i said yes, and to God. Then he added something to the effect of "you cannot undo the bad, but you can add more good. do something special or nice for her." i love this man. it was just what i needed. now that is what we practice as a family (even the children) when we do wrong to one another - we say sorry to the person, say sorry to God, then do something to make the person happy.
HTH and a big to you. we have ALL been there.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Lost my temper
