4Real Forums: daughter issues

Oh, Dearest Mother, Sweetest Virgin of Altagracia, our Patroness. You are our Advocate and to you we recommend our needs. You are our Teacher and like disciples we come to learn from the example of your holy life. You are our Mother, and like children, we come to offer you all of the love of our hearts. Receive, dearest Mother, our offerings and listen attentively to our supplications. Amen.

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Topic: daughter issues

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kbfsc
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Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 9:21pm \| IP Logged

I was going to title this post "girl drama" but I decided against it. I'm trying to reflect on JPII's phrase "feminine genius" and to feel encouraged in the midst of what is most certainly feeling like drama.

My daughter is six and she's really a doll. Bright and creative and intimidated by almost nothing. But she's really struggling right now in playing with other little girls. Especially two other little girls. I think in that "fight or flight" tendency she's a flee-er (is that a word?) - but she sends a few flaming arrows on her way out. Not nice. I think she gets overwhelmed or threatened or somehting and somehow and needs to flee. I feel overwhelmed by the whole thing because I want to correct the not nice behavior and see her heart to minister to the thing that feels overwhelmed - but these two desires don't go well together. It's complicated by the fact that the little girl receiving the arrows is usually my dear friend's daughter.

So here's the thing - how do I help her to be nice and be herself? Does that make sense? If she feels overwhelmed (or whatever it is) and needs to take a break she must do so without being ugly. But just as important to me is to discover what's in her little heart that feels overwhelmed (or whatever it is). We haven't really been able to get those feelings into words.

In talking to other moms it seems like there are some very common little female threads here. So - anybody been through this kind of stuff? And how to I help my daughter to do what she needs to do for her heart and be a good friend?

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Kiera
happy mama of ds '02, dd '03, ds '06, dd '09 and little ones in heaven

Erin
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Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 9:42pm \| IP Logged

Kiera

First thought that comes to mind, "two's company three's a crowd" is about little girls more than anyone else

Can you make play dates where it is just your friend's daughter and yours, of course not to make the other little girl feel left out, some time with just her too. Focusing on positive play skills first. I would try to be very close to supervise to 'nip in the bud' or even just to be aware so you can discuss skills later.

Also talk about what being a good friend is. I will remind my children as we are traveling to outings to remember to not be exclusive, to welcome new children, to make certain none of their friends are left out, to be on the alert. Lots of "how would you feel" type conversations.

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Erin
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Becky Parker
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Posted: Jan 30 2010 at 6:59am \| IP Logged

I agree with Erin. My dd also has 2 friends. They get along great with it's just two of them, in any combination. But when it's all three, someone is always left out.

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Becky
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guitarnan
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Posted: Jan 30 2010 at 10:29am \| IP Logged

Sometimes children in this age group have very strong emotions but lack the words to express them. Perhaps, when you talk about being a good friend, you could practice together some things she could say when she feels unhappy or angry during a play date. If she forgets, that's okay - you can review the "use your words" techniques after the play date ends.

Another helpful idea is to put any toys she doesn't really and truly want to share (especially new ones) into the closet during play dates. Then you don't end up with the "look at my (new toy), but you can't touch it" scenario that gets so awkward.

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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.

hsmom
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Posted: Feb 02 2010 at 5:57am \| IP Logged

Erin wrote:

First thought that comes to mind, "two's company three's a crowd" is about little girls more than anyone else

And this holds true even when they are older. I've told my dd to only invite one friend at a time, and if both of her friends show up at the door, I encourage them to stay at our house so that I can help them learn to resolve their own conflicts rather than always ending the playdate in a huff!

I remember Dr. Laura mentioning this on her radio show. More than two girls is trouble, more than 2 boys is a football game. Something like that.

kbfsc
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Posted: Feb 02 2010 at 2:35pm \| IP Logged

Thanks, Ladies! I really like the idea of practicing what to say and do when she's feeling overwhelmed.

We are trying to set up some one-on-one playgroups. She has agreed that it will be easier to include others and play nice with a larger group once she has had some one-on-one time with her favorite little friends.

I'm thinking a lot about her heart in all this. I notice that groups of three aren't much easier for grown women... so how can I expect her to fare better? But - what's at the heart of that? Perhaps it's just a bit of philosophizing and rambling, but I'm wondering what's broken in that feminine genius that we are so threatened by one another. A dear friend got a word recently from the Lord (for a women's group I'm in that is - no surprise here - really struggling with unity and relationship) which went like this: Why are you afraid of what your sister is to become?

Just seems related...

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Kiera
happy mama of ds '02, dd '03, ds '06, dd '09 and little ones in heaven

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