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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 12:12pm | IP Logged
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So, my oldest (5.5) has been quite emotional lately. If he doesn't like something that's happened, he goes off to sulk.
Now, for starters, I understand wanting/needing to be alone when you are upset or angry. BUT, it seems there is a difference between that and sulking, right? Or does all being alone when upset look like sulking when you are not the one doing it?
I'm just not sure if I'm supposed to prod or ignore. Often times it is over what I consider to be foolish things. I don't say that, I don't think (?), but for instance last week he started sulking because he kept messing up following the beads on his rosary. No amount of telling him that moms and dads get lost too, Jesus doesn't care, etc... could get through. AND, it seemed to grow. He refused to pray with us anymore because of it.
Today, we had choir practice at church (I lead it). It is a smaller, age diverse group, and he is sort of in the middle. He wants to do what the bigger kids do, but of course, he can't do it as well. After choir, he went off to hide, wanted to stay at church by himself, was sullen when, after trying to talk to him about it, I told him he must come home with us, and I had to zip his coat, etc... He said he didn't like the songs. He was fine, happy even, for the first part of practice, and I'm not sure when things changed.
Last week, in the evening after practice, he acted similarly, and my husband was able to talk to him.
I'm just not sure what to do in the middle of an incident.
Of course, since I started typing this, he came downstairs and said, "guess what, I'm not angry anymore!" Really, what changed your mind? "I just sat in the bathroom for a few minutes."
Okay, so does that mean ignoring is best? I am still so muddled about why he is so VERY upset by these things that I am oblivious to, making very dramatic statements like, "I guess I just can't do nothin'" "I guess I just won't eat." "I guess I'll just stay here all day." It feels manipulative, almost, or maybe somewhat passive aggressive? And I have trouble not feeling resentful when he expresses anger at me for what doesn't even make sense to me. Anger at me for a perceived injustice or for my own loss of temper I get, but anger at me because we aren't having dessert?
I mean, I suppose, ideally, he would never get angry or sad or frustrated, right?  Is this just normal 5.5 (il)logic and emotionalism I'm dealing with?
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 12:55pm | IP Logged
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Quote:
| Is this just normal 5.5 (il)logic and emotionalism I'm dealing with? |
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pretty much
I like ignoring IF it's not escalating. I found that some of my children if allowed to go and hide would self-talk themselves into being the "victim". Which only made things worse overall. So I started having them stand facing the wall near me.
But if they were just upset and needing time away I would let them have it.
It was the whole.. "no one likes me, everyone hates me, I think I'll eat worms" that I was trying to nip in the bud more. Plus it also translated to if they did do something wrong they're cry and storm off and tell themselves how it wasn't their fault how the other person made them do it.. and I didn't want any leeway for that type of self-talk.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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amyable
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 1:43pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
| It was the whole.. "no one likes me, everyone hates me, I think I'll eat worms" that I was trying to nip in the bud more. Plus it also translated to if they did do something wrong they're cry and storm off and tell themselves how it wasn't their fault how the other person made them do it.. and I didn't want any leeway for that type of self-talk. |
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I've heard this said before...I'm wondering (honestly, not trying to argue) how keeping someone with you stops the self-talk, vs. sending them to their room. My kids don't talk out loud...and I *think* they are giving themselves the "I'm the victim" speech in their heads whether they are near me w/ nose to the wall or sitting on their bed! Just wondering what your (or anyone's) thoughts are on this.
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 1:49pm | IP Logged
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That's it exactly, Jodie. I don't want to encourage a victim mentality. Glad its normal, though its still hard to guage the ones that blindside you. I want to be sensitive without encouraging them to being selfish.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 1:58pm | IP Logged
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Amy, I tell them to stop that.. and tell them what they should be thinking.. more or less. I go ahead and trust my instinct that they're talking themselves into being a victim.. but my worst also tended to talk under her breath. 
Things like "no one else can make me lose my temper". I tended to make it relate to whatever was shouted while they were trying to stomp off. I can't think of an example but something like "I was wrong but I can appologize and do better next time".. not so much trying to make them feel guilty.. they already do.. that's part of why they're trying to shift the blame.. so more a healthy way to deal with it.. that it's ok to have made a mistake and now we correct it, we work harder to not do it next time etc.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 2:01pm | IP Logged
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I guess it doesn't matter exactly what they're saying.. just like any other time when you're teaching them how to do something or deal with something and guide them through.. you're doing the same thing here.. you're talking them through how to handle these feelings in a good way.. if they've done something wrong, appologize, figure out somethign else you can do the next time instead etc.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 2:37pm | IP Logged
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I guess what I'm confused about is not so much when they feel bad because they actually did something bad and were punished, but when they feel bad because they are disappointed (generally over something I don't comprehend). I don't want to dismiss their feelings, but I do sort of feel like its my job to teach them not to take themselves so seriously--it feels petty and self-serving to me.
On one hand I'm afraid of encouraging selfishness, but on the other, I'm afraid of not showing compassion or sympathy (usually, empathy is beyond me in these situations). I'm willing to entertain the idea that just because it seems silly to me an adult doesn't mean it is silly to a child, and yet, shouldn't I "teach" them what *is* silly? Even more so, I'm worried that maybe there is something deeper that is truly bothering them that I can't address because they are unable to communicate what it is beyond, "I'm angry at the songs..." 
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 4:50pm | IP Logged
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Well it's not silly to them.. they're trying to do something and it just won't work right, they're failing and even though it's not a big deal to you as the adult.. it is to them. This might be a good time to talk about perseverance.. instead of just pointing out that others make mistakes.. you might also go to the what happens when others make mistakes.. like
It's very frustrating when you keep losing your place on the Rosary isn't it? You know that happens to me sometimes and what I do is figure it's the devil trying to make me stop praying.. so I grit my teeth and try again and won't let him win.
Some songs can be pretty hard to sing, can't they. Not everyone's voices are the same and there are limits to what each voice can do. As you grow some of that will just naturally improve. And sometimes we just need to take a break and sing easier songs for a while so that we can relax and not get frustrated.. do you know if you let yourself get all frustrated and let your shoulders bunch up and your face scowl that it will effect your voice and make you sing bad? Would you like to go and run around for a minute or sit here next to me while we listen and relax?
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 5:08pm | IP Logged
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Lindsay-
The book "How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" covers just this sort of thing.
The authors give several ways of handling these types of situations. One thing they mention is "validating" what the child might be feeling (because no one likes to be told what they are feeling is "wrong").
In your son's case, you might say (and here I am suggesting what the book would recommend):
"I can see you're really frustrated about losing your place in the rosary. I know those little beads can be slippery". (Validating his feelings).
Let child respond
"I bet you wish you could always be in just the right place and never have to worry about being off count".
let him respond and then offer some type of solution, either through humor, fantasy, or other ways (brainstorming solutions, etc)
Ex might be:
"If I had a gigantic rosary right now with bowling balls for beads, I would give it to you and I bet you'd never loose your place again!" (humor)
"If I had a magic wand I would just "pouf" your fingers right to the right place every time so you wouldn't have to worry about keeping track". (offering a fantasy solution, which even though kids know can't happen makes them feel better and diffuses the situation).
I'm doing a lame job explaining, but I found the book to be really helpful with my ds, who has similar moments all the time.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 7:46pm | IP Logged
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Lindsay - as I was reading Jodie's comments just prior to Melinda's, my exact thoughts were to recommend that you read "How to Talk....". Several of my dc have been sort of *doomsayers, over-generalizers* at a young age (the "I guess I just won't eat" sort of reactions). Using the sorts of responses/attitudes suggested in that book (when I would remember to use them ), would most often really turn the situation around. You have my empathy and prayers and  -- I know it's very disconcerting to listen to your child say those kinds of things and react like that.
Peace,
Nancy
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 8:10pm | IP Logged
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Thanks ladies! I requested the book recommended. It is one of those titles I see come up a lot, so I guess its about time I read it. Sometimes I resistant to reading so many parenting books because my inclination is to read all of the "good" ones, but it is one of those things I think is so strange about current culture and want to buck the trend, lol. It really sounds like it could help, though, now that my oldest is verbal He was a late talker, and in some ways, it was easier not knowing what he was thinking Cuz really, I still don't know what he's thinking, but he expects me too!
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 30 2010 at 12:26am | IP Logged
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Well I too had read that book and apparently have internalized it enough I I totally had forgotten that that's what some of my ideas are based on. So yeah, read the book.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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LucyP
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| Posted: Jan 30 2010 at 7:29am | IP Logged
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Your son sounds like mine, who is just turned 6. He cannot cope with "failure" or disappointment. I think at such a young age, it is my job to support and encourage. I tend to emphathise with how he feels, try to offer a valid positive, and then do some coaching to get him back on track. It is good that he is showing his feelings to you rather than hiding them.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Sulking
