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guitarnan
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It looks like we are at the stage of life where we'll need to bring a parent to live near us, all the way across the U.S. We have several months to plan. Right now we're looking at an independent living situation, but, of course, we don't know if that will change over the next few years.
Has anyone done this over such a great distance? What should I be thinking about? (Besides apartments, transportation, insurance and doctors...) How do you find a doctor for your loved one? Do you ask friends and their parents, and then look at doctors who accept Medicare?
If anyone has books or publications to recommend, I'm ready to start reading, too.
Thanks for your help. This will be a big change for everyone, but we've been anticipating it for a while, and I think we're open to all the possibilities.
(Last question...how do you get siblings who will be far away from the parent in question to help with care, expenses, etc.? Our expectations aren't high, but it would be nice to get, for example, help with leasing a car, or help when we're on vacation.)
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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MarilynW
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O Nancy - no advice but lots of prayers.
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Marilyn
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JodieLyn
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Haven't done this.. and probably won't.. it's most likely my mom will move here while she's still perfectly able to live anywhere on her own so little help is needed to get her set up. And you couldn't get dh's mother to come here.. good thing dh's brothers live close to her where she wants to be 
But if you can talk to your siblings and get them involved in what's going on rather than having to ask them for help, they can be helping determine what needs to happen and maybe even offering help. Then if something comes up, you can just present it to your "team".. hey this came up, how do we deal with it?
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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stefoodie
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We've talked and talked and talked and talked about this... and basically gave up. They had so many objections (relatives nearby, familiarity of surroundings, mahjongg playmates (!)  , their garden, etc.), we get more snow here, etc.) BUT things are finally changing and last Christmas my Mom finally brought it up again... they said in about two years.
Some things (other than the ones you've already mentioned) we want to make sure they have:
- a place to garden if they don't buy a place with adequate land
- opportunity to volunteer somewhere
- friends their age
- Church has to be nearby, if possible walking distance, as they want to be able to go to daily Mass
i'll be looking at this thread again Monday.
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stef
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Paula in MN
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We've talked about this extensively, but with my parents it would be moving onto our property. We could convert our garage into a one bedroom apartment, or we could just build a one level home 50 feet from our front door. We are close to major cities, so there is access to medical care. We have room for gardening and wood-carving and fishing. Several nursing homes in the area that would love volunteer help. My kids would love having them here ~ my mom has said she would help with homeschooling. The bottom line for us is that if this is what we have to do we will.
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 Paula
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stellamaris
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We are in this process, too, Nancy. We are still working on convincing our loved one that this is soon going to be necessary. I will be praying for you; this is tough.
One book, which honestly I have not read, but which a counselor friend who deals with these particular family issues recommended to me is How to Say It to Seniors. I hope to read it soon, because sometimes the hardest part of this stage of life is communicating clearly and yet respectfully to our elder parents concerning their needs and how we can help.
I am the sibling far away, and it is really hard to not be able to help. I think if you just spoke to your distant siblings, gave them a few options of how they could help, and asked them which they would like to do, they would actually probably appreciate it. I know I would!
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Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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rivendellmom
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It took a long time (from July to now) to convince my FIL to move here. He's still not completely at ease. My DH has a sister and brother and although both are single neither of them have stepped up to help us. We made a bedroom out of our laundry room and its working out well so far. My FIL is steps away from the action, yet he has a door that he can close when we get to be too much.
If we were in a situation where we could ask for help I would matter of factly just tell the siblings what you need and see what they say. In our case there were simply no options except that we step up and take care of him. I am reserving the book Caroline mentioned at the library as we seem to have a communication gap in some areas.
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Jen in suburban Chicagoland Mom to Connor(91), Garrett(93), Reilly (95), Mary Katherine (98), Declan (05), Ronan in ^i^ 6/28/08
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Martha in VA
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stellamaris wrote:
One book, which honestly I have not read, but which a counselor friend who deals with these particular family issues recommended to me is How to Say It to Seniors. I hope to read it soon, because sometimes the hardest part of this stage of life is communicating clearly and yet respectfully to our elder parents concerning their needs and how we can help.
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Dh's parents moved to our town in 2006. His dad died in 2008 leaving his very dependent, frail wife behind. She has lived with us ever since. It is hard. Nearly every aspect of our lives is affected. It is rarely Dh, me and the kids anymore. I get resentful. I have pity parties. But I know that all that is just my selfish heart getting in the way and so I take it to confession. I am certain we are right where God wants us.
This book sounds incredible and I just plunked it into my Amazon cart. Frankly, it is dangerously easy to coerce a senior into doing what you want them to do. I think I can learn a lot from this book.
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JodieLyn
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Martha, it depends on the senior. My dad and his brothers couldn't even convince their mom to go to the doctor when needed. My mom was the only one able to get her to do things like that. To the point that one of my uncles paid for my mom to fly from California to Indiana for help with my grandma.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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guitarnan
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I have requested the book from my library. I find it's hard for me to get my loved ones to go to the doctor, too - sometimes I think it's the Depression-era childhood, the soldiering on through adversity mentality, that makes them so willing to gloss over their own issues and worry about ours instead.
It sounds as if this book will be a great resource.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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stellamaris
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Nancy, I think, too, it is very hard for them to accept that they need help and to accept that they are, in fact, old. I know this is so difficult for one of my loved ones right now...just facing that fact that she is getting old herself. You know it will happen to you, but when it actually does begin to happen, it's pretty tough to admit it. We all like to look forward to the future in hope, but for older seniors the future can look bleak and scary. For those who have a deep faith, there is clearly much they can look forward to...eternity with God! But there can be the fear of the suffering they may have to endure to finally be with God (and I'm talking here about the physical suffering on this earth, not just suffering in Purgatory). For others who haven't cultivated a strong life of prayer, that hope is elusive and the day-to-day struggles of the failing body can certainly overwhelm the hope.
Maybe they can't face their own issues because they see no way to resolve them?
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Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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guitarnan
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Well, this parent is ready to move nearer to us - it's more the timing and logistics and what-if-we-get-sent-somewhere-else part. She has friends where she lives now, but no family. Being close to us would be good (and my kids are so excited!) but we'd need to set up a secondary support network if we have to move away for dh's military work. That is really scary.
Finding a trustworthy doctor who accepts Medicare is very daunting, too, because we're dealing with rheumatoid arthritis.
I've had this parent live with us for several weeks at a time, so I have a decent idea of what to expect in that regard (she's a dear, if a bit high-maintenance, and if she has her own little apartment and her dog, we'll do fine). I'm more concerned about finding all the resources here that she has where she is now (friends and medical care in particular) so she isn't lonely and can manage her health issues. Being near family is nice, but she'll be leaving behind the friends she's had for the last 40 years. That has just got to be hard.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Tami
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Nancy, I watched my cousin care for her parents in her home for 8+ years. I know it's a bit different for you now, but one thing I would look into is the availability of a senior center for activities, or a church group that is primarily their peers. My uncle had a group of 'breakfast buddies' that he went out with every Tuesday after morning mass. Those relationships were vital to him for a long time.
The other possibility is the local community college, for enrichment classes and gym facilities, or the local YMCA, if there is one.
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God bless,
Tami
When we are crushed like grapes, we cannot think of the wine we will become. (Nouwen)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Bringing Parents to Live Near You
