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Mimip
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| Posted: Dec 21 2009 at 6:19pm | IP Logged
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Hello Ladies,
Has anyone had to deal with severe fears in children? My daughter has developed a fear of toxins. We watched a episode of Modern Marvels on the History channel on Acid and she has become obsessed with not getting toxins into her body.
Yesterday she would not let me mop her floor because she did not want any toxins in her room. Today she went on and on because my sister used acetone to remove nail polish. She kept making sure she did not touch anything that would come in contact with the acetone and then touch her mouth.
I have spoken to her in depth about her fear and she says she is afraid that she would die. I told her that if she did get in contact with a toxin her dad and I, and any other adult for that matter, would help her and take her to the hospital if she got sick.
I thought it was harmless until today when she told me that she doesn't want to go to a store because what if they have a toxin that will harm her and then she said why did God have to make her so fearful????
She was the one that made me post this. She wants to know if there are any other children out there with fears and how did their mommies deal with it.
OKAY, she walked away, my heart is breaking, is there anyone out there with some advice? My family is convinced she needs professional help and she needs some type of counseling. My hubby and I are praying that we might find some magical words that will help.
Please pray, if nothing else.
TIA!
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In Christ,
Mimi
Wife of 16 years to Tom, Mom of DD'00, DD'02, '04(in heaven) DS'05, DS'08 and DS '12
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jenk
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I can sympathize my son (age 8) sounds very similar to your daughter. He started this kind of reaction to things within the past year. Fears and worries have affected his sleep and sometimes rock our days. He worries about a wide range of things from "contamination" to things bordering on scrupulosity like fear of having committed terrible sin. Ds is an intense child who has always been a "thinker". So far we have not taken him in for a professional opinion but have been working with him at home. The thing that has worked the best for us, but has been the hardest to keep up with, is modifying his diet. He seems to deal with his worries better when we have been faithful in using the Feingold diet with him.
We have also started to treat the worries like they are no big deal. We don't spend time giving "voice" to obsessive worry... Not to brush him off but also not playing into his fears... my dh will also approach some of the situations with humor, which seems to help- ds has a hard time worrying when he is laughing. I tried explaining and rationalizing but that seemed to feed his fear- he always had a "but" to counter my attempt to comfort him.
And we have certainly spent hours in prayer over this too!!! I look forward to following this post, as the situation at our house has not been completely resolved, though it is much better than when it first started.
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Jen
with 2 boys, 14 and 8, and a girl expected 1/09
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Dec 21 2009 at 8:42pm | IP Logged
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jenk wrote:
We have also started to treat the worries like they are no big deal. We don't spend time giving "voice" to obsessive worry... Not to brush him off but also not playing into his fears... my dh will also approach some of the situations with humor, which seems to help- ds has a hard time worrying when he is laughing. I tried explaining and rationalizing but that seemed to feed his fear- he always had a "but" to counter my attempt to comfort him.
And we have certainly spent hours in prayer over this too!!! I look forward to following this post, as the situation at our house has not been completely resolved, though it is much better than when it first started. |
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DITTO above! May be this is an age thing?! My DS 9 1/2 choked on a chip about 3 months ago and has been terrified of dying ever since! He keeps saying "something's in my throat", "why can't I breathe?". I've done exactly everything you've done Jen. We say his guardian angel prayer and the St. Michael prayer and that calms him. He's even had 3 or 4 panic attacks (sweating, shaking, said his throat was closing) at bedtime over it but thankfully he hasn't had one in the past month. I did finally take him to the pediatrician and of course she said his throat is "fine". I thought that would be the end of it but it's not. At least the panic attacks have not returned.
I as well will watch this thread closely and hope anyone who's "been there, done that" can shed some light. I hate to think my son needs an anti-anxiety med at 9! My newest thing started Sunday and I told him that any time he feels his throat bothering him to just say "Thank you God for letting me breath". Then I told him he could say "Thank you God for not letting me choke to death on the chip." That was said with a wee bit of humor but he didn't find it funny at ALL to use the word "death" so I modified it to the first.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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JodieLyn
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Perhaps a lesson in degrees.. basically that while something may be a toxin that it's so very very small that she's not even going to notice it.. and make a scale.. so that she can see that some are harmless and which are bad.
Maybe point out medicines to her.. that if she needs something that in the right amount it is good for her.. but that when you don't need it or you take too much that it's bad for you.
How drinking soap is bad for you.. but a small amount in laundry or dishes gets things clean so that you don't get sick.
Basically expand her understanding to include more "gray" than she is right now.. right now it sounds like if something is a toxin and she gets no matter how small amount that = death.
If you can fill in with the gray areas some.. and then give her ways to quantify them.. like a 0-10 scale and a chart that make 10= death and 8=sick take you to the hospital where the doctors will help you get the toxins out and heal the spots that are hurt" and 2=ok to use". Give her a way to lable them within a scale instead of any toxin=death..
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Matilda
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Maybe it is the age? My just turned 9 year old has not been able to go to sleep the past three nights. Something about watching It's a Wonderful Life now has her terrified of dying. It seems to hit hardest for her at night, probably because we watched the movie together at night. Just wanted to let your daughter know that this might be perfectly normal for kids her age even if the substance of the fear is different. Hope that helps!
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Charlotte (Matilda)
Mom to four (11 , 10 , 9 & 5 ) an even split for now
with bookend boys and a double girl sandwich
Waltzing Matilda
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Nique
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Dear Mimip, jenk, Kathryn and JodieLyn,
Does your child have a Priest she/he especially likes? Could you call him and explain the situation and ask if your daughter/son and family could come in for a "Special Blessing"?
In his Blessing, ask your Priest to also say the same words your child uses in describing what they specifically fear.. asking God to take it away, using a good explanation so they can visualize it actually leaving..you know..have a mental image of it.
Let our Heavenly Father, our greatest Physician-help!
He did for us when our dd(age 6) went through a fear after we brought home our twin babies #5 and #6 from the hospital!! Family suggested we send her to a psychologist..instead, it was God Who turned her thinking around 180 degrees!
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I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted - stay up all night or eat ice cream straight out of the container. ~Bill Bryson
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guitarnan
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My dd worries about toxic plants and animals and has for a few years (she is 11). She will not run off to Australia, I know, for fear of all the natural dangers there. She has a science mind - wants to be a marine biologist - and pursuing this interest has led her to knowledge of toxic sea creatures, plants, etc.
So, in part, I do agree that children of this age worry about these things and that we must help them gently face these issues and plan responses to them.
I think there are no magical words that will make things better, but there is a way to help her cope. Accept her worries; acknowledge them and learn about them. Find words and phrases that will let her know her fears are understood but not worrisome at (whatever) particular time and place. "Yes, I know we learned about lead paint and other hazards of old buildings, but Colonial Williamsburg is a reconstruction, and thus has new, post-1978 paint. You don't need to worry here about the effects of lead poisoning." Stay calm and matter-of-fact, and have data to back up what you say.
It may take a couple of years but it will work...it did for us...be calm and accepting of fears and you'll be able to keep things under control
Praying...
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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mathmama
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Your dd reminds me of a dd of a friend who has OCD. They take her to a counselor who isn't Catholic but is respectful of their faith. She recommended a book (I can't remember the name now) that gives a strategy that the child can use when these obsessive thoughts come up. It works very well for them. My friend's dd's OCD is pretty pronounced but they have not had to use any medication because this strategy has worked very well for her. The gist of it is that you give that voice in your head that gives you your fears a name and then when your fears come up you "speak" to this "person" and lay out the rational reasons why the fear is nonsense. I often thought that this book would be helpful for most parents/children even if a child isn't suffering from OCD, because all children have fears at one time or another. Prayers for you dd
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Beth, wife to Tom and mommy to 4 beautiful girls:
Therese 11/04
Anna Mary 6/07
Veronica 10/09
Theodora 11/12
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Matilda
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Beth,
I'd be very interested in knowing the name of that book if you could find it out or remember it. Thanks!
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Charlotte (Matilda)
Mom to four (11, 10, 9 & 5) an even split for now
with bookend boys and a double girl sandwich
Waltzing Matilda
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amyable
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| Posted: Dec 22 2009 at 7:34am | IP Logged
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I just read a chapter section on childhood fears in a John Rosemond book. But I know he can be a very straightforward and "get over it" kind of parent/author, so I'll share in a PM if anyone is interested, because it doesn't really jive with the rest of this board. 
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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anitamarie
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Freeing Your Child from Anxiety has been very helpful in our house for our dc who suffers from anxiety. The author addresses all different types of anxiety and has techniques for overcoming them. I know how heartbreaking and frustrating this can be for both of you. I'll pray for you.
Anita
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mathmama
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Matilda wrote:
Beth,
I'd be very interested in knowing the name of that book if you could find it out or remember it. Thanks! |
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I just put a call in to my friend, I will post again when I hear back from her.
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Beth, wife to Tom and mommy to 4 beautiful girls:
Therese 11/04
Anna Mary 6/07
Veronica 10/09
Theodora 11/12
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SuzanneG
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**Listen to the fears. Be understanding but don't give in to the fears. Don't REFUTE her fears, but tell her you need to put things in perspective.
"When you read information, it's only 1 part of the whole story. Most people come into contact with_______and they grow up completely fine like me and daddy. Our bodies have immune systems and they keep us healthy. That's how our bodies work. In general we don't touch those things very often. If we do, most people never get sick and it's FINE! Most people's bodies can fight off lots of germs, toxins, bacteria, etc. It would be very very hard to die from those things. The few people that died from those things, touched them hundreds of times, that's not your situation.
**"And, our bodies and God take care of us. That's why when you get a cold, you get over it and get better. God made our bodies like this for a reason. "
**"If we worry about things like this TOO MUCH, THAT makes you not feel good either. It's important to "guard your thoughts". (explain that)
GIVE CONTROL:
**It's fine with me if you don't want any nail polish, because you don't want to use a remover. It's your choice.
**It's fine with me if you use a natural cleaner when you mop...you can either make it yourself, or spend your own money to buy one that you think is toxin-free (or whatever). But, dad and I can use what we want when we mop.
Don't over-focus on it and buy into it. If she starts to really, really fret over something.....
1. be calm
2. immediately problem-solve the specific situation
3. give her options so she feels a bit in control
MOP FLOOR EXAMPLE:
"Just so you know, I understand what you're talking about, but your dad and I are not worried about a bit of cleaner in a mop solution. If you don't like the mop-cleaner, then it's fine if you're not here when I mop. I put very little _________ in and you're not licking floor. We need to mop, because we need to keep things clean. A dirty house can make us sick too. Or, you're welcome to mop the floor yourself with a homemade cleaner or cleaner you buy with your own money. (above)
*** Also, limit the scientific stuff on TV for the time being. LImit it, cuz obviously it's affecting her....she needs to guard her eyes and senses, and b/c of her age, you can help her with it by limiting it for her.
It's the GIVING CONTROL by helping her choose OPTIONS that can really help her "feel differently". She needs reasonable OPTIONS for those specific situations. You are there to provide the BOUNDARIES (just like you did when she was a toddler, only it's different scenarios now) and she can CHOOSE. This will help her put things in perspective (eventually) and help her to feel like she has control over a situation that seems DISMAL at the time.
Come back with other specifics if you need help brainstorming OPTIONS. (like the MOP example)
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Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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SuzanneG
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FWIW, my neighbor is a family-counselor and said this is VERY common. Especially now, with all the "green" talk and emphasis going on over the past couple of years....it's even more common. She sees it a lot.
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Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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Mimip
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You ladies are awesome!!!
I am going to try some of these ideas and will definitely be limiting scientific view in the house.
No time to post more right now but Ill be back:)
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In Christ,
Mimi
Wife of 16 years to Tom, Mom of DD'00, DD'02, '04(in heaven) DS'05, DS'08 and DS '12
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mathmama
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The book that my friend used is called Talking Back to OCD by John March. This book has helped them tremendously. She recommends it with some *strong* reservations. There are two chapters that offensive and are morally reprehensible. They involve children who are plagued by explicitly violent thoughts (like horrible car crashes, etc) and explicitly se*ual thoughts. The way that John March recommends these children are treated is through desensitization, that is exposing them to violent images and soft p*rn  My friend has taken the good from this book and applied it with much success and has ignored the offensive stuff. Along with this she has used a counselor who respects their faith and choices for their dd (eg, not using psychotropic drugs). She also highly recommends frequent visits to the Blessed Sacrament (everyone here is well acquainted with the Divine Healer  ) and also a good amount of physical activity.
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Beth, wife to Tom and mommy to 4 beautiful girls:
Therese 11/04
Anna Mary 6/07
Veronica 10/09
Theodora 11/12
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Dealing with children's fears
